Alcoholic Wife Claims Abuse - Falsely
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One more thing. When you meet with the lawyer, be sure to tell him/her about the threats to allege abuse. Tell the lawyer about any past incidents, including the one in which you had to engage in some defensive actions. It's important to be a hundred percent truthful with the lawyer--unless you are, s/he cannot give you the best advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
This is all on your time and when you want to do it, Bob.
We all were responding to your very real problems and giving suggestions for ways to protect yourself and your son and your assets. If she is a violent alcohol abuser, you are going to need it. I know it's easier to deny that it is a real problem - and only you know the truth about your relationship - but if she continues on the path she is on, it is only going to get worse, by 1000%.
I waited too long to get out and ended up being on my own with no job and very little money; less than $100 - no family in the area and scared. In hindsight I wish I had known about DV advocates, and wish I had consulted an attorney before I had to actually run. We tend to minimize our problems, and as a man I'm sure your minimizing is far more than mine was. Men aren't supposed to have these problems, or something.
I think just spend as much quality nurturing time with your son as possible and don't speak badly of his mother.
We tend to have all the solutions, lol. We're "fixers" here.
Work through this at your own pace, but knowing what I know, I would be prepared for the worst.
We all were responding to your very real problems and giving suggestions for ways to protect yourself and your son and your assets. If she is a violent alcohol abuser, you are going to need it. I know it's easier to deny that it is a real problem - and only you know the truth about your relationship - but if she continues on the path she is on, it is only going to get worse, by 1000%.
I waited too long to get out and ended up being on my own with no job and very little money; less than $100 - no family in the area and scared. In hindsight I wish I had known about DV advocates, and wish I had consulted an attorney before I had to actually run. We tend to minimize our problems, and as a man I'm sure your minimizing is far more than mine was. Men aren't supposed to have these problems, or something.
I think just spend as much quality nurturing time with your son as possible and don't speak badly of his mother.
We tend to have all the solutions, lol. We're "fixers" here.
Work through this at your own pace, but knowing what I know, I would be prepared for the worst.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Lots to digest here - so grateful.
But if I may "go to the well" once more:
Lexie said "...When you meet with the lawyer, be sure to tell him/her about the threats to allege abuse. Tell the lawyer about any past incidents, including the one in which you had to engage in some defensive actions.
To be clear, the very thing that landed me here was the thinly veiled threat of abuse charges. I have never felt "abused" despite the two rather extreme (I would call them "isolated examples" noted herein where things did briefly get physical. So I want to ask...
Early in this and another thread I started, the main response I was getting was "she will only change if she wants to", and "t will only get worse". Here's what I wonder. Don't a lot of people "manage" their alcoholism? I mean hell, I know people who reference being alcoholics and I don't really think they are - they just like to drink on weekends and some nights. They are totally open about wanting to get a buzz and will even openly 'plan' and talk about getting drunk. But this is not my wife - we are older and "more mature" now (no need for comments on term "mature" - - I know!). What I am getting at is this:
My wife's parents are drinkers and always will be. Yeah, her dad get looped sometimes and I'm not sure her mother can stop cold-turkey, but they have been married over 50 years; He had a great military career and retired from a well-paying job even after that. Having drinks in the evening and weekend were always part of life for them. (My dad always had a cocktail in the evenings too, come to think of it). I think it was cultural in that age too.
Now I know I have described a situation in which "hiding" and some loss of control have sadly crept in here - suggesting a very slow but progressively serious situation in my home . But the burning question is, in light of the "cocktail party" generation who seems to have mostly been okay and high-functioning members of society, yadda yadda..., does one have to face alcoholism or "just go away and die", or can it be simply be reigned in or a "lifestyle choice" as I seem to recall growing up? I know my wife has always thought of it as the latter, but I also know by the sneaking that she knows she has surpassed that. I also know she thinks she can manage it by "just cutting back". With her parents as examples of managing drinking as part of a perfectly fine and good lifestyle, this may even be all the more difficult - or not??? I've now confused myself - - -
But if I may "go to the well" once more:
Lexie said "...When you meet with the lawyer, be sure to tell him/her about the threats to allege abuse. Tell the lawyer about any past incidents, including the one in which you had to engage in some defensive actions.
