I guess I am not ready yet
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
I guess I am not ready yet
So I met a guy a few weeks ago. He seemed so sweet, was very charming, and quite handsome. I broke my rules and boundaries- can see now I was still engaging in my Coda ways. I cooked for him, slept with him, and tried to keep my expectations reasonable. However in just the few weeks, I was becoming uncomfortable with the level of emotional intimacy that seemed to be sprouting. It didn't sit well, you know?
We had plans on Sunday that he could not keep. No problem. Except, I didn't find out that our plans were a no go until I reached out to him. Still, I tried to be cool and not overreact...trying not to be controlling and accept that things happen out of our control. But then he made plans for Wednesday and broke them by telling me he was likely working that night...no recognition that working would change our plans. There I saw a pattern- breaking plans without respecting me enough to acknowledge it like an adult. I expressed my concerns through text message since he couldn't talk and he said he would call me in the evening, because it sounded to him like I really didn't want "this". I did want "this" if that meant dating someone who showed up on time, called when plans changed, and someone who didn't show up at my house empty handed...writing all of this, I can see how I was engaging in something that wasn't very respectful to me. So, I guess I am not ready yet. Even though I am getting better, I still don't know how to choose a man who will truly respect me and I don't know how to respect myself in a romantic relationship yet. By the way, not only did he not call in the evening, he didn't answer my calls either.
Healing and getting healthy are hard challenges. Sometimes I want to just jump ahead to a place where everything is good. I am thankful though that I could see my mistakes and recognize that his treatment of me was not acceptable. There wasn't a lot of drama, just me asserting my wants and needs and expressing my concerns. If he isn't able to speak with me and deal with my boundaries and expectations, then fine.
We had plans on Sunday that he could not keep. No problem. Except, I didn't find out that our plans were a no go until I reached out to him. Still, I tried to be cool and not overreact...trying not to be controlling and accept that things happen out of our control. But then he made plans for Wednesday and broke them by telling me he was likely working that night...no recognition that working would change our plans. There I saw a pattern- breaking plans without respecting me enough to acknowledge it like an adult. I expressed my concerns through text message since he couldn't talk and he said he would call me in the evening, because it sounded to him like I really didn't want "this". I did want "this" if that meant dating someone who showed up on time, called when plans changed, and someone who didn't show up at my house empty handed...writing all of this, I can see how I was engaging in something that wasn't very respectful to me. So, I guess I am not ready yet. Even though I am getting better, I still don't know how to choose a man who will truly respect me and I don't know how to respect myself in a romantic relationship yet. By the way, not only did he not call in the evening, he didn't answer my calls either.
Healing and getting healthy are hard challenges. Sometimes I want to just jump ahead to a place where everything is good. I am thankful though that I could see my mistakes and recognize that his treatment of me was not acceptable. There wasn't a lot of drama, just me asserting my wants and needs and expressing my concerns. If he isn't able to speak with me and deal with my boundaries and expectations, then fine.
I hope to be there someday too
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
T- don't be so hard on yourself. You see it and have walked away. It's not about not choosing a jerk, it's about jerks happen and you choosing YOURSELF! you did that. No one has a crystal ball and jerks don't come with a warning label on their forehead. Delete his number and say "next!" Like the guy at the deli counter!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
There is a big difference between sex and intimacy.
Quite certain it takes more than a couple of weeks to share and feel a confidence about each other.
Not to be insensitive to your situation, but I can't help asking, did you really believe sleeping with someone after just knowing him a few weeks, would truly have a different outcome?
When the neighbors are out of town I feed their dog, i certainly have zero expectation that anything will develop out of that situation.
Only you can raise the bar for yourself here. ( And I am saying this in sincere gentleness.)
Quite certain it takes more than a couple of weeks to share and feel a confidence about each other.
Not to be insensitive to your situation, but I can't help asking, did you really believe sleeping with someone after just knowing him a few weeks, would truly have a different outcome?
When the neighbors are out of town I feed their dog, i certainly have zero expectation that anything will develop out of that situation.
Only you can raise the bar for yourself here. ( And I am saying this in sincere gentleness.)
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by marie1960 
did you really believe sleeping with someone after just knowing him a few weeks, would truly have a different outcome?
There is no reason why your beliefs on the appropriate time that should elapse before sleeping with someone you're dating should apply to everyone else.
