Kefka2099

I have alot to say and explain but to anyone willing to read and give an honest answer to me I greatly appreciate it.

I am 32 and my ex gf is 28. My ex gf and I were together for 6 months. We truly had an amazing relationship, the best I experienced in my life. We were completely open and honest with each other and told each other everything. I told her about my problems with depression and that I had suicide attempts, my issues with my drunk father who walked out on me when I was 13 and she told me about the things that happened with her father which were very bad and how he died a year ago and she was close to suicide and using sex(having it with guys she barely knew) the way I used alcohol (to numb emotions and pain). We both accepted each other for all the faults we had and did not judge each other's history at all.

I have read lots of stories on here about people who say they would not take back their ex but in all these stories I see people talking about alot of emotional abuse, mental abuse, and cheating. There was none of that in our relationship. She has severe self esteam issues and she had a very poor image of herself. I always told her I loved her and that she was the most beautiful girl and I meant it. I wanted to make her feel special because I love her.

The week before she left me I left an angry message on my deadbeat fathers phone drunk because I didn't learn up to that point that I needed to stop talking to him because he would just ruin me if I didn't. He used that message to filed a restraining order against me which made me so depressed. A week later my ex gf told me she needed space to fix herself but that she still loved me and didn't want to break up. I got scared and angry and I ignored her and then told her not to contact me. I was so scared of her breaking my heart I tried to push her away first. I ended up getting drunk going to the park and trying to end my life. I called her drunk while this was happening and she was freaking out calling 911. Her step father also talked to me on the phone and I eventually didn't go through with it.

On my way home I was in a dui accident. I am so lucky to not have killed or hurt anyone or myself. That was a wake up call for me. I sent her a few messages on fb telling her how sorry I was and that I would seek treatment for my depression and drinking and she sent me one final message and then blocked me.

"I wish you the very best out of this life and I more than anything want you to lead a happy and fulfilled life. That is all I have ever wanted. Please take care of yourself. As always, my thoughts and heart are with you, as well as with every single member of your Family. Please know that you deserve everything that this life has to offer. Realize that and remember that you are worth so much more than you know. Thank you as well, for being a part of my life. Please know that my feelings and my love for you were very real. Please take care <3 "

I am going to AA every day, I am taking a pill that will not allow me to drink, I am seeing a psychologist for my depreesion and I am doing cognitive behavioral therapy. I realize that she is very hurt by my actions but the relationship itself was extremely loving on both our parts. In the entire time we never once called each other names or swore at each other, nobody cheated, we were open and communicated with each other. I treated her well and she treated me well.

I guess my main question is, seeing that most of the people talking about ex's in recovery seem to have ex's that were abusive or just not very nice people even without the drinking, do I fall into the catagory of those people or is my situation different from that? I know my recovery is about me first and I accept that but in a few months I would like to write a letter and mail it to her showing her that I have really committed to recovery and that I would like to be friends and open communication with her again. We both have major emotional problems she just realized first that she needed to work on herself and it took all of the stuff that happened to me for me to realize it. I have no criminal record and this dui is the only thing that has ever happened to me.

I am willing to wait and write her a letter every month after that just to show her that my recovery is still going on hoping that one day she will contact me. I am fully committed to my recovery and I want a healthy and happy life. Thanks for reading and responding.

SparkleKitty

Congratulations on your recovery efforts. You should be very proud of yourself for all you have accomplished.

I can't say whether you are different than other people discussed on this board. Everyone is different. We have no information about what your relationship was like from her perspective, or what instigated her breaking up with you, so I don't see how anyone can comment on that without just guessing.

I do know that your ex girlfriend has asked for space and distance to work on herself. The most loving thing you can do for her now is respect that, concentrate on maintaining your sobriety and recovering for you, first and foremost. If you two are destined to reconnect in the future, both of you happier and healthier individuals than you were before, then it will happen. But even if it doesn't you will have given yourself every opportunity to have the most fulfilling life possible. Even though it feels like right now that will only ever be possible with this particular person, you may not feel that way six months, a year, two years down the road.

