In crisis and feeling pathetic

Old 06-29-2015, 09:57 AM
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In crisis and feeling pathetic

My long rambly pathetic heartbreak story....

After I broke with my xabf (now in recovery), I was single for a bit and had a rough three years. Then a man pursued me. I was skeptical because of the age difference and other things and told him that repeatedly. He said he wanted to be with me. He swept me off my feet. It was long distance, but we managed to see each other regularly. It was so light-hearted and fun and lovely. I had been so lonely and depressed for so long. Now finally all was looking up - I got a new permanent job (almost impossible in my field) and get to move back to the U.S. (also a bit closer to him). I had this lovely man, summer is here, we were planning a road trip to Florida in August. I was happy for the first time in a long time (I was in a very stressful relationship with the xabf for over six years, then three very very lonely years in a different country). I had my doubts it would last because of the age difference (I am older), but it worked so well. We were great together. I felt fun and funny and charming and beautiful.

Last Thursday we skyped. We had a bit of an argument about politics and I was generally feeling cranky (I had just gotten back from a week abroad to see my family and missed them a lot). He was odd - distracted and distant. I made a joke: "Now we have argued about politics, are we going to make it to our 6-months anniversary?" He said "No." Just like that. Not because of the argument. Two hours into the Skype conversation, with absolutely no indication beforehand, with a loving invitation to Skype because he wanted to see me (as in spend time with me), he told me he met somebody in his area two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. He acted completely normal during that time. I was in absolute shock.

I said that last week he had reminded me of our 6-month-anniversary and when I suggested I visit, he said that could work. He said he wanted me to visit because "he liked me too". WHAT?! He would have let these two relationships run simultaneously for a while if he had gotten away with it longer. I told him that you never ever lead someone on, not for two weeks. That he robbed me of time with my family (I would have stayed longer with them had I known. I could have recovered there). I left the conversation.

He sent me an email two days (!!) later, explaining himself and rationalizing (I know he was waiting for me to contact him first). He tried to protect his image (he is very image-conscious). He wants my absolution. He acts as if he was trying to protect me from pain blablabla. A friend, who knows him, says he is going through what people in their teens and early 20s go through. I was his first real relationship (also his first lover) and he is in his late 20s (he used to be very religious, so his relationships did not go beyond dating and were platonic). She says now he has the confidence to go out there. She has followed our relationship and says he does love me, but he is immature and now going after instant gratification.

She is convinced he will be back, but I need to NOT hope. I need to get over this. He told me when I was at my most vulnerable. I am lonely, I have no support system, I am moving in six weeks, starting a new job in a new town where I don't know anybody. I feel scared and alone. I don't want to tell my family because I don't want them to worry about me (they worry enough as it is). I have one lovely friend here who has been great, but she has her own relationship troubles.

He was not someone I would have been interested in (I have known him for a few years now) superficially, but he wooed me. I saw his flaws, but was fine with them because I was so sure he is a righteous, principled person with integrity. I never doubted his love and was never jealous. So this hit me like a sledge hammer.

I know 6 months is not a long time, but it felt like such a healthy good relationship and we spent a lot of time together. And then he cheats and strings me along and I just don't know how to cope. I have six weeks ahead of me with no structured obligations. I can maybe go away for a week, but don't know where. This feels so trivial compared to what many of you have experienced, but it's like my trust was totally shattered. The following day I managed somehow, but then I just cracked. I spent 36 hours in bed except to take out the dogs. I felt I could never be happy again. I have not eaten in three days. I try to, but I can't.

I think I just need to hear that I can make it through this.
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:26 AM
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Oh, Kimmeh, you can get through this. You are going through what it sounds like is a greiving process...the relationship is not what you thought it was and that leaves us brokenhearted. Did you two agree to be exclusive? You need to get out of bed and get busy. I know what you are going through. My AH asked me to move out and I have been very emotional all week. I am staying at a friend's house and she has been amazing. I probably would be in bed all day too, but that is no way to live. You deserve to be treated better. You don't deserve to be cheated on. Trust has been broken now. It is very hard to build trust back . I am so sorry...hugs.
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:35 AM
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well at least he had the decency to TELL you. and if they just met two weeks ago, it may have taken some time for him to decide whether THAT path was worth pursuing. i wouldn't call it cheating unless you two had some pact to be exclusive.

