Help Me Understand...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Help Me Understand...
It's been a few months since I've been on here and a lot of things have happened and I could really use some insight so I can move forward.
Earlier this month, my divorce was finalized from my AH. We have two young children together that I care for, he has only seen them once in the last week and a half.
While we were married he was either on pills, heroin, attending rehab or up to no good. The last straw came when he had an affair with someone he met from NA. That lasted a few months and now he is with someone that he knew from HS. It's like he never looked back and has no remorse for treating me like crap the last four years. I feel so USED and beat down.
He and his mother came over earlier this week to take the kids for dinner and not only did he not make eye contact with me, he didn't even say a word. Really??? He was the one that has the affair and wanted a divorce. My mom thinks he has anti-personality disorder which im not a Dr. but I'm sure he has mental problems.
Now that we are divorced, im trying to move forward and heal at the same time. My friends and family say don't take things personally, it's him not me but how can I not take things personally? He threw our family in the trash.
One last thing...im not sure if he is using now but he has had a drug problem off and on throughout his adult life.
Please help me if you can, any insight, thoughts, perspectives would be wonderful. Thank you all!!
Fate
Earlier this month, my divorce was finalized from my AH. We have two young children together that I care for, he has only seen them once in the last week and a half.
While we were married he was either on pills, heroin, attending rehab or up to no good. The last straw came when he had an affair with someone he met from NA. That lasted a few months and now he is with someone that he knew from HS. It's like he never looked back and has no remorse for treating me like crap the last four years. I feel so USED and beat down.
He and his mother came over earlier this week to take the kids for dinner and not only did he not make eye contact with me, he didn't even say a word. Really??? He was the one that has the affair and wanted a divorce. My mom thinks he has anti-personality disorder which im not a Dr. but I'm sure he has mental problems.
Now that we are divorced, im trying to move forward and heal at the same time. My friends and family say don't take things personally, it's him not me but how can I not take things personally? He threw our family in the trash.
One last thing...im not sure if he is using now but he has had a drug problem off and on throughout his adult life.
Please help me if you can, any insight, thoughts, perspectives would be wonderful. Thank you all!!
Fate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Even though we are divorced, we still have kids together so we will have to communicate at some point.
I can heal alot easier when I can understand things. And, I have always had a hard time understanding addiction.
I can heal alot easier when I can understand things. And, I have always had a hard time understanding addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, I'm divorced. I can tell you that I didn't understand him when we were married and our communication didn't improve when we divorced.
That is the finality of divorce. I will never understand, I will never get an explanation, and I had to accept that as being my answer.
That is the finality of divorce. I will never understand, I will never get an explanation, and I had to accept that as being my answer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
It was explained to me that when one
person in the family is sick with an
addiction then that affects the entire
family in some way or another.
It would take the entire family to
seek a recovery program designed
for each so everyone can be taught
about addiction and receive lots
of healthy tools to use in their lives
to form a healthy happy family unit.
I was the one in my little family unit
of 4 that went into rehab and got into
recovery to learn to live life each day
without drinking. The remaining 3 in
my family had no addiction problems
and chose to not seek a recovery program,
except my husband went to alanon a few
times to pick up the word detachment.
The little family unit struggled with
communication and understanding
about addiction and thus ended our
25 yr marriage.
Take care of you and you little one
so that you both can live a healthy
happy life down the road, and, like
I learned to do, I placed people, places
or things I cant control into my HP -
Higher Powers hands for safe keeping.
That way I can let go of resentments
that if carried would have keep me
sick and take those heavy burden off
my shoulders to move forward in my
own life and live healthy happy and
honest in all my affairs.
You can too.
person in the family is sick with an
addiction then that affects the entire
family in some way or another.
It would take the entire family to
seek a recovery program designed
for each so everyone can be taught
about addiction and receive lots
of healthy tools to use in their lives
to form a healthy happy family unit.
I was the one in my little family unit
of 4 that went into rehab and got into
recovery to learn to live life each day
without drinking. The remaining 3 in
my family had no addiction problems
and chose to not seek a recovery program,
except my husband went to alanon a few
times to pick up the word detachment.
The little family unit struggled with
communication and understanding
about addiction and thus ended our
25 yr marriage.
Take care of you and you little one
so that you both can live a healthy
happy life down the road, and, like
I learned to do, I placed people, places
or things I cant control into my HP -
Higher Powers hands for safe keeping.
That way I can let go of resentments
that if carried would have keep me
sick and take those heavy burden off
my shoulders to move forward in my
own life and live healthy happy and
honest in all my affairs.
