dandylion

O.K., Bob.....I guess I owe you $1O.OO, now, don't I?

Can I get some credit.....can you put it on my bill.....?

dandylion

TheBob1

"My ABF is very difficult to tell when he's drunk and until the creepy reptilian look comes on, he seems just fine.[/QUOTE]

I hear ya (well, maybe not about the reptilian look - sounds scary!)

I don't always know if/when my wife has been drinking, as it is not as cut and dry as with many. Its not that she suddenly gets wasted or just goes on a binge. Very subtle - unless she has been drinking a lot.

Would you believe it was about 12-13 years ago I thought she may have sustained some brain damage from concentrated exposure to a pesticide that gave her a whopping headache for a while. But that coincides with a time in our lives where stress was maxing out, so all these years later wonder if the "stupidity" was always been the drinking (and "coincidentally", you could almost set your watch to our evening arguments. Yes, the poor proverbial frog has been on a slow simmer for a very very long time, it would seem.

TheBob1

Consider it paid off for services rendered - thanks for directing me to an interesting place.

firebolt

It is scary - basically, their eyes start playing tug of war with each other and you just realize no one is home

TheBob1

UPDATE:

FInally had a little "discussion" last night. Wife claims (quack!) that I had promised to make the appt. to look into treatment program. If so, I take full responsibility - its just not how I had understood the way we left things, but with the way we communicate, anything is possible. Of course after a couple or so weeks, she never thought to ask if I had ever made an appt. I suppose she is not exactly looking fwd. to it, but despite all the advice to the contrary here and elsewhere that it has to be the alcoholic who wants to do it, I did manage to get from her that she "wants" me to set it up. Yes, its odd she "can't" just pick up the phone herself and do it, so I will; But given this "start", I don't foresee her embracing recovery - at least not for a long long time if ever.

Not referring to our to marriage here, but she is not one to hold to commitments - especially those requiring long-term work on her behalf. But we'll get something arranged soon (we have a big trip involving an event that will be dripping in alcohol coming up next week), so it will be interesting to see how this "let's start once we get back" goes. Translation: "I can (quack) put this off (quack) even longer...


quack".

I just picked up some prescriptions for her - two being of the anti-depressant (one an anti-convulsant). Assume both are for depression, but isn't that one of the worst things to mix with alcohol - even if taken at bedtime?

And she calls me a druggie (quack) b/c I take an occasional valium (usually a half of a single low-dose pill) for sleep or, under certain circumstances, anxiety.

PS - I don't recall who suggested that I abstain from drinking simply "as a positive example/role model" and maybe other reasons back when I started this marathon thread. As much as it felt like an imposition on my life to be the one to give up something (or should I say something ELSE), it made enough sense and was small enough - not to mention healthy - change for me that I went ahead and did it. Like my diet (down almost 30 pounds and close to goal weight!!!), I have been and remain "all-in" on this.

So, just to let you guys know, I am proud to announce not having had as much as a beer or glass of wine in +/- two months! Another 'plus', aside from my feeling better, is that it is now easier to observe the ins and outs of alcohol in the home. If it comes in, it ain't mine. If it goes out, it wasn't me who consumed it. I LOVE SIMPLICITY!

firebolt

The healthy changes are GREAT for you. It would be hard for me to sit idly by and indulging in unhealthy habits while my partner was really working on getting themselves healthy...but that's me...and I am not an alcoholic.

Really really hoping the best for you both!

TheBob1

Hi - - Just checking in.

No big news to report, just more busyness in our lives and "staying the course" - wife continues to try (pretend?) to go the route of moderation but has said she will go to a treatment place I suggested for an initial appt./interview - - Once I set up an appt. Apparently she is unable to do it herself (maybe she wants to be able to blame me if it doesn't work out, doesn't want to do it (likely) and/or maybe its something less sinister - - We do sometimes schedule things for one another if one of us drags our feet too long... We HAVE been married a long time and know each other's tendency toward procrastination.)

