megsykreeg

So my hubby has not had a drink in over a week and gone to two meetings. We did have a really good talk last night where I feel like he finally opened up to me. It didn't start out well as he came home very angry and going off about how the friend that is sponsoring him is a clone of my dad and he doesn't know if he can trust him. I explained to him how much his anger concerned me. Then all of a sudden he asked me to come to his car with him. I went and lo and behold I find an opened full can of 22 oz beer. I was trying to not be furious as I tried to understand. He told me he brought me out there to show that to me and explain he was tempted to drink and did not. Has anyone ever heard of an alcoholic testing themselves by opening a drink and not drinking it? He wasn't drunk and he didn't smell of booze although his car did. We talked for over an hour about how hard it's been for him on a daily basis to not drink. I explained to him my concern and fears. How I saw him actually drinking coming bc of his behavior. He recognized that his biggest downfall is his anger. I suggested he talk to someone on a regular basis like a counselor. I told him I would go with him and support him in whatever area he needs without enabling him to drink. I explained that I cannot be the person he is accountable to as I will just turn into a nagging wife and I don't like to be that crazy lady searching the car, phone, credit cards, bank acct... etc. I will love him no matter what but if he drinks again, he will leave the house. He said when he opened the can of beer, he thought to himself "what is wrong with me that I would choose to mess up my life when I have a beautiful wife who loves me and is pregnant and a precious daughter who loves me. I cannot allow my children to know the alcoholic." We really both poured our hearts out. He did say to me I will never understand his desire to drink. I get that... I won't ever understand. Just like he'll never understand the pain of loving an alcoholic. The only thing we can both do is be the best versions of ourselves possible. If we are each doing the things we know we need to to stay on the right path... the road of recovery, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. We will be just fine. This morning he asked if I was mad at him about the opened undrinken beer can... I explained I wasn't happen and didn't understand but I wasn't angry. What does my anger accomplish anyways? I told him I thought that was a very bad idea and don't think he should do that again. Through it all though I do think he's getting on the road to recovery. I'm definitely learning a lot this time around. I learned a lot back in October about myself but like him, I really didn't change much. Now I'm changing. I'm changing how I react and how I allow his drinking to affect me. I'm learning to speak to him calmly and in love and not fly off the handle over every little thing. I'm learning to let the small things go... like the chewing tobacco and eating junk food. He knows it's not good for him and knows that I don't like it... I don't need to harp on it or nag him about it. I consider him not taking a drink each day a win and keep encouraging him to continue on the right path of recovery.

shil2587

It sounds to me like you handled it really well. You were supportive, honest and were careful not to accept the accountability role. Well done!

Are you soon anything for you? Sounds like you have been fighting this battle alone for a long time. If he is seeking recovery, you're about to watch an alcoholic try to deal with emotions and real life sober. It's rarely pretty and usually very difficult for loved ones to handle the mood swings that go with that.

Have you tried alanon? At the very least, I found getting new hobbies out of the house very helpful. Maybe you could take the kids swimming or something regularly, make some time for yourself and for them?

Best of luck to you!

megsykreeg

I have had difficulty getting to an al-anon meeting but do go to a moms group and get together with other moms once a week. I also occasional get a moms night out for a painting party which I'm going to tonight. I am in no way an artist but I enjoy learning to paint. I also work full time and am 16 1/2 wks pregnant and have an 18 month old. So I keep pretty busy a lot of the time. I have found seeking out time for me to enjoy something has been very important. This group has really help me be able to talk to people who understand and I've read a lot of the articles.

LemonGirl

Sounds like you're doing a really good job at detaching and letting him get a handle on his end of things. Your post is really positive.

LexieCat

He needs to be sharing the stuff he's dumping on you (like the open beer in the car) with his sponsor. It sounds to me (speaking as an alcoholic, myself) like he's setting both of you up for going back to drinking. I hope he decides to up his game because what he's doing right now is dancing right up to the edge.

Since he isn't going to meetings every night, is there any way you could switch off? He watches the kids while you go to YOUR meeting? Do you trust him alone with them? Has he ever been drunk when he's responsible for them?

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry to say I agree with Lexie--he's setting up a relapse, maybe not consciously, but that's what it looks like to this former alcoholic.
No meetings, no plan, nothing but tempting himself with a drink?
I think it is good to encourage and support, but what's he really "doing" on his side besides not drinking?

Talk is just that and no action, but an opened beer speaks volumes.

megsykreeg

He did go to two meetings this wk. I'm not sure I fully trust him to watch our daughter. It's a difficult place to be in.

maybear

I also agree that he needs to be talking to a counsellor or a sponsor about a lot of this.

His anger at the sponsor sounds like a bit of an excuse not to attend the meeting?

I also can see why you don't feel comfortable leaving your child alone with him. Posting here is a great link to support anyway.

Hawkeye13

Sorry I missed that he'd been to two meetings--
It is very difficult--I also had quite a lot of anger in the early days
of sobriety that I'd been pushing down so this is something that
may need specific therapy if it's an on-going issue.

It sounds like you could use some support and a break yourself megsy--
could anyone else watch you child for an hour or two so you can get to a meeting?

What about the on-line meetings I've seen people post about?

brightdaysahead

I haven't the depth of knowledge and experience compared to others on this forum, but I wanted to share my thoughts.

Yes. My husband did something similar to yours for two months. It was not a test though. It was more like an internal struggle/battle within himself: the constant, relentless 24/7 cravings and urges to drink versus the desire to do the right thing (abstain). On multiple occasions, he purchased beer, opened it and then poured it down the sink. Or, he would purchase beer and later toss it in a nearby trash can or dumpster. I, of course, was completely unaware of all this. But, he did relapse. The temptation was too strong. I stumbled upon liquor receipts one day and then I knew.

By the way, my husband is five months sober now. It took my discovery of the liquor receipts and the hurt look on my face to stop him cold. That was the start of his sobriety.

You've handled yourself well. I wish you the best and stay strong. By the way, my husband also wanted to be accountable only to me. Like you, I declined the job offer. It's no way to live your life. It's his recovery, and your husband knows what he needs to do to abstain.

Take care of yourself.

megsykreeg

Thanks all! Yeah he admitted today that the open beer can was a very bad idea and won't do it again. Because he knows that if he does eventually he will just drink it.

dandylion

megsy.....I understand that i n AA they strongly advise to stay away from people, places, and things that trigger the desire to drink in early recovery....

dandylion

LOL!......that would be like the equivalent of me placing a lovely chocolate cake in the middle of the coffee table while I am watching tv........OMG

dandylion

Recovering2

His showing you a can of beer to explain his situation is inappropriate. Sorry, but you are both very early in this, and that isn't right. You are not his counselor, sponsor, cop. If he is having this kind of struggle, he can find an AA meeting every day of the week. Those meetings, and his sponsor, is where he voices those concerns. If he isn't happy with his sponsor, then find someone who is a better fit. But it's not an excuse.

KristyCat

The open beer can is about control. Him being able to purchase alcohol, open it, and not consume it gives him an illusion of control and an ego boost.

So he'll think, "see? I can do this, so I must not be so bad!" It's a form of denial.

In reality, he is not in control. You mentioned he goes to meetings. They talk a lot about being powerless over the addiction. Coming to terms with this is such a hard reality to accept, at least it was for me.

I'm currently dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend and setting up healthy boundaries and detaching as well, and I'm pretty new at this so I wish I had more advice to offer on that :/ I'm just trying really hard not to let his drinking, lack of attention to me, etc. affect my ability to be happy. The only way I know how to do this is to get busy with my own life so I'm worried less about his.