Is it so wrong to want to be loved
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Is it so wrong to want to be loved
This is all Ive ever wanted, to be loved, and wanted, to feel that I was loved and wanted to feel that I belong somewhere, that I fit!! Is this wrong?
I never felt that my ex a loved me even when I thought we were ok. I don't know what it's like to lie in someone's arms and feel that I am truly loved and that the persons arms I'm lying in loved me and would never intentionally hurt me!! I want to feel this!!
I never felt that I belonged anywhere
I think this was why I hung onto my marriage, why I put up with his behaviour because I wanted to believe he loved me that we would work it out, I became obsessed with fixing him and wanting us to be happy, wanting to feel loved. Hoping against hope that his apologies were genuine. Looking back there were times I couldn't stand him didn't want him near me yet I felt that was my fault for feeling that way and would feel guilty. When I would feel this way I pushed these feelings down so deep due to guilt.
This may be why I fell so quickly for my old friends words that he cared about me and wouldn't hurt me because I wanted them to be true, thT he could give me what I needed. This may have been why I told him I was ready for a relationship when I wasn't, part of me did want to be ready because I wanted to feel loved and wanted. This may have been why I felt hurt and rejected because again I fell for words that I wanted to believe were true and again I wasn't enough to feel love or to even be friends with. I am ashamed of the messages I sent seeking reassurance and although he kept saying everything's grand we are friends he doesn't appear to want to meet with me. I feel foolish for jumping in so quickly and not protecting myself for thinking that he would still care for me the way he did when we were friends all those years ago. I haven't made contact in a week!
Maybe this was why I became obsessed with trying to fix things, seeking reassurance from him just like I did with ex a, just like I did with my mother and with friends.
I tend to go from one extreme to another, always have with all my relationships, wanting to feel loved and behaving lovingly one minute then withdrawing the next as I don't want to get hurt!!
I feel lost and confused I don't know whether my thinking is up the left, if it's right or if I'm just making excuses for my obsessive behaviour.
I haven't been single for any length of time in 25 years I went from one boyfriend to another, this is the longest I've been on my own. And I feel lonely and scared!
Thank you for reading I know it's all a bit of a jumbled mess and doesn't make a lot of sense. Apologies., I needed to get it out and to feel that someone is listening.
I never felt that my ex a loved me even when I thought we were ok. I don't know what it's like to lie in someone's arms and feel that I am truly loved and that the persons arms I'm lying in loved me and would never intentionally hurt me!! I want to feel this!!
I never felt that I belonged anywhere
I think this was why I hung onto my marriage, why I put up with his behaviour because I wanted to believe he loved me that we would work it out, I became obsessed with fixing him and wanting us to be happy, wanting to feel loved. Hoping against hope that his apologies were genuine. Looking back there were times I couldn't stand him didn't want him near me yet I felt that was my fault for feeling that way and would feel guilty. When I would feel this way I pushed these feelings down so deep due to guilt.
This may be why I fell so quickly for my old friends words that he cared about me and wouldn't hurt me because I wanted them to be true, thT he could give me what I needed. This may have been why I told him I was ready for a relationship when I wasn't, part of me did want to be ready because I wanted to feel loved and wanted. This may have been why I felt hurt and rejected because again I fell for words that I wanted to believe were true and again I wasn't enough to feel love or to even be friends with. I am ashamed of the messages I sent seeking reassurance and although he kept saying everything's grand we are friends he doesn't appear to want to meet with me. I feel foolish for jumping in so quickly and not protecting myself for thinking that he would still care for me the way he did when we were friends all those years ago. I haven't made contact in a week!
Maybe this was why I became obsessed with trying to fix things, seeking reassurance from him just like I did with ex a, just like I did with my mother and with friends.
I tend to go from one extreme to another, always have with all my relationships, wanting to feel loved and behaving lovingly one minute then withdrawing the next as I don't want to get hurt!!
I feel lost and confused I don't know whether my thinking is up the left, if it's right or if I'm just making excuses for my obsessive behaviour.
I haven't been single for any length of time in 25 years I went from one boyfriend to another, this is the longest I've been on my own. And I feel lonely and scared!
Thank you for reading I know it's all a bit of a jumbled mess and doesn't make a lot of sense. Apologies., I needed to get it out and to feel that someone is listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Nope, it's not wrong. However, you have been looking for love in all the wrong places so to speak!
I firmly believe that you have to deal with your own issues and be in a healthy place to find the right person. So that you are being your true you. Does that compute LOL?
Butterfly, you need to be alone for a while just so that you realize who you are under the hurt and trauma you have been through. You must be able to find happiness without it being given to you by another human being. Once that happens, it's quite likely you will find the right person to love, who will love you back just because you are you!
