johnno1

Ive left him me and 3 kids staying at family until I move in in 20days.
im ok but the guilt the guilt for my poor kids, they miss dad a wanna go back home, god i feel so so bad. I just want to be in the new house today 20 days feels so very far away. I just feel so bad and guilty for my kids. How the heck can I get through the next 20days . Thanks everyone 4 huge support xxxxxxxx

Duckygirl1

You'd feel worse if you left them exposed to living with an addict for the next 18 years. Never feel guilty about protecting your family from insanity!!!

LexieCat

Good for you! And good for your kids, too!

Not to minimize their pain, but remember kids don't like any kind of disruption, even when it's in their best interest. They will get through this, and so will you. Hug them a lot, tell them everything will be OK, even if it seems like a mess right now. You did the right thing. They will settle down when you do. Keep cool, vent here if you have to.

Hugs!!

honeypig

johnno, so glad you took that step and got out. Lexie is right in pointing out that it's short-term pain for long-term gain.

Don't know if you've seen this thread before, but it might be helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

You are doing great--keep on moving forward in your life, keep coming back here for support and to share your progress. You'll make it!

dandylion

johonno.....these days are going to fly by faster than you think.

Just take it "one day at a time".

The strength that we need always shows up just at the second that we need it. We are the most brave when that is the only option....lol..

The kiddies take their "cues" from the parent......if you keep it together and give the kids a good dose of attention.....they will do just fine.....

Congratulations on doing what you k new had to be done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

theuncertainty

Johnno1, I found that when I broke the time up up into pieces, it felt more do-able. So, it's not 20 days you need to look at, it's TODAY. If today is really hard, then just get through to lunch, or get through the next hour... You're going to be OK. You already are.

Will it help to know that kids don't see changes in necessarily the same light as we do? When I left AXH, DS and I moved from a 3 bedroom townhouse with a yard into a little 1 bedroom apartment surrounded by parking. At the end of the initial lease term, they jacked the rent up to a number I couldn't afford, so DS and I moved in with my sister. I was worried that DS would think it was horrible, we didn't even have our own place. (AXH was telling me that every chance he got -- all while not paying any child support I might add.) But it's not the way DS saw it at all. He loved it. He had more grown-ups to dote on him, his cousins to play with, a house with a huge yard that I could never have afforded on my own. I had more time with him, because the household duties were split 3 ways (my sister, her husband, and I).

After we'd been with my sister for a while, DS came up with this: "We've lived with Auntie M for a while. Now it's Uncle B's turn! Let's move to LA!"

He missed his Dad, but it wasn't a constant worry for him. And he was so much freer at Auntie M's: he didn't have to worry about being quiet because Dad was drunk or hung over, he could play, he could laugh and run around. He could be a kid.

You can do this.

dandylion

Junno.....theuncertaintly is absolutely right!! I would like to repeat her words loudly-----Kids do not necessarily see change through the same filter...the same eyes....as we do!
They tend to look at their lives in terms of predictable security in 24hr. time segments. "where are we going to sleep tonight....what are we going to do tomorrow? Are we going to get pizza tonight? Am I safe right now?

dandylion

FireSprite

((((Big Hugs, johnno!)))) I completely agree with everyone else - don't focus on it as a large chunk of time, just take it simple & slow. BABY STEPS. Tiny. Teeny, sometimes. Doesn't matter.

All you need to focus on is doing "the next right thing" & try to block out the rest of the background noise.

The only "advice" I would give you is to keep talking with your kids (can't remember how old they are though), keep communicating with them & giving them plenty of opportunity to talk with you if they need to.

When RAH & I 1st separated I also let DD's teacher know since she was obviously "off". (This was a very personal decision, not something I'm suggesting every parent needs to do for every kid.) I figured there was no point in delaying the inevitable & it was preferable to me that she was informed about what was happening at home before there were any problems in the classroom. Her teacher offered to keep a closer eye on her & make sure she had time with the guidance counselor if she needed it. DD seemed to do ok for the most part, but settling into a new routine & the emotional upheaval affected her in a lot of little ways for the first couple of months- her teacher found that she sometimes needed a little extra time to focus & make decisions or just benefitted from an extra pat on the shoulder when she walked by her desk. She was a really wonderful teacher & it was mildly embarrassing to start that conversation but ultimately DD's emotional needs were what I focused on to get over my own shame.

BEST of luck to you!!!!

johnno1

Thannks to you all yes one day at a time for sure. Im finding it so hard apprantly at nite when drinking hes calling up all sorts of people telling them how horrible of a wife ive been alot of it is very true I just hate how hes telling everyone. Its breaking me down thanks xxx

biminiblue

Well, if people are relaying that kind of information, tell them you don't want to hear about phone calls from him - that it is upsetting to you. Stay off facebook and other social media for a while, too. You don't need people sticking their nose in with that kind of chatter.

LexieCat

Yup. And I never heard anything that made you sound like a "horrible wife." It's very, very common for alcoholics and abusers to "spin" their story for friends so they can look like victims while you look like the bad guy. Anyone who buys that is not a real friend, and those who are real friends won't believe it.

lucybb

I'm finding too that my STBXAH is making himself look like the victim and telling all kinds of lies about me. Because I am not an A or a narcissist, I wonder if there is any truth to what he says about me and search myself for any flaws. But they are just lies - what he has you convinced are horrible behaviours, if you look at normal couples, would be considered normal behaviours or mistakes or quirks of personality. Living with an A makes it hard to see what normal is for other people. What he is doing is deflecting attention from his behaviour to you and trying to gain sympathy. My therapist told me today to keep repeating to myself that it is not about me, it is his disease talking and that eventually others will see his lies for what they are. This is a scary process and I can't wait until it is over. Sending you strength - and be glad that at least the process has finally begun. No more wishing and hoping and imagining that one day I will leave him - it is finally happening!