Complications from Newly Sober Spouse...advise Appreciated!
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 8
Complications from Newly Sober Spouse...advise Appreciated!
My spouse just recently came home after 4 months at a treatment program for alcoholics. While residing in there we wrote, and spoke ALL the time, and all counselors said he did great, and everything seemed to be on track.
Now that he is home, there are MANY challenges we are facing. He found a new job within two weeks of being home, (which i thought was too fast..) and now works full time. This has now added work stress, as well as trying to pick up our life from where we left off. He's become almost compulsive at cleaning everything and all the time.
Another recent habit is his mood swings, and what seems like a lot of anger towards myself. I am trying to be supportive, yet it seems most of everything i do aggravates him.
There are moments where he will come up and kiss me and says he loves me, and others where he's just so frustrated with something that i've done..
Is this normal? is there anything i can do, or stop doing? I thought since he was doing so well in treatment, this would be a breeze...now seems everything, especially our relationship, is so difficult. Even more so than when he was drinking before.
He is currently taking a daily breathalyzer, that he will be on for a couple more years however, he talks a lot about alcohol and how he misses it. He's never been the type to clam up and not talk to me before, and now, I haven't a clue what goes through his mind.
Now that he is home, there are MANY challenges we are facing. He found a new job within two weeks of being home, (which i thought was too fast..) and now works full time. This has now added work stress, as well as trying to pick up our life from where we left off. He's become almost compulsive at cleaning everything and all the time.
Another recent habit is his mood swings, and what seems like a lot of anger towards myself. I am trying to be supportive, yet it seems most of everything i do aggravates him.
There are moments where he will come up and kiss me and says he loves me, and others where he's just so frustrated with something that i've done..
Is this normal? is there anything i can do, or stop doing? I thought since he was doing so well in treatment, this would be a breeze...now seems everything, especially our relationship, is so difficult. Even more so than when he was drinking before.
He is currently taking a daily breathalyzer, that he will be on for a couple more years however, he talks a lot about alcohol and how he misses it. He's never been the type to clam up and not talk to me before, and now, I haven't a clue what goes through his mind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's absolutely "normal" behavior for someone in early sobriety (and even though he has four months, it's still early sobriety, plus he's been in a protected environment for four months).
My best suggestion is that you give him some space to adjust and get on solid ground on the "outside." The job may be very good for him. Is he attending AA or any other kind of program now that he's out? I also highly recommend Al-Anon, which will give you a place to focus on YOU and what YOU want for YOUR life. It will also help take the focus off him and what he's doing.
If he continues to stay sober, and to make the internal changes that living sober demands, things will eventually normalize. Keep breathing and don't let the craziness of early sobriety throw you.
My best suggestion is that you give him some space to adjust and get on solid ground on the "outside." The job may be very good for him. Is he attending AA or any other kind of program now that he's out? I also highly recommend Al-Anon, which will give you a place to focus on YOU and what YOU want for YOUR life. It will also help take the focus off him and what he's doing.
If he continues to stay sober, and to make the internal changes that living sober demands, things will eventually normalize. Keep breathing and don't let the craziness of early sobriety throw you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
You may have a "dry drunk" on your hands. This article has helped me understand my ex a lot.
By Dr Lorin Bradbury
Got Religion, But Still A Dry Drunk
May 2, 2012 | Volume 14, Issue 18
Question: Dr. Bradbury, some time in the past, you wrote an article explaining the “dry-drunk syndrome.” I don’t know where I put the article and I would like to read it again. Could you please reprint it. I’m living in a home with a man who got religion and quit drinking, but nothing else has changed. His moods change by the moment. I can’t keep up with them. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. He sees himself as the victim of everything that goes on in the home. I get the impression that he believes he is entitled to behave the way he behaves, and the kids and I are supposed to conform to his every whim, but it’s not possible to keep up with his “highs” and “lows.”