XXX
I firmly believe that you have to deal with your own issues and be in a healthy place to find the right person. So that you are being your true you. Does that compute LOL?
Butterfly, you need to be alone for a while just so that you realize who you are under the hurt and trauma you have been through. You must be able to find happiness without it being given to you by another human being. Once that happens, it's quite likely you will find the right person to love, who will love you back just because you are you!
XXX
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Butterfly, you need to be alone for a while just so that you realize who you are under the hurt and trauma you have been through.
After I left my abusive relationship I took over 4 years of being alone before I thought I could trust anyone again. It took another 4 years or so for me to meet my husband. Not saying that it will take this long but it does take time.
Be gentle with yourself and learn to love yourself first.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is not wrong.
But B, the only person who can give you the truly deep and fulfilling love you are looking for is you. Without that, you will never believe that anyone else can love you the way you want them to.
But B, the only person who can give you the truly deep and fulfilling love you are looking for is you. Without that, you will never believe that anyone else can love you the way you want them to.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly.....a big part of loving yourself is doing the best thing for yourself.
Working intensively with a therapist on your obsessive compulsive disorder is a big part of that.
I h ave noticed that you also "sneaked" an apology (to us!!!), and you tend to close your posts with several self-depreciating statements.....
Stop that....LOL! Negative self-talk is definitely a NO-NO. I believe that we covered that in some threads about a year ago------
I guess that what I am saying is that pro-active is the direction to go in....
dandylion
****Yes, I am fully aware that ending a sentence in a preposition is not considered acceptable to those who are sensitive to grammar mistakes----I am deliberately using informal language in all my posts....as one is "allowed" when among friends....
I'm just sayin'
Working intensively with a therapist on your obsessive compulsive disorder is a big part of that.
I h ave noticed that you also "sneaked" an apology (to us!!!), and you tend to close your posts with several self-depreciating statements.....
Stop that....LOL! Negative self-talk is definitely a NO-NO. I believe that we covered that in some threads about a year ago------
I guess that what I am saying is that pro-active is the direction to go in....
dandylion
****Yes, I am fully aware that ending a sentence in a preposition is not considered acceptable to those who are sensitive to grammar mistakes----I am deliberately using informal language in all my posts....as one is "allowed" when among friends....
I'm just sayin'
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone it means so much that you took the time to post.
Sparklekitty I never thought of it like that, I never understood the importance of why I needed to love myself first. Why would I believe or feel anyone could love me when I don't love myself!!
Dandylion thank you I didn't even realise I had used negative self talk, I am working hard not to and yes I did apologise, working on that to I apologise for everything even if I've no need to apologise. Another trait so people will like me but also because I know I'm rambling again!!
Guess this is where the be gentle on myself needs to come in eh knowthetriggers. Thank you
Sparklekitty I never thought of it like that, I never understood the importance of why I needed to love myself first. Why would I believe or feel anyone could love me when I don't love myself!!
Dandylion thank you I didn't even realise I had used negative self talk, I am working hard not to and yes I did apologise, working on that to I apologise for everything even if I've no need to apologise. Another trait so people will like me but also because I know I'm rambling again!!
Guess this is where the be gentle on myself needs to come in eh knowthetriggers. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Perhaps the problem is that you don't love yourself enough. Recovery is an inside job ... I learned in Alanon that to have self esteem I had to take "esteemable" actions. I suggest putting the focus on the 12 Steps, which saved my sanity.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, I seem to notice a THEME here. One I'd chime in on, too.
And now you've put "Can't Hurry Love" in my head. Bette Midler sang it at the concert I went to last week. I love it, but it's an EARWORM. Thanks a LOT.
And now you've put "Can't Hurry Love" in my head. Bette Midler sang it at the concert I went to last week. I love it, but it's an EARWORM. Thanks a LOT.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
No apologies necessary here. I had to do a lot of work on myself for years on why I had a hole in my heart that I was trying to fill with my XAH. I wanted so badly to make him happy that I sacrificed myself and my own love of self so that maybe, just maybe, he would be happy. I worked with a therapist and have been in Al Anon for over 3 years now. I am constantly a work in progress and recovery for us is never over.
A few books that helped me were ones about love addiction or Codependent No More. I did the workbooks and truly worked hard at recovering from my obsessive thinking. I still struggle with this in my current dating relationship but the tools I've learned along the way have helped me recognize my own insanity and I can nip it in the bud quickly instead of letting it take control of my mental health.