To be clear, the very thing that landed me here was the thinly veiled threat of abuse charges. I have never felt "abused" despite the two rather extreme (I would call them "isolated examples" noted herein where things did briefly get physical. So I want to ask...
Early in this and another thread I started, the main response I was getting was "she will only change if she wants to", and "t will only get worse". Here's what I wonder. Don't a lot of people "manage" their alcoholism? I mean hell, I know people who reference being alcoholics and I don't really think they are - they just like to drink on weekends and some nights. They are totally open about wanting to get a buzz and will even openly 'plan' and talk about getting drunk. But this is not my wife - we are older and "more mature" now (no need for comments on term "mature" - - I know!). What I am getting at is this:
My wife's parents are drinkers and always will be. Yeah, her dad get looped sometimes and I'm not sure her mother can stop cold-turkey, but they have been married over 50 years; He had a great military career and retired from a well-paying job even after that. Having drinks in the evening and weekend were always part of life for them. (My dad always had a cocktail in the evenings too, come to think of it). I think it was cultural in that age too.
Now I know I have described a situation in which "hiding" and some loss of control have sadly crept in here - suggesting a very slow but progressively serious situation in my home . But the burning question is, in light of the "cocktail party" generation who seems to have mostly been okay and high-functioning members of society, yadda yadda..., does one have to face alcoholism or "just go away and die", or can it be simply be reigned in or a "lifestyle choice" as I seem to recall growing up? I know my wife has always thought of it as the latter, but I also know by the sneaking that she knows she has surpassed that. I also know she thinks she can manage it by "just cutting back". With her parents as examples of managing drinking as part of a perfectly fine and good lifestyle, this may even be all the more difficult - or not??? I've now confused myself - - -
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Only you can decide if it's tolerable to stay in this marriage.
Only she can decide if she is actually an alcoholic, based on the description of alcoholism. An alcoholic can only stop drinking completely or go further down the rabbit hole. Moderation is a pipe dream that we have all tried numerous times. A lot of those cocktail partiers died of their affliction or through accidents due to their drinking. A lot of them just have a couple a day for their entire lives and survive it. There is an invisible switch that gets flipped and once it is flipped, there is no going back to one or two.
The bottom line is that you need to be able to accept the situation as is, or do something yourself to limit your exposure. You cannot enforce rules around her drinking, or try to control her intake, or shame her for her actions - it simply makes you feel hopeless and helpless, and won't change her.
Only she can decide if she is actually an alcoholic, based on the description of alcoholism. An alcoholic can only stop drinking completely or go further down the rabbit hole. Moderation is a pipe dream that we have all tried numerous times. A lot of those cocktail partiers died of their affliction or through accidents due to their drinking. A lot of them just have a couple a day for their entire lives and survive it. There is an invisible switch that gets flipped and once it is flipped, there is no going back to one or two.
The bottom line is that you need to be able to accept the situation as is, or do something yourself to limit your exposure. You cannot enforce rules around her drinking, or try to control her intake, or shame her for her actions - it simply makes you feel hopeless and helpless, and won't change her.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
There is a difference between the cocktail crowd and an alcoholic. The crowd can ultimately take it or leave it. The alcoholic can't. They have to have it. Another sign is once an alcoholic starts drinking they can't stop. I am a recovering alcoholic myself. For short periods of time I could stop but I obsessed about it until I could drink again.
Not every who drinks or even drinks heavily becomes alcoholic but if they do they can't go back. There is a saying about this and it goes something like: "once a pickle never a cucumber again". Make sense?
Not every who drinks or even drinks heavily becomes alcoholic but if they do they can't go back. There is a saying about this and it goes something like: "once a pickle never a cucumber again". Make sense?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Bob, I'm almost 7 years sober, and I've been in two marriages to alcoholics. My first husband, who was INSANE when he drank, just celebrated his 35th year of sobriety. My second husband almost died of alcoholism (liver/kidneys shut down, comatose for a week, told he would need liver transplant, etc.) and went back to drinking after a brief stint of sobriety (I left).