Everyone's timeline is different, and passing judgement on others timeline is not in the spirit of these boards.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I truly am not casting any moral judgement, too much, too soon, is not going to have the result anyone is searching for.
it's kind of like painting a room, if you do not do all the prep, washing, sanding, priming, taping off the moulding, the finished product is going to be flawed, and while it may look ok by candlelight, the sunshine comes out, and all the imperfections are everywhere you look. You can either say oh well good enough, I will just live with it, or go get the ladder and start over, sanding the bad spots, knowing if you had just slowed down and took more time, you wouldn't be backtracking.
Maybe not the best example, and sorry if it came across that way, certainly not meaning to offend.
it's kind of like painting a room, if you do not do all the prep, washing, sanding, priming, taping off the moulding, the finished product is going to be flawed, and while it may look ok by candlelight, the sunshine comes out, and all the imperfections are everywhere you look. You can either say oh well good enough, I will just live with it, or go get the ladder and start over, sanding the bad spots, knowing if you had just slowed down and took more time, you wouldn't be backtracking.
Maybe not the best example, and sorry if it came across that way, certainly not meaning to offend.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I get you Marie. It's not a matter of morals. Its about mindfulness rather than mind games. It's a matter of going in eyes wide open and taking the time to see the new relationship as it is not what we want it to be. One of the Codie behaviors is attaching too quickly and feeling an intense intamacy after very short periods of time. Most times its feeling an attachment that the other person doesn't.
Maybe some people can give just their bodies, but Codie's give their body, mind and soul. That is the part that takes months or years to get back. As T said, she broke her own rules and boundaries and was going Coda, but caught it. No man will respect our boundaries until we respect our boundaries. She put him ahead of her recovery. Thank heavens not to any real damaging degree. But it is a wake up call. Maybe with a bit more time, his character and intentions would have been more revealed.
Maybe some people can give just their bodies, but Codie's give their body, mind and soul. That is the part that takes months or years to get back. As T said, she broke her own rules and boundaries and was going Coda, but caught it. No man will respect our boundaries until we respect our boundaries. She put him ahead of her recovery. Thank heavens not to any real damaging degree. But it is a wake up call. Maybe with a bit more time, his character and intentions would have been more revealed.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
[QUOTE="marie1960;5342574"]When the neighbors are out of town I feed their dog, i certainly have zero expectation that anything will develop out of that situation. Ok I do not know if you meant that funny, but I literally laughed out loud!!! Perfect analogy! And I agree about the time frame with sleeping with someone. In my 20's I would have done that. But whenever I did, it never lasted. Men want to do the chasing. If you give them "the milk for free" so early, they will wonder who else has had that free milk so easily! No one will respect us if we don't respect ourselves!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
You are learning and growing from each experience you have as you recover. Just chalk it all up to a life lesson learned and move on. I got involved with someone too quickly recently and almost slept with him but I knew that something wasn't right. I held him off, took a step back after date number 3 (Yeah, this guy was moving way too fast), and analyzed my behavior and his. I saw that he was quite needy and that he had a few red flags(no addiction issues but just emotional issues and I found out he lied about being divorced). So, I quickly cut things off with him and walked away. A long time ago I wouldn't have been able to do that because I'd have already started living in denial and accepting unacceptable table scraps just for the attention or praise.
Awareness is key. Being aware of not just who you are but who other people are and seeing red flags as they appear and not just turning a red flag into a yellow flag into a green flag. Yet, also, don't turn a green flag into a red flag. I almost did that with this guy I'm casually dating now. No red flags whatsoever(well, not yet anyway). He is respectful, kind, responsible for his life, loves his kids like crazy, etc. Yet, I kept wanting to find reasons to walk away from him or make up reasons why he shouldn't want to be with me. My own crazy started getting in my head and trying to mess me up. And, again, it came down to being aware that I was doing it and working on putting a stop to it. So, when he called for a last minute meet up last night I decided to put aside my fears and insecurities and just go. We are taking things super slow, getting to know each other, etc. It finally dawned on me that the needy guys I usually am attracted to are the ones that bring dysfunction and crazy into my life. This guy has no crazy so it's harder for me to comprehend what 'normal' looks like because I've never really seen normal, LOL. I mean, what the heck is that anyway?
There is no rush for recovery. One day at a time and sometimes we fall back into old patterns. It's all OK because each lesson is exactly as it's supposed to be and we learn from the accumulation of failures and successes. Sending you lots of support today! HUGS!