A few books that helped me were ones about love addiction or Codependent No More. I did the workbooks and truly worked hard at recovering from my obsessive thinking. I still struggle with this in my current dating relationship but the tools I've learned along the way have helped me recognize my own insanity and I can nip it in the bud quickly instead of letting it take control of my mental health.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
((((Butterfly))))
My husband loves me. He also has the disease of addiction and that over-rides everything, including love.
I'm learning how to love myself and have healthy relationships with myself and other people. I never find peace in my husband's arms; that's putting a lot of pressure and expectations on someone else -- and also handing over a lot of power that I'm finally realizing is rightfully my own. I need to find my peace inside of me. I can share in a peaceful moment with him, but I can't share something that I'm not bringing to it.
My husband loves me. He also has the disease of addiction and that over-rides everything, including love.
I'm learning how to love myself and have healthy relationships with myself and other people. I never find peace in my husband's arms; that's putting a lot of pressure and expectations on someone else -- and also handing over a lot of power that I'm finally realizing is rightfully my own. I need to find my peace inside of me. I can share in a peaceful moment with him, but I can't share something that I'm not bringing to it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Anvil analogy time (yay!). we are having our house painted. however it wasn't like our helper just showed up yesterday and started slapping on paint.....
first the house had to be made READY to ACCEPT the paint. pressure washed the whole thing. there is still much old paint which will have to be scraped and then cleaned off so there is a good surface for which the paint will ADHERE and not RESIST the new coat of paint.
we also dicked around a lot on choosing a color. we each had to consider what WE wanted, then come together and hash out our individual color choices and finally agreed upon a color that neither of us had suggested.....compromise.
Think of yourself as the HOUSE and PAINT as the love and acceptance you seek. there is much work to do FIRST. as they say in the program, First Things First. we have to get our "house" in order FIRST.
first the house had to be made READY to ACCEPT the paint. pressure washed the whole thing. there is still much old paint which will have to be scraped and then cleaned off so there is a good surface for which the paint will ADHERE and not RESIST the new coat of paint.
we also dicked around a lot on choosing a color. we each had to consider what WE wanted, then come together and hash out our individual color choices and finally agreed upon a color that neither of us had suggested.....compromise.
Think of yourself as the HOUSE and PAINT as the love and acceptance you seek. there is much work to do FIRST. as they say in the program, First Things First. we have to get our "house" in order FIRST.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Everyone here is right, Butterfly. (Nice analogy, Anvil.)
To be loved is our most basic human desire/need. Nothing wrong with that! You'll get there, but you'll find you have to love yourself first, AND you need to make sure it comes from a guy who also has a healthy self-love. Don't confuse that with arrogance or cockiness--those things are disguises for someone full of self-loathing. Really...a healthy, self-loving man doesn't need to advertise his amazingness.
Someone told me after my divorce many years ago that a healthy relationship has two with people so full of self-love that their own cups are overflowing, waiting to be shared with others. Still haven't found my guy yet, by my own cup is overflowing and ready to be shared. You'll get there too, but it takes a lot of hard work. Stay strong and work hard on you FIRST.
To be loved is our most basic human desire/need. Nothing wrong with that! You'll get there, but you'll find you have to love yourself first, AND you need to make sure it comes from a guy who also has a healthy self-love. Don't confuse that with arrogance or cockiness--those things are disguises for someone full of self-loathing. Really...a healthy, self-loving man doesn't need to advertise his amazingness.
Someone told me after my divorce many years ago that a healthy relationship has two with people so full of self-love that their own cups are overflowing, waiting to be shared with others. Still haven't found my guy yet, by my own cup is overflowing and ready to be shared. You'll get there too, but it takes a lot of hard work. Stay strong and work hard on you FIRST.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
We have to learn to love and soothe ourselves.
Others can't do it.
It's normal to want to be loved but not when it hurts and destroys us.
Others can't do it.
It's normal to want to be loved but not when it hurts and destroys us.
Originally Posted by Butterfly
This is all Ive ever wanted, to be loved, and wanted, to feel that I was loved and wanted to feel that I belong somewhere, that I fit!! Is this wrong?
I never felt that my ex a loved me even when I thought we were ok. I don't know what it's like to lie in someone's arms and feel that I am truly loved and that the persons arms I'm lying in loved me and would never intentionally hurt me!! I want to feel this!!
I never felt that I belonged anywhere
I think this was why I hung onto my marriage, why I put up with his behaviour because I wanted to believe he loved me that we would work it out, I became obsessed with fixing him and wanting us to be happy, wanting to feel loved. Hoping against hope that his apologies were genuine. Looking back there were times I couldn't stand him didn't want him near me yet I felt that was my fault for feeling that way and would feel guilty. When I would feel this way I pushed these feelings down so deep due to guilt.
