KASS

Hello, I'm new to this site and not sure where to start. I've been married for a year to a problem drinker/alcoholic. We've been together for 6 years. Within the first year of our relationship I noticed he drank quite a bit, but I stayed. I'm not much of a drinker.....mostly social. I could take it or leave it. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family and so does he. In 6 years, we've had several fights over his drinking......mostly when he has gotten VERY drunk, which fortunately doesn't happen often. He drinks beer daily and has started mixing in hard alcohol (jack & coke). I've known for quite a while that he hides his drinking. Stops at convenience store and buys 24oz beer, drinks it before he gets home. Then arrives at home and drinks a couple more and hopes I think he only had 2. Last night I witnessed him (he has no idea) pouring himself a glass of jack & coke and then he filled the jack bottle and coke bottle with water so I wouldn't notice the level had gone down. He quickly washed the glass and placed back in the cupboard before I came back into the house. In the past, he would make a drink and drink it fast while I'm in the shower and hide the evidence. However, I had no idea he was filling the bottle with water!!! I'm tired of him thinking he's pulling the wool over my eyes. I'm not stupid and its irritating that he thinks he's getting away with it. I've got so much resentment towards him. I've never been addicted to anything so its hard to understand the addiction. Its hard to be patient with it. I've cut him slack because he's never abusive, great husband and father, never misses work, doesn't drink during the day, doesn't go to bars and doesn't get "drunk" on a daily basis. He gets "drunk" rarely. On the weekend he may consume 4-5 beers plus a cocktail over a 6-8 hour period. I've been to al-anon, but wasn't able to relate to most of the people there because their stories were soooo much worse than mine. We have a lot of friends/family who maybe drink the same amount as my husband, but I don't think any of them are hiding, lying about it and pouring water into their booze bottles. This is where I get concerned.

I want to confront him with what I saw yesterday. I want him to know I'm not stupid and I know what he's doing, but I don't want it to end up in a big fight. He will tell me that he hides it because I get mad or nag at him for drinking.

What do I do???? I want to be effective and drive the point home that this is not okay. How do I trust someone in all other areas of our marriage and life, if he's lying about this?

LexieCat

He doesn't need your permission to drink. And hiding it--well, that's what alcoholics DO. I know I sure did. I had a very elaborate system, not unlike his, to conceal how much I was drinking. You can express your concern, but it sounds as if he has no intention of quitting. It WILL get worse over time, unless and until he is ready to stop. I know of no way to hurry that along.

It sounds to me as if you were comparing your life circumstances to other people in your Al-Anon meetings, rather than identifying with stories of anger, frustration, and helplessness in the face of a loved one's drinking.

There is no "effective" way to communicate that his drinking is a problem for you--if by "effective" you mean making him sit up, take notice, and quit drinking. It just doesn't work that way. He already KNOWS it's not OK with you--why do you think he's hiding it?

I'd suggest giving Al-Anon another try.

knowthetriggers

Hello and welcome -

I would suggest you read as much on this topic as possible. The book Codependent No More would be very helpful.

I also suggest that you go back to Alanon, with an open mind this time. My husband said the same thing about AA "I don't need them, their problems are not as bad as mine", yet he is still drinking and here I am on this forum. We all have different stories and backgrounds. That is what makes Alanon and other support groups so unique. You may not be as bad off as the others but you are all there for the same reason.

Alanon or some type of support group can make a HUGE difference in YOUR recovery.

SadInTX

My AH is also a "highly functioning" alcoholic...never misses work, spends times with the kids, attends family functions, doesn't go to the bars after work...so on and so on...(gee, let's give them a medal for that) but this all led up to a recent DUI...the alcoholic is in denial because he/she is scared to think that they will never be able to lean on their one friend...the one that makes them feel better...releases that anxiety for just a little bit...makes them forget their problems or worries...until it starts to create problems in their world...but they will still be in denial since they don't want to see those problems, so they turn it back to you....you are the reason that they drink....if you weren't complaining all the time we would be happy...denial...blame shifting...it is exhausting...all you can do is share with him how his drinking is affecting you and your family. He can't stop for you. he has to want to do it for himself. So sorry you are going through this...you are not alone...keep reading about alcoholism...

