I told my son

Old 06-30-2015, 03:13 PM
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I told my son

My son has apparently been doing really well, and hasn't been drinking as much as usual. I have spoken with him a few times in the past two weeks and he was sober each time. Which made it so much harder to tell him not to come 4th of July.

I didn't even say he was uninvited. I kind of said "I'm having a problem and not sure what to do. I'm worried if you get drunk on the 4th that it will be embarrassing." He did not see this coming, and he got really emotional. He said "I have been coming to 4th of July there for at least 15 years, and the only time I ever missed was one year when I was locked up. It's a big drinkfest. Why am I being singled out"?

We were both crying. I feel so horrible, but even feeling bad I still know it was the right thing to do. I talked to my daughter afterwards, and she said "that's not true. It is not a big drinkfest. He just thinks it is because he is always drinking" She said even now he's throwing blame on other people.
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Old 06-30-2015, 03:57 PM
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Don't beat yourself up about your decision. I'm sure it hurt you to have to tell him he wasn't invited but you did the right thing. So sorry you are going through this!
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:51 PM
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I am sure that was hard for you to do and maybe you were just paraphrasing to keep the post short but it doesn't sound like you said "don't come" or he said "I won't come". Just that you are worried. You sure he got the message loud and clear?
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:01 AM
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Hi owned, if he sees it as a drinkfest you might be in trouble before you start. Although hard for you, his emotional reaction is good because you may have got through to him about how others see him. Was he shocked? If so he possibly didn't understand how distressing his drunken antics are for you. Hard message, but one you have to stick to.
If he does turn up, do you have a plan in place? Friends who can remove him before the damage is done?
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:23 AM
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We talked for awhile and he said "I know I'm an embarrassment" and he said he understands, but, he was crying when he said it. He's not coming. I told him his behavior is too unpredictable and I have a lot of older people, kids, friends, etc. and don't want to be embarrassed. He kept trying to say "well, so and so gets drunk", and the people he was naming drink, but no one ever, ever acts inappropriate. He couldn't understand why this year he can't come, but, past years he was doing drugs and he was allowed to come. I told him that this was a long time coming, leading up to this. I told him I can't stand being around him when he's drunk, and I told him he gets confrontational.

I woke up a few times last night and this is the first thing I thought about. I'm completely sick over it. I feel sick to my stomach. I called my ex-husband last night and he said, "you are doing the right thing". He said my son stopped over on Father's Day and was so drunk and embarrassing, that he does not want him at any future family parties.

I know it in my head that this was the right thing, but, my heart hurts. I told my son "Why can't you stop drinking". His girlfriend messaged me later saying that my son was just upset and for me not to be upset about it. In his mind he is doing better than past years, but he is actually worse.

One of our guests is a police officer, so if need be, he could talk to him.

I am not even looking forward to this weekend and now I feel like a traitor having fun. If I was reading this post about someone else, I would feel like Oh my gosh, you did the right thing. Don't stress over it. But when it is you, it is not so simple.

I wish this would make a difference, but, I don't think it will. I think if anything he will use it for an excuse to drink.

Thank you for all your insight and help. I really appreciate the support.
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:26 AM
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It also doesn't help that my husband, my son's stepdad, really didn't think I should tell him not to come. He is supporting my decision, but he felt so bad about it. He said "you know me, I always give all the kids the benefit of the doubt" and he does. He would have never initiated this, and he is upset about it.
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:50 AM
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Sorry you're feeling so sad 'owned', but I admire your strength in going through with it despite the hurt.
Your son's girlfriend sounds like a treasure.
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:53 AM
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I don't see why he could not come if he promised not to drink. It's good for him to know that, he is one of the ones who should not and can not drink.

So he shows -- any indication that he has had even one, he is sent away.

MM

P'S -- It was mentioned that he was doing well and not drinking much. This is not considered doing well if alcoholic ???
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:08 AM
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If only it were that easy. First of all, he would never promise to not drink, but, if he did, he would just drink anyway and hide it. Then if I asked him if he was drinking he would say no. I cannot trust him. He has no desire to stop drinking. When I say he has been doing well, I mean the past few times I've spoken with him, he hasn't been drunk. It has also been fairly early in the day.

His behavior is unpredictable. I have held my breath through other parties, not just 4th of July and it is very stressful on me to have to monitor everything he does. I also don't trust him to not drive home drunk. He lets his girlfriend drive and she only has her learner's permit. If they got pulled over and he was drunk, with her driving, it would be bad. She would probably not even be able to get her license.

Believe me when I say I feel terrible about this. I will give you one example of how he gets. He was at his dad's on Father's day and they were talking about a dog that lives down the street from his dad. They said that they wished the owner brought the dog inside more often. My son gets up, starts getting all mad and asking for their address. He was going to go knock on some stranger's door and yell at them about a dog he does not even know.

He has done embarrassing things like that many, many times here. The list is too long. I would be here all day. I always just try to get through the day. I just don't feel like I can do it this year.
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:10 AM
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It's funny because it I saw someone else do this, I would think they were so strong. When I do it, I feel like a big coward who is just avoiding the situation. I know that's not the case, but that's how I feel.
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:21 AM
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You're doing the right thing. I have canceled a few events I would have normally hosted because of my son and my resentment grew. He lives with us so I didn't have a choice of inviting him. You are not going to make him drink more...that's his choice. Don't feel guilty. Wish I had learned that lesson years ago.
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by ownedbypugs View Post
I wish this would make a difference, but, I don't think it will. I think if anything he will use it for an excuse to drink.
It will make a difference to you and your other guests if you don't have to deal with an embarrassing drunk at your gathering.