So all told I've been "around" alcoholics in varying stages of drinking and recovery for a very long time. I've known hundreds. I can say with certainty that once that line gets crossed, there is NO controlling it. Like happy up there, I was able to put my drinking on a "short leash" from time to time, when I felt I needed to. I couldn't sustain it, though. It got progressively worse over the four and a half years from the time I acknowledged it was a "problem" and the time I finally quit drinking. During those four and a half years I did everything conceivable to try to avoid having to quit drinking. I counted drinks, made rules about when/how much I could drink, what I would drink, where I would drink. None of it stopped any of it, and, as I said, it got worse. By the end I was going through daily withdrawals that were making me shake, sweat, and have trouble breathing. It was AWFUL.
There ARE some people who are simply "hard drinkers" but not alcoholics. When they have a good reason to quit or cut down they do. No probs. But alcoholics obsess about alcohol, and find it difficult or impossible to quit once they've started. Most of them will rationalize their drinking as a "lifestyle choice." That's because it's to scary to think about having to admit that their lives have become unmanageable--because that means they might have to QUIT. And think of themselves as ALCOHOLICS--someone who ISN'T NORMAL. All of that is very scary. Or so it seems. Once I admitted the true nature of my problem and accepted my alcoholism, it was a huge burden off me. I had a lot of work to do, but at least I was no longer hiding from the problem or trying to "fight" it.
So all told I've been "around" alcoholics in varying stages of drinking and recovery for a very long time. I've known hundreds. I can say with certainty that once that line gets crossed, there is NO controlling it. Like happy up there, I was able to put my drinking on a "short leash" from time to time, when I felt I needed to. I couldn't sustain it, though. It got progressively worse over the four and a half years from the time I acknowledged it was a "problem" and the time I finally quit drinking. During those four and a half years I did everything conceivable to try to avoid having to quit drinking. I counted drinks, made rules about when/how much I could drink, what I would drink, where I would drink. None of it stopped any of it, and, as I said, it got worse. By the end I was going through daily withdrawals that were making me shake, sweat, and have trouble breathing. It was AWFUL.
There ARE some people who are simply "hard drinkers" but not alcoholics. When they have a good reason to quit or cut down they do. No probs. But alcoholics obsess about alcohol, and find it difficult or impossible to quit once they've started. Most of them will rationalize their drinking as a "lifestyle choice." That's because it's to scary to think about having to admit that their lives have become unmanageable--because that means they might have to QUIT. And think of themselves as ALCOHOLICS--someone who ISN'T NORMAL. All of that is very scary. Or so it seems. Once I admitted the true nature of my problem and accepted my alcoholism, it was a huge burden off me. I had a lot of work to do, but at least I was no longer hiding from the problem or trying to "fight" it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Well gosh - I tried to post 4 times today and was never successful. No idea why, but hope this goes thru.
Just noticed a LOT of folks have looked at this thread. Maybe I can "pay it forward" a bit, considering all the backup I've gotten here in only a few days: I just found something online that, if you are reading this based on the title and maybe in similar shoes to mine, or worse, here is something worth a look:
False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused
There is another free page of info on "shrink4men.com" too; I think its called something like "Steps to guard against false accusations". If you find the site, you will find the page. Good luck. (The author offers online or phone counseling, but this free stuff appears quite useful and valid).
Little update: Civility reigned on Mother's Day here. Son is much more himself and he and I are pretty well back to normal - went out and got flowers and a card for Mom and took her to dinner tonight. I do wish he would talk about Mom and how Mom and Dad's issues may weigh on him. I think his clamming up when asked is the same as saying, "Well what do you THINK? It sucks to hear this crap from either of you! Nothing more to say...". That's my translation.
From re-reading the extremely helpful, candid, and insightful posts to this thread (for which I will always be eternally grateful), it is clear I need to learn more about alcoholism. I am curious about the nature vs. nurture (genetic disposal vs. drinking oneself into alcoholism) or some combination thereof. The presumed fact that once the switch is flipped, it can't go off, or "once a pickle, never again a cucumber" is odd and interesting to me, and its something I think is worth learning more about. Or maybe its just a fact I need to recognize and/or accept in order to possibly support my wife, should she accept her problem and work to resolve it.
Lawyer call expected in the morning and another counseling session too. Should help me better formulate strategy for dealing with this.
As for the marriage, I am in it for the long haul unless wife shows signs of being completely "gone", as I cannot believe our son (the most important one here, IMO) would be better off with divorced parents than with ones who are just not very happy with one-another. I have heard a lot about this and most young adults wished the parents had stayed together, even if unhappy in marriage. I think the options are not good either way, but staying in seems better than splitting our child in half. Well, that's all thought for another day.