Awareness is key. Being aware of not just who you are but who other people are and seeing red flags as they appear and not just turning a red flag into a yellow flag into a green flag. Yet, also, don't turn a green flag into a red flag. I almost did that with this guy I'm casually dating now. No red flags whatsoever(well, not yet anyway). He is respectful, kind, responsible for his life, loves his kids like crazy, etc. Yet, I kept wanting to find reasons to walk away from him or make up reasons why he shouldn't want to be with me. My own crazy started getting in my head and trying to mess me up. And, again, it came down to being aware that I was doing it and working on putting a stop to it. So, when he called for a last minute meet up last night I decided to put aside my fears and insecurities and just go. We are taking things super slow, getting to know each other, etc. It finally dawned on me that the needy guys I usually am attracted to are the ones that bring dysfunction and crazy into my life. This guy has no crazy so it's harder for me to comprehend what 'normal' looks like because I've never really seen normal, LOL. I mean, what the heck is that anyway?
There is no rush for recovery. One day at a time and sometimes we fall back into old patterns. It's all OK because each lesson is exactly as it's supposed to be and we learn from the accumulation of failures and successes. Sending you lots of support today! HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all maybe advice from an Old Lady and a kid of the 1970's.. when I went thro divorce and found that there were two ways to look at things.. mmm I said.. so men have the pick and take our phone number and toss us like used tissue paper.. mmm.. so for 9 years I had a ball. . I was the one that did the pick of the scene and I was the one that said the next morning phone number why kiddo you were good for the night but your not a long haul type.. nope don't need your number.. but then back in the 1980's things were not as dicey as they are now..
I belonged to a huge group of busines singles.. and we had some great parties and times.. the ladies dressed in the best evening dresses and gents all in suits or tux.. yep. had a great group of ladies that would say.. toss Ardy out there have her scout the field.. I would come back with who to dance with and who would be dancing with other men... ekkekekeke
one New Years Eve just as the clock was striking 12 I looked around the room and found a great looking guy in tux near a huge mirror all by himself.. in one movement this vampire was on him and solid in the mirror laid such a kiss on him.. pulled away looked at him hard and said have a great 1990 and I was gone gone gone.. hahahah funny part .. even now after all these years. I run into him every so often.. he gets the strangest look on his face . like what should I remember... haahaha
Ladies dating now is so much different then any other time. and what you want is what has been programed into you as a child.. and sit down and be still a minute We were Lied to.. yep... there is no Cleaver families or Lucy with aprons and cookies and nice homes and hubbies that take care of you.. this come from the lady in the snow with a car staled and she is going thro a huge field to find a phone for AAA to come and help .. and having to go back to the freeway in the snow and high heels to sit on top of the car so they can find the stalled car.. I do it all bills money repair cooking cleaning sewing and have had my babies.. husbands or boyfriends sorry guys out there. but my hubby puts trash on top of the kitchen can funny he has not figured out how to open drop something in and close.. much else take out the full bag and put in the big trash container outside... but will pile it up in the kitchen.. I come home from work and start dinner clean kitchen clean bathrooms make the bed and start wash.. what is the hubby doing all day cartoons computer and becoming upset with how the world is going.. and no I am not just bitching about my hubby .. but Men really why do we have the babies .. because we are the Moms... and good Moms or Women rock the cradle and balance the world most of the time...
so Babe you need to have the opinion like men .. find a guy for the evening use him like tissue paper and toss .. find one that is great for a laugh one that is good for dinner one that is good for chatter one that is good for movies.. for the One that you were told would take care of you forever was a Fairy Tale.. yep just a Fairy Tale.. sorry Ed has had a bad couple of days with his meds and the news is something that he gets upset with.. me Love my job why cause it is a Fairy Tale place that I can go to and stay for 6 hours that is some what sane... ekkekekek sorry all Ardy
I belonged to a huge group of busines singles.. and we had some great parties and times.. the ladies dressed in the best evening dresses and gents all in suits or tux.. yep. had a great group of ladies that would say.. toss Ardy out there have her scout the field.. I would come back with who to dance with and who would be dancing with other men... ekkekekeke
one New Years Eve just as the clock was striking 12 I looked around the room and found a great looking guy in tux near a huge mirror all by himself.. in one movement this vampire was on him and solid in the mirror laid such a kiss on him.. pulled away looked at him hard and said have a great 1990 and I was gone gone gone.. hahahah funny part .. even now after all these years. I run into him every so often.. he gets the strangest look on his face . like what should I remember... haahaha
Ladies dating now is so much different then any other time. and what you want is what has been programed into you as a child.. and sit down and be still a minute We were Lied to.. yep... there is no Cleaver families or Lucy with aprons and cookies and nice homes and hubbies that take care of you.. this come from the lady in the snow with a car staled and she is going thro a huge field to find a phone for AAA to come and help .. and having to go back to the freeway in the snow and high heels to sit on top of the car so they can find the stalled car.. I do it all bills money repair cooking cleaning sewing and have had my babies.. husbands or boyfriends sorry guys out there. but my hubby puts trash on top of the kitchen can funny he has not figured out how to open drop something in and close.. much else take out the full bag and put in the big trash container outside... but will pile it up in the kitchen.. I come home from work and start dinner clean kitchen clean bathrooms make the bed and start wash.. what is the hubby doing all day cartoons computer and becoming upset with how the world is going.. and no I am not just bitching about my hubby .. but Men really why do we have the babies .. because we are the Moms... and good Moms or Women rock the cradle and balance the world most of the time...