megsykreeg

Yes, he hides it because he knows it bothers you but that's also just an excuse alcoholics use. My husband has said the same thing. I would suggest possibly not keeping alcohol in the house anymore if you don't care about drinking. For me personally I've found that even though I enjoy an occasional glass of wine, the risk of my husband drinking is not worth it. I do not keep any alcohol in my house at all. That doesn't mean it will stop your husband from drinking but it could be a step. Without being confrontational, maybe talk to him about why he needs to recognize his drinking is a problem. He has to admit that for himself. Maybe take him through a list that asks questions about being an alcoholic. Maybe if he sees actual questions or things he's doing that he realizes he's an alcoholic he'll seek help. Admitting they have a problem is the first step and often the hardest.

LexieCat

No, it really is the actual reason. If he were living alone, or if there were no prospects of a negative reaction, there would be no REASON to hide it. I know I quit hiding it when I lived by myself.

And as far as keeping alcohol in the house, if it's his house, too, he has a right to keep alcohol there. YOU don't have to buy or drink around him (and since you're pregnant I doubt that's an issue) but you can't forbid him to have it in the house unless you're prepared to leave, yourself. He's an adult, it's legal, and that's just basically the way it is.

KASS

Thank you everyone for your input. It always helps knowing I'm not alone. I would like to give al-anon another try, but that means I have to lie about where I am. If I tell him, it would be a big fight. I know he has no intention of ever quitting. He loves alcohol. I also know that if he wasn't with me and he lived alone, his drinking would be much much worse. He had two DUIs when he was 18 & 19 yrs old. He is 45 now. Sometimes I wish he would get another DUI as a wake up call because I think he has to hit rock bottom before there is any chance of him quitting.

SadInTX

I totally get the "get another DUI" part...my AH stopped drinking after his DUI...but then 7 days later got drunk again...and actually drove that night too. He is once again sober for 3 days, but I know since he is not in recovery he will drink again. He is not going to AA or going to get any type of help...so I am making my plan B...looking at some more rental homes tomorrow...I understand about saying you would have to lie about Alanon...me too...it just isn't worth the fight right now...I will go get that face to face support once I am able to...for now I come here and it helps...the people here are fantastic. I have already learned so much.

BlueChair

Kass,

Im a little intrigued by the communication aspect of all this. When my husband was in treatment for his addiction, we did family counseling. Have you ever considered this?

Your husband is hiding the drinking, and by doing so he is also not facing up to why he needs to drink. Its usually more going on behind the scenes and its why people are encouraged to look for the root cause. Sure sometimes they just like it, but this is often an excuse, an easy way out to prevent deeper self inspection.

Its got to be undermining your relationship, these trust and communication issues. I think you alluded to this in your post.

Another option to consider if Smart Recovery. They have a lot of online support for family, online meetings also. They use behavioral approaches backed by science for us, and for people dealing with addictions.

One thing I like is there is an emphasis on our learning to care for ourselves, identify our needs, and learning to communicate with our spouse and stay engaged with them as much as possible. They combine their family program with Craft (community reinforcement and family training). This is what Ive been using and its helped me a lot. Again, its about learning about myself but also it teaches how to listen, communicate better with my husband, and its also considered a non confrontational intervention and studies show it can have very positive results for our loved ones too. There are some good books you also might read like Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Jeff Foote PhD.

My husband was high functioning too and hid his well. I didnt even know until he began to lose control. Its so much better to address the issues early and at least be up front with him and let him know you do know about the bottles, the water. His needing to do this is more than just about hiding it from you. And he can explore it safely with your support.

jezzebelle

Hi Kass, the bottom line is that only the drinker can decide when to stop. In the meantime, their non-alcoholic loved ones go crazy with waiting! I know, I waited more than half a lifetime for my drinking relative to stop. If your other half dislikes you going to Al-Anon, you could try a book of daily readings which allows you to focus on your well-being, not his. Never give up and miracles do happen! Jezzebelle

KASS

Smart Recovery sounds like something I need to check into. My husband is no where near ready to admit he has a problem so I doubt this is something he would be interested in, but I can still do the research.

