confused and feeling alone

Old 06-30-2015, 06:30 AM
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confused and feeling alone

I'm new to the forum. My RW is in her 4th day after rehab for alcohol. She is quite different. More sure of herself. The issue is that since she has been home I don't feel as if I am nearly as important to her than I was before she went. I think my expectations were too high about what life would be like after. She says she has to focus on her sobriety and that God, sobriety, and then me are her priorities. She is more distant to me than she was yet she assures me that "we are ok". She needs her alone time that does not include me. She says she knows she destroyed me with her lies and manipulation and that I need to just focus on my recovery. I did not ask for any of this yet I am the one suffering. I have an al - anon sponsor and have been attending meetings. I just want my pre - alcohol wife back. The person that came back from rehab just does not seem to need me. Will she ever get back to leaning on me for support. Her moods ticks up when she hears from her rehab mates but she does not really smile when she sees me. I don't have that bond she shares with those people. I am committed to supporting her in her recovery. I just don't know how to process all this.
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Old 06-30-2015, 06:39 AM
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Hi, and welcome! I think partners of alcoholics often become very attached to being "needed." In truth, all of us should be complete in ourselves and not "need" another person to be whole.

I wouldn't predict what your future with your wife is going to look like, based on the way your relationship is four days home from rehab. It's impossible to say, and everything will be "off" for a while. Eventually things will settle down and you will both make adjustments, and THEN you can consider whether the relationship is working as it is, whether more work on your relationship is called for, or whether you even both want to continue with it. Anything is possible.

Keep working your program and let her work hers. Everything is very new and different and it's a HUGE adjustment. My first husband got sober a year before we got married and he's still sober 35 years later. We eventually divorced (my choice) after 15 years, but most of the marriage was good in the sense that we never stopped caring for each other or respecting each other. I just wanted something different for my life. But I remember the first couple of years were a little crazy-making at times. Things settled down into a new normal.
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Old 06-30-2015, 09:54 AM
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Glad you found SR TommyVet! Early recovery is really tough on both individuals.

Is there anything you could focus on to keep your attention off of your wife for awhile? Any solo trips or big projects you can do? I run half marathons with a running buddy. I have two trips planned without my H later this year. I am taking a college class in July. I make sure to have some individual activities to fill my time rather than my spouse filling my time. I tend to get too involved in his issues and his busines, so it may seem a bit selfish to focus on yourself - but it is very likely takes the pressure off the relationship at this juncture.

I know it hurts and you feel lonely. Have you tried Al Anon? Those people would get you too.

As for her connection to fellow addicts, be glad she has the connections. Be grateful you are not an addict.

Peace!
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Old 06-30-2015, 11:02 AM
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i really wouldn't worry too much that how things are with her FOUR DAYS out of rehab is your new forever. she is very newly sober and has a long road ahead as she begins to recover - physically, mentally and emotionally. her recovery program and the people in it are her LIFE LINE right now....that is where she is getting her support and guidance in learning how to live life without drink.

i'm glad to hear you are attending alanon, that is FOR YOU. that is where you will get your support and guidance.

give time time. expect little for now. try to keep up with your normal routines. she has to learn to do for herself again. like learning to walk.
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Old 06-30-2015, 01:02 PM
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Tommyvet, welcome to SR. I'd like to echo the earlier posters who said it's going to take time. I know that when I was new here, I felt that if only alcohol was removed from the equation, everything would be roses and sunshine. What I learned was that if alcohol was removed from the equation, what I'd be left with was all the other problems, both mine and the A's, that the alcohol had been used to cover up. Since alcohol was never removed from the equation for very long in my case, I got the benefit of BOTH ways of things sucking, depending on what was going on!

How you feel is understandable--you put up w/all kinds of crap, and now it's time for the payoff, right? Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.

