AGF quit rehab
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I'd be careful of the condo association. You could end up with further problems (sounds like you already have them), along the lines of legal expenses and fines since she is disrupting the community.
I'm sorry she continues her train wreck. Take care of yourself, and perhaps next time choose a less "plush" mattress for her to land on (there will be a next time). I'm sure it was a quiet evening for the hotel guests.
I'm sorry she continues her train wreck. Take care of yourself, and perhaps next time choose a less "plush" mattress for her to land on (there will be a next time). I'm sure it was a quiet evening for the hotel guests.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
IHA, I think you did pretty well.....she was drunk, you had set a boundary on that, and you removed her from the home and did NOT give her access to a motorized vehicle. I agree the other hotel guests might not have had a relaxing evening.
it must be quite a shock, as more is revealed and you begin to see just how bad it really is. obviously just sticking her in another rehab is not likely to FIX things. sometimes we have to let others fall. let them drive that bus right into the ditch (ok, perhaps a bad metaphor...).
I agree you do have some tough choices if you want to protect your own life and sanity. hang in there
it must be quite a shock, as more is revealed and you begin to see just how bad it really is. obviously just sticking her in another rehab is not likely to FIX things. sometimes we have to let others fall. let them drive that bus right into the ditch (ok, perhaps a bad metaphor...).
I agree you do have some tough choices if you want to protect your own life and sanity. hang in there
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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So sorry to hear that you are going through this. This pattern is not uncommon and I experienced the same thing over and over as my XA careened through programs and jail experiences. Short stints of sobriety would be interrupted by insane spouts of black out drinking.
I also set firm boundaries that active drinking would not be tolerated for one second in my home. I would remove him as you did to avoid embarrassment in our neighborhood and take him to a detox where he usually walked off to go drink some more.
While he was blackout drinking I would pack all of his belongings and put them in a storage unit and when he would come out of his stupor give him the location and key. This was to avoid the legal consequences of him still "living" in my house and requiring eviction process.
I would find a storage facility that takes cars too and put the key inside the storage unit as she is legally entitled to have her vehicle. I assume that she had her license suspended upon her arrest for DUI? If so I would tell the storage people to call law enforcement if she drives it out of there herself as she is a danger and menace to the community drunk driving.
I wish I could say I did this once... I actually did this same thing 4 separate times. After the 4th time of his relapsing and acting insane in black out binge drinking I never allowed him back in my home. That was 4 years ago... he has been drinking his way across the country since then.
I tell you that story because in the early days of our relationship I was positive that he would the exception to the rule... that he would be one of the few that made it. I came here to this site and for years did not listen to what I was told by men and women who had lived my same experience... I thought that many were just mean and lacked faith and love!
I was wrong. Love is not enough. The A must want sobriety more than their next breath...it has to be burning in them to do whatever it takes. My A could convince me when things were falling apart that he was in that place...but he never broke up with alcohol. Last week he called me wanting money because he was homeless in Arizona and it was 114 degrees outside. He was in the hospital because his kidneys had failed and they were going to discharge him.
If I sent him money he would buy alcohol with it. I said no... and its hard to see someone killing themselves. Two weeks ago he was driving a cab drunk and it is by the grace of God that he didn't kill anyone. And thank God that your A didn't hurt an innocent either in drunk driving incident.
Please take care of you and do not feel guilty for setting boundaries as they have the chance to help your A find her own way out of her addiction.
I also set firm boundaries that active drinking would not be tolerated for one second in my home. I would remove him as you did to avoid embarrassment in our neighborhood and take him to a detox where he usually walked off to go drink some more.
While he was blackout drinking I would pack all of his belongings and put them in a storage unit and when he would come out of his stupor give him the location and key. This was to avoid the legal consequences of him still "living" in my house and requiring eviction process.
I would find a storage facility that takes cars too and put the key inside the storage unit as she is legally entitled to have her vehicle. I assume that she had her license suspended upon her arrest for DUI? If so I would tell the storage people to call law enforcement if she drives it out of there herself as she is a danger and menace to the community drunk driving.
I wish I could say I did this once... I actually did this same thing 4 separate times. After the 4th time of his relapsing and acting insane in black out binge drinking I never allowed him back in my home. That was 4 years ago... he has been drinking his way across the country since then.
I tell you that story because in the early days of our relationship I was positive that he would the exception to the rule... that he would be one of the few that made it. I came here to this site and for years did not listen to what I was told by men and women who had lived my same experience... I thought that many were just mean and lacked faith and love!