This may be why I fell so quickly for my old friends words that he cared about me and wouldn't hurt me because I wanted them to be true, thT he could give me what I needed. This may have been why I told him I was ready for a relationship when I wasn't, part of me did want to be ready because I wanted to feel loved and wanted. This may have been why I felt hurt and rejected because again I fell for words that I wanted to believe were true and again I wasn't enough to feel love or to even be friends with. I am ashamed of the messages I sent seeking reassurance and although he kept saying everything's grand we are friends he doesn't appear to want to meet with me. I feel foolish for jumping in so quickly and not protecting myself for thinking that he would still care for me the way he did when we were friends all those years ago. I haven't made contact in a week!
Maybe this was why I became obsessed with trying to fix things, seeking reassurance from him just like I did with ex a, just like I did with my mother and with friends.
I tend to go from one extreme to another, always have with all my relationships, wanting to feel loved and behaving lovingly one minute then withdrawing the next as I don't want to get hurt!!
I feel lost and confused I don't know whether my thinking is up the left, if it's right or if I'm just making excuses for my obsessive behaviour.
I haven't been single for any length of time in 25 years I went from one boyfriend to another, this is the longest I've been on my own. And I feel lonely and scared!
Thank you for reading I know it's all a bit of a jumbled mess and doesn't make a lot of sense. Apologies., I needed to get it out and to feel that someone is listening.
I never felt that my ex a loved me even when I thought we were ok. I don't know what it's like to lie in someone's arms and feel that I am truly loved and that the persons arms I'm lying in loved me and would never intentionally hurt me!! I want to feel this!!
I never felt that I belonged anywhere
I think this was why I hung onto my marriage, why I put up with his behaviour because I wanted to believe he loved me that we would work it out, I became obsessed with fixing him and wanting us to be happy, wanting to feel loved. Hoping against hope that his apologies were genuine. Looking back there were times I couldn't stand him didn't want him near me yet I felt that was my fault for feeling that way and would feel guilty. When I would feel this way I pushed these feelings down so deep due to guilt.
This may be why I fell so quickly for my old friends words that he cared about me and wouldn't hurt me because I wanted them to be true, thT he could give me what I needed. This may have been why I told him I was ready for a relationship when I wasn't, part of me did want to be ready because I wanted to feel loved and wanted. This may have been why I felt hurt and rejected because again I fell for words that I wanted to believe were true and again I wasn't enough to feel love or to even be friends with. I am ashamed of the messages I sent seeking reassurance and although he kept saying everything's grand we are friends he doesn't appear to want to meet with me. I feel foolish for jumping in so quickly and not protecting myself for thinking that he would still care for me the way he did when we were friends all those years ago. I haven't made contact in a week!
Maybe this was why I became obsessed with trying to fix things, seeking reassurance from him just like I did with ex a, just like I did with my mother and with friends.
I tend to go from one extreme to another, always have with all my relationships, wanting to feel loved and behaving lovingly one minute then withdrawing the next as I don't want to get hurt!!
I feel lost and confused I don't know whether my thinking is up the left, if it's right or if I'm just making excuses for my obsessive behaviour.
I haven't been single for any length of time in 25 years I went from one boyfriend to another, this is the longest I've been on my own. And I feel lonely and scared!
Thank you for reading I know it's all a bit of a jumbled mess and doesn't make a lot of sense. Apologies., I needed to get it out and to feel that someone is listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I wonder if the metric by which you gauge "love and acceptance" is one that is so high, with so many "proofs" that people can't meet your criteria.
Certainly everyone wishes to be loved. The kind of love you describe takes time to build. I could be wrong, but is seems that you go into relationships and have been in relationships trying to control the other person from hurting you. This will always be a loser.
People are fallible, by our nature we disappoint at times. We are selfish, can be mean, have bad days, lie, and do the wrong thing. You will never, ever meet a person who is perfect friend or lover. How one trusts is by letting it build, and learning the character of the person you are involved with. Learning how to deal with disagreements in a healthy way, not trying to control the other person, and forgiveness are all parts of being in healthy relationships.
I really believe you are on the road to finding what you want - and yes, self love is a must.
Certainly everyone wishes to be loved. The kind of love you describe takes time to build. I could be wrong, but is seems that you go into relationships and have been in relationships trying to control the other person from hurting you. This will always be a loser.
People are fallible, by our nature we disappoint at times. We are selfish, can be mean, have bad days, lie, and do the wrong thing. You will never, ever meet a person who is perfect friend or lover. How one trusts is by letting it build, and learning the character of the person you are involved with. Learning how to deal with disagreements in a healthy way, not trying to control the other person, and forgiveness are all parts of being in healthy relationships.