It sounds nuts, but the best way to spend your energy right now is by working on your OWN recovery--none of us have managed to live w/active alcoholics and escape unscathed, trust me. SR is a great resource, as is Alanon. I find great value in both of them and think you might too.
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:45 AM
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I guess I am not feeling the care and love back from her like I used to. Yes I understand she is now 5 days out of rehab. I have been attending al anon. It's just that she says she knows she destroyed me and diseased our family and yet there seems to be no concern on her part for anything but her getting better. At what point do we get to rebuild what she is responsible for tearing apart? I can't help but to be as mad as hell for that and I am the one that has to try to be strong for our marriage.
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:02 AM
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Tommy I agree with the others that she has a lot to process, and her distraction might be a good sign. It's common to read on these forums that the recovering spouse is distant/grumpy/distracted/different. I hope it changes as time goes by, but she can't take it all on at once after years of drinking. It's just impossible for her to absorb it instantly.
Try to find your own counsellor to help you process your understandable anger. Now you don't have the 'sober spouse' role to play you can work out a better more constructive life for yourself.
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by tommyvet View Post
there seems to be no concern on her part for anything but her getting better. At what point do we get to rebuild what she is responsible for tearing apart? I can't help but to be as mad as hell for that and I am the one that has to try to be strong for our marriage.
Sounds to me like there is concern. However, what has happened cannot be made to "un-happen"--if she is working her program then at some point she will be taking concrete action to repair what damage she can. But if she doesn't focus on her sobriety as the number one priority at this point, you can kiss goodbye any thoughts of that. If she doesn't learn to deal with life sober, she won't be in a position to be any good to anyone.

Believe me, whatever it may look like from the outside, she is doing hard work and she is being strong, too. It isn't all on you. Let go of some of that control you're trying to hold onto so hard. Keep the focus on you, and great things will happen for you--regardless of what she does.
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:32 AM
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If she has a Big Book maybe you would find it helpful to read the chapters To The Wives and The Family Afterwards for yourself.

Also, are you going to Alanon meetings for yourself?







Originally Posted by tommyvet View Post
I'm new to the forum. My RW is in her 4th day after rehab for alcohol. She is quite different. More sure of herself. The issue is that since she has been home I don't feel as if I am nearly as important to her than I was before she went. I think my expectations were too high about what life would be like after. She says she has to focus on her sobriety and that God, sobriety, and then me are her priorities. She is more distant to me than she was yet she assures me that "we are ok". She needs her alone time that does not include me. She says she knows she destroyed me with her lies and manipulation and that I need to just focus on my recovery. I did not ask for any of this yet I am the one suffering. I have an al - anon sponsor and have been attending meetings. I just want my pre - alcohol wife back. The person that came back from rehab just does not seem to need me. Will she ever get back to leaning on me for support. Her moods ticks up when she hears from her rehab mates but she does not really smile when she sees me. I don't have that bond she shares with those people. I am committed to supporting her in her recovery. I just don't know how to process all this.
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:38 AM
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On the bright side of things at least she went to rehab and got help. She is going to AA and working the program...it will be an adjustment for both of you. Just keep open communication...not talking about it could lead to resentments...hang in there
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:49 AM
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Earthworm has a great idea there. You might also go to a couple of AA meetings (open meetings--the majority of them are--which just means anyone can attend). Not the ones she goes to, and not with her. It might give you a much better idea of what HER program is like. Keep the focus on you and your recovery, but educating yourself about what she is doing and learning will help with understanding.
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Old 07-02-2015, 04:20 PM
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I have been to a couple of meetings with her.

Today she was showing me the private Facebook page she created for her mates in rehab. She was showing me what they were saying and her eyes and smile were full on with the progress of their recovery. At the very same time though she is not interested in my recovery and simply tells me she knows I am hurt and damaged but I have to get to my own recovery. I feel **** on by that. Tell me where I am wrong.
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Old 07-02-2015, 04:54 PM
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The way I thought about it was that my RAH and I couldn't rebuild 'us' if we weren't both rebuilding ourselves - making sure that we were healthy and strong. No point in us trying to create something healthy if one or both of us were diseased. I'd give it time...to express all your anger, fear, loss and regret. You are only 4 days in.
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Old 07-02-2015, 05:19 PM
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Al Anon has a thin little book called "Living With Sobriety." It addresses many of the things you are going through and I think you would find it helpful.
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Old 07-02-2015, 06:11 PM
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I can't say you're "wrong" to feel however you feel. All I can say, as someone who has been in two marriages to alcoholics, and is almost seven years sober myself, is that the way she is behaving is like someone who is grabbing recovery with both hands, and is happy and excited about it. That's one of the best predictors there is for her ultimate successful recovery.