You have well described the dry-drunk syndrome, and your husband probably needs to get help, even if he got religion. Some people—men and women—believe they have been delivered from their addiction, and the only thing that has changed is that they quit drinking, or drugging. What they need is help confronting their attitudes and behaviors.
Here is the article you requested. I hope it helps.
A dry drunk is actually a condition that describes one who has quit drinking or drugging, but continues to manifest behaviors of alcoholism or drug addiction. In essence, the individual has not made the necessary emotional changes that should be characteristic of sobriety.
Being an alcoholic or drug addict sets up many thought patterns, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are immature. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors produces the dry-drunk syndrome. It’s often those around the non-drinking alcoholic or non-using drug addict that recognize a lack of progress toward recovery, or a reversion back to the old ways of thinking and acting.
For some who have made progress, dry drunk behaviors can be a precursor to a relapse. Some of the symptoms of a dry drunk are restlessness, irritability, moodiness, and general discontent. Below are some of the attitudes common with the dry-drunk syndrome as described in substance abuse treatment literature.
Self-centeredness: This is adolescence at any age. It describes an attitude in which “the world revolves around me.”
Grandiosity: When this attitude is present, the individual is able to do anything, conquer any habit, and produce greater and better work than anyone else. However, grandiosity does not always mean that the individual believes he or she is the best. It can manifest as attention-seeking through playing the victim role.
Impulsivity – A common observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. They tend to do what they want when they want, with little regard for others around them.
Judgmental Attitude – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. It is closely linked to grandiosity and tends to view everyone else judgmentally. But it may be a reflection of the individual’s view of himself or herself. When someone diminishes their own value, they may project that feeling unto others. Or, they may simply become very critical of everyone else in an attempt to elevate their own worth in comparison to others.
For those living around someone in a dry-drunk state, there are symptoms that are very noticeable. However, the individual in the dry drunk is likely to deny those symptoms, or turn a blind eye to them. Below are some of the behaviors that may manifest during a dry drunk:
1. The alcoholic/addict becomes restless, irritable, moody, and discontented.
2. The alcoholic/addict becomes bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive activities.
3. The alcoholic/addict’s emotions and feelings become listless and dull, and nothing seems to excite them anymore.
4. The alcoholic/addict starts to the engage in a euphoric yearning for the good old days of active use.
5. The alcoholic/addict starts to engage in magical thinking, fanciful expectations, and unrealistic dreams.
6. The last thing the alcoholic/addict wants is to engage in introspection of self.
7. The alcoholic/addict begins to feel unfulfilled, and has the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy the yearning or fill the hole in the soul.
Many alcoholics and addicts began drinking and using at a young age. When they began, emotional maturity was suspended. When I ran a treatment group, I would explain that the participants were 14 years old, not their chronological age. Similarly, individuals experiencing a dry drunk are only 14 years old. They are caught in a perpetual state of adolescence, and until they are willing to confront the immature, underdeveloped attitudes and emotions, there can be no forward movement toward real recovery.
You may be wondering, “What can a spouse or family member do when a loved one is experiencing a dry drunk?” In many respects, you must confront them as you would an active alcoholic or drug addict. Practice tough love.
1. Maintain healthy boundaries. Define yourself, and don’t allow the alcoholic/addict to violate your values.
2. Do not enable them to continue the dry drunk lifestyle. Do not lie for them, or make excuses for their inappropriate behaviors.
3. Do not rescue them from the consequences of their actions related to the dry drunk. If the individual goes to jail for assaultive behavior related to an angry outburst, don’t bail him or her out. Make him or her accountable for his or her actions.
4. Do not let him or her manipulate you by mood swings or inappropriate attitudes. If the person returns to active use because you didn’t respond to manipulation attempts, do not feel responsible for his or her moods or actions.