these things happen, and what we thought we had sometimes just isn't. you yourself said you had doubts due to the age difference, and were resistant at first. so the good news is your inner warning bells are still ringing and thankfully it didn't take 6 YEARS for more to be revealed.

so now, you get up, get something to eat, take a shower. you have a new job starting soon AND six weeks of YOU time ahead of you. i'd KILL for that much time off!!! now is the time to explore YOUR new world, get to know your environs, find the best coffee stand, thai food joint, yoga studio, whatever. get out of the "city" and find some nature. do silly touristy stuff. life isn't over, its just beginning!
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:36 AM
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Thank you SadInTX! Yes, we were exclusive. He was loving and sweet until that dreadful Skype conversation. I am just no sure what to think. Everything felt fine except for an inkling here and there on my part, but I am also a somewhat moody person. It was so lovely and I wish there had been some sort of negative build-up...

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Turning to friends is the best. I have been thinking of visiting friends, but they all live in his direction, and hours on the interstate that reminds me of him scares me a bit right now.

Hugs to you - it always gets better... I keep reminding myself that the worst is over (the moment he told me and the rest of that evening). Still, it's hard...
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:36 AM
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Kimmieh......of course you are going to make it through this. Your reaction is pretty normal for such an unexpected disappointment----you were slammed pretty hard.

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Old 06-29-2015, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
well at least he had the decency to TELL you. and if they just met two weeks ago, it may have taken some time for him to decide whether THAT path was worth pursuing. i wouldn't call it cheating unless you two had some pact to be exclusive.
We were exclusive, that's the thing. He slept with her while planning to meet me and that is cheating. I know it doesn't sound "so bad," but I feel betrayed and I know he would have kept up the charade for a while. You don't test out relationships while you are in one, not when you had the conversation about cheating. You don't act like everything is just fine.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
these things happen, and what we thought we had sometimes just isn't. you yourself said you had doubts due to the age difference, and were resistant at first. so the good news is your inner warning bells are still ringing and thankfully it didn't take 6 YEARS for more to be revealed.

so now, you get up, get something to eat, take a shower. you have a new job starting soon AND six weeks of YOU time ahead of you. i'd KILL for that much time off!!! now is the time to explore YOUR new world, get to know your environs, find the best coffee stand, thai food joint, yoga studio, whatever. get out of the "city" and find some nature. do silly touristy stuff. life isn't over, its just beginning!
I know, you are right. I am already out of bed and doing work. But I am struggling. My mind knows all this. I have been through worse than this. I don't know exactly why it hurts so tremendously much. Maybe it's because there is nobody to do all that with.
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Kimmieh......of course you are going to make it through this. Your reaction is pretty normal for such an unexpected disappointment----you were slammed pretty hard.

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Thank you. It was the happiest I had been by far in a very very long time.
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:55 AM
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Yeah, Kimmea......those of us who have been there do understand, I think...

Listen.....the first 6months of a new "romance" is accompanied by an AVALANCH of the feel good hormones. It literally is a "drug induced d high" in many ways. The closest you will ever get to being high on drugs....lol! It is fantastic--and Mother Nature has it planned like this to insure the propagation of the species....etc. Hopeworks speaks well on this subject.....from the biologic side of things.....(You might want to talk to her).
To have the drugs suddenly removed (via the curt break-up)....literally throws you into emotional withdrawl........
Which hurts unlike anything else....... (again, part of Mother Nature's plan).

Regardless of the circumstances...all break-ups hurt (if you were emotionally invested).

Get back into the social scene as soon as y ou possibly can----that will do a lot to put this caper into the category of romantic misadventures of your past life......lol!!

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Old 06-29-2015, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Yeah, Kimmea......those of us who have been there do understand, I think...

Listen.....the first 6months of a new "romance" is accompanied by an AVALANCH of the feel good hormones. It literally is a "drug induced d high" in many ways. The closest you will ever get to being high on drugs....lol! It is fantastic--and Mother Nature has it planned like this to insure the propagation of the species....etc. Hopeworks speaks well on this subject.....from the biologic side of things.....(You might want to talk to her).
To have the drugs suddenly removed (via the curt break-up)....literally throws you into emotional withdrawl........
Which hurts unlike anything else....... (again, part of Mother Nature's plan).