Sending you strength and courage. Again, I commend your recovery efforts.

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome fellow depressive recovering alcoholic. You are doing wonderful things for yourself. Don't ever forget that. Recovery is for you. Since you are doing AA if you follow the steps there will come a time when it is appropriate for you to get in touch with her. Get a sponsor and start working on them. Than when the time is right you will make amends to her.

LexieCat

And I might as well add here that "amends" are NOT a way to insinuate yourself back into her life. It is an opportunity to OFFER to do something to make things right, to the extent you are able to. She is totally free to say she never wants to see or hear from you again. I strongly suggest that you not even THINK about an attempt at amends to her until you have worked the previous steps and discussed it carefully with your sponsor.

Congrats on your sober time. I'm sober almost 7 years. Concentrate on your own recovery and things will work out as they should. Don't tie your recovery to a future with this woman, though. For now, she is done, and you must respect that.

biminiblue

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iSPAZ

First an foremost... congratulations on your choice of sobriety. You are one of the more fortunate ones that has not taken it to the point of absolute destruction. I would reiterate what has already been said and that is find a very healthy sponsor and work the steps like your life depends on it. LISTEN to your sponsor. Do not get ahead of yourself. Focus on you and your recovery and trust that God is taking good care of the other parties. Print up what you wrote above and look at it again in a year and if you have done the work you will see things in an entire new perspective. You will see things that you simply are unable to see right now. Also if you are able to now read what you wrote as you where not either of the parties. Read it as though she (your ex) was your little sister, maybe a cousin or good friend you care for deeply. Do not look at it from your perspective. Read it like your little sister or daughters partner had written it. I do this when my emotions stand in the way of making a good decision for myself. Be very thankful that she has sought help for herself and she was able to recognize the dysfunction. Be thankful she did not enable you to get worse like many of us have done. Be thankful that you still see some good in each other and the relationship did not go the full course to where either of you could see any good in each other any more. It happens more often than not in these types of relationships. Be thankful you got to spend the time you did with a cool chick. If it is meant to be that you both get healthy and end up back together some day then it was meant to be. I would heavily caution hinging or making any part of your recovery contingent upon restoration of this or any other relationship. Best wishes to you and hats off for seeking recovery. There are so many of us that would have given ANYTHING to have our loved ones get there before the wheels came off!!

NYCDoglvr

Congrats on staying sober. Regarding the ex-gf, my advice is what I was given in early sobriety: n o relationships in the first year. I'm sure you're very needy right now and want to feel better but relationships aren't the way to do it. It's too easy to make another infallible person our higher power and when they fail us, pick up a drink. "Having a relationship is like pouring Miracle Grow on our character defects," my sponsor told me. Stay the course, you're doing great. Do you have a sponsor and are you doing the steps? A big hug.

FeelingGreat

Kefka, accept for now that your relationship is over. The reason I think that is that she's blocked you, and her action didn't come out of the blue. Please don't let this act as an excuse for relapsing, or listen to any voice that says 'now she's gone it's not worth staying sober'. If you hear that voice it's a good indication that your efforts are for her, not yourself. Successful sobriety is always for ourselves. Benefits for others are just the lovely icing on the cake.

The only realistic amends you can make to anyone is to stay sober forever. Once you get through the part about dealing with your emotions without alcohol, lots of good things await you.

Will you ever see her again? Who knows? But linking up with her now, before you've established long-term sobriety, would be fatal to the relationship, and probably harmful to her.

All the best. Why not join the 'newcomers to recovery' forum for some great feedback and lots of contacts who know exactly how you're feeling?

redatlanta

What happened while not abusive was extremely traumatic. I believe her that she only wants the best for you perhaps she is wise enough to see both your problems were not a good mix.

Nobody here can predict what she will do. AA will tell you to wait a year before getting involved in a relationship its a good idea.

I hope you are getting sober for YOU not for her. Congrats on your choice to get sober that's awesome and a lot to be proud of!!!

honeypig

Hi, Kefka--welcome to SR. When my A and I got together, we both acknowledged that we were "broken" people with plenty of problems. We each expected that our life would be somehow fixed/completed simply by the fact that now that we had each other. Guess what? It didn't work that way. What we got was years and years of lies, anger, and generally unhealthy behavior--what a waste of time!

