Is it so wrong to want to be loved
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Great stuff in this thread Butterfly!
Think of it this way; nothing external is going to fix your internal problem. And when you are finally able to fix that internal wiring (or, throughout the process really) it becomes like a beacon that shines out & helps you draw in the "right" kind of person to ADD to your life. On your terms. When you're ready.
We say that we teach others how to treat us by treating ourselves with love & respect first, right? Have you realllllly thought about how you love & respect yourself, B?... and just stopped there? Saturate yourself in thinking ONLY of yourself? Not reaching out to others, not allowing their emotions or conflicts to even enter your grid? Not for a night or a weekend..... I mean for a good chunk of time.
Don't necessarily answer here but think: Do you accept yourself, or do you reject yourself? (in other words, are you treating others in a reflection of how you treat yourself/expect to be treated?) Do you trust yourself? Do you like yourself? How do you show yourself love?
Think of it this way; nothing external is going to fix your internal problem. And when you are finally able to fix that internal wiring (or, throughout the process really) it becomes like a beacon that shines out & helps you draw in the "right" kind of person to ADD to your life. On your terms. When you're ready.
We say that we teach others how to treat us by treating ourselves with love & respect first, right? Have you realllllly thought about how you love & respect yourself, B?... and just stopped there? Saturate yourself in thinking ONLY of yourself? Not reaching out to others, not allowing their emotions or conflicts to even enter your grid? Not for a night or a weekend..... I mean for a good chunk of time.
Don't necessarily answer here but think: Do you accept yourself, or do you reject yourself? (in other words, are you treating others in a reflection of how you treat yourself/expect to be treated?) Do you trust yourself? Do you like yourself? How do you show yourself love?
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[QUOTE]This is all Ive ever wanted, to be loved, and wanted, to feel that I was loved and wanted to feel that I belong somewhere, that I fit!! Is this wrong?
I never felt that my ex a loved me even when I thought we were ok. I don't know what it's like to lie in someone's arms and feel that I am truly loved and that the persons arms I'm lying in loved me and would never intentionally hurt me!! I want to feel this!!
I never felt that I belonged anywhere
I think this was why I hung onto my marriage, why I put up with his behaviour because I wanted to believe he loved me that we would work it out, I became obsessed with fixing him and wanting us to be happy, wanting to feel loved. Hoping against hope that his apologies were genuine. Looking back there were times I couldn't stand him didn't want him near me yet I felt that was my fault for feeling that way and would feel guilty. When I would feel this way I pushed these feelings down so deep due to guilt. [QUOTE]
Are you me??? We could be the same person , you took the words right out of my mouth... WOW .. All I can say is I am working very hard on telling myself i am enough , I am ok , I am lovable and that I deserve to be in a heathly relationship. I might be late to the game ( I am 52) but I am going to Hope my Higher power has good plans for my future. Hugs to us both
I never felt that my ex a loved me even when I thought we were ok. I don't know what it's like to lie in someone's arms and feel that I am truly loved and that the persons arms I'm lying in loved me and would never intentionally hurt me!! I want to feel this!!
I never felt that I belonged anywhere
I think this was why I hung onto my marriage, why I put up with his behaviour because I wanted to believe he loved me that we would work it out, I became obsessed with fixing him and wanting us to be happy, wanting to feel loved. Hoping against hope that his apologies were genuine. Looking back there were times I couldn't stand him didn't want him near me yet I felt that was my fault for feeling that way and would feel guilty. When I would feel this way I pushed these feelings down so deep due to guilt. [QUOTE]
Are you me??? We could be the same person , you took the words right out of my mouth... WOW .. All I can say is I am working very hard on telling myself i am enough , I am ok , I am lovable and that I deserve to be in a heathly relationship. I might be late to the game ( I am 52) but I am going to Hope my Higher power has good plans for my future. Hugs to us both
Baby Steps
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Yes i do need people to prove that they are trust worthy, How so? Do you test people?