I was wrong. Love is not enough. The A must want sobriety more than their next breath...it has to be burning in them to do whatever it takes. My A could convince me when things were falling apart that he was in that place...but he never broke up with alcohol. Last week he called me wanting money because he was homeless in Arizona and it was 114 degrees outside. He was in the hospital because his kidneys had failed and they were going to discharge him.
If I sent him money he would buy alcohol with it. I said no... and its hard to see someone killing themselves. Two weeks ago he was driving a cab drunk and it is by the grace of God that he didn't kill anyone. And thank God that your A didn't hurt an innocent either in drunk driving incident.
Please take care of you and do not feel guilty for setting boundaries as they have the chance to help your A find her own way out of her addiction.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Sending you ((HUGS))) and support. I know none of this is easy. Good for you for sticking to your boundary. It gets easier and easier - and eventually, so easy that you'll sleep well, be able to eat right, and keep stress low no matter what she's up to.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hard to hear this I'm sure...if you can, take even a few minutes away from everything today (mentally, that is). Go for a walk, have lunch with a friend, get a little sun, go to the batting range and smack some baseballs...smell the air and remember that in some way, everything WILL be okay for you over time. You don't know the path or the timing, but things will work out for you if you keep moving forward.
Sometimes we get so busy chasing crazy that we forget to look out the window at the world beyond. Take a minute to remember what life was like a year ago, three years ago...and remember that THAT is what life is. Don't accept current status quo--or slightly improved status quo-- as good enough. Put that in your mind and don't feel guilty for thinking it.
I struggled with "abandoning" XAH when he needed me, and he was good at adding to that feeling to make me think I needed to do more. What I didn't see at the time was that he repeatedly abandoned me emotionally. I wasn't first in his life--alcohol always ranked above me. I couldn't ever be his priority as long as he chose alcohol. They call it a mistress for a reason. He never changed. (Well, until he added more mistresses, lol. Not exactly the change I was hoping for!)
You deserve to be number one. As things develop, please know that in your heart. It's okay to want and need that--to require it of her, and if she's not willing or able in a reasonable amount of time, to step back kindly. Just in case it's lurking there, please don't let guilt in if it creeps up on you when you have fleeting feelings of delaying or stepping back.
I spent 20 years as the "second" with XAH. I found I ended up making me "second" too. It hurts and nobody wins. And it was all my choice.
You've got a lot ahead of you whichever way things go. I just want you to know without a doubt that taking moments, days, or a lifetime for YOU is okay. And you're still a good guy.
Sending prayers and hugs to you today. I know how deeply disappointed you must be feeling. Things may still work out, but I can tell you--you will KNOW it if you see it.
Sometimes we get so busy chasing crazy that we forget to look out the window at the world beyond. Take a minute to remember what life was like a year ago, three years ago...and remember that THAT is what life is. Don't accept current status quo--or slightly improved status quo-- as good enough. Put that in your mind and don't feel guilty for thinking it.
I struggled with "abandoning" XAH when he needed me, and he was good at adding to that feeling to make me think I needed to do more. What I didn't see at the time was that he repeatedly abandoned me emotionally. I wasn't first in his life--alcohol always ranked above me. I couldn't ever be his priority as long as he chose alcohol. They call it a mistress for a reason. He never changed. (Well, until he added more mistresses, lol. Not exactly the change I was hoping for!)
You deserve to be number one. As things develop, please know that in your heart. It's okay to want and need that--to require it of her, and if she's not willing or able in a reasonable amount of time, to step back kindly. Just in case it's lurking there, please don't let guilt in if it creeps up on you when you have fleeting feelings of delaying or stepping back.
I spent 20 years as the "second" with XAH. I found I ended up making me "second" too. It hurts and nobody wins. And it was all my choice.
You've got a lot ahead of you whichever way things go. I just want you to know without a doubt that taking moments, days, or a lifetime for YOU is okay. And you're still a good guy.
Sending prayers and hugs to you today. I know how deeply disappointed you must be feeling. Things may still work out, but I can tell you--you will KNOW it if you see it.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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I'm not sure how much longer I should pay for her lodging. Instead of sleeping it off she is probably drinking in the hotel bar. I'm guessing If she does have to serve hard time than she will be wishing she was back in rehab.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Yeah, you might have one hell of a bar bill--hotel booze isn't cheap. Now that I travel for work, I'm often grateful (from a financial standpoint) to be sober.