Hope the mothers here have had a deservedly nice day today
One last item that may or may not be anything: I have not touched a drop of alcohol this weekend b/c I decided to set an example or something. I did miss it - not need it, but missed it from a couple good meals and some "deck time". A red wine would've rocked with that grilled-out steak Saturday, and something with dinner tonight would have also been nice. BUT TO MY POINT: I told my wife at dinner - because she wondered why I ordered no wine at a place where we always get wine when we go there - that i had decided to stop. Said it was part of my new diet to lose my 25# middle-age-man gut. I was shocked to hear her say, "I think I will join you (on the 'wagon') tomorrow". Hmmm. . . . Could be a good lead in to, "Honey, this is great, and I want you to go even one step more..." or something like that.
Wonder how much skepticism that'll get here? Well, bring it on if you must. I'm just repeating what I heard and offering a possible position to take on my end...
Just noticed a LOT of folks have looked at this thread. Maybe I can "pay it forward" a bit, considering all the backup I've gotten here in only a few days: I just found something online that, if you are reading this based on the title and maybe in similar shoes to mine, or worse, here is something worth a look:
False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused
There is another free page of info on "shrink4men.com" too; I think its called something like "Steps to guard against false accusations". If you find the site, you will find the page. Good luck. (The author offers online or phone counseling, but this free stuff appears quite useful and valid).
Little update: Civility reigned on Mother's Day here. Son is much more himself and he and I are pretty well back to normal - went out and got flowers and a card for Mom and took her to dinner tonight. I do wish he would talk about Mom and how Mom and Dad's issues may weigh on him. I think his clamming up when asked is the same as saying, "Well what do you THINK? It sucks to hear this crap from either of you! Nothing more to say...". That's my translation.
From re-reading the extremely helpful, candid, and insightful posts to this thread (for which I will always be eternally grateful), it is clear I need to learn more about alcoholism. I am curious about the nature vs. nurture (genetic disposal vs. drinking oneself into alcoholism) or some combination thereof. The presumed fact that once the switch is flipped, it can't go off, or "once a pickle, never again a cucumber" is odd and interesting to me, and its something I think is worth learning more about. Or maybe its just a fact I need to recognize and/or accept in order to possibly support my wife, should she accept her problem and work to resolve it.
Lawyer call expected in the morning and another counseling session too. Should help me better formulate strategy for dealing with this.
As for the marriage, I am in it for the long haul unless wife shows signs of being completely "gone", as I cannot believe our son (the most important one here, IMO) would be better off with divorced parents than with ones who are just not very happy with one-another. I have heard a lot about this and most young adults wished the parents had stayed together, even if unhappy in marriage. I think the options are not good either way, but staying in seems better than splitting our child in half. Well, that's all thought for another day.
Hope the mothers here have had a deservedly nice day today
One last item that may or may not be anything: I have not touched a drop of alcohol this weekend b/c I decided to set an example or something. I did miss it - not need it, but missed it from a couple good meals and some "deck time". A red wine would've rocked with that grilled-out steak Saturday, and something with dinner tonight would have also been nice. BUT TO MY POINT: I told my wife at dinner - because she wondered why I ordered no wine at a place where we always get wine when we go there - that i had decided to stop. Said it was part of my new diet to lose my 25# middle-age-man gut. I was shocked to hear her say, "I think I will join you (on the 'wagon') tomorrow". Hmmm. . . . Could be a good lead in to, "Honey, this is great, and I want you to go even one step more..." or something like that.
Wonder how much skepticism that'll get here? Well, bring it on if you must. I'm just repeating what I heard and offering a possible position to take on my end...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Well gosh - I tried to post 4 times today and was never successful. No idea why, but hope this goes thru.
Just noticed a LOT of folks have looked at this thread. Maybe I can "pay it forward" a bit, considering all the backup I've gotten here in only a few days: I just found something online that, if you are reading this based on the title and maybe in similar shoes to mine, or worse, here is something worth a look:
False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused
There is another free page of info on "shrink4men.com" too; I think its called something like "Steps to guard against false accusations". If you find the site, you will find the page. Good luck. (The author offers online or phone counseling, but this free stuff appears quite useful and valid).