I really believe you are on the road to finding what you want - and yes, self love is a must.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks Redatlanta.
I dont know if my criteria is too high for others to reach, Yes i do need people to prove that they are trust worthy, but in the same way i have to prove I am trust worthy, I have been let down so many times and my trust in others has been destroyed.
I m not sure whether I try to control other people from hurting me, I cant control this never have been able to. Ive been hurt so many times and Ive never been able to stop it. I do back off from friendships and relationships when I have been hurt or for fear of being hurt. I have avoided/walked away from friends over the years for fear of rejection (this is so wrong and more about my insecurities and fears). Is this what you mean by controlling people from hurting me?
I know we are all falliable and that no one is perfect and i dont expect that from others although i think i might expect it from me and when i feel that im not or ive done something wrong then i try to fix things or apologise profusely and recently as was pointed out manipulate responses from the old friend recently. I guess i just wanted him to be as he was when we first met again and as we were before we lost touch. I guess i did try to control or manipulate him into still being friends with me. He said that was what he wanted but his behaviour had changed, no longer contacting me or pushing to see me. So either he was only after one thing and doesnt want to say he doesnt want to be friends or i have to accept that as a friend this is how he is. More will be revealed i guess.
I just dont want to be rejected and maybe i try to control so this wont happen ie apologising to the old friend trying to force the friendship. I honestly dont know!!
I dont know if my criteria is too high for others to reach, Yes i do need people to prove that they are trust worthy, but in the same way i have to prove I am trust worthy, I have been let down so many times and my trust in others has been destroyed.
I m not sure whether I try to control other people from hurting me, I cant control this never have been able to. Ive been hurt so many times and Ive never been able to stop it. I do back off from friendships and relationships when I have been hurt or for fear of being hurt. I have avoided/walked away from friends over the years for fear of rejection (this is so wrong and more about my insecurities and fears). Is this what you mean by controlling people from hurting me?
I know we are all falliable and that no one is perfect and i dont expect that from others although i think i might expect it from me and when i feel that im not or ive done something wrong then i try to fix things or apologise profusely and recently as was pointed out manipulate responses from the old friend recently. I guess i just wanted him to be as he was when we first met again and as we were before we lost touch. I guess i did try to control or manipulate him into still being friends with me. He said that was what he wanted but his behaviour had changed, no longer contacting me or pushing to see me. So either he was only after one thing and doesnt want to say he doesnt want to be friends or i have to accept that as a friend this is how he is. More will be revealed i guess.
I just dont want to be rejected and maybe i try to control so this wont happen ie apologising to the old friend trying to force the friendship. I honestly dont know!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes i do need people to prove that they are trust worthy, How so? Do you test people?
I m not sure whether I try to control other people from hurting me, In your own words from the thread re: the old friend: "I turned into a crazy person wanting to know why he had changed his mind, apologising for whatever I had said or did that changed his mind and I mean daily. I tried to be relaxed but when he was acting strange I freaked. He went from someone who texted me constantly to replying immediately after I texted to waiting a few hours then last night after another text where I apologised for my crazy behaviour he replied at 3am!! all this after 4 weeks it's no wonder he's avoiding me and wants nothing to do with me. Why can't I just relax and let things go, why do I have to try and control everything and need to know all the answers?"
I just dont want to be rejected Nobody does. If you go into a relationship or friendship assuming that is on the table from the get go, and are going to try to prevent it from happening, I promise you - you will be rejected. NOT due to the person you are, the personality you have, or your ability to be a great friend (which I believe you have all the above), but due to your control issue and insecurity which will suffocate the relationship.
I m not sure whether I try to control other people from hurting me, In your own words from the thread re: the old friend: "I turned into a crazy person wanting to know why he had changed his mind, apologising for whatever I had said or did that changed his mind and I mean daily. I tried to be relaxed but when he was acting strange I freaked. He went from someone who texted me constantly to replying immediately after I texted to waiting a few hours then last night after another text where I apologised for my crazy behaviour he replied at 3am!! all this after 4 weeks it's no wonder he's avoiding me and wants nothing to do with me. Why can't I just relax and let things go, why do I have to try and control everything and need to know all the answers?"
I just dont want to be rejected Nobody does. If you go into a relationship or friendship assuming that is on the table from the get go, and are going to try to prevent it from happening, I promise you - you will be rejected. NOT due to the person you are, the personality you have, or your ability to be a great friend (which I believe you have all the above), but due to your control issue and insecurity which will suffocate the relationship.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