Yes I suppose I do sometimes test them to see whether they will still want to be with me/friends with me /mean what they say. I've never thought of it though as testing before. I definitely tested the old friend to see if he meant what he said when I was honest with him that I had issues. Part of me though is also seeking reassurance that people won't leave
I m not sure whether I try to control other people from hurting me, In your own words from the thread re: the old friend: "I turned into a crazy person wanting to know why he had changed his mind, apologising for whatever I had said or did that changed his mind and I mean daily. I tried to be relaxed but when he was acting strange I freaked. He went from someone who texted me constantly to replying immediately after I texted to waiting a few hours then last night after another text where I apologised for my crazy behaviour he replied at 3am!! all this after 4 weeks it's no wonder he's avoiding me and wants nothing to do with me. Why can't I just relax and let things go, why do I have to try and control everything and need to know all the answers?"
I've been so used to trying to control everything in my life, of course I never had control over ex a drinking of course I didn't but I thought I did but this control spread to every area of my life. If I could control things it would all be ok. i really struggle with accepting things I don't understand, so I try to understand but I then keep asking things over and over again until I can understand, which I never seem to be able to do then I feel guilty and apologise and tried to get him to understand why I behaved the way I did. I don't understand why people say one thing but do the exact opposite. I couldn't understand why the old friend was so keen to talk to me and be with me then suddenly he wasn't and he then hardly talks to me. I wanted him to tell me honestly what had changed and I kept thinking I did something wrong and wanted him to tell me that as that I could understand. I also wanted reassurance that he still wanted to be friends and he always gave it to me but yet on the other hand wouldn't meet up or even let me know he didn't want to meet it was always il let you know. That caused more anxiety for me as I thought I've definitely done something wrong so the cycle would begin again. I never thought of this as trying to control others but I suppose it was, no wonder he doesn't want to know any more.
I just dont want to be rejected Nobody does. If you go into a relationship or friendship assuming that is on the table from the get go, and are going to try to prevent it from happening, I promise you - you will be rejected. NOT due to the person you are, the personality you have, or your ability to be a great friend (which I believe you have all the above), but due to your control issue and insecurity which will suffocate the relationship.
Yes I suppose I do sometimes test them to see whether they will still want to be with me/friends with me /mean what they say. I've never thought of it though as testing before. I definitely tested the old friend to see if he meant what he said when I was honest with him that I had issues. Part of me though is also seeking reassurance that people won't leave
I m not sure whether I try to control other people from hurting me, In your own words from the thread re: the old friend: "I turned into a crazy person wanting to know why he had changed his mind, apologising for whatever I had said or did that changed his mind and I mean daily. I tried to be relaxed but when he was acting strange I freaked. He went from someone who texted me constantly to replying immediately after I texted to waiting a few hours then last night after another text where I apologised for my crazy behaviour he replied at 3am!! all this after 4 weeks it's no wonder he's avoiding me and wants nothing to do with me. Why can't I just relax and let things go, why do I have to try and control everything and need to know all the answers?"
I've been so used to trying to control everything in my life, of course I never had control over ex a drinking of course I didn't but I thought I did but this control spread to every area of my life. If I could control things it would all be ok. i really struggle with accepting things I don't understand, so I try to understand but I then keep asking things over and over again until I can understand, which I never seem to be able to do then I feel guilty and apologise and tried to get him to understand why I behaved the way I did. I don't understand why people say one thing but do the exact opposite. I couldn't understand why the old friend was so keen to talk to me and be with me then suddenly he wasn't and he then hardly talks to me. I wanted him to tell me honestly what had changed and I kept thinking I did something wrong and wanted him to tell me that as that I could understand. I also wanted reassurance that he still wanted to be friends and he always gave it to me but yet on the other hand wouldn't meet up or even let me know he didn't want to meet it was always il let you know. That caused more anxiety for me as I thought I've definitely done something wrong so the cycle would begin again. I never thought of this as trying to control others but I suppose it was, no wonder he doesn't want to know any more.
I just dont want to be rejected Nobody does. If you go into a relationship or friendship assuming that is on the table from the get go, and are going to try to prevent it from happening, I promise you - you will be rejected. NOT due to the person you are, the personality you have, or your ability to be a great friend (which I believe you have all the above), but due to your control issue and insecurity which will suffocate the relationship.
Sometimes I really believe that I'm better off on my own then I won't bother anyone. I'm obsessed with wanting someone to love me just as I am to accept me warts and all to help me fix what's broken.