5. Look for opportunities to gently point out the dry drunk attitudes and accompanying actions. Confrontation at the wrong time is likely to lead to denial and an argument. You may feel like you are dealing with a young adolescent and in truth you are, so consider how you might approach a teenager. Since egocentrism is a defining characteristic of both a teenager and an individual in a dry drunk state, there will come a time when the individual has a need. It may be at that time that you can confront and help the person to move forward in his or her recovery.
Lorin L. Bradbury, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Bethel. For appointments, he can be reached at 543-3266. If you have questions that you would like Dr. Bradbury to answer in the Delta Discovery, please send them to The Delta Discovery, P.O. Box 1028, Bethel, AK 99559, or e-mail them to [email protected].
By Dr Lorin Bradbury
Got Religion, But Still A Dry Drunk
May 2, 2012 | Volume 14, Issue 18
Question: Dr. Bradbury, some time in the past, you wrote an article explaining the “dry-drunk syndrome.” I don’t know where I put the article and I would like to read it again. Could you please reprint it. I’m living in a home with a man who got religion and quit drinking, but nothing else has changed. His moods change by the moment. I can’t keep up with them. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. He sees himself as the victim of everything that goes on in the home. I get the impression that he believes he is entitled to behave the way he behaves, and the kids and I are supposed to conform to his every whim, but it’s not possible to keep up with his “highs” and “lows.”
You have well described the dry-drunk syndrome, and your husband probably needs to get help, even if he got religion. Some people—men and women—believe they have been delivered from their addiction, and the only thing that has changed is that they quit drinking, or drugging. What they need is help confronting their attitudes and behaviors.
Here is the article you requested. I hope it helps.
A dry drunk is actually a condition that describes one who has quit drinking or drugging, but continues to manifest behaviors of alcoholism or drug addiction. In essence, the individual has not made the necessary emotional changes that should be characteristic of sobriety.
Being an alcoholic or drug addict sets up many thought patterns, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are immature. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors produces the dry-drunk syndrome. It’s often those around the non-drinking alcoholic or non-using drug addict that recognize a lack of progress toward recovery, or a reversion back to the old ways of thinking and acting.
For some who have made progress, dry drunk behaviors can be a precursor to a relapse. Some of the symptoms of a dry drunk are restlessness, irritability, moodiness, and general discontent. Below are some of the attitudes common with the dry-drunk syndrome as described in substance abuse treatment literature.
Self-centeredness: This is adolescence at any age. It describes an attitude in which “the world revolves around me.”
Grandiosity: When this attitude is present, the individual is able to do anything, conquer any habit, and produce greater and better work than anyone else. However, grandiosity does not always mean that the individual believes he or she is the best. It can manifest as attention-seeking through playing the victim role.
Impulsivity – A common observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. They tend to do what they want when they want, with little regard for others around them.
Judgmental Attitude – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. It is closely linked to grandiosity and tends to view everyone else judgmentally. But it may be a reflection of the individual’s view of himself or herself. When someone diminishes their own value, they may project that feeling unto others. Or, they may simply become very critical of everyone else in an attempt to elevate their own worth in comparison to others.
For those living around someone in a dry-drunk state, there are symptoms that are very noticeable. However, the individual in the dry drunk is likely to deny those symptoms, or turn a blind eye to them. Below are some of the behaviors that may manifest during a dry drunk:
1. The alcoholic/addict becomes restless, irritable, moody, and discontented.
2. The alcoholic/addict becomes bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive activities.
3. The alcoholic/addict’s emotions and feelings become listless and dull, and nothing seems to excite them anymore.
4. The alcoholic/addict starts to the engage in a euphoric yearning for the good old days of active use.
5. The alcoholic/addict starts to engage in magical thinking, fanciful expectations, and unrealistic dreams.
6. The last thing the alcoholic/addict wants is to engage in introspection of self.
7. The alcoholic/addict begins to feel unfulfilled, and has the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy the yearning or fill the hole in the soul.