You can too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you haven't been divorced very long....few weeks. i'd give things time...and give both of you time to adjust to being divorced. it took my first ex and i a couple years to sort things out and start being truly civil co-parents. there might not be any real deeper meaning here.
you are divorced now. remember that. things went bad and you ended the marriage. and he is no longer your problem, except in his sober status when visiting with the child.
you are divorced now. remember that. things went bad and you ended the marriage. and he is no longer your problem, except in his sober status when visiting with the child.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Suwanee, Ga
Posts: 31
I read some of the responses; I think it is easily forgotten that people' s situations and experiences although are similar are still uniquely different and everyone's relationship is unique as well. To simply say " you are divorced, why are you still trying to figure it out?" is like telling someone that "your house burned down; don't worry about how." It is normal and very acceptable to want to understand why he is able to move on; discard a family so easily, and never look back. I think there needs to be more sensitivity to people's situations and if all you can say is why are you worried about it now, you are divorced then maybe not saying anything may be better? I don't know. I just felt that one of the replies was a little insensitive;
You are grieving. Bargaining is a stage of grief; that means asking the questions and trying to understand.
I was referring to one of the replies to this post..
You are grieving. Bargaining is a stage of grief; that means asking the questions and trying to understand.
I was referring to one of the replies to this post..
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Fate2012......this site offers you a unique opportunity to get a "crash course" in addictions and alcoholism, in particular. Knowledge is power.
Read, especially, the postings at the top of the p age---called "stickies".
start with the ones called "classic readings".
With the history that you give about your ex husband----to expect any normal healthy behaviors at this point in time is extrememly unrealistic, in my opinion.
You do NEED to know what you are up against.
Do the studying and......I highly suggest that you think about joining Alanon as a support for yourself....
These, in my opinion are the first baby steps toward removing yourself from the ravages of addiction.......(especially for your child).....
dandylion
Read, especially, the postings at the top of the p age---called "stickies".
start with the ones called "classic readings".
With the history that you give about your ex husband----to expect any normal healthy behaviors at this point in time is extrememly unrealistic, in my opinion.
You do NEED to know what you are up against.
Do the studying and......I highly suggest that you think about joining Alanon as a support for yourself....
These, in my opinion are the first baby steps toward removing yourself from the ravages of addiction.......(especially for your child).....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know... even though addicts are individuals with individual differences, this is something I've seen over and over again including with my ex: Many of them seem completely and utterly unable to be alone while in active addiction. My ex remained single as long as he was in rehab, but the second he started drinking -- BAM! there was a new girlfriend. For him, I think it was partly a matter of not wanting to be alone, partly a matter of "showing me" that he could attract other women, meaning that I was wrong to have divorced him, partly a matter of proving to himself that he was worth something.
When you've been married for a long time, it takes time to divorce emotionally even after the legal stuff is done. I'm five years out from my divorce and have gotten to the point where it's rare that I even think of my ex anymore. But I didn't just arrive at that by letting time pass. It took therapy and Al-Anon and a lot of work to let go of the dysfunction.
Give yourself time. Find support. And remember that whatever HE chooses to do doesn't say a damn thing about YOU. Only about HIM. (((hugs)))
When you've been married for a long time, it takes time to divorce emotionally even after the legal stuff is done. I'm five years out from my divorce and have gotten to the point where it's rare that I even think of my ex anymore. But I didn't just arrive at that by letting time pass. It took therapy and Al-Anon and a lot of work to let go of the dysfunction.
Give yourself time. Find support. And remember that whatever HE chooses to do doesn't say a damn thing about YOU. Only about HIM. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by abitconfused 
I read some of the responses; I think it is easily forgotten that people' s situations and experiences although are similar are still uniquely different and everyone's relationship is unique as well. To simply say " is like telling someone that "your house burned down; don't worry about how." It is normal and very acceptable to want to understand why he is able to move you are divorced, why are you still trying to figure it out?" on; discard a family so easily, and never look back. I think there needs to be more sensitivity to people's situations and if all you can say is why are you worried about it now, you are divorced then maybe not saying anything may be better? I don't know. I just felt that one of the replies was a little insensitive;
You are grieving. Bargaining is a stage of grief; that means asking the questions and trying to understand.
I was referring to one of the replies to this post..
You are grieving. Bargaining is a stage of grief; that means asking the questions and trying to understand.
I was referring to one of the replies to this post..
Also, I didn't say why are you trying to figure it out - I said why are you trying to figure HIM out.
When I ended my marriage, of course I was upset and wished I knew the reasons why he did what he did, but I also knew - even at the time - that I wouldn't be getting any answers and that I had to go on with my life in the best way I could without those answers. He didn't talk to me honestly when we were married and I sure as heck wasn't going to get the truth when we had split. No one else was in the marriage, so no one else could answer my questions either.