so Babe you need to have the opinion like men .. find a guy for the evening use him like tissue paper and toss .. find one that is great for a laugh one that is good for dinner one that is good for chatter one that is good for movies.. for the One that you were told would take care of you forever was a Fairy Tale.. yep just a Fairy Tale.. sorry Ed has had a bad couple of days with his meds and the news is something that he gets upset with.. me Love my job why cause it is a Fairy Tale place that I can go to and stay for 6 hours that is some what sane... ekkekekek sorry all Ardy
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
And that is totally fine.
To thine own self be true.
His not respecting you is NOT a reflection on you,it is a reflection on HIM.
To thine own self be true.
His not respecting you is NOT a reflection on you,it is a reflection on HIM.
Originally Posted by Timeiskey
So I met a guy a few weeks ago. He seemed so sweet, was very charming, and quite handsome. I broke my rules and boundaries- can see now I was still engaging in my Coda ways. I cooked for him, slept with him, and tried to keep my expectations reasonable. However in just the few weeks, I was becoming uncomfortable with the level of emotional intimacy that seemed to be sprouting. It didn't sit well, you know?
We had plans on Sunday that he could not keep. No problem. Except, I didn't find out that our plans were a no go until I reached out to him. Still, I tried to be cool and not overreact...trying not to be controlling and accept that things happen out of our control. But then he made plans for Wednesday and broke them by telling me he was likely working that night...no recognition that working would change our plans. There I saw a pattern- breaking plans without respecting me enough to acknowledge it like an adult. I expressed my concerns through text message since he couldn't talk and he said he would call me in the evening, because it sounded to him like I really didn't want "this". I did want "this" if that meant dating someone who showed up on time, called when plans changed, and someone who didn't show up at my house empty handed...writing all of this, I can see how I was engaging in something that wasn't very respectful to me. So, I guess I am not ready yet. Even though I am getting better, I still don't know how to choose a man who will truly respect me and I don't know how to respect myself in a romantic relationship yet. By the way, not only did he not call in the evening, he didn't answer my calls either.
Healing and getting healthy are hard challenges. Sometimes I want to just jump ahead to a place where everything is good. I am thankful though that I could see my mistakes and recognize that his treatment of me was not acceptable. There wasn't a lot of drama, just me asserting my wants and needs and expressing my concerns. If he isn't able to speak with me and deal with my boundaries and expectations, then fine.
We had plans on Sunday that he could not keep. No problem. Except, I didn't find out that our plans were a no go until I reached out to him. Still, I tried to be cool and not overreact...trying not to be controlling and accept that things happen out of our control. But then he made plans for Wednesday and broke them by telling me he was likely working that night...no recognition that working would change our plans. There I saw a pattern- breaking plans without respecting me enough to acknowledge it like an adult. I expressed my concerns through text message since he couldn't talk and he said he would call me in the evening, because it sounded to him like I really didn't want "this". I did want "this" if that meant dating someone who showed up on time, called when plans changed, and someone who didn't show up at my house empty handed...writing all of this, I can see how I was engaging in something that wasn't very respectful to me. So, I guess I am not ready yet. Even though I am getting better, I still don't know how to choose a man who will truly respect me and I don't know how to respect myself in a romantic relationship yet. By the way, not only did he not call in the evening, he didn't answer my calls either.
Healing and getting healthy are hard challenges. Sometimes I want to just jump ahead to a place where everything is good. I am thankful though that I could see my mistakes and recognize that his treatment of me was not acceptable. There wasn't a lot of drama, just me asserting my wants and needs and expressing my concerns. If he isn't able to speak with me and deal with my boundaries and expectations, then fine.
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