I plan to talk with him and will do so without being combative or derogatory, but letting him know I that I know he is hiding his drinking and I'm concerned. Yes, this is leading to other issues in our marriage. I have built up so much resentment towards him that I've lost respect and sometimes I just don't like him or like being around him.

I feel like a captive because if I choose to not be around when he's drinking, then he will drink more and I stress about it. I stay home because he will drink less. So, if I have no life of my own and stay home or close by because I'm afraid of how much he will drink. Its pathetic. I had the same issue in my first marriage, but it was a different trust issue. I was afraid if I wasn't with him, he would cheat on me. So, I've never enjoyed a weekend with girlfriends or even a night out with friends. In the end, he did cheat on me and my 11 years of fear proved to be valid.

Thank you all for the support.

LexieCat

You can't babysit him 24/7. That's no way for you to live.

You don't have to make a big announcement that you are going to Al-Anon, but you don't have to hide it, either. Does he simply get angry, or do you fear actual abuse from him? If he just gets mad and put out about your going to Al-Anon, you could say that you are meeting friends (true) or you just tell him the truth and let him be mad. Al-Anon is not designed to help you make him stop drinking, it's simply a program to help you recover from the effects of living with it. There's no requirement that he be an alcoholic, just that someone else's drinking bothers you. That's it. It is no direct reflection on him, and it's just as anonymous as AA is.

hopeful4

Baby steps. When I was with my XAH, I usto do what you do. Stay home so he will not drink as much. I missed out on so much that way. Eventually I stopped doing that. Then I stopped covering for him. It was all baby steps.

Hugs to you. I know it's so hard. I will say that I doubt you know just how much he is drinking. If he is refilling bottles and taking nips, it's likely a lot more than you realize.

Take the time to do what you need for your own sanity. Going to meetings, whatever you need to do. Don't compare your situation, every person who reaches out is doing so because they need support.

Keep coming back, SR is a place of great support!

BlueChair

What a thing to go through with your first marriage. My husband cheated on me when he was in active addiction, but we have worked through it with counseling, and he has put out the effort to repair things or I couldnt have dealt with it. Im sorry because I know it hurts.

Yeah you dont want to feel like a captive. Its no good for you emotionally and again it would undermine the whole relationship eventually.

I think talking to some of the family through Smart might help you. They always stress self care, and learning how to let go of some of the stress we hold onto. Understanding the dynamics of things between us in a relationship. Who owns what so we take some of the responsibility and pressure off ourselves and hand it back over to our spouse in some cases.

And its true he could up his drinking but there has to be balance so your not ignoring your own needs. I think most of us dont reach out or complain until we feel a hurt or just a sense of this isnt right for me/us to live this way. But you know its good to have the awareness I think because it means there is a strong sense of self and desire for improvement in our lives.

KASS

No, there is no abuse. He would just be mad and there would be an argument. He thinks that if he isn't getting "drunk" then I shouldn't have a problem and I shouldn't need al-anon. He believes he is controlling it and only has a couple beers and maybe a cocktail per night. Obviously I know he's hiding some of his drinking also, but he has no idea that I know. If and when he limits it to just a couple beers, its not a big deal. However, I know for a fact he is hiding some of his drinking and now I've witnessed him adding water to the bottle of JD, so this is a huge issue for me.

LexieCat

It's really not his call where you go and what you do, though. This is what's so hard for most of us, initially, I think. We are so used to trying not to rock the boat that we lose our will to take care of our needs because we are so focused on keeping the peace at home.

One of the things you can learn is how to detach from his behavior (whether he appears "drunk" at the moment or not) and how to set good, healthy boundaries for yourself in terms of what you are or are not willing to tolerate. It's a process. Al-Anon can help, SR can help, I am not familiar with the SMART program for friends/family, so I can't speak to that. What's important is that you start taking SOME kind of action to let go of his actions or the need to try to control his drinking, and to put your focus on what's good for YOU.

knowthetriggers

Sounds to me that he will be angry with support groups period. I mean there are so many support groups to chose from outside of Alanon. They are all sorta kinda geared around the same thing. Recovery, for you, because his drinking bothers you.

He won't change until he is ready but the focus here is on you. What will you do to work on Your recovery?