theuncertainty

I know that alcoholism affects kids. I know this. But I now realize that I'd started thinking that since DS never wanted to talk about it, that maybe, MAYBE, he'd forgotten. And the following cut me to the core:

I decided to have a Guinness with dinner the other night. Something I've done only once since I left AXH. DS got so panicked, so upset and so angry. When I asked him what was going on, he said, and I quote, "I don't want you to drink beer and go to sleep and not be able take care of me.......... like Dad used to."

DS was 3 when we left AXH to live on our own. He was 7 the last time he had to go for a supervised visit with his father. He's 10 now. And he's terrified that the only sober parent in his life will drink to passing-out and leave him to take care of himself.

This is the first time he's voiced this worry. And I think it only came out because he's already stressed out because of his grandfather's death and seeing his dad again. But it's there. It may not be at the top of his consciousness and maybe not a fully formed idea, but it's there. He's afraid that alcohol will claim BOTH of his parents, because it's already taken one of them. And the parent that it claimed was the tall, strong guy who seemed larger than life to a little boy. If it could take that guy down... (And I think the worry would be just about the same for a child facing their mother's alcoholism, because a mom is generally supposed to be the primary source of comfort for little ones....)

While I know it's given us a chance to talk about alcoholism; I'm devastated that he's carried this around on his own for this long. Such a heavy worry on little shoulders.

lillamy

My children will leave a room when a wine bottle is opened.

JustAYak

Hi uncertainty,

I am glad that he said something about it, at least. Now you have an idea of where he stands. You've probably only hit the tip of the iceberg... if he is open to it (which is probably very unlikely but ya never know), a counselor would greatly benefit him. Addiction is very hard on kids; like many others on this forum, I lived with my addicted father (heroin) for 17 years before he finally died. He also drank a lot, but his primary addiction was definitely heroin. I lived in fear and had a lot of hatred for him (and my mom - but that's a different story). There are many many many things I still carry with me today as a result of living in such a dysfunctional family for so long, however the circumstances I lived under sound much more extreme than what your son has experienced. To this day, I still hate the smell of beer and have to leave rooms just to get away from it. It brings up lots of anxiety and fearful feelings for me, just as it did in your son.

I am glad you left your husband when your son was 3, I am sure you saved him a lot of damage and heartache. You sound like a really good mother and I have no doubt you will be there for him when he asks. When he opens up, just remind yourself not to push him for more, trust that he will say what he needs to on his own terms. I do not think it would hurt though, to ask him if he would like to talk with someone neutral about the situation, like a therapist. A lot of kids will fear that talking to their "sober" parent will start fights between the two or that whatever they said in confidence will get back to their addict parent and that the addict parent will hate them. They'll feel guilty and responsible for something they shouldn't at all feel responsible for. It is a high stress situation that leaves a lot of anxiety in kids... It is a good sign though, that your son was able to express it to you. If he finds the notion of you drinking upsetting, I would suggest not doing that in front of him until he is old enough to truly understand the difference between responsible drinking and irresponsible drinking and that you aren't going to abandon him in the ways his father did.

Just my two cents. Addiction is a nasty thing.

theuncertainty

Thanks, JustAYak, for your post. DS was seeing a play therapist through the last part of our divorce and custody hearings (related in part to the divorce, but also in part to his dad's addiction(s) and abusive behavior), but they held a graduation ceremony of sorts a while back that DS was able to move on. (She explained that he was welcome to go back if he wanted/needed to see her, but weekly meetings were no longer needed.) I'm doing the footwork to see what we can do now. I like the phrasing of talking with some one neutral if he wants to.

Yes, I've determined that I won't be drinking in front of him again for a long while. Little dude's well being and confidence is way more important than the occasional drink. I am glad that he felt safe enough to act out and bring it up. I'm so sorry that he's been carrying around that worry on his own.

I hope more than it's possible to verbalize that DS doesn't hate me when he gets older for staying with his dad for so long, for leaving his dad, for fighting for custody, for asking for and winning supervised visits, for going back to court later (which resulted in his dad losing all visitation until he proves he's working on changing).

Liveitwell

My 6 year old has voiced many of the same things-starting when she was 4...but very much so since my ex has been gone. He abandoned her years ago and she feels it every day. I let her talk when she wants to...sometimes it's daily, sometimes weeks go by. But the loss is huge and I will never lie to her. She has nightmares weekly that I'm going to leave her and her younger sister-or not wabt to hang out with then like dad. Her fear tonight was if Something happens to me and I end up in the hospital, who would take care of her...bc as she said, dad wont. So incredibly sad-but true. The best thing you can so is support and validate his feelings. We as parents cannot shield our kids from all hurt but we can teach them healthy ways to cope. That's what a parents JOB is. My ex just lost visitation rights as well but supposedly decided to go to rehab. Don't know if that's even true or why he went (backed into a corner or truly wants to change). Time will tell, but at this point I could care less. I never wabt that man-who he was/is-in our kids lives again...same goes for his enabling dysfunctional family. Peace to you-I know how heartbreaking it is to hear your child voice those feelings. Blessings.

Spalding

I think maybe, explaining to him that some people can drink once in a while, and some can't.

Suddenly stopping drinking in front of him will further reinforce the negative association he has built up, and it's really not the alcohol he needs to be scared of, it's the disease.
I think showing or explaining to him that many adults (including yourself) can drink and be ok would be a healthy thing. Or, instead of drinking in front of him, talking to him about that fact, and yes, getting him to counselling.

I totally advocate for a neutral space because I had nowhere to go to or talk to that I felt safe for what, 12 years? And so I sat with it and things got worse.

FeelingGreat

I think this is very sensible. To be able to see people drink occasionally without negative consequences would be a good role-model. In the future he may start drinking himself, and to have an alternative scenario to drunkenness would be useful for him.