I set out to make myself happy. I didn't get attached to what he was doing, who he was with, what his finances and drugs were doing. I had no control over that. I did have control over my finances and my happiness and my hobbies and friends and family.
It made no sense to me then nor now to wonder why when there was so much to be done to have a happy life. It was done. He blew it up, I kicked him out. We got divorced. I did all my grieving before the divorce was final. That was the only time I might have had any hope.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Fate,
Are you in counseling? Did you ever read Codependent No More? Al Anon is definitely worth trying.
I found a lot of truths focusing on my own half of the marriage and my family of origin. You will find answers on your own side if the street.
I'm sorry you were so abused and abandoned.
Are you in counseling? Did you ever read Codependent No More? Al Anon is definitely worth trying.
I found a lot of truths focusing on my own half of the marriage and my family of origin. You will find answers on your own side if the street.
I'm sorry you were so abused and abandoned.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Fate2012. Like Anvil mentioned, it took well quite a while for things to shake out on the divorce and custody issues between AXH and I. In our case, it didn't result in even a semi-civil co-parenting, but it leveled out. And I know it took me almost that long to get used to how the visitation schedule affected our routines. A lot had to be revised and re-set. It most definitely wasn't a fun time.
For your ex to have only seen his children once in a week and a half, might not be an issue to take up at this time. I guess it depends on the custody and visitation arrangements, and even then, this early in the game, I'd recommend just keeping track of / documenting any no shows or non-compliance with the schedule. Hoping or expecting that he'll step up for more time, or to be a more involved parent could be just setting yourself up for a really rough time, especially if he wasn't reliable before the divorce. (Guess how I know that.)
I know it's so hard to not take things personally. It's personal on _our_ side, definitely. But not necessarily on his side. AXH was abusive as well as an alcoholic/addict. The way he treated me both before and after the divorce felt INCREDIBLY personal. But it's him. He'll do that same pattern no matter who the partner in the dance is. It's just what he's going to do. I was just in the line. What helped me understand that was simply trying to step back from everything that was going on and remind myself repeatedly, "*This* is just how he is. He's going to use/drink regardless. He's going to act *this* way because he wants to, and he'll do it whether I'm emotionally tangled up in it all or not."
I really wanted to make sense of what he did. I wanted to know _why_ he did the things he did. And, like you, I thought that understanding that was needed to heal. It's not, really. I've healed a great deal without understanding how he could do the things he does and act like it's nothing. I still have work to do, yes, but I'm so much better now than when we were still together.
Deep breath, Fate2012. Give yourself time and remember to take care of yourself through all of this.
For your ex to have only seen his children once in a week and a half, might not be an issue to take up at this time. I guess it depends on the custody and visitation arrangements, and even then, this early in the game, I'd recommend just keeping track of / documenting any no shows or non-compliance with the schedule. Hoping or expecting that he'll step up for more time, or to be a more involved parent could be just setting yourself up for a really rough time, especially if he wasn't reliable before the divorce. (Guess how I know that.)
I know it's so hard to not take things personally. It's personal on _our_ side, definitely. But not necessarily on his side. AXH was abusive as well as an alcoholic/addict. The way he treated me both before and after the divorce felt INCREDIBLY personal. But it's him. He'll do that same pattern no matter who the partner in the dance is. It's just what he's going to do. I was just in the line. What helped me understand that was simply trying to step back from everything that was going on and remind myself repeatedly, "*This* is just how he is. He's going to use/drink regardless. He's going to act *this* way because he wants to, and he'll do it whether I'm emotionally tangled up in it all or not."
I really wanted to make sense of what he did. I wanted to know _why_ he did the things he did. And, like you, I thought that understanding that was needed to heal. It's not, really. I've healed a great deal without understanding how he could do the things he does and act like it's nothing. I still have work to do, yes, but I'm so much better now than when we were still together.
Deep breath, Fate2012. Give yourself time and remember to take care of yourself through all of this.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
This will definitely take time. He may be feeling guilty, but don't count on it. the problem with addicts is that they don't feel and process emotions or even reality like non addicts. Rabid dogs don't feel guilt when they attack and neither do active addicts. If you suspect that he is using or drinking when he comes to see the kids, you have every right to stipulate he take a breathalyzer or drug test before he takes them.
In the meantime, give yourself a gift and get help for yourself. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make sanity out of insanity. Addiction, mental illness, just being an ass clown, whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore. You have to build a healthy life for you and the kids. You will take it personal for a long time. But do you think that the woman he had an affair with are any better than you in his eyes? No, they aren't. They are the new drug. Once the high wares off they are tossed aside too. He will continue like this til his dying day unless he chooses to stop. Keep ur chin up, brighter days ahead!