Baby Steps
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Originally Posted by FireSprite;5448966
We say that we teach others how to treat us by treating ourselves with love & respect first, right? Have you realllllly thought about how you love & respect yourself, B?... and just stopped there? Saturate yourself in thinking ONLY of yourself? Not reaching out to others, not allowing their emotions or conflicts to even enter your grid? Not for a night or a weekend..... I mean for a good chunk of time.
[B
We say that we teach others how to treat us by treating ourselves with love & respect first, right? Have you realllllly thought about how you love & respect yourself, B?... and just stopped there? Saturate yourself in thinking ONLY of yourself? Not reaching out to others, not allowing their emotions or conflicts to even enter your grid? Not for a night or a weekend..... I mean for a good chunk of time.
[B
thank you fire sprite I don't even know how to do this, just focus on me. My job involves dealing with the emotions and conflicts of others daily, I have my kids to think about and when you say not reaching out to others do you mean to not seek reassurance from others or something else? [/B]
Don't necessarily answer here but think: Do you accept yourself, or do you reject yourself? (in other words, are you treating others in a reflection of how you treat yourself/expect to be treated?) Do you trust yourself? Do you like yourself? How do you show yourself love?
Don't necessarily answer here but think: Do you accept yourself, or do you reject yourself? (in other words, are you treating others in a reflection of how you treat yourself/expect to be treated?) Do you trust yourself? Do you like yourself? How do you show yourself love?
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remember the saying: God Doesn't Make Junk?
think about that.....if we constantly berate ourselves and tell ourselves are not good enough, not worthy of this or that, always in a mindset of LACK, what are we SAYING to the Universe?
think about that.....if we constantly berate ourselves and tell ourselves are not good enough, not worthy of this or that, always in a mindset of LACK, what are we SAYING to the Universe?
Baby Steps
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Never heard that saying before anvil. Thank you
I actually told this old friend that I'm not the same person I was when he knew me and that he should run now far away from me!!
I actually told this old friend that I'm not the same person I was when he knew me and that he should run now far away from me!!
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Butterfly, I'm one who has always "filled the space" as soon as possible, whether physical or emotional. I've never taken time to find out what I really want and whether a particular choice will fill that desire. It's always been a drive to cover the hole, fill in the blank. As I've posted before, XAH and I came together as 2 damaged souls somehow thinking we could make each other whole. And clearly that hasn't worked so well for me.
As my house is emptied of XAH's stuff, I find myself scrambling to fill the spots where things used to be, so they aren't empty. At some point, a small voice (maybe the turtle's voice) said to me "Go slow. Better yet, stop completely and think." And I'm going to do that as best I can. I'm going to take one room at a time so I'm not overwhelmed. I'm going to clean thoroughly. I'm going to paint. And after having spent time w/the space and the emptiness of the house (and the fear and loneliness in my heart), I'm trusting that I'll know more about myself and what I want and what I like. I'm trusting that I can make a space that will gratify my soul. But like Anvil said, I need to do the preparation first if I expect to get a good result.
I hear you, and I hope we both can find the courage to slow down and let the empty space just BE for a while. The turtle carries his shell on his back and is at home anywhere he goes. I hope to learn from him.
As my house is emptied of XAH's stuff, I find myself scrambling to fill the spots where things used to be, so they aren't empty. At some point, a small voice (maybe the turtle's voice) said to me "Go slow. Better yet, stop completely and think." And I'm going to do that as best I can. I'm going to take one room at a time so I'm not overwhelmed. I'm going to clean thoroughly. I'm going to paint. And after having spent time w/the space and the emptiness of the house (and the fear and loneliness in my heart), I'm trusting that I'll know more about myself and what I want and what I like. I'm trusting that I can make a space that will gratify my soul. But like Anvil said, I need to do the preparation first if I expect to get a good result.
I hear you, and I hope we both can find the courage to slow down and let the empty space just BE for a while. The turtle carries his shell on his back and is at home anywhere he goes. I hope to learn from him.
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Thank you honeypig. The emptiness is so hard and that life isn't a constant crisis and living on edge waiting for the next one. I struggle with the calmness of my life now!
Honeypig your doing great one day at a time ((((tight hugs))))
Honeypig your doing great one day at a time ((((tight hugs))))
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I am struggling with this. Is there someone out there who will just accept me as I am? I wobble between feeling like I need to do a bunch of work on myself, and thinking it will never be enough, and wanting to just know that I can be loved and accepted as I am.