Little update: Civility reigned on Mother's Day here. Son is much more himself and he and I are pretty well back to normal - went out and got flowers and a card for Mom and took her to dinner tonight. I do wish he would talk about Mom and how Mom and Dad's issues may weigh on him. I think his clamming up when asked is the same as saying, "Well what do you THINK? It sucks to hear this crap from either of you! Nothing more to say...". That's my translation.
From re-reading the extremely helpful, candid, and insightful posts to this thread (for which I will always be eternally grateful), it is clear I need to learn more about alcoholism. I am curious about the nature vs. nurture (genetic disposal vs. drinking oneself into alcoholism) or some combination thereof. The presumed fact that once the switch is flipped, it can't go off, or "once a pickle, never again a cucumber" is odd and interesting to me, and its something I think is worth learning more about. Or maybe its just a fact I need to recognize and/or accept in order to possibly support my wife, should she accept her problem and work to resolve it.
Lawyer call expected in the morning and another counseling session too. Should help me better formulate strategy for dealing with this.
As for the marriage, I am in it for the long haul unless wife shows signs of being completely "gone", as I cannot believe our son (the most important one here, IMO) would be better off with divorced parents than with ones who are just not very happy with one-another. I have heard a lot about this and most young adults wished the parents had stayed together, even if unhappy in marriage. I think the options are not good either way, but staying in seems better than splitting our child in half. Well, that's all thought for another day.
Hope the mothers here have had a deservedly nice day today
One last item that may or may not be anything: I have not touched a drop of alcohol this weekend b/c I decided to set an example or something. I did miss it - not need it, but missed it from a couple good meals and some "deck time". A red wine would've rocked with that grilled-out steak Saturday, and something with dinner tonight would have also been nice. BUT TO MY POINT: I told my wife at dinner - because she wondered why I ordered no wine at a place where we always get wine when we go there - that i had decided to stop. Said it was part of my new diet to lose my 25# middle-age-man gut. I was shocked to hear her say, "I think I will join you (on the 'wagon') tomorrow". Hmmm. . . . Could be a good lead in to, "Honey, this is great, and I want you to go even one step more..." or something like that.
Wonder how much skepticism that'll get here? Well, bring it on if you must. I'm just repeating what I heard and offering a possible position to take on my end...
Just noticed a LOT of folks have looked at this thread. Maybe I can "pay it forward" a bit, considering all the backup I've gotten here in only a few days: I just found something online that, if you are reading this based on the title and maybe in similar shoes to mine, or worse, here is something worth a look:
False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused
There is another free page of info on "shrink4men.com" too; I think its called something like "Steps to guard against false accusations". If you find the site, you will find the page. Good luck. (The author offers online or phone counseling, but this free stuff appears quite useful and valid).
Little update: Civility reigned on Mother's Day here. Son is much more himself and he and I are pretty well back to normal - went out and got flowers and a card for Mom and took her to dinner tonight. I do wish he would talk about Mom and how Mom and Dad's issues may weigh on him. I think his clamming up when asked is the same as saying, "Well what do you THINK? It sucks to hear this crap from either of you! Nothing more to say...". That's my translation.
From re-reading the extremely helpful, candid, and insightful posts to this thread (for which I will always be eternally grateful), it is clear I need to learn more about alcoholism. I am curious about the nature vs. nurture (genetic disposal vs. drinking oneself into alcoholism) or some combination thereof. The presumed fact that once the switch is flipped, it can't go off, or "once a pickle, never again a cucumber" is odd and interesting to me, and its something I think is worth learning more about. Or maybe its just a fact I need to recognize and/or accept in order to possibly support my wife, should she accept her problem and work to resolve it.
Lawyer call expected in the morning and another counseling session too. Should help me better formulate strategy for dealing with this.
As for the marriage, I am in it for the long haul unless wife shows signs of being completely "gone", as I cannot believe our son (the most important one here, IMO) would be better off with divorced parents than with ones who are just not very happy with one-another. I have heard a lot about this and most young adults wished the parents had stayed together, even if unhappy in marriage. I think the options are not good either way, but staying in seems better than splitting our child in half. Well, that's all thought for another day.