In the meantime, give yourself a gift and get help for yourself. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make sanity out of insanity. Addiction, mental illness, just being an ass clown, whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore. You have to build a healthy life for you and the kids. You will take it personal for a long time. But do you think that the woman he had an affair with are any better than you in his eyes? No, they aren't. They are the new drug. Once the high wares off they are tossed aside too. He will continue like this til his dying day unless he chooses to stop. Keep ur chin up, brighter days ahead!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
This will definitely take time. He may be feeling guilty, but don't count on it. the problem with addicts is that they don't feel and process emotions or even reality like non addicts. Rabid dogs don't feel guilt when they attack and neither do active addicts. If you suspect that he is using or drinking when he comes to see the kids, you have every right to stipulate he take a breathalyzer or drug test before he takes them.
In the meantime, give yourself a gift and get help for yourself. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make sanity out of insanity. Addiction, mental illness, just being an ass clown, whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore. You have to build a healthy life for you and the kids. You will take it personal for a long time. But do you think that the woman he had an affair with are any better than you in his eyes? No, they aren't. They are the new drug. Once the high wares off they are tossed aside too. He will continue like this til his dying day unless he chooses to stop. Keep ur chin up, brighter days ahead!
In the meantime, give yourself a gift and get help for yourself. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make sanity out of insanity. Addiction, mental illness, just being an ass clown, whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore. You have to build a healthy life for you and the kids. You will take it personal for a long time. But do you think that the woman he had an affair with are any better than you in his eyes? No, they aren't. They are the new drug. Once the high wares off they are tossed aside too. He will continue like this til his dying day unless he chooses to stop. Keep ur chin up, brighter days ahead!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
You aren't alone in wanting to know why he did what he did. The thing is you won't get over this until you understand why you did what you did. Why marry a man who was an addict? Why have two kids in four years with an addict?
Even in a healthy relationship having two children within the first four years of a marriage is stressful. You did it with an addict. Some people think that simply paying child support is taking care of their kids and spending meaningful time with them just isn't important. I have known lots of non addicts who serial cheat or otherwise have someone waiting in the wings before they end a current relationship. It's just the kind of person they are.
The best thing you can do is get yourself mentally healthy so you don't do this again and so your children don't grow up to do the same.
Even in a healthy relationship having two children within the first four years of a marriage is stressful. You did it with an addict. Some people think that simply paying child support is taking care of their kids and spending meaningful time with them just isn't important. I have known lots of non addicts who serial cheat or otherwise have someone waiting in the wings before they end a current relationship. It's just the kind of person they are.
The best thing you can do is get yourself mentally healthy so you don't do this again and so your children don't grow up to do the same.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Thank you all for your help. I guess time will heal all wounds. I am concerned about him with our kids since he thinks it's ok to drink b/c he had a problem with heroin/pills not alcohol.
I know I deserve much better than that. My kids need to be safe and right now I am the only stable parent.
I have read Codependent No More but I will re-read it.
I'm not able to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon since I am a single parent but I do go online to those meetings when possible.
I know I deserve much better than that. My kids need to be safe and right now I am the only stable parent.
I have read Codependent No More but I will re-read it.
I'm not able to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon since I am a single parent but I do go online to those meetings when possible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Lighter-He is a jerk, that is a given. One thing I never mentioned is that his mother is his enabler. Every time he gets in trouble with the law, she bails him out. She has spent over $20k in the last few years on legal expenses. She gives him money for gas, dip and entertainment. She pays for child support for his daughter he had in a previous relationship. His mom doesn't have a whole lot of money but she still helps him. She takes money out of her retirement fund.
When he went this last weekend to go visit his new girlfriend, guess who gave him money for gas to drive 4-5 hrs away. It's really crappy that he would do this to her, but he does.
He won't get a job and blames his criminal record for being unable to find one. However, when I gave him a list of companies that hire felons he never actively looked for employment.
The mother of his first child is taking him to court to remove all visitations. She thinks that between the divorce and that if he is not using this will make him use again. Maybe he won't care.
I just have to watch out for the safety of my kids.
Oh and one last thing, due to all of his tickets/warrants he doesn't have a DL, insurance or current vehicle registration. What a mess!
When he went this last weekend to go visit his new girlfriend, guess who gave him money for gas to drive 4-5 hrs away. It's really crappy that he would do this to her, but he does.
He won't get a job and blames his criminal record for being unable to find one. However, when I gave him a list of companies that hire felons he never actively looked for employment.
The mother of his first child is taking him to court to remove all visitations. She thinks that between the divorce and that if he is not using this will make him use again. Maybe he won't care.
I just have to watch out for the safety of my kids.
Oh and one last thing, due to all of his tickets/warrants he doesn't have a DL, insurance or current vehicle registration. What a mess!
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