I thought it might be nice to date casually and not have a serious relationship--but I am realizing that that hurts JUST AS MUCH. It hurts to ask questions about someone and realize they are asking none in return.
I think I believed that would be a safe spot: If someone isn't super interested in me, I can just be myself and they won't use what they know to hurt me. But the disinterest hurts, too!! Aaargh.
I end up feeling like I don't matter. I can care for myself and do good things, but I can't be perfect, and we are social creatures. I would like to feel like I'm in a safe relationship. But no one's knocking my door down, and I'm really shy--and afraid I might find out that the world really doesn't like me. What if my ex was right all along? I know he wasn't, but I feel like dating is triggering those things he said to me. It's horrible.
I feel good with my friends--I never worry that they'll abuse my trust or call me names. Why is it so different with men? And as a forty-something woman, this seems not uncommon, to be divorced and alone. It is lonely, and discouraging--but the alternative is painful and scares the **** out of me!
I am glad for this thread. I needed it today. Thank you.
I thought it might be nice to date casually and not have a serious relationship--but I am realizing that that hurts JUST AS MUCH. It hurts to ask questions about someone and realize they are asking none in return.
I think I believed that would be a safe spot: If someone isn't super interested in me, I can just be myself and they won't use what they know to hurt me. But the disinterest hurts, too!! Aaargh.
I end up feeling like I don't matter. I can care for myself and do good things, but I can't be perfect, and we are social creatures. I would like to feel like I'm in a safe relationship. But no one's knocking my door down, and I'm really shy--and afraid I might find out that the world really doesn't like me. What if my ex was right all along? I know he wasn't, but I feel like dating is triggering those things he said to me. It's horrible.
I feel good with my friends--I never worry that they'll abuse my trust or call me names. Why is it so different with men? And as a forty-something woman, this seems not uncommon, to be divorced and alone. It is lonely, and discouraging--but the alternative is painful and scares the **** out of me!
I am glad for this thread. I needed it today. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Yes. You. It starts with you, not from anyone outside.
And the great thing about it being that way is that I myself have the power to make the changes, to love and accept myself. I don't have to wait for Prince Charming to come along and make my life complete--to make ME complete. I myself have the power to do that. And while it's scary to realize I'm responsible for myself, it's empowering too.
Two short quotes that I've saved from postings here at SR in the past:
It's a new experience for me learning to be another person’s companion and friend rather than using them as a means to make me feel better.
I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again.
Both of those lines just rang like a bell for me when I read them. Maybe they will for you too.
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feeling so lost and sad today cant stop the tears and cant focus on work. Really beating myself up about my behaviour with old friend. I didnt realise that I was trying to control him, i thought by tellling him about what i was going through, what i needed was being open and honest and not expecting him to just know. I hoped he would understand why i was the way i was and accept me but i guess its ok to tell others how i feel and what i need but then i need to let it go and let them decide not continue to question and manipulate (didnt even realise i was doing this until, think it was redatlanta called me out on it, thank you).
I didnt believe him and thought he wasnt being honest and the real reason was me so I pushed and pushed asking questions trying to force myself into his life, trying to get him to be honest and say, look its you i dont want to be friends. this is what i thought was going on but he didnt want to tell me so i pushed and tried to control.
Again i am so focused on what i did never mind the fact that it feels that he led me on with all his sweet words, Ive always been fond of you, Id never hurt you then he just walks away, although i guess i pushed him away and have now lost a friend through my behaviour
I guess for me I thought he was the same guy i knew years ago and thought i could trust him like i did then.
it seems that when i focus on me i focus on the negative and feel guilty about my behaviour!!
I didnt believe him and thought he wasnt being honest and the real reason was me so I pushed and pushed asking questions trying to force myself into his life, trying to get him to be honest and say, look its you i dont want to be friends. this is what i thought was going on but he didnt want to tell me so i pushed and tried to control.
Again i am so focused on what i did never mind the fact that it feels that he led me on with all his sweet words, Ive always been fond of you, Id never hurt you then he just walks away, although i guess i pushed him away and have now lost a friend through my behaviour
I guess for me I thought he was the same guy i knew years ago and thought i could trust him like i did then.
it seems that when i focus on me i focus on the negative and feel guilty about my behaviour!!
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Its good to realize mistakes made.