Hope the mothers here have had a deservedly nice day today
One last item that may or may not be anything: I have not touched a drop of alcohol this weekend b/c I decided to set an example or something. I did miss it - not need it, but missed it from a couple good meals and some "deck time". A red wine would've rocked with that grilled-out steak Saturday, and something with dinner tonight would have also been nice. BUT TO MY POINT: I told my wife at dinner - because she wondered why I ordered no wine at a place where we always get wine when we go there - that i had decided to stop. Said it was part of my new diet to lose my 25# middle-age-man gut. I was shocked to hear her say, "I think I will join you (on the 'wagon') tomorrow". Hmmm. . . . Could be a good lead in to, "Honey, this is great, and I want you to go even one step more..." or something like that.
Wonder how much skepticism that'll get here? Well, bring it on if you must. I'm just repeating what I heard and offering a possible position to take on my end...
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,663
Hi TheBob, when I was drinking I thought to myself often that I wanted to beat it, control it, just drink like others do. I tried this for years on and off, knowing full well it had gotten hold of me but would never admit it to myself.
I didn't like the thought of never being able to drink alcohol again. But, alas, I could not control it. That first drink led to many more including hidden stashes I had around the house!
It took a drastic argument with my husband for me and he walked out which left me stone cold sober. Yes, I drank for the rest of the day and drowned my sorrows and the next day I bought more booze. Then I realised, like a light bulb inside my head , that I didn't like me anymore, what I had become, fed up of being a slave to this drink, so I stopped. I didn't drink the booze I bought. We did reconcile.
I stopped because it was killing me and my relationships and was getting harder and harder to cover up. I would never have called myself an alcoholic but indeed the addiction had got me.
I understand what you and your wife are going through from both sides, my dad drank then I too drank.
I didn't like the thought of never being able to drink alcohol again. But, alas, I could not control it. That first drink led to many more including hidden stashes I had around the house!
It took a drastic argument with my husband for me and he walked out which left me stone cold sober. Yes, I drank for the rest of the day and drowned my sorrows and the next day I bought more booze. Then I realised, like a light bulb inside my head , that I didn't like me anymore, what I had become, fed up of being a slave to this drink, so I stopped. I didn't drink the booze I bought. We did reconcile.
I stopped because it was killing me and my relationships and was getting harder and harder to cover up. I would never have called myself an alcoholic but indeed the addiction had got me.
I understand what you and your wife are going through from both sides, my dad drank then I too drank.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Hi Bob,
I have tried the setting an example thing. It just made him hide his drinking more. He stopped drinking in front of me to save face, but he definitely did not stop drinking. He also became more resentful of me for making drinking harder, and that made his verbal abuse worse.
The problem as I see it with your attempt to set an example, is that it is also attempt to control her drinking. It seems like you probably know this and are braced for the comments.
I haven't read your entire thread. I hope I didn't overstep.
I have tried the setting an example thing. It just made him hide his drinking more. He stopped drinking in front of me to save face, but he definitely did not stop drinking. He also became more resentful of me for making drinking harder, and that made his verbal abuse worse.
The problem as I see it with your attempt to set an example, is that it is also attempt to control her drinking. It seems like you probably know this and are braced for the comments.
I haven't read your entire thread. I hope I didn't overstep.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As far as the potential effect of divorce on your son, it isn't just a matter of mom and dad being unhappy with each other--she is likely to become increasingly unreliable and "checked out" over time. She is also abusive and angry much of the time, and all of that DOES affect him--very directly. Nothing needs to be decided immediately, but don't take leaving off the table. And don't wait until it becomes utterly unbearable for another second, either. By then a lot of damage will have been done.
I'm glad you've decided not to drink around her. I don't know that it will set any kind of "example" she will follow, but it will be one less way of enabling or making it easier for her to drink.
And I have to comment on the "false allegations" articles. In my experience false allegations of abuse are very rare. They do happen, but not nearly with the frequency some of these articles suggest. There are MANY TIMES MORE situations where abuse is not reported, recanted (due to intimidation and other factors), or covered up by the victim and allies of the abuser. As in your situation, false allegations are more likely to be made by the abuser than by someone trying to get some kind of "advantage" in divorce/custody proceedings (which is usually what those articles try to suggest is common). The reason I mention it is that abusive men often point to those articles and many jurors (as well as family and friends of the victim) will disbelieve victims (often because the abuser is very charming and seemingly wonderful to everyone else) and assume she is making false allegations. Just wanted to set the record straight. I have seen a handful of cases out of the thousands in my career where I felt that someone was manipulating the system to her advantage. It looks like the article you linked to has more credibility than most, because it makes clear that false allegations are usually made by someone who is otherwise abusive. I think strictly tactical false allegations (where there is no history and it's just to gain an advantage in divorce/custody battles) are extremely rare.
