PuzzledinTX

If you've reached a point where you've realized you just may need to cut your losses and move on, what's the best way to start planning for your relocation without making choices that are too hasty in anger? I realize the short answer is not to make any choices while angry. However, I made one hasty move in the past due to having to cut ties with an A family member and I'm not looking forward to repeating the experience. (There were no intimate partners involved either time, so at least there won't be the extra "drama" added). Are there any other coping mechanisms ya'll recommend besides keeping up with Al-Anon?

amy55

OK, how's this? How is your money situation? What jobs can you apply for? Can you afford the rent there or buy a house there?

Don't jump into anything that you cannot afford right now.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, sounds like you want a plan before jumping.

I think you are terrific and you have a lot going on for you.

Pulling for you here.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

lillamy

If you can afford it, find a place to live before packing your bags and moving out.

For me, staying in the house was not an option -- too many bad memories -- but I left arse over teakettle in the middle of the night and ended up staying with friends for two weeks before I could find a place to live. I don't recommend that -- it was great at the time but it also ruined the friendship in the long run.

I think there's a stickied post about things to think of -- things like "make sure you have copies of all important papers" etc -- let me see if I can find it.

Here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html

Lots of advice, both practical and emotional. Good luck with your planning!

PuzzledinTX

@Amy - Unfortunately, my budget only allows for staying put, at least for the time being. Until the oil boom settles down, housing's going to stay high here. I think I can deal in the meantime as long as I enforce my own boundaries. One thing I will do is make sure I'm consistent with meetings - that's really been the thing that's kept me from losing it.

@Lillamamy - I totally understand, and know how bad arse over teakettle moves are (which describes my last long distance move perfectly). In a moment of rationalization, I realized that moving in with a friend under such circumstances could injure the friendship. I'll definitely make sure my ducks are in a row.

lillamy

So here's what I didn't say -- but will now, just as an FYI and your situation might be completely different (I sure hope so):

I had planned everything out, but as I became more detached and relaxed as the time for leaving drew closer, AXH noticed that something had changed and stepped up his control and anger and abuse. I've since heard that this is not unusual -- you may think that you're not changing your behavior, but you are, and they notice, and panic. My ex had never been physically abusive, but one night out of nowhere he threatened the family with murder-suicide and I ran for my life with the kids and the clothes on our back. I would never in a million years have guessed that he could get to that point. It came out of thin air for me (although afterwards, I've learned that all the signs of emotional/verbal/sexual abuse turning into physical abuse were there; I just didn't recognize them).

So just as a warning and an FYI -- if your partner is not aware that you're planning on leaving, you may still signal that something's changed and that might unsettle the A.

As for coping mechanisms after leaving -- therapy, Al-Anon, and SR. I also reveled in being able to have friends again, and doing things the A would try to stop while I was married. For me, the positives outweighed the negatives of leaving by an order of magnitude. I didn't need to cope with the loss of my marriage (I think I had grieved that long before I actually physically left); I just needed help understanding what had happened.

healthyagain

A lot of planning depends on whether there is abuse or not. If you are allowed to enforce your boundaries, or if your boundaries make him treat you worse. In my case, really bad things came with detachment, as in "You can sit and drink, and do whatever you want, but I have right to do as I please." And all this meant was, I do not sleep with you in the same bed, I do not cook for you, I have right to go out and walk the dog without reporting myself to you.

Well, in 6 months, things went to hell. I moved out 2-3 months earlier than planned due to unbearable emotional and verbal abuse. If I did anything hasty, it was because of fear. If you are allowed to enforce your boundaries, then it is a bit easier as you can plan in peace.

As for planning, finances are the most important thing and also financial independence. Separate your finances ASAP if not already, and start saving. After a few months, you will be able to see what's at your disposal, and then you can plan the actual move. If there is any type of abuse, be very careful and try to act as "normal" as possible. Then when everything is ready, catapult yourself out. If you do have friends or family around, make sure to have a support network.