The reality of life is that people change their minds. The circumstances you are working through right now aren't the most conducive to enter into a new relationship with - you are STILL married, and you are still dealing with things that happened in your marriage.
i thought by tellling him about what i was going through, what i needed was being open and honest and not expecting him to just know. I hoped he would understand why i was the way i was and accept me This is a lot to open up a new relationship with. There is nothing wrong with being open and honest, but what your honesty says IMO is that you aren't in a place for a relationship right now. I feel that your friend understood this eventually, but I am not sure that you do. Entering a new relationship with problems from the last one never works.
I guess for me I thought he was the same guy i knew years ago and thought i could trust him like i did then. I believe years ago your circumstances were different - it was just a friendship you were married. There is always a risk in crossing over the friendship line into romance.
Butterfly, people aren't sure bets. You aren't buying an item with a warranty. You will never on this planet find a human being that can assure you they won't hurt you, they won't change their mind, they won't do something contrary to what they said they would do. It also doesn't work to tell someone up front "I am this way" and think because you have said it - even if they say they accept it - that they will.
New relationships are about learning each other and with that comes good and bad. You weigh out what you can tolerate balancing the good with the bad. I have been with my husband for 5 years and there are still things about each other we DON"T like. If I took it personally when my husband said "I don't like it when you do such and such" we wouldn't have made it this far - or the other way around. Its a constant work in progress.
But the beginning of a relationship shouldn't be like that. It should be fun and light - noncommittal. Dating, having experiences, sharing stories, having new adverntures, and getting to know one another. You hadn't seen this person in years so I would say there was a relearning of each other all that had happened. The relationship began "heavy" and your friend shouldn't have pushed for more from the get go beyond hanging out and having fun.
I think Honeypig and the others have made some brilliant points about being alone and working on yourself. You are making some tremendous progress I think.
The reality of life is that people change their minds. The circumstances you are working through right now aren't the most conducive to enter into a new relationship with - you are STILL married, and you are still dealing with things that happened in your marriage.
i thought by tellling him about what i was going through, what i needed was being open and honest and not expecting him to just know. I hoped he would understand why i was the way i was and accept me This is a lot to open up a new relationship with. There is nothing wrong with being open and honest, but what your honesty says IMO is that you aren't in a place for a relationship right now. I feel that your friend understood this eventually, but I am not sure that you do. Entering a new relationship with problems from the last one never works.
I guess for me I thought he was the same guy i knew years ago and thought i could trust him like i did then. I believe years ago your circumstances were different - it was just a friendship you were married. There is always a risk in crossing over the friendship line into romance.
Butterfly, people aren't sure bets. You aren't buying an item with a warranty. You will never on this planet find a human being that can assure you they won't hurt you, they won't change their mind, they won't do something contrary to what they said they would do. It also doesn't work to tell someone up front "I am this way" and think because you have said it - even if they say they accept it - that they will.
New relationships are about learning each other and with that comes good and bad. You weigh out what you can tolerate balancing the good with the bad. I have been with my husband for 5 years and there are still things about each other we DON"T like. If I took it personally when my husband said "I don't like it when you do such and such" we wouldn't have made it this far - or the other way around. Its a constant work in progress.
But the beginning of a relationship shouldn't be like that. It should be fun and light - noncommittal. Dating, having experiences, sharing stories, having new adverntures, and getting to know one another. You hadn't seen this person in years so I would say there was a relearning of each other all that had happened. The relationship began "heavy" and your friend shouldn't have pushed for more from the get go beyond hanging out and having fun.
I think Honeypig and the others have made some brilliant points about being alone and working on yourself. You are making some tremendous progress I think.
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Thank you wish I could see that.
I think my problem was that he knew me when I was married he knew what my ex a was like and he was asking about what happened. I fell into he was an old friend he knew what i went through even all those years ago so it felt comfortable to pick up where we left off.
your right it was heavy to start off and I made it heavier by being so needy
I think my problem was that he knew me when I was married he knew what my ex a was like and he was asking about what happened. I fell into he was an old friend he knew what i went through even all those years ago so it felt comfortable to pick up where we left off.
your right it was heavy to start off and I made it heavier by being so needy
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But you picked up where you left off, and then went a further step.
I have done this a couple times in my life. For me it never worked out to try and go from a longtime friendship to romance. Too awkward. That's not everyone's experience, and IMO the best relationships are inclusive of a great friendship.