Now, you can go ahead and keep feeding those feelings of anger and bitterness that you have (which doesn't seem like a promising path to eventual happiness), or you can work on dealing with the reasons you feel this way (and just a hint, only part of it has to do with her) and do a little self-nurturing.

She's not going to be the way she's acting right now forever. Pink clouds fade and life--including family life--will eventually find its place in her consciousness. But right now she's doing what she needs to do, and there are things you could be doing for yourself in the meantime. Your choice, though.
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Old 07-03-2015, 07:54 PM
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Also look into SMART recovery and rational recovery. Especially the AVRT crash course. The emphasis is on responsibility beyond just putting down the bottle and getting to the ROOT of her behavior which if not addressed just manifests as another addiction. 4 days isn't very long at all. But you did not get married to settle on being third place for the next 50 years and sitting about in rooms learning to detach. God and Sobriety are parts of her life that don't need to exclude you. Addicts are selfish at their core. Too many simply trade active selfish for sober selfish. Don't buy it. She has a responsibility to herself and you and society. You are not addicted to being needed. Marriage is a interdependent structure. This overemphasis on independence is more American culture than anything having to to with recovery. .She has not upheld her part, but is now trying, so by all means support her and give her some space to figure it out, but hold her accountable . By all means take care of yourself. But realize that if she can't get her crap together, you may have to start building a life apart. Good Luck
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Old 07-03-2015, 08:21 PM
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I girl, thank you!! You ar ether first person on his forum I have ever heard talk about marriage the way you do! Thank you! I completely agree! Marriage is about having a partner for life, having someone that is the person you love but also your friend to do fun things with and enjoy every day normal life experiences. Marriage is absolutely not about detachment, doing your own thing and focusing on yourself and not focusing on the marriage couple. While it is normal and healthy to do healthy good things to take care of oneself. Living separate lives while being married has always been such a completely sad thing to me and so many people advocate that on here. So thank you for your post!
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Old 07-03-2015, 11:43 PM
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Originally Posted by searching peace View Post
Living separate lives while being married has always been such a completely sad thing to me and so many people advocate that on here.
I don't believe I've ever seen ANYONE advocate this. In fact, I've often seen it said that detachment is not a long-term solution. It's a tool to be used while working on one's own recovery and trying to find the right path and right course of action. For many of us, it takes a while to see the truth of where we are and what we need and want to do. Detachment can give us enough time and space and peace to do that.
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Old 07-03-2015, 11:53 PM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I don't believe I've ever seen ANYONE advocate this. In fact, I've often seen it said that detachment is not a long-term solution. It's a tool to be used while working on one's own recovery and trying to find the right path and right course of action. For many of us, it takes a while to see the truth of where we are and what we need and want to do. Detachment can give us enough time and space and peace to do that.
I agree that time and space can help some people get a clear vision and understanding of their situation. But I have to respectfully say honeypig, that I have definitely seen some people post things that are not, in my humble opinion, ideas of what a happy and healthy marriage look like when staying married to an A, or promoting leaving an A. This is only my opinion. I believe in marriage. I believe in today's society it is all too easy to get divorced. I think everyone's situation is unique and special to them. A lot of the stories on here are similar, but it is difficult to grasp the entire relationship, hearing one side and in only a few paragraphs. Again, it is only my opinion. And in that very personal opinion, I do think some people are all too quick to judge and tell someone to go no contact, leave or detach from their spouse.
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Old 07-03-2015, 11:54 PM
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I respect your opinion, Searching.
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