Many alcoholics and addicts began drinking and using at a young age. When they began, emotional maturity was suspended. When I ran a treatment group, I would explain that the participants were 14 years old, not their chronological age. Similarly, individuals experiencing a dry drunk are only 14 years old. They are caught in a perpetual state of adolescence, and until they are willing to confront the immature, underdeveloped attitudes and emotions, there can be no forward movement toward real recovery.
You may be wondering, “What can a spouse or family member do when a loved one is experiencing a dry drunk?” In many respects, you must confront them as you would an active alcoholic or drug addict. Practice tough love.
1. Maintain healthy boundaries. Define yourself, and don’t allow the alcoholic/addict to violate your values.
2. Do not enable them to continue the dry drunk lifestyle. Do not lie for them, or make excuses for their inappropriate behaviors.
3. Do not rescue them from the consequences of their actions related to the dry drunk. If the individual goes to jail for assaultive behavior related to an angry outburst, don’t bail him or her out. Make him or her accountable for his or her actions.
4. Do not let him or her manipulate you by mood swings or inappropriate attitudes. If the person returns to active use because you didn’t respond to manipulation attempts, do not feel responsible for his or her moods or actions.
5. Look for opportunities to gently point out the dry drunk attitudes and accompanying actions. Confrontation at the wrong time is likely to lead to denial and an argument. You may feel like you are dealing with a young adolescent and in truth you are, so consider how you might approach a teenager. Since egocentrism is a defining characteristic of both a teenager and an individual in a dry drunk state, there will come a time when the individual has a need. It may be at that time that you can confront and help the person to move forward in his or her recovery.
Lorin L. Bradbury, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Bethel. For appointments, he can be reached at 543-3266. If you have questions that you would like Dr. Bradbury to answer in the Delta Discovery, please send them to The Delta Discovery, P.O. Box 1028, Bethel, AK 99559, or e-mail them to [email protected].
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Is he going to A.A meetings?
Originally Posted by piecebypiece 
My spouse just recently came home after 4 months at a treatment program for alcoholics. While residing in there we wrote, and spoke ALL the time, and all counselors said he did great, and everything seemed to be on track.
Now that he is home, there are MANY challenges we are facing. He found a new job within two weeks of being home, (which i thought was too fast..) and now works full time. This has now added work stress, as well as trying to pick up our life from where we left off. He's become almost compulsive at cleaning everything and all the time.
Another recent habit is his mood swings, and what seems like a lot of anger towards myself. I am trying to be supportive, yet it seems most of everything i do aggravates him.
There are moments where he will come up and kiss me and says he loves me, and others where he's just so frustrated with something that i've done..
Is this normal? is there anything i can do, or stop doing? I thought since he was doing so well in treatment, this would be a breeze...now seems everything, especially our relationship, is so difficult. Even more so than when he was drinking before.
He is currently taking a daily breathalyzer, that he will be on for a couple more years however, he talks a lot about alcohol and how he misses it. He's never been the type to clam up and not talk to me before, and now, I haven't a clue what goes through his mind.
Now that he is home, there are MANY challenges we are facing. He found a new job within two weeks of being home, (which i thought was too fast..) and now works full time. This has now added work stress, as well as trying to pick up our life from where we left off. He's become almost compulsive at cleaning everything and all the time.
Another recent habit is his mood swings, and what seems like a lot of anger towards myself. I am trying to be supportive, yet it seems most of everything i do aggravates him.
There are moments where he will come up and kiss me and says he loves me, and others where he's just so frustrated with something that i've done..
Is this normal? is there anything i can do, or stop doing? I thought since he was doing so well in treatment, this would be a breeze...now seems everything, especially our relationship, is so difficult. Even more so than when he was drinking before.
He is currently taking a daily breathalyzer, that he will be on for a couple more years however, he talks a lot about alcohol and how he misses it. He's never been the type to clam up and not talk to me before, and now, I haven't a clue what goes through his mind.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suggest not judging his efforts to stay sober. His recovery is his responsibility. Have you considered Alanon? Early recovery, which lasts at least a year in terms of difficulty, is tough for everyone, including friends and family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
That thing about "dry drunk"?