Now, 21 years later, we are still married but legally separated and our future as a couple is anything but certain. We are each working our own recovery, and I know that whatever happens, I'm going to be better and happier. But I also know that my happiness can't hang on what HE is doing or not doing. A wise person once posted here "I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again." Those words really struck home for me at the time. I hope they're useful for you too.

Hopeworks

WIth God all things are possible!

The question is not if you can get back with your girlfriend but with your program of recovery can you become the completely healthy partner to the person who you eventually decide to spend the rest of your life with.

7 years ago no one could have changed my mind that my XA was the love of my life! Today I know that this was something that I believed because of my own weaknesses and codependent thinking at that time in my life. There were huge red flags all over the place that screamed the relationship was a very bad idea...and not just because of his alcoholism but because of my own deep issues.

Take care of you and get on solid ground and your head on straight and life on a calm and serene path of inner peace and it will take care of the rest of your life.

You were still in a honeymoon phase with your ex girlfriend and your supposed to not have fights or huge problems! Just because there was no major blow ups does not necessarily mean you were meant to spend the rest of your lives together and were going to live happily ever after!

But if she is the "ONE" and if you are meant to be together the day will come... you don't have to plan or orchestrate it as the universe and fate will handle the timing.

As you keep working a solid program of authentic recovery your trust will be in you... the unique person God created with talents, gifts and a future that will include the love of your life that you may not have even met yet. Developing that trust in whatever you believe to be you rHP to order your future helps you let go of the distractions of the past.

And lastly...it may not feel this way now but many times it is so wonderful to start out and not have to deal with hurts and baggage from the past...many times there is no future in the past!

If it is meant to be it will.... and the timing may be way down the road for whoever you find once you are ready for a relationship. Again... love yourself...take care of you and your HP will take care of the rest of your life.

Kefka2099

I went on facebook this morning briefly and my ex gf had me unblocked. I began writing a message to her but by the time I had finished and went to send it she had blocked me again. What does this mean? I was so happy and now I am so hurt. I thought she might of wanted to open up communication. I am so confused.

SparkleKitty

It means it is time to try to shift your focus away from her and to concentrate on your own recovery.

shil2587

I think, when you block someone, you cannot see their profile either. Sounds like she's struggling too and slipped up and wanted to see your profile.

Give her space. She is clearly trying to get that for herself. What happened between the two of you was traumatic and would have seemed to me, in that position, like emotional blackmail.

However she has taken it, let her havethe time and space she and you both need. Neither one of you sound ready for a relationship, let alone with each other. I would give it a few months, focus on staying sober, then maybe contact her offering friendship, showing her by your sobriety who you are.

LexieCat

She is probably doing what a lot of us do--checking to see if you're OK or what you're up to or whatever. She saw whatever she needed to see and blocked you again.

Just WAIT to get in touch with her. Leave her alone. Concentrate on your recovery.

In fact, I'm going to suggest something radical. Block HER for the time being. If she really wants to get in touch with you she can call you or send you an email or something. FB is just a huge temptation to maintain connections that should be severed--at least for a while. Watching HER on FB, and seeing what SHE's doing (is she dating someone else, etc.) is only going to be a huge distraction from what you need to be focused on right now.

Getting sober is a big deal and requires all your concentration and commitment. If your relationship is meant to be, you will have an opportunity to do that AFTER you are solidly sober (and I'd suggest at least a year).

thotful

I agree with other posters about giving yourself time, some more sobriety, and making contact under guidance from a sponsor only when you have reached step 9 (amends).

Remember that there's another person that hasn't spoken yet, and that is your ex-gf. When you make amends, she may decide that she doesn't want to hear it (and she would not be required to explain to you why). For example, in one of my amends attempts, the person didn't even respond to my message.