I predict that this woman will continue to be a financial and emotional drain on you as long as she is under your roof. I know you love her, and you don't have to walk away forever (or at least you don't have to make that decision right now), but given the fact that she is rejecting all offered help, do you really want to keep providing for her so she can continue to endanger herself, the public, and you?
I predict that this woman will continue to be a financial and emotional drain on you as long as she is under your roof. I know you love her, and you don't have to walk away forever (or at least you don't have to make that decision right now), but given the fact that she is rejecting all offered help, do you really want to keep providing for her so she can continue to endanger herself, the public, and you?
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Refin, next month is another court date. Lex, yeah I am sure she at least racked up a $50 bar tab. Do I give her the keys to her Honda prelude? I suspect she may drink and drive again but the car is in her name. It's sad but I don't think she learned her lesson.
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i know for travel you can limit allowable charges, but that does not stop her from drinking OR charging it to the room. i'd say her hotel time is up.....i mean it's your money, but you are really just paying for her to have somewhere ELSE to drink.
and no, she's is not getting it. AT ALL. regarding the car keys....dang that is tough......the car is HER property. i guess you could say you "found" them and take them to the police station and she could pick them up there???
i'm not sure i recall how long you two have been together. it could be that she is just finally showing her true colors.......
and no, she's is not getting it. AT ALL. regarding the car keys....dang that is tough......the car is HER property. i guess you could say you "found" them and take them to the police station and she could pick them up there???
i'm not sure i recall how long you two have been together. it could be that she is just finally showing her true colors.......
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Anvil, we've been together a little more than a year. I may have to call off the wedding. I think I will tell her she can come home. She's probably sipping margaritas at the hotel pool right now. I always thought that a alcoholic had to look like Nick cage in leaving las Vegas. That idea is not always true.
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Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80 
Refin, next month is another court date. Lex, yeah I am sure she at least racked up a $50 bar tab. Do I give her the keys to her Honda prelude?.
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Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80
Anvil, we've been together a little more than a year. I may have to call off the wedding. I think I will tell her she can come home. She's probably sipping margaritas at the hotel pool right now. I always thought that a alcoholic had to look like Nick cage in leaving las Vegas. That idea is not always true.
What is your plan for the next time she drinks? I mean, this approach of sending her off with your $$$ isn't going to help her.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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The car belongs to her. I'd give her the keys if she appears to be in condition to drive. If not, quite frankly, I'd tell her she has the right to call the police and complain that you won't give her the keys OR she can come get them when she is sober. I tend to doubt she's going to want to call the cops to complain if she's inebriated, and if she does, well, I'd say that's her problem. Alternatively, you could drop off the keys to her lawyer and let him deal with his recalcitrant client. He should know what's up with her, anyway--for both of their sakes.
ETA--whatever you do will be a temporary solution. As long as she is living there this will be a constant dilemma. I'd strongly suggest, though, that if you have KNOWLEDGE she is driving drunk, call the cops and let them stop her. And don't get into a physical struggle to prevent her from driving. That's likely to land YOU in legal hot water. You don't have to give her the keys if she's not fit to drive, but you don't have the right to physically restrain her if she has them and tries to leave in the car.
ETA--whatever you do will be a temporary solution. As long as she is living there this will be a constant dilemma. I'd strongly suggest, though, that if you have KNOWLEDGE she is driving drunk, call the cops and let them stop her. And don't get into a physical struggle to prevent her from driving. That's likely to land YOU in legal hot water. You don't have to give her the keys if she's not fit to drive, but you don't have the right to physically restrain her if she has them and tries to leave in the car.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
The car belongs to her. I'd give her the keys if she appears to be in condition to drive.
IHA, I would highly recommend that you call the police and/or a lawyer and ask them for advice as to whether you are legally safe in giving her the keys to her car. It may be necessary for a friend/family member to drive her car away for her.
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Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80
Refin, next month is another court date. Lex, yeah I am sure she at least racked up a $50 bar tab. Do I give her the keys to her Honda prelude? I suspect she may drink and drive again but the car is in her name. It's sad but I don't think she learned her lesson.
Her license was surely suspended if not revoked?. If she drives she is breaking the law. Id remind her of this when she is sober. If I was in your position, I would call the police if I knew she was driving drunk for her own safety and that of others.
Im also confused? She was working full time, and Im assuming she has savings, credit cards? Not sure why you have to pay for the hotel and stuff. Just curious.
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