Yeah. No.
No good will come from using that term nor from trying to diagnose someone as being close to drinking again. It is a judgmental and condescending term that should not ever be used, IMO.
It does nothing but cause separation and pain to both parties. Try being less harsh, not more harsh.
Yeah. No.
No good will come from using that term nor from trying to diagnose someone as being close to drinking again. It is a judgmental and condescending term that should not ever be used, IMO.
It does nothing but cause separation and pain to both parties. Try being less harsh, not more harsh.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Perfectly normal in my experience. What is he doing in terms of recovery since getting out of rehab? Early recovery is a beastly time for both parties & having a support system/active recovery can make all the difference.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by LexieCat
It's absolutely "normal" behavior for someone in early sobriety (and even though he has four months, it's still early sobriety, plus he's been in a protected environment for four months).
My best suggestion is that you give him some space to adjust and get on solid ground on the "outside." The job may be very good for him. Is he attending AA or any other kind of program now that he's out? I also highly recommend Al-Anon, which will give you a place to focus on YOU and what YOU want for YOUR life. It will also help take the focus off him and what he's doing.
If he continues to stay sober, and to make the internal changes that living sober demands, things will eventually normalize. Keep breathing and don't let the craziness of early sobriety throw you.
My best suggestion is that you give him some space to adjust and get on solid ground on the "outside." The job may be very good for him. Is he attending AA or any other kind of program now that he's out? I also highly recommend Al-Anon, which will give you a place to focus on YOU and what YOU want for YOUR life. It will also help take the focus off him and what he's doing.
If he continues to stay sober, and to make the internal changes that living sober demands, things will eventually normalize. Keep breathing and don't let the craziness of early sobriety throw you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I suggest not judging his efforts to stay sober. His recovery is his responsibility. Have you considered Alanon? Early recovery, which lasts at least a year in terms of difficulty, is tough for everyone, including friends and family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Just because we sober up
for most by no means does this mean
all will be easy sailing.
Actually for most it is work to stay sober.
We had to let go of some old ideas
easier said than done.
A good moral Sponsor that is willing to work the AA Big Book with the newcomer will be of great help.
If one misses drinking (too much), maybe a true bottom was not reached or one needs to get serious with the working of a solid Program.
Mountainman
for most by no means does this mean
all will be easy sailing.
Actually for most it is work to stay sober.
We had to let go of some old ideas
easier said than done.
A good moral Sponsor that is willing to work the AA Big Book with the newcomer will be of great help.
If one misses drinking (too much), maybe a true bottom was not reached or one needs to get serious with the working of a solid Program.
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Yes what you're facing is completely normal. I've been sober 15 months today and I was VERY much like your husband as are many in recovery. Honestly things got far worse in my marriage in the early months of sobriety before they got better. Hubbie expected I would magically be "fixed" (I went through three months of outpatient rehab) and of course that didn't happen. I in turn was facing life and all of its issues without my "go-to" of booze and was good and cranky. Sadly time and time again I feel like rehab fails families miserably. Your experiences are normal and I don't feel like people are given realistic expectations or tools to deal with the newly sober spouse.
I disagree with Ducky. I think most alcoholics in recovery will say they miss the heck out of booze in the first year. I have read at least six memoirs of well known New York Times best selling authors telling their recovery stories and rarely do you find a story even with those that succeed that don't miss alcohol until they get further down the sobriety path. I don't think it necessary means he will relapse. The key is acknowledging the feelings and pushing through them. Some succeed and others fail that is true but IMHO predicting who will be in which camp is difficult at best. Frankly I got told by outpatient counselors they were sure I'd be relapsing and were shocked when I sailed through and was a success story. They could not measure inner motivation.