I'll tell you a funny. One night a really great friend of mine and I ended up taking a roll after a day of well....too much partying. We woke up the next day and he just kinda stayed and didn't leave for about a week. In that days period of time we learned things about each other we never knew because we didn't date. From spirituality to politics we couldn't have been further apart on the stratosphere. So we started getting on each others nerves. Why I didn't suggest he leave or why he didn't leave I have no idea. Every morning he would eat a bowl of cereal in a MIXING BOWL and at first I thought it was funny. Trust by day 7 it disgusted and annoyed me to no end. I had asked he use a cereal bowl - and now years and years later its like "who cares". So that morning I asked again. He went in my kitchen and got the largest bowl he could find and poured a whole box of cereal in the bowl then sat on my couch and laughed. I took bowl from him and dumped the cereal and milk on his head. End of relationship.
We didn't talk for years, I truly missed his friendship and tried to a couple of times but no go. Then we did get in contact with each other when a mutual friend got sick. Sometimes things just need time to pass. Trust in retrospect back then I wish I hadn't coated him in frosted flakes and milk, and had just said "hey go home". I didn't, and that's that. Lesson learned: Attraction does not equal a relationship, and let a man eat his cereal the way he wants to.
I have done this a couple times in my life. For me it never worked out to try and go from a longtime friendship to romance. Too awkward. That's not everyone's experience, and IMO the best relationships are inclusive of a great friendship.
I'll tell you a funny. One night a really great friend of mine and I ended up taking a roll after a day of well....too much partying. We woke up the next day and he just kinda stayed and didn't leave for about a week. In that days period of time we learned things about each other we never knew because we didn't date. From spirituality to politics we couldn't have been further apart on the stratosphere. So we started getting on each others nerves. Why I didn't suggest he leave or why he didn't leave I have no idea. Every morning he would eat a bowl of cereal in a MIXING BOWL and at first I thought it was funny. Trust by day 7 it disgusted and annoyed me to no end. I had asked he use a cereal bowl - and now years and years later its like "who cares". So that morning I asked again. He went in my kitchen and got the largest bowl he could find and poured a whole box of cereal in the bowl then sat on my couch and laughed. I took bowl from him and dumped the cereal and milk on his head. End of relationship.
We didn't talk for years, I truly missed his friendship and tried to a couple of times but no go. Then we did get in contact with each other when a mutual friend got sick. Sometimes things just need time to pass. Trust in retrospect back then I wish I hadn't coated him in frosted flakes and milk, and had just said "hey go home". I didn't, and that's that. Lesson learned: Attraction does not equal a relationship, and let a man eat his cereal the way he wants to.
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"New relationships are about learning each other and with that comes good and bad. You weigh out what you can tolerate balancing the good with the bad. I have been with my husband for 5 years and there are still things about each other we DON"T like. If I took it personally when my husband said "I don't like it when you do such and such" we wouldn't have made it this far - or the other way around. Its a constant work in progress.
But the beginning of a relationship shouldn't be like that. It should be fun and light - noncommittal. Dating, having experiences, sharing stories, having new adverntures, and getting to know one another. "
I don't know how to quote but the above came from Redatlanta's post. Also, I know we're talking here about someone Butterfly knew in the past, but I am addressing the idea of a 'new dating relationship' mainly from just reading fairlyuncertain's posts earlier and from the general discussion in this thread, which is a really great read!
What Redatlanta said above is so true. That's why dating someone who doesn't know your back story or too much of your history can be quite refreshing. You can control how much you tell them or reveal things over time when you feel safe and when you know you can trust them(or when you don't want to blow them out of the water). There's a certain mystery to dating that can be exhilarating but can also be draining to codependents like us.
I've been with my new guy for 3 months now. There's still so much I haven't revealed to him. He knows a lot about my X, he knows about my participation in Al Anon, and about my dad's alcoholism and some of the experiences. But, there are things that I have held back on telling him. I don't want to dump all my past emotional crap on him because, to me, it really is in the PAST. Today, he is a part of my life and i want to enjoy him. We talk about TODAY and where we are emotionally today because of what we had to work through in our pasts but we don't dwell on them or make them a part of the present. In my mind, the only time we have is today.