Regardless of the circumstances...all break-ups hurt (if you were emotionally invested).

Get back into the social scene as soon as y ou possibly can----that will do a lot to put this caper into the category of romantic misadventures of your past life......lol!!

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Evil, isn't??

Thank you. I am trying. The timing was very bad, but then I guess it's never good. I have been making a list of things that bothered me about him. There are lots of things that suggest eventually we would have parted (mostly with regards to life goals). But I miss the fun. We had so much fun. He made me laugh and he made me feel great. I miss that so much. I actually know that there were limits with regards to depth, but we were just amazingly funny and charming together. Part of me wish we had just been friends.

I do know that I come out of this a more confident person because he brought out a side of me that was buried during my 6 years with an alcoholic bf and I like this side. I liked the me in an easy and comfortable and stress-free relationship. So maybe this was the practice run to realize again who I am when I am not a co-dependent mess. To know before I meet a better match. One day at a time.
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Old 06-29-2015, 11:34 AM
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I know it hurts now, but I hope you get over him fairly quickly and am just glad it didn't drag on for longer for you. He sounds pretty dang immature, probably best to let him cut his teeth on other "girls" more his age with more immaturity themselves.
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
I know it hurts now, but I hope you get over him fairly quickly and am just glad it didn't drag on for longer for you. He sounds pretty dang immature, probably best to let him cut his teeth on other "girls" more his age with more immaturity themselves.
Thank you! I keep doing what I tried to do with my axbf, namely remember the things that annoyed me. It's a bit more difficult in this case, but I had had moments in which I wondered about his level of empathy and other things. I think he has some narcissistic traits (he is not a narcissist per se, but thinks VERY highly of himself and lacks a certain humility).

I have realized about myself that I have much more confidence these days. I don't care who this other woman is. In earlier times I would have agonized and tortured myself over her possibly being younger, prettier, thinner, etc. I am dealing with this break-up much better than with a very similar one 10 years ago during which I was absolutely devastated, obsessive, and stalkerish (online) for months. This time I defriended him on Facebook right after he told (more to deny him access to my life that I know he still wanted, but also to keep myself safe). I don't ask people what he might post and largely try not to think of him. It does hurt, but I learn about myself that I have grown a lot into myself over the years.

It seems so trivial in light of what people here go through and what I myself have gone through in the past. But I think when you experience this light-hearted carefree happiness for the first time in so long and it gets ripped away with no warning, it's a very intense pain in its own right.
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Old 06-30-2015, 09:56 AM
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Kimmieh.....you will feel that way again......

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Old 06-30-2015, 10:38 AM
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Someone wrote on this forum (Dandylion?) "all break ups require a period of grief....and grief HURTS.
It doesn't matter who did the breaking up...how it happened...if there are kids..no kids...dogs...married/living together...breaking up is painful! I just have to remind myself that this is temporary...we won't feel like this every day forever. ..
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Kimmieh.....you will feel that way again......

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Originally Posted by SadInTX View Post
Someone wrote on this forum (Dandylion?) "all break ups require a period of grief....and grief HURTS.
It doesn't matter who did the breaking up...how it happened...if there are kids..no kids...dogs...married/living together...breaking up is painful! I just have to remind myself that this is temporary...we won't feel like this every day forever. ..
Thank you both so so much! I wish I could feel less pathetic about this. I am trying to be rational. I know we probably were not meant to stay together forever. But as brief as it was, it felt like the most normal AND happy relationship I have ever had.

Thanks for the reminder that it will pass AND that it's fine to feel this way. I am ok and functional and each day is a tiny bit better. It helps to hear that my feelings are legitimate.
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Old 07-01-2015, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh View Post
It seems so trivial in light of what people here go through and what I myself have gone through in the past. But I think when you experience this light-hearted carefree happiness for the first time in so long and it gets ripped away with no warning, it's a very intense pain in its own right.
I don't believe it is trivial. I have been alone for four years after separating from AXH so I can relate. I like being single but I can't deny I have major trust issues. If I'd taken a chance on someone and been treated like that I'd feel really upset and betrayed.
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Old 07-01-2015, 10:54 AM
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Ah, wow, I'm so sorry for you, this is awful news. Just when you got that new job and everything. I would be feeling just like your are, and the bedtime for me probably would have lasted longer.