How he deals with it--whether it's something that will open his eyes a bit more or whether it's just another excuse to drink--isn't something you can control. That's totally on him. You didn't not invite him to punish him, but rather so you and others at the party don't have to deal with unpleasantness. If he wants an excuse to drink, an alcoholic never has a shortage of those.

If he came, you'd be on pins and needles the whole time. So try to enjoy your other guests. This is ONE holiday gathering. You haven't cut him out of your life, just from an event that historically has turned out badly. If you have to do it again for the same reason, you can do that. Alcoholics are very good at taking hostages, without any evil intent. You and your other guests should not be at the mercy of the unpredictable behavior of a drunk.
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:28 AM
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Originally Posted by ownedbypugs View Post

My son gets up, starts getting all mad and asking for their address. He was going to go knock on some stranger's door and yell at them about a dog he does not even know.
Thanks for reminding me of what, I used to act like when I was drunk. True, I agree with you, I (and most all alcoholics) are not a pretty sight and often looking to rumble.

Guess that I have been away from the drink for a while. This site helps me to remember how it was, what happened and how it is now.

Thank you
and
I hope that your son get's the desire not to drink someday.
For -- I do remember what we do to our families and loved ones.
MM
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:31 AM
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pugs, if you are feeling "cowardly" then think of yourself as protecting your other guests. That is noble, and courageous. This wasn't an "easy out" for you. You've agonized over it. Now let it go, and stop hurting your head.
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Old 07-01-2015, 05:00 AM
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Your alternatives here were not good ones. You could have assigned family and friends to monitor him, which is a job not a party, only to fail. Its clear from your sons response he intended to drink as he stated "everybody drinks" not "I won't" (even though that has been a proven lie and I would have stood my ground).

Your husband's (kind of) non support in the decision is typical codependent behavior in caving into the A at the expense of everyone else. Everybody tip toes around the Alcoholic trying not to upset him, and that's really bad for all parties involved.

You are teaching him there is accountability to actions. Lexie is right, stop hurting yourself over this. If you had let him come and he embarrassed you (which he would have) you would beat yourself up over inviting him.

Enjoy your party sounds like it will be a great time!
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Old 07-01-2015, 05:14 AM
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Here's a thought. My friend comes from a family of heavy drinkers. She gave her daughter an amazing sweet 16 party at a country club, closed the bar and said no byob. People were surprised, but no one left. Is it really necessary that people have booze available at every event?
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Old 07-01-2015, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by ownedbypugs View Post
I wish this would make a difference, but, I don't think it will. I think if anything he will use it for an excuse to drink.
It most certainly will make a difference--to you and to your family. You should know by now that you can't do anything about your son's drinking. That's on him. He has to want to quit. Could this be a tipping point? One can only hope.
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Old 07-01-2015, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by iGirl66 View Post
Here's a thought. My friend comes from a family of heavy drinkers. She gave her daughter an amazing sweet 16 party at a country club, closed the bar and said no byob. People were surprised, but no one left. Is it really necessary that people have booze available at every event?
No. However, if everyone who attends is a responsible drinker why must the party be a teetotaler to accommodate ONE PERSON - the alcoholic?
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Old 07-01-2015, 06:45 AM
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ownedbypugs.....I was just amused by your "name". At this point you are onedbyalcoholic........and, he is ownedby alcoholism......(ironic, but not funny)....

Speaking as a mother who has been through this same thing, I have to tell you that you will need to grow a thick rhino skin in regard to the boundaries that you set in regard to his behaviors.
Of course you don't feel "good" about this. You are normal and human---and it goes against our basic mother instincts (for most mothers).
BUT MOM....I think you are beginning to see that there isn't a better option. Things have progressed to the point that the options are (1) Stinks
(2) stinks 10 times worse than number one option.

You must recognize and accept that you are not dealing with a "normal" person brain, here. His brain is at the behest of the alcoholism and, as a result, he is not able to understand how he is damaging you and hurting other people. His disease doesn't care how many hours you cry, mom!!
His reality and your reality of the situation are not even similar.
Every time you let him run roughshod over social situations---you are actually endangering your future relationship with him....as the resentments will be even worse! You need to put a stop to this right now, before it gets even worse.

Don't listen to your husband...he obviously needs a lot more learning about this disease, himself...lol!
His girlfriend, also. They are both enabling (out of ignorance, I am sure).

Mom, this is hurting you more than it is hurting him, right now. He will drink to make the bad feelings go away....and his disease will not let him "see" how much he is hurting others.
Mom---you are going to have to learn a lot m ore about this disease and get a lot more knowleable and supportive people in your camp!!!

Final thought--it is essential that he come face-to-face with the natural consequences of his drinking. Every time someone cushions the impact for him----you are enabling him (even if that is not your conscious intention).

dandylion (with much mother's empathy for you)
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Old 07-01-2015, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
No. However, if everyone who attends is a responsible drinker why must the party be a teetotaler to accommodate ONE PERSON - the alcoholic?
When my first husband and I got married, it was a booze-free reception--we used sparkling cider for the toast. (We did discover some of his work buddies were snorting coke in the basement, but they weren't disruptive nor were they doing it in front of other people.)

It was OUR celebration, WE were the hosts, and although many of the guests were AA friends, the other people had fun anyway. If we had attended someone else's wedding/reception, we wouldn't have expected it to be booze-free to accommodate my husband. I think it is always the host's privilege to decide how to serve his/her guests, and guests should be gracious and not complain if booze is or is not served. If you can't tolerate either situation then you are free to send regrets or to politely leave.
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