Yes your husband is dealing with anxiety and for him he is cleaning. I took up knitting. Most of us have to find new healthy outlets for anxiety, if we don't... we fail in the end.
Best I can say is what everyone else has said. Whether it be Al-Anon or one of a number of other groups for friends and family support find one and focus on you.
Best of luck to both of you.
I disagree with Ducky. I think most alcoholics in recovery will say they miss the heck out of booze in the first year. I have read at least six memoirs of well known New York Times best selling authors telling their recovery stories and rarely do you find a story even with those that succeed that don't miss alcohol until they get further down the sobriety path. I don't think it necessary means he will relapse. The key is acknowledging the feelings and pushing through them. Some succeed and others fail that is true but IMHO predicting who will be in which camp is difficult at best. Frankly I got told by outpatient counselors they were sure I'd be relapsing and were shocked when I sailed through and was a success story. They could not measure inner motivation.
Yes your husband is dealing with anxiety and for him he is cleaning. I took up knitting. Most of us have to find new healthy outlets for anxiety, if we don't... we fail in the end.
Best I can say is what everyone else has said. Whether it be Al-Anon or one of a number of other groups for friends and family support find one and focus on you.
Best of luck to both of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by cookiesncream
Yes what you're facing is completely normal. I've been sober 15 months today and I was VERY much like your husband as are many in recovery. Honestly things got far worse in my marriage in the early months of sobriety before they got better. Hubbie expected I would magically be "fixed" (I went through three months of outpatient rehab) and of course that didn't happen. I in turn was facing life and all of its issues without my "go-to" of booze and was good and cranky. Sadly time and time again I feel like rehab fails families miserably. Your experiences are normal and I don't feel like people are given realistic expectations or tools to deal with the newly sober spouse.
I disagree with Ducky. I think most alcoholics in recovery will say they miss the heck out of booze in the first year. I have read at least six memoirs of well known New York Times best selling authors telling their recovery stories and rarely do you find a story even with those that succeed that don't miss alcohol until they get further down the sobriety path. I don't think it necessary means he will relapse. The key is acknowledging the feelings and pushing through them. Some succeed and others fail that is true but IMHO predicting who will be in which camp is difficult at best. Frankly I got told by outpatient counselors they were sure I'd be relapsing and were shocked when I sailed through and was a success story. They could not measure inner motivation.
Yes your husband is dealing with anxiety and for him he is cleaning. I took up knitting. Most of us have to find new healthy outlets for anxiety, if we don't... we fail in the end.
Best I can say is what everyone else has said. Whether it be Al-Anon or one of a number of other groups for friends and family support find one and focus on you.
Best of luck to both of you.
I disagree with Ducky. I think most alcoholics in recovery will say they miss the heck out of booze in the first year. I have read at least six memoirs of well known New York Times best selling authors telling their recovery stories and rarely do you find a story even with those that succeed that don't miss alcohol until they get further down the sobriety path. I don't think it necessary means he will relapse. The key is acknowledging the feelings and pushing through them. Some succeed and others fail that is true but IMHO predicting who will be in which camp is difficult at best. Frankly I got told by outpatient counselors they were sure I'd be relapsing and were shocked when I sailed through and was a success story. They could not measure inner motivation.
Yes your husband is dealing with anxiety and for him he is cleaning. I took up knitting. Most of us have to find new healthy outlets for anxiety, if we don't... we fail in the end.
Best I can say is what everyone else has said. Whether it be Al-Anon or one of a number of other groups for friends and family support find one and focus on you.
Best of luck to both of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, piecebypiece--I'm glad you found SR and hope it turns out to be a great source of help for you, as it has been for me. I just want to second the suggestions to look into Alanon for yourself, even though you may not think there's a reason. I felt that way myself too, but Alanon has had a lot to teach me so far, as has SR.
Here's a link you might find helpful: But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon! And you also will benefit from reading as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. Not everything seemed to apply to me or my situation; not everything seemed to make sense to me at first. Given time, though, a lot of it ended up being a lot more important and a lot more useful than I thought.