I am glad he told you so that you can continue to move forward. Maybe you can look at this as being one step closer to what your life will look like once the dust settles. I've always considered things like this exactly that, a step forward. For those six months you were happy, comfortable and loving life. As opposed to what life was like before him.

Now you now what you want in a relationship. Someone like him, to sweep you off your feet and someone you can spoil. Don't disregard the wonderful times you've had together.You deserve to hold those good memories in your heart. Just because it didn't end well, (or because it ended) doesn't mean you can't be thankful for him and what you've learned.

((( hugs))) many of these hugs to you. I hate heartaches, worst thing ever.
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Old 07-01-2015, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Tentindependent View Post
I don't believe it is trivial. I have been alone for four years after separating from AXH so I can relate. I like being single but I can't deny I have major trust issues. If I'd taken a chance on someone and been treated like that I'd feel really upset and betrayed.
Thank you! I know have a better view of the little things that suggested we did not have that much momentum left, perhaps. If he had told me right away "hey, I met someone, she is local, I think I want to pursue this," it would have hurt, but I think we could have split on good terms. The fact that I had absolutely no idea this was going on and my total and utter trust that he was totally devoted to me is what is so very difficult. Especially since he pursued me.

Originally Posted by changeneeded View Post
Ah, wow, I'm so sorry for you, this is awful news. Just when you got that new job and everything. I would be feeling just like your are, and the bedtime for me probably would have lasted longer.

I am glad he told you so that you can continue to move forward. Maybe you can look at this as being one step closer to what your life will look like once the dust settles. I've always considered things like this exactly that, a step forward. For those six months you were happy, comfortable and loving life. As opposed to what life was like before him.

Now you now what you want in a relationship. Someone like him, to sweep you off your feet and someone you can spoil. Don't disregard the wonderful times you've had together.You deserve to hold those good memories in your heart. Just because it didn't end well, (or because it ended) doesn't mean you can't be thankful for him and what you've learned.

((( hugs))) many of these hugs to you. I hate heartaches, worst thing ever.
Yes, I was thinking today, I was probably meant to have a few weeks to get over it before I move to the next town and start the new job. I try to be rational about this. I already know it was worth it. He made me feel better about myself than I have ever felt and I do believe he was genuinely smitten. I think I can retain feeling this way about myself. But man that was fun...I wonder if there are older and more experienced men out there who can be that much fun.
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:00 PM
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I also want to brag about how far I have come compared to previous break-ups and relationship issues (a list for myself):

- I did not ask who she is or how they met. I do not have any desire to know anything about her (this is baffling to me)
- I am not obsessing about whether or not she is younger or prettier or about the reasons he might be with her (usually I would torture myself with this and my insecurities would eat me up)
- I defriended him on Facebook right when he told me, firstly because I felt like he has no right to access to my life in any shape or form, but also to keep myself safe (eventually I will ask him or have someone ask him to take down my pictures - I don't want to be part of a "look at my great love life" image building on facebook, but for now it's not a priority)
- I do not constantly check other online activity
- When he told me, I did not cry, scream or otherwise lose control. I was obviously angry, but after I said what I had to say, I left
- I did not respond to his email. I wrote a response for myself, but did not send it. I went full-blown no contact, which I intend to keep up until I feel safely over him (by which point I won't care anymore). I have to admit, the no contact is also a bit of revenge because I know he misses me and he said repeatedly he wants to be in touch. But I think I have the right to be a little petty here. It helps keeping it up

So I guess this also shows me that I handle these things far better now than I used to.
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:26 PM
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A big hug, I'm so sorry for your pain. I had a long distance relationship that crashed and burned. It taught me to let go of expectations and hopes of fairy tale endings. At least you never met him.....
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
A big hug, I'm so sorry for your pain. I had a long distance relationship that crashed and burned. It taught me to let go of expectations and hopes of fairy tale endings. At least you never met him.....
I did meet him. We spent lots of weekends together. Those are the best memories of this whole thing, sadly.
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