I'm glad you've decided not to drink around her. I don't know that it will set any kind of "example" she will follow, but it will be one less way of enabling or making it easier for her to drink.
And I have to comment on the "false allegations" articles. In my experience false allegations of abuse are very rare. They do happen, but not nearly with the frequency some of these articles suggest. There are MANY TIMES MORE situations where abuse is not reported, recanted (due to intimidation and other factors), or covered up by the victim and allies of the abuser. As in your situation, false allegations are more likely to be made by the abuser than by someone trying to get some kind of "advantage" in divorce/custody proceedings (which is usually what those articles try to suggest is common). The reason I mention it is that abusive men often point to those articles and many jurors (as well as family and friends of the victim) will disbelieve victims (often because the abuser is very charming and seemingly wonderful to everyone else) and assume she is making false allegations. Just wanted to set the record straight. I have seen a handful of cases out of the thousands in my career where I felt that someone was manipulating the system to her advantage. It looks like the article you linked to has more credibility than most, because it makes clear that false allegations are usually made by someone who is otherwise abusive. I think strictly tactical false allegations (where there is no history and it's just to gain an advantage in divorce/custody battles) are extremely rare.
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Hello Bob,
I really am sorry for all that your family is going through. I will never tell you what you should do as far as your marriage is concerned, and hope that someday your wife will decide to lead a sober life and get the help she needs.
If you ever have any question about the impact your current family situation is having on your son, please do not hesitate to read our Adult Children of Addicts and Alcoholics forum. This forum is filled with posts made by people, now adults, who have grown up in a family similar to yours.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You and your son and wife will be in my prayers.
I really am sorry for all that your family is going through. I will never tell you what you should do as far as your marriage is concerned, and hope that someday your wife will decide to lead a sober life and get the help she needs.
If you ever have any question about the impact your current family situation is having on your son, please do not hesitate to read our Adult Children of Addicts and Alcoholics forum. This forum is filled with posts made by people, now adults, who have grown up in a family similar to yours.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You and your son and wife will be in my prayers.
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I also would not tell you what to do with your marriage and second Seren's advice to read through the ACOA section regarding what it is like to be a child in an alcoholic home.
Not all children wish that their parents would stay together. You will see that repeatedly in that section - my 51 year old husband would give his left leg if his parents would divorce as they have always been, and still are miserable together (there is no alcoholism or addiction they just hate each other). I do not in anyway doubt your belief that your son is better off with both of you together, but understand he WILL be affected by your wife's alcoholism no matter how much he loves her or she him. He will be affected by the dysfunction in your relationship. It is better to come from a broken home than live in one.
Nature vs. Nurture - I certainly have put some thought into it - why is my husband an alcoholic and his brother is not.? Why is he an alcoholic when his parents aren't nor were they ever big drinkers. Is it just genetic? Was he destined to be alcoholic from the minute he first drank? Did he become an alcoholic to deal with his unsavory childhood? It is interesting to wade through it but in truth it doesn't matter why. He just is. The pathway to being one or becoming one nets the same results. IMO doesn't change one damn thing about his treatment, vulnerability, or actions. An alcoholic by any other name or situation is still just an alcoholic.
Not all children wish that their parents would stay together. You will see that repeatedly in that section - my 51 year old husband would give his left leg if his parents would divorce as they have always been, and still are miserable together (there is no alcoholism or addiction they just hate each other). I do not in anyway doubt your belief that your son is better off with both of you together, but understand he WILL be affected by your wife's alcoholism no matter how much he loves her or she him. He will be affected by the dysfunction in your relationship. It is better to come from a broken home than live in one.
Nature vs. Nurture - I certainly have put some thought into it - why is my husband an alcoholic and his brother is not.? Why is he an alcoholic when his parents aren't nor were they ever big drinkers. Is it just genetic? Was he destined to be alcoholic from the minute he first drank? Did he become an alcoholic to deal with his unsavory childhood? It is interesting to wade through it but in truth it doesn't matter why. He just is. The pathway to being one or becoming one nets the same results. IMO doesn't change one damn thing about his treatment, vulnerability, or actions. An alcoholic by any other name or situation is still just an alcoholic.