That link I posted includes a link to the world-wide Alanon site (near the bottom), so if you want to find out more about Alanon and/or locate a meeting, the tools to do so are right there.
I hope you keep coming back to post and read, and I hope you give Alanon a shot--for me, Alanon and SR have been a great combo, and I can't imagine what I would have done w/o either one!
Here's a link you might find helpful: But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon! And you also will benefit from reading as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. Not everything seemed to apply to me or my situation; not everything seemed to make sense to me at first. Given time, though, a lot of it ended up being a lot more important and a lot more useful than I thought.
That link I posted includes a link to the world-wide Alanon site (near the bottom), so if you want to find out more about Alanon and/or locate a meeting, the tools to do so are right there.
I hope you keep coming back to post and read, and I hope you give Alanon a shot--for me, Alanon and SR have been a great combo, and I can't imagine what I would have done w/o either one!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Rehab is like pregnancy. At the end, you have a beautiful miracle--that screams and yells and creates havoc in the house. NO, I'm not saying that a newly sober person is the baby. Sobriety itself is the baby. The sober person is like a new mom, just starting out this whole new life journey. There is no point, in parenthood or sobriety, or life, where we sit back and say 'there! All better now! I'm done!'
I think at some point, we get used to the work, and take joy in it. I don't know what it's like to come out of the fog of addiction, but I know the emotional and physical roller coaster of being a new parent, and how long it can take to regain some clarity. And how hard it was for people who hadn't experienced it to understand how overwhelming it can be. Your husband might find some great support in AA.
I really appreciate Al-Anon because it is a group of people that knows firsthand what living with alcoholism is like: whether it's a sober A, an active A, a long-gone parent, a child, a co-worker, or all of the above. It has helped me keep the focus on what's mine, and let the As find their recovery, their way.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck!
I think at some point, we get used to the work, and take joy in it. I don't know what it's like to come out of the fog of addiction, but I know the emotional and physical roller coaster of being a new parent, and how long it can take to regain some clarity. And how hard it was for people who hadn't experienced it to understand how overwhelming it can be. Your husband might find some great support in AA.
I really appreciate Al-Anon because it is a group of people that knows firsthand what living with alcoholism is like: whether it's a sober A, an active A, a long-gone parent, a child, a co-worker, or all of the above. It has helped me keep the focus on what's mine, and let the As find their recovery, their way.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I don't mean to be a crabby patty either but sometimes as the RAW I do feel the need to speak up. "Dry drunk" gets used a lot here. Sometimes it is justifiable and other times I think it gets used as a catch all phrase to describe any behavior one does not like in their partner LONG after they have quit drinking. To me that phrase is justifiable IF the person in recovery has been sober for OVER A YEAR and is still 1.) playing victim 2.)not taking personal responsibility for their own actions, and I'm sure there others . I would really hesistate to place this label on anyone unless they have been continuously (zero relapses) for a solid year. Recovery is not a straightforward process, it has zig zags. I see people here in abusive relationships years after their partner had gotten sober and they blame on the person being a "dry drunk." No a person being abusive is simply an abusive person, booze merely fueled it but was not the cause. See what your partner is like in a year and you'll have a much better feel for what the future holds but right now is MUCH too soon IMHO.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, I can't say I exactly "missed alcohol" but I sure missed what it did for me. For me, dealing with strong emotions was when I'd be thinking, "Man, now THIS is when I need a drink!" It was never enough to actually ACT on it, but I definitely felt it. And I felt very weird and "off" until the emotions had leveled out again. It's really disconcerting the first several months. So no, I don't think talking about "missing it" is anything unusual, and it's the people who claim NEVER to miss it that I worry about a bit. I don't think it's healthy to obsess about those feelings--to invite them in and ask them to sit down and stay awhile--but acknowledging them as they (hopefully) pass is not a bad thing.
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