I Left the Chaos

Old 11-25-2015, 07:17 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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So, Thanksgiving is coming up. I know in my head that I am thankful for the progress I've made in fixing my life after giving up my ex, alcohol, and drugs. It's been 7 months since my last drink and 7 months since I left my ex. I'm grateful for this forum and everyone that has helped me along the way. I'm grateful for my higher power for leading me out of the fog. I'm grateful for being alive and not in jail.

I know I still have work to do because it's the holidays, and I'm missing my ex terribly. I spent two Thanksgivings with her, and it's hard not having her here. My new girlfriend will be coming to meet the family, but this relationship has been long distance. It's hard being alone, and I miss the good times I had with my ex. I'm glad that I haven't heard from her, but I'm sad at the same time because I feel abandoned. I feel abandoned and sad because she chose to drink and use instead of asking for help. I feel neglected because the alcohol, promiscuity, and drugs were more important to her than fighting for us. She said she wanted to work things out, but she didn't want to do the work required to work it out.

I'm sorry, but I just had to get this out. It's been a really rough two weeks.
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Old 11-25-2015, 08:53 PM
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Noinsanity, you dodged quite a bullet.

I think most of us, even when we left a desperately bad situation, have moments of regret. Especially around the holidays. What I try to remember is that, yes there were good times, and it is okay to remember and cherish them. And it is even better that I am free to lead the healthy happy life I want and have worked so hard to create.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, and to your new memories and traditions.

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Old 11-25-2015, 08:59 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hope you can have a nice holiday.

Do you think maybe it's a little soon to be jumping into a new relationship when you are still getting over the last one?
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Old 11-25-2015, 10:13 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Hope you can have a nice holiday.

Do you think maybe it's a little soon to be jumping into a new relationship when you are still getting over the last one?
I do think I may have jumped the gun a little with this one. I wanted to attract better, and I wanted to just say that I moved on. At the time, a few months back, I felt okay. It was probably too soon, but we have enough space to keep working on ourselves. It's long distance, and she knows I'm still working on myself. I don't talk to her about the ex at all, and I don't want to know about hers. It's not like this all the time. It's just hard because I'm used to my girlfriend being around all the time instead of in my phone. And somehow I still feel some guilt and remorse over the last one.
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Old 01-12-2016, 11:39 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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It's a journey, and it didn't start there.

Hi everyone!

I'm back again after a long hiatus. I got really bogged down with the end of the semester, holidays, and some depression that I've been fighting. It's been almost 9 months since I left my alcoholic and abusive fiancé. I finally got around to writing more in my inventory, and I discovered something really interesting.
The crazy discovery I made was a memory that I had completely forgotten. It was a missing piece of a puzzle that appeared only when I started writing about the person. I discovered that my first codependent abusive relationship was actually to a childhood friend, and it started as early as I can remember (about 5). The abuse started probably when I was 8 or 9. Anyway, the pattern started with him, and I carried that same pattern into other unhealthy relationships, such as my ex and the person that introduced me to alcohol and the party lifestyle. I had a memory of my childhood friend ripping my hair and shoving me (causing me to break my wrist) when I was 12 or 13. I had completely forgotten about it. My mom said I told her that I fell, but I was clearly lying to cover for him. I lied for him on other occasions to keep him out of trouble and usually joined him in reckless behavior. He would also flip flop a lot like my ex in that he would be my best friend when we would hang out alone, but he also would humiliate me and make fun of me in front of my friends. He also made fun of my friends when they were introduced. Sometimes, he would hit me too hard when we were playing around, and he would keep doing it even if I asked him to stop. I'm not sure what was most damaging to me, but he also humiliated me sexually once when we were at his house at a sleepover in middle school.
Here, we have physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. The pattern repeated itself with my ex. It seems to me that everything starts somewhere, so that's what led me to accepting the unacceptable from someone who said they loved me yet acted the complete opposite.
At any rate, there has been no word from the ex, and things are progressing well with the new healthy one. She seems to respect my boundaries and fears about drinking, and she has no desire ever to get drunk lol. As for myself, I made it through the holidays, and my last drink was 4/30/2015.
I hope this encourages someone on step 4 to look really really far back and to realize that the relationship that got them into Al-Anon or the recovery program may not be the only toxic abusive one. It may just be the last stop on a journey of unhealthy ones.
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Old 01-13-2016, 08:40 AM
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Wholly progress!! You sound great, and thank you for the insight!
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Old 01-13-2016, 08:45 AM
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Great post (#25). It was also my experience to have a bullying first friend at age six through ten. We went to school together all the way from 1-12. I just learned to stay away from her after a few years. She lived on the same street, too.

She recently found me on facebook (well, a few years ago now) and tried to reconnect. I was really aware of the past and did not reply to her message. Once a bully always a bully. (?) I don't know if that's true, but I wasn't about to find out.

I'm glad you are finding your peace.
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Old 01-13-2016, 09:32 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by noinsanity2423 View Post
I hope this encourages someone on step 4 to look really really far back and to realize that the relationship that got them into Al-Anon or the recovery program may not be the only toxic abusive one. It may just be the last stop on a journey of unhealthy ones.
This rings really true for me also, noinsanity. Some time ago, I was thinking of all the "significant other"-type relationships I've ever had. I was stunned to realize that every single one was, at the very least, dysfunctional, and in most cases, abusive to at least some extent. One after another, I'd picked emotionally unavailable men who then went on to lie to me, belittle me and often financially abuse me also. One after another, I found these guys, knocked myself out to make myself attractive to them, turned my life upside down to make them happy, and then was left w/nothing when they eventually moved on to greener pastures (XAH being the exception; HE stuck around and would likely be here still b/c I was such a great match for him, dysfunctionally...).

From the age of maybe 15 to now, 55. It was a HUGE revelation for me. Having that knowledge and perspective has been vital as I try to see my way forward. This time, it really IS gonna be different!

Thanks for this post. I think that realizing that what is happening w/any of us at any given time is part of a much, much bigger pattern is really important. We can't learn to break it until we understand there IS one...
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