In the event that she does respond, your challenge will be to be "understanding". A major issue for me with loved ones that I have cut-off is that they don't understand me. They try to decide how healthy our relationship is, what impact their words have on me, what I'm thinking, why I'm doing what I'm doing, etc. They don't listen. They don't acknowledge that I am the one who decides how I feel. The same will be the case with your ex-gf. She has a voice that your disease probably blocked out. It might be that you haven't heard that voice. What would she say about your relationship? What would she say about those situations you mentioned? How did she feel?
All of this would not be under your control. It is her choice. Her feelings. Her side of a relationship. She will decide what she wants.

Because it's not in your control, IMHO many responses have been to concentrate on you and your recovery. That you can do something about.

Your sobriety should not hinge on the responses you receive from your amends to others.

Take what you like from my thoughts, and leave the rest.

For now, work on you and lead a life you feel good about. What works for you. You are worthy of sobriety and the work is WELL worth it! Take care of you!

AnvilheadII

you need to respect HER wishes.....not try to just get your own way here. SHE asked for space, she blocked you, she has cut off contact. because that is what SHE needs and wants. have the grace to accept that and keep your focus staying sober and living sober.

FireSprite

For the record, I believe ANYTHING is POSSIBLE.

That doesn't make it guaranteed or even likely.

It sounds trite, but it's so true: You have nothing to "bring to the table" in a relationship while you are still broken. You can't work on a relationship & on yourself at the same time & give both 100% - something has to suffer. That's why you keep getting the advice to focus on you & work on your own issues; that's also (IMO) why it can be too difficult for married couples to survive recovery intact.

Think of it this way - you don't even know who you really are yet, you can/will(/should?) change in recovery. It sounds like she is going through the same thing for different reasons - what if YOU don't like the person she becomes after her own internal work? What if you decide you are just 2 very different people? It may be hard to see now, but you might actually change your mind about all of this as your recovery progresses.... after all, you were together a relatively short time, during (what sounds like) a terribly challenging & dysfunctional part of both of your lives. If you insist on holding tightly onto this just to MAKE it work, you may be cutting yourself off from other sources of happiness & healing.

Right now, you're about a week sober? That's AWESOME! But this journey is LONG, full of distractions & minefields. And while it may not have been abusive between you, I seriously doubt you're able to clearly see the dysfunction it contained just yet. You don't have enough sober time & distance from it all, not yet.

If you really, really want to give this relationship a chance, the best thing you can probably do is to back off & give her the space she so respectfully requested.

The important thing right now is staying sober & working your program. That's it.

megsykreeg

Welcome and congratulations on choosing sobriety. First, they say that you shouldn't make any changes in the first year of your sobriety. Give yourself a year and then mail her a letter. Second, as others have already mentioned, she asked for space to work on her. Let her have that. As one living with an alcoholic spouse, we need to recover just as much as our alcoholic does. Before my husband and I were married, I took time to work on me. I didn't take a year but that was me. If I needed more time, he would have had to give me that. If you really love her you need to let her have this space right now. Still don't focus on her, focus on your road to recovery.

Kefka2099

I know I have to do all this recovery for myself. I know it is for nobody else but me. I am leaving for another AA meeting in 20 minutes. This will be my 6th in a row. Today my saddness turned into anger. I keep going over in my head how hurt I feel. The past week everything in my head has been about how sorry I felt and how much regret I had for what happened with this relationship.

When I thought she unblocked me I immediately started crying uncontrollably and all at once I felt like maybe there was a chance and I had so much hope. I thought it meant she wanted to communicate so I began writing a message to her and it was very long and by the time I went to send it she had already blocked me again. Even if it wasn't I feel like that was head games and it makes me so upset. I feel angry about it. I know my emotions all wrong and changing so quickly because I don't know how to feel or what to feel because so much is going on but right now I feel angry like I am being played with even if it isn't true. I am on this emotional rollercoaster I just can't get off right now. I can't change how I feel even if I am doing the right things like going to AA and getting therapy for my depression, my feelings are what they are feelings because they don't follow any real logic. I just feel so upset right now. Lost, angry, confused, sad, depressed, remorseful, broken, hopeless...the list goes on.