Yet another event this sumer - we head out of town for a wedding. A bit odd for me, having been asked to stand as honorary father and yet the "biological father" will be there as well. He was abusive to the Mom (my sister) or the bride, so I am just jumping for joy at THIS opportunity (not!). What a soap opera episode in the making - LOL! And what a great excuse to drink - wonderful. I still haven't had a drop and am feeling as if I may not want to drink again - even for occasional refreshment or special occasion. Will nurse a glass of champagne, but its amazing how after this much time I DO NOT MISS the feeling. This is where I was in my head when I met my wife who turned me on to the joys of the wine industry and back to alcohol having a more prominent or at least frequent place in my life (when we met, I had a bottle of wine that had been on my kitchen counter for several months). I would have drinks or beers with old chums once in a while or a couple with co-workers on a Friday. But I am now back to the point of NOT missing the drowsiness, feeling dragged down by something (a 55 year-old body does that on its own!), etc...

So off we go tomorrow for this journey/drama/party/reunion with the man who abused my late sister... Wish me luck ;-) If anything, I may have a story or two to tell upon return - but hope not. Hope to only say "It was okay" and "We have an appt. at a rehab center".

Best to you all!!

hopeful4

Morning Bob!

I hope you have a very uneventful and safe trip! I know what you mean about not drinking. After my XAH went to rehab and was in the pit of drinking, it almost made me literally sick to even smell it. We have been apart for 1.5 yrs and I can now have a drink or two, but that is it. And I can definitely do without that.

I am glad she has an appointment, that can only be a positive!!

Have a nice time, try to get some much deserved R&R!

TheBob1

Thanks! Don't know if R&R will be part of it, but will try and make it as happy as possible for the bride - she really deserves it :-) I'll just be relieved - and maybe even have to guzzle a glass of champagne - once I give a toast at the rehearsal dinner, as I have a completely irrational fear of speaking before groups. Hopefully with this being family and a celebration, it will be more natural and comfortable - fingers crossed!).

Thinking positive for the future....

TheBob1

Wow - long time... 11 days, it would seem.

Travel, wedding (etc.) all went okay.

Finally had appt. with alc treatment ctr Friday morning and director fell sick and all others on vacation. Perfect. So we have a new appt. Monday; Then, lord willin', we'll go on a nice trip (the 3 of us), so "treatment" surely won't start soon. Maybe the program/center will make enough of an impression so as not to scare her away from returning for help after initial meeting. I almost wonder if it would be better not to go till we get back so she doesn't have time to think it over and back out of any future commitments. I think maybe they like to get you in right away - strike while the iron is hot, so to speak.

I have 36 hours to back out or re-schedule. Anyone think I should?

Seconding my second thoughts... While she is willing to go, I need to just go, and let chips fall where they may going fwd. Better than risking a complete change of heart (meeting someone to discuss) after vacation....

ladyscribbler

Do you have a boundary in mind if she refuses to go to treatment?

TheBob1

Actually and quite honestly - no.

Any suggestions? In my own thinking the only thing I want if she doesn't DO anything is to kick her out - which is extreme, probably not feasible or legal, but oftentimes what I would prefer. Mostly just b/c of the aloofness toward her role as a Mom and "protection" of her habit (which I always thought was just part of who she was - not a very enthusiastic (or maybe lazy) Mom). Its more about preserving the way of life she has squatted in on here - squatter's rights seeming to be the appropriate description of her position in this life and house and family.

But I digress, sorry. But honestly, some suggestion for a direction to head in putting in some boundary would be useful if you or anyone else wants to chime in.

I'm still struggling to differentiate the term "boundary" from "rules with consequences". Are they not the same only with different names or perspectives?

Refiner

A boundary is for you. A rule w/consequence is a form of you controlling HER. YOUR boundary = I choose not to be in the same house as you if you choose to drink (you may have to be the one to leave if she won't, though) As opposed to a "rule" for HER = you will not drink in this house. The boundary is something you can control. And it is for you, not her.

dandylion

Bob1.....given the tone of your feelings about your wife....I think that filing for separation would be the direction that I would go in if I were in your shoes.

