Butterfly

My friend once said to me butterfly if he hadn't left you you would have kicked him out. I didn't believe her but she was adamant. She said to me you were realising life couldn't go on that way.

I always wondered why I was adamant the last time that he had to get help and why I didn't back down after he promised to go to the Drs (as I normally would have)?? Then I remembered the last time he came home drunk, he was aggressive, punching himself, looking at me with such anger it was a scary night and I had to call his mum and step dad. DD saw the whole thing she was scared thought he was going to head butt me and didn't know what to do or how to handle it. Neither of my kids have seen him like this, they may have heard but never seen it.

This was why I didn't back down from him getting help I wasn't going to put her or DS through that again. It's taken me a while to realise this and my friend may have been right I wouldn't have put up with it much longer. Who knows.

This memory has helped me in my recovery and I've become less focused on him and why how. I've actually been out quite a bit with friends, I pushing myself to go out even if I don't want to. I was at my friends birthday party and my cheeks were so sore from laughing, I honestly don't remember a time I felt so relaxed and free, it was great!!!!

I'm meeting my new friend for coffee tonight and I'm so nervous. I'm completely different to the girl he knew 16 years ago and I am freaking out a bit, what if he doesn't like me, he may reject me, then ex a was right!! I know I need to stop overthinking and just go and have some fun, I can't expect everyone to like me right!!

Thanks for listening.

maybear

Butterfly, I'm so happy to hear you doing so well. And getting out and about, even though it must feel scary.

Enjoy your night with your friend, don't stress! Whatever he thinks of you, it doesn't mean your ex is 'right and his opinion good or bad doesn't change anything. You are enough. More than enough.

Hugs!

Butterfly

Thanks maybear your right it's very scary starting to live and carve a new life for myself and even taking a risk. A few months ago I wouldn't have agreed to meet up with this old friend.

Hawkeye13

If he "rejects" you it doesn't prove anything your ex has said was right.

I think you should just have fun and no expectations.

It's great you are having fun with friends and laughing.
That's looks like recovery to me

redatlanta

Interesting. You know, no one likes to be "dumped". It sounds like you were done with him anyway when he left. ever occur to you that's why he did? Perhaps your husband saw/felt that you were at the end of your rope.

I think its entirely possible.

SparkleKitty

Butterfly it is most important right now that YOU like you. And it sounds like you are well on the way!

Butterfly

Thank you everyone.

Hawkeye I actually feel that I have taken that next step, I was in limbo for so long both feet in the past but dipping a toe in into the future every now and then but jumping back. Sitting in the past was familiar but while the future is scary Iit may also be fun. Your right no expectations.

Red looking back I think I was reaching that point with perspective and a clear head I have been thinking very clearly . I don't know if he knew , I've no idea what was going on in his head and recently I don't care.

Sparklekitty still working on liking me. That's a work in progress .

LemonGirl

I heard this great TedX Talk the other day.... the woman was saying how she used to sit and worry what others thought of her.... what did her date think of her... did he like her?

Later, after working on herself a bunch, she decided to just live in the moment and enjoy the experience.... and instead of worrying if "he liked her", she started worrying if SHE liked him. She said she started to pay attention to how the other person made her feel, and not the other way around.

Total eye opener for me! Thought maybe it would be appropriate here too :-). Have fun and good luck!

Butterfly

Thanks lemongirl that's fab I love it. Will definitely focus on that.

LexieCat

Sounding good, there, kiddo! Looks like you are starting to consider that there MIGHT be life after ol' whatsisname.

Butterfly

Yes Lexie but I fell back into old habits. The friend asked if we could rearrange as he has caught the bug that's been going round, he hasn't been well the past few days but assured me he would be grand for today, but I guess not. Of course I immediately thought he's changed his mind he's gotten to know me a bit and he doesn't like me. He texted to say he as really disappointed and of course both feet in I said here's me thinking you'd changed your mind. Immediately I knew I shouldn't have sent it and thought here we go now he's gonna know I'm a nutter. He texted back saying no he really wanted to see me and he was gonna drive round to collect me. Anyway I said no and was adamant. He will probably run now as I'm so freaking needy! And if he doesn't I will think it's because of what I said!!!

I felt insecure tonight and I sought reassurance when am I ever going to be able to not seek this to be able to validate myself??

Honestly 1 step forward 10 steps back

Hawkeye13

He won't be reading nearly as much in it as you are--
Trust me

All will be well

Butterfly

Probably not hawkeye lol. Honestly I'm my own worst nightmare!!

LexieCat

I agree. You're a bit hypersensitive right now. It's good to pay attention to what you say and do, but don't beat yourself up when you slip a little. We all do that. It's a process--be patient. Pro athletes don't go out and play perfectly when they are learning the game. You will get better as time goes on, trust me.

CarmenLove

:-)

searching peace

You are way to hard on yourself! Celebrate your victories! Like accepting the date. And I also think you being straight forward with him about what you were thinking is the opposite of what someone codependent would do. You have to come post and tell all of us, that are cheering for you, how it was. I hope it was exactly what you needed to push forward and be healthy!

Duckygirl1

Dear girl you are much braver than myself for even putting your shoes on for a date! Keep playing Cindy Lauper " Girls just wanna have fun" in your head and enjoy a drama less evening! You've earned it!

maybear

Butterfly, you don't need to be perfect.
You are being so super hard on yourself.
So you sent him a text you wish you hadn't. No need to beat yourself up. We all do stuff like that.
You are fine and I bet he thinks nothing of it.

Butterfly

Thank you all so much. I was/am being hard on myself. I had to come here and confess to my slip up lol. I felt so bad after talking to him last night honestly thought he will be thinking I'm a complete nutter. And your probably right he may not have thought anything about it. Guess I will wait to see if he wants to make another arrangement, I won't be asking him. I'm not playing a game just need to know if it's something he wants.

My fear of rejection has been very obvious this week and my anxiety has been through the roof. I've been practising my meditation to try and keep myself focused and calm.

Thank you for your encouragement and support