Until we have truly moved on from the past, it's very difficult to move on to greener pastures in the future. That takes time. I found that the hole in my heart was being filled by ME, by recovery, by my friends, by support through my church, and by God. I let my life be filled with love from myself first and that took 3 years of Al Anon, 3 years of being here at SR, and lots of tears. Once I felt that my life was so full I was bursting at the seams, I knew I would be OK moving on to a new relationship.....slowly, of course, LOL.
You know what my man likes about me? The fact that I have a life outside of him. He has claimed that he can smell a needy, insecure woman a mile away and has ended relationships quickly when a woman starts getting clingy. Someday I'll tell him that I was that way for years......someday. But, today my recovery keeps me in check and I remind myself of what Anvil said earlier, "God didn't make any junk......"
You are worthy, not worthless. You deserve peace and joy and happiness and love. We all do, but looking to another fallible human being to give us those things just spells disaster. Once we grasp that concept and practice self love for ourselves, relationships become easier and we no longer need another human being to fill that hole for us. We fill the hole ourselves with fertile soil and then let the relationships with others be the flower that grows and blesses our lives with beauty and enriches us with something new.
But the beginning of a relationship shouldn't be like that. It should be fun and light - noncommittal. Dating, having experiences, sharing stories, having new adverntures, and getting to know one another. "
I don't know how to quote but the above came from Redatlanta's post. Also, I know we're talking here about someone Butterfly knew in the past, but I am addressing the idea of a 'new dating relationship' mainly from just reading fairlyuncertain's posts earlier and from the general discussion in this thread, which is a really great read!
What Redatlanta said above is so true. That's why dating someone who doesn't know your back story or too much of your history can be quite refreshing. You can control how much you tell them or reveal things over time when you feel safe and when you know you can trust them(or when you don't want to blow them out of the water). There's a certain mystery to dating that can be exhilarating but can also be draining to codependents like us.
I've been with my new guy for 3 months now. There's still so much I haven't revealed to him. He knows a lot about my X, he knows about my participation in Al Anon, and about my dad's alcoholism and some of the experiences. But, there are things that I have held back on telling him. I don't want to dump all my past emotional crap on him because, to me, it really is in the PAST. Today, he is a part of my life and i want to enjoy him. We talk about TODAY and where we are emotionally today because of what we had to work through in our pasts but we don't dwell on them or make them a part of the present. In my mind, the only time we have is today.
Until we have truly moved on from the past, it's very difficult to move on to greener pastures in the future. That takes time. I found that the hole in my heart was being filled by ME, by recovery, by my friends, by support through my church, and by God. I let my life be filled with love from myself first and that took 3 years of Al Anon, 3 years of being here at SR, and lots of tears. Once I felt that my life was so full I was bursting at the seams, I knew I would be OK moving on to a new relationship.....slowly, of course, LOL.
You know what my man likes about me? The fact that I have a life outside of him. He has claimed that he can smell a needy, insecure woman a mile away and has ended relationships quickly when a woman starts getting clingy. Someday I'll tell him that I was that way for years......someday. But, today my recovery keeps me in check and I remind myself of what Anvil said earlier, "God didn't make any junk......"
You are worthy, not worthless. You deserve peace and joy and happiness and love. We all do, but looking to another fallible human being to give us those things just spells disaster. Once we grasp that concept and practice self love for ourselves, relationships become easier and we no longer need another human being to fill that hole for us. We fill the hole ourselves with fertile soil and then let the relationships with others be the flower that grows and blesses our lives with beauty and enriches us with something new.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Butterfly, listening to you getting so upset and giving so much thought to your interactions with your friend, I just wonder: why give him so much power over you? Why does his opinion of you matter so much? I think that as others have said, you are looking for outside confirmation of your worthiness. He's just one guy with whom you had an awkward encounter. You are so much more than that one awkward encounter. What he thinks of you is not a reflection on who you are. Time to focus on being the awesomest Butterfly you can be. What do you enjoy? What makes you you? Go after that! Did you read the reading honeypig posted today? I really liked the insights there. Sometimes all you can do is say your truth, clearly, honestly, and kindly, and then trust you've been heard and get back to the business of taking care of you. In order to do that, we have to go into it with the intention of saying our truth because we want to be authentic and not because we want to control how others react to our truth. Maybe you will be able to move toward knowing that being an authentic Butterfly is enough, and how others react is up to them.
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