Honestly, I don't hear anything that approaches respect, or trust, when you speak of her. Now I didn't just fall of the turnip truck---I know very well that anger, and expressions of anger can be used to cover over deeper, more sensitive hurt feelings-----so, I know that that is possibly where you are coming from at this stage of the chronic unhappiness that you speak of.
I suppose that remains to be seen, as you each pour over the rubble of your marriage....
In any case...whichever scenario---perhaps a period of legal separatioin for a significant amount of time----time enough for each of you to sort yourselves out in whatever way you choose.....before final dispositions are made. I would say---one year at the very minimum....
Definitely, you both need a program of help and self-assessment and development. In my opinion, it is best done separately. Living together in early recovery can be a misery that ordinary words cannot describe. Best not put your child through this.
A legal separation establishes clear "rules" for the family members to live by---and thereby is more clear and less conflicted for the child.

I see this as a possibility that is the best for everybody involved.

Bob----you ASKED for suggestions----so, this is my "offering".......lol!

dandylion

LexieCat

Rather than "timing" this visit with the treatment center so she won't change her mind, maybe this is a good litmus test of her willingness. From everything you've said I get the impression she is going through the motions to get you off her back and so she can claim that she "did something."

My prediction (not infallible by any means) is that she will make a token gesture and you will be right back where you started--with a drunk wife who makes your and your son's home life unpleasant.

I sense you are still in "fix-it" mode. Personally, I think a more promising strategy is to decide how you want your life (and your son's life) to look and start taking steps toward making that a reality. She can come along or not. If she doesn't, you keep moving toward your good life anyway. I think ultimately that will be more likely to bring about a happy outcome for you and your son (and for her, if she chooses), than trying to force the square peg into the round hole.

You have the appointment, I'd keep it. If she comes up with more excuses then that is a pretty strong indication she isn't interested in changing.

Refiner

What Lexie said. Nothing changes if nothing changes. She's probably placating you with mere words. Look to her actions. And then make your next steps based on them.

TheBob1

Thanks . Somehow not holding onto that concept here - or maybe to be more precise, not embracing it.

TheBob1

I am certain you are not the only one here thinking this (including consideration by me) - and you laid out a very intelligent (not just emotional) case; thank you. As you may know, I am trying to avoid that route, but just don't know which is worse for our son. The remaining critical years of developing as an adult under an unhappy marriage or a divided home with an unhappy and maybe even more contentious marriage. Not having just fallen off the turnip truck, I'm sure you also know that "amicable" plays little or no role in a separation such as in our situation.

And "legal separation" - key word 'legal' - means someone else is involved in making and enforcing the rules of my personal life. NOOOOO. I might regret saying this later (as in, 'never say never'), but my position now and throughout my years has been and is that I'll die before some governing authority lays out the rules of my personal life, especially as regards my family/child.

The idea of dealing with recovery as you alluded is almost worth dealing with cocktail hour every night till our son leaves for greener pastures.

sighhhhhhhhh

TheBob1

Indeed.

Honestly not sure about the appeasing part, but I guess time will tell. She has pined for the "old days", so maybe she really has had enough of the sneaking and keeping to strict habits and such - - or maybe she has become so comfy with it all, its an accepted and perfectly fine way of life. Again, we'll see soon enough. As always, heartfelt thanks for the input.

TheBob1

Amen. funny, I just had a conversation with wifey about words vs. action (not a lecture, mind you, but discussion during which she asked for my input about an implied commitment she made quite lightly for which another "less fortunate" soul (mildly 'impaired') could be hurt).

I may not make a ton of firm commitments in life, but only because when I do, I am aware of the responsibility of keeping them, to the extent possible (marriage and fatherhood being a couple quick and easy examples).

15 hours till mtg. WIll be back to "discuss" outcome. Prayers and good thoughts welcome