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I am an adult child and a cliche. I also became an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was 7 but my dad is an alcoholic and my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. I have two younger sisters one who uses food instead of dealing with her feelings, had a drinking problem that she holds tight control over now, hoarding tendencies, shopping issues and married a man who has had drug and alcohol problems. My baby sister has tricisilomania( unsure of spelling), she is also a chronic liar, has grandiose tendencies, steals and married a man with bipolar disorder and a former drug and alcohol problem.
My family is a living example of the wide spread issues that can result from a dysfunctional childhood. While it may be a bit extreme it's also pretty common.
My family is a living example of the wide spread issues that can result from a dysfunctional childhood. While it may be a bit extreme it's also pretty common.
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Bob, I know right now you are focused on her behaviors and your son's behaviors.
What about Bob?
Are there things about you that could change in order for you to be more secure and calm? Do you spend all of your time now trying to be one step ahead of your wife? I think when I spend time being afraid of the future I forget about right now.
If you are committed to staying with her at this time, why spend so much time delving into her possible future behavior? Why not build a good life for you and your son? If she's drinking, make a plan to get out of the house and do something fun. Maybe by excluding her drinking from the family, you and your son will have a better life.
I would not worry so much about what "might" happen. Make today a good day, find ways to detach from her when she drinks.
Or, maybe she really will quit today
I've said a prayer. I truly hope she does.
What about Bob?
Are there things about you that could change in order for you to be more secure and calm? Do you spend all of your time now trying to be one step ahead of your wife? I think when I spend time being afraid of the future I forget about right now.
If you are committed to staying with her at this time, why spend so much time delving into her possible future behavior? Why not build a good life for you and your son? If she's drinking, make a plan to get out of the house and do something fun. Maybe by excluding her drinking from the family, you and your son will have a better life.
I would not worry so much about what "might" happen. Make today a good day, find ways to detach from her when she drinks.
Or, maybe she really will quit today
I've said a prayer. I truly hope she does.
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Bimini said, "If you are committed to staying with her at this time, why spend so much time delving into her possible future behavior?"
Bimini, concern over future behavior is to help me figure out if continued "commitment" is the best option.
(TIME: I GOTTA GO!) lol
Bimini, concern over future behavior is to help me figure out if continued "commitment" is the best option.
(TIME: I GOTTA GO!) lol
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Bob, I know right now you are focused on her behaviors and your son's behaviors...
... find ways to detach from her when she drinks.
.
... find ways to detach from her when she drinks.
.
To the quote that I hope shows above: My wife makes dinner every night.... always and without fail. Her 'drinking time' is while she cooks (her favorite thing to do). So this means that if I tried to "detach" while she drinks, it would mean detaching every evening while the family is together. I have done this on some level for a long time and it is one of her "issues" with me. "You completely disregard me!" is essentially what she has charged in many an argument. "Indeed I do - when you act foolish due to drinking" is the basis of my response/position.
So what we are left with is Dad and son interacting most of the days after school and in the evenings. Mom is left out - which honestly, I think she prefers (the main source of angst in our home since we had a child). If she goes light on the booze or has an evening of greater clarity than usual for whatever reason, she jumps in and finds herself being a "third wheel". That is, of course, upsetting to her at times. Sometimes she forces herself, issuing commands as if we haven't been getting along fine without her all this time. That's the way of our days.
So, as wise as the advice is to kinda move to the sidelines when she is drinking, what that means is maintaining status quo and then having to suffer the consequences.
So, you see, I guess my life and family is so screwed up that simply posting to a site dedicated to "sober recovery" is but a drop in the bucket as regards 'what about Bob'? Not whining or asking for sympathy; just kinda realizing what a convoluted mess this has all become, and that my initial post of being 'falsely accused' is a mere symptom of so much more. If nothing else , this dialogue has allowed me to lay it all out and see it more clearly via others' advice and wisdom and my responses to it all. And now I have place to reference it all when it gets muddled up in my mind or if I ever need some clarity if we ever get to counseling and if I ever get to discuss it with a sober, clear-thinking wife. if, if, if...
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