Hard Truths
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Hard Truths
Sometimes it feels like I've been at this FOREVER. It has been over four years since I first found Al Anon and related websites. My AH is still drinking, still descending down the spiral of his addiction. And while I am much, much better than I was four years ago, I am increasingly acknowledging some very hard truths about this whole situation. More specifically, I am acknowledging more and more how much this whole thing is royally screwing up my children.
My AH's father came for an impromptu visit over the weekend. While he is not an addict, he is a racist, sexist homophobe who is overflowing with negativity. He was physically and emotionally abusive to my AH and his sisters and their mother. My AH had no contact with him for a very long time, and only re-established a relationship with him around the time he entered recovery and found sobriety (which was about a year before we reconnected and started dating). Due to the distance, we only see him 2-3 times a year.
His visits often result in a small period of improvement for my AH. Part of the escalation of his own disease has involved increasing use of racist and homophobic language, and when he sees it in his father during a visit, it shocks his system enough that he tries to "straighten up and fly right" for awhile, before the inevitable return to decline. We had a huge fight last week after he used the "N" word during a phone conversation (during which he also trotted out his implications that I don't work hard, all our problems are my fault, blah blah blah). He is just increasingly hostile and angry and negative about EVERYTHING as he gets worse and worse.
My daughters (from my first marriage) are so totally over this whole thing. They both cannot stand him, especially my oldest. Their biggest concern about what they know to be an inevitable divorce is that my AH will take his dog with him, and my girls adore that dog. The girls and I talk openly about my AH's issues and about 18 months ago we made a pact that we would not let his problems and attitudes keep us from enjoying our lives. We agreed that he no longer gets to be the most important person in the family. I think we have done well carrying that out over the past year and a half. In many ways it's easier for them, because he is their stepfather and has never really made an attempt to form meaningful relationships with them.
It's my little guy who worries me. Over the past few months, his behavior has gotten out of control. He is about to turn 5, and as his father spends less and less quality time with him, and more and more time complaining about everything under the sun, our son acts out more and more. He was absolutely atrocious during my father-in-law's visit this weekend. And of course, neither my AH nor my father-in-law relate ANY of these behavioral issues to the environment at home. I, however, can no longer deny to myself that my son is being profoundly impacted by his father's disease. Gone are the days when my AH worked 600 miles away and we saw him once every 6-8 weeks. Gone are the days when my AH would "power through" whatever his troubles were, and have wonderful times with our son. Our son is learning to react to the world with anger and frustration, no matter the trigger. It's so hard to admit that we are so far past the point of me being able to protect and shield him. This kid is going to end up seriously effed up if I don't get us out of here.
I'm a good mom. I know I am. I have friends who are very good about reassuring me in that department, especially after a blow up with my AH. I will not fail these children. I feel like I have been failing them, especially my son, for the past few months. That's very hard and painful to admit, but it's important that I acknowledge it, out here, for myself and for the community. It helps me build accountability for myself.
My AH's father came for an impromptu visit over the weekend. While he is not an addict, he is a racist, sexist homophobe who is overflowing with negativity. He was physically and emotionally abusive to my AH and his sisters and their mother. My AH had no contact with him for a very long time, and only re-established a relationship with him around the time he entered recovery and found sobriety (which was about a year before we reconnected and started dating). Due to the distance, we only see him 2-3 times a year.
His visits often result in a small period of improvement for my AH. Part of the escalation of his own disease has involved increasing use of racist and homophobic language, and when he sees it in his father during a visit, it shocks his system enough that he tries to "straighten up and fly right" for awhile, before the inevitable return to decline. We had a huge fight last week after he used the "N" word during a phone conversation (during which he also trotted out his implications that I don't work hard, all our problems are my fault, blah blah blah). He is just increasingly hostile and angry and negative about EVERYTHING as he gets worse and worse.
My daughters (from my first marriage) are so totally over this whole thing. They both cannot stand him, especially my oldest. Their biggest concern about what they know to be an inevitable divorce is that my AH will take his dog with him, and my girls adore that dog. The girls and I talk openly about my AH's issues and about 18 months ago we made a pact that we would not let his problems and attitudes keep us from enjoying our lives. We agreed that he no longer gets to be the most important person in the family. I think we have done well carrying that out over the past year and a half. In many ways it's easier for them, because he is their stepfather and has never really made an attempt to form meaningful relationships with them.
It's my little guy who worries me. Over the past few months, his behavior has gotten out of control. He is about to turn 5, and as his father spends less and less quality time with him, and more and more time complaining about everything under the sun, our son acts out more and more. He was absolutely atrocious during my father-in-law's visit this weekend. And of course, neither my AH nor my father-in-law relate ANY of these behavioral issues to the environment at home. I, however, can no longer deny to myself that my son is being profoundly impacted by his father's disease. Gone are the days when my AH worked 600 miles away and we saw him once every 6-8 weeks. Gone are the days when my AH would "power through" whatever his troubles were, and have wonderful times with our son. Our son is learning to react to the world with anger and frustration, no matter the trigger. It's so hard to admit that we are so far past the point of me being able to protect and shield him. This kid is going to end up seriously effed up if I don't get us out of here.
I'm a good mom. I know I am. I have friends who are very good about reassuring me in that department, especially after a blow up with my AH. I will not fail these children. I feel like I have been failing them, especially my son, for the past few months. That's very hard and painful to admit, but it's important that I acknowledge it, out here, for myself and for the community. It helps me build accountability for myself.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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In hindsight, I realize how much negativity I let my children be exposed to by my X husband. He is by nature not only a substance abuser, but a negative, pessimist, selfish person. It's such a shame.
I can now see in my girls (9 and 15) that is affected their lives in a huge way. I can only say I wish I had divorced many many years ago.
It's wonderful that you openly talk about it with them.
Tight hugs..
I can now see in my girls (9 and 15) that is affected their lives in a huge way. I can only say I wish I had divorced many many years ago.
It's wonderful that you openly talk about it with them.
Tight hugs..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
It has been over four years since I first found Al Anon and related websites. My AH is still drinking, still descending down the spiral of his addiction.
I will not fail these children.
I will not fail these children.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
While he is not an addict, he is a racist, sexist homophobe who is overflowing with negativity.
This is my FIL, our husbands could be from the same family, scary!
The negative impact my AH's family had on him was the drive behind us moving so far away. Far enough that his father will not drive and his mother (God Bless her soul) would not fly.
So sad that you are dealing with this.
This is my FIL, our husbands could be from the same family, scary!
The negative impact my AH's family had on him was the drive behind us moving so far away. Far enough that his father will not drive and his mother (God Bless her soul) would not fly.
So sad that you are dealing with this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Thanks everybody. That kind of talk has always been a no no in my house, too. At this point, it has never happened in front of our son, but I know it is only a matter of time and my goal is to be out before it happens. Another feature of the weekend? My FIL telling my son (half-jokingly) to shut up. Which is ALSO a HUGE no no in my house. Then my son spent all weekend telling everybody and their brother to shut up. *sigh*
One of the enduring conflicts in our marriage has been my AH's all-consuming desire to return to our hometown (600 miles away). He always refers to it as "home," which drives me nuts. I firmly believe that "home" is where your spouse and children are. Anyway, his entire toxic family is still in our hometown. I have never once even CONSIDERED moving back there--first of all, it would mean essentially abandoning my daughters. But my AH has such a painfully narrow view of what would make him happy, that it is become impossible for him to be happy here. And frankly, if he was back in our hometown, he would just be miserable there, too. It's just his way of deflecting his misery and blaming other people for it. It has been a loooong time since I've fallen for THAT crap.
I've spent the last year checking things off my list to leave. I am finally done paying alimony to my ex-husband. I finally got a reliable vehicle. I finally have our son registered for kindergarten at a school where it will not matter which school district I end up living in. I have always been ready to leave with an emergency plan, should there be the kind of blow-up we were having in 2013. We haven't had one of those, but I can just feel it percolating, you know? I can tell it's coming...every week and every month it's something else my AH complains about, and when that thing changes for the better, he just moves on to something new. The tension and anger is absolutely visible in him. I have set a deadline for myself to be out by August 1, and am working toward scraping the money together to leave. I still have my emergency plans in place.
One of the enduring conflicts in our marriage has been my AH's all-consuming desire to return to our hometown (600 miles away). He always refers to it as "home," which drives me nuts. I firmly believe that "home" is where your spouse and children are. Anyway, his entire toxic family is still in our hometown. I have never once even CONSIDERED moving back there--first of all, it would mean essentially abandoning my daughters. But my AH has such a painfully narrow view of what would make him happy, that it is become impossible for him to be happy here. And frankly, if he was back in our hometown, he would just be miserable there, too. It's just his way of deflecting his misery and blaming other people for it. It has been a loooong time since I've fallen for THAT crap.
I've spent the last year checking things off my list to leave. I am finally done paying alimony to my ex-husband. I finally got a reliable vehicle. I finally have our son registered for kindergarten at a school where it will not matter which school district I end up living in. I have always been ready to leave with an emergency plan, should there be the kind of blow-up we were having in 2013. We haven't had one of those, but I can just feel it percolating, you know? I can tell it's coming...every week and every month it's something else my AH complains about, and when that thing changes for the better, he just moves on to something new. The tension and anger is absolutely visible in him. I have set a deadline for myself to be out by August 1, and am working toward scraping the money together to leave. I still have my emergency plans in place.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
WI is there anyway to tell him to go "home" and he can find his nest then you just never follow him? Sounds like he wants to isolate you from any support + your daughters and surround him self with like-minded people who probably also have those narrow minded issues.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Sounds like a good time to have a convo with DS about how we don't always like or approve of the behavior of those around us. I'm sure he can relate to that dynamic using a variety of other examples so that you aren't actually talking about dad & granddad. That's how I spoke to DD about all of this at age 5, to make it more age appropriate. It was HER that connected the dots of bad behavior to her dad's antics, using her own judgment based on all the "right" things I was showing/teaching her. (I have never, ever bad mouthed RAH to DD but I have always answered her questions honestly.)
I think the important thing is that it's not too late. And while it doesn't replace a positive male role model, having a strong, wise mom & 2 confident older sisters will go a LONG way toward helping him get on a better path. (My single-mom sister & niece are a living example of that.)
Your awareness is awesome & that's a big part of this battle. You have been steadfastly moving toward your goal, accomplishing all the necessary tasks to make it happen (and I remember that you had some big hurdles to conquer). You're doing everything right, as quickly as possible, to the best of your ability. I don't call that failing!!
I think the important thing is that it's not too late. And while it doesn't replace a positive male role model, having a strong, wise mom & 2 confident older sisters will go a LONG way toward helping him get on a better path. (My single-mom sister & niece are a living example of that.)
Your awareness is awesome & that's a big part of this battle. You have been steadfastly moving toward your goal, accomplishing all the necessary tasks to make it happen (and I remember that you had some big hurdles to conquer). You're doing everything right, as quickly as possible, to the best of your ability. I don't call that failing!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Wis - I also wanted to add that age 5 was tough all around in my experience with DD. It's that time between toddlerhood & Big Kid School & DD definitely went through some big emotional growth spurts adjusting to all of it. She had some short cycles of acting out as she was trying to feel her way through all these changes & handle anxiety that she didn't know how to express. There's no doubt that RAH's (then AH) issues added to what she was going through, but it wasn't 100% of the reason.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Wisconsin: I can so relate to you. I am going through something similar. My AH and I have been married almost 2 years..I have two boys, 5 & 6, from previous relationship....I have been on the fence regarding my relationship with my AH...he can be so kind and loving...I too started my plan B...and it makes me feel guilty... like I am a fake...trying to pretend I am happy all the time...he can see through it too sometimes...I actually looked at an apartment last week after work...looking at a different one this week...but also hoping that it will get better...maybe I do over react...then the cycle begins again...I am so mentally exhausted...thanks for posting...it is nice to know we are not alone...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
my friend - you have came soooooo far ~ I am so proud for you & your kiddos!!
Keep doing the Next Right Thing & First things First ~ Soon I know your HP will provide a way for y'all to live Happy, Joyous and Free! even PINKfully free!
PINK HUGS!
Keep doing the Next Right Thing & First things First ~ Soon I know your HP will provide a way for y'all to live Happy, Joyous and Free! even PINKfully free!
PINK HUGS!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I love y'all so much. I love that I can come here for reassurance and support, and also the straight, uncensored talk that we all sometimes need (even when it's hard to hear).
Thanks again for being part of my life.
Thanks again for being part of my life.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
I don't know you but I'm a mom so I can relate to what you said. I think when it comes to our kids, most of us are doing our best. It isn't always perfect because life isn't perfect. In an ideal world, your son wouldn't be exposed to his father, but, as we all know, this world is less than ideal.
A woman I know confided in me that her drunk, abusive husband just broke her son's leg. The boy is about 6'1" and really strong. I can't even imagine what went on for that to have happen. CPS got involved, and the husband was forced to leave the home--thankfully. Anyway, at first I kind of slipped into judgemental mode, thinking "How in the h-ll did she let things get to this point??" But then I remembered everything I've heard in Al Anon--all people's struggles and remembered that none of this stuff is easy AT ALL. My point is if you are doing your recovery work and loving your son, you are doing great! Have faith in yourself.
A woman I know confided in me that her drunk, abusive husband just broke her son's leg. The boy is about 6'1" and really strong. I can't even imagine what went on for that to have happen. CPS got involved, and the husband was forced to leave the home--thankfully. Anyway, at first I kind of slipped into judgemental mode, thinking "How in the h-ll did she let things get to this point??" But then I remembered everything I've heard in Al Anon--all people's struggles and remembered that none of this stuff is easy AT ALL. My point is if you are doing your recovery work and loving your son, you are doing great! Have faith in yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wisconsin......I have noticed that there are tons and tons of people on this forum who say that they are sorry that they stayed so long in the relationship.
I have, yet, to see one where the writer complains that they left "too soon".
(I am writing this to help you feel better).
dandylion
I have, yet, to see one where the writer complains that they left "too soon".
(I am writing this to help you feel better).
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
A big part of my recovery journey at this point is to dig deep and figure out WHY I haven't left. I'm trying to be gentle with myself about it, since I tend to be my own worse enemy. Like most of us, there is a lot of FOG. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. I'm picking it apart and working through the layers. And honestly, every time my AH trots out an offensive word, or lies, or whatever, some of that FOG disappears on its own. I am trusting myself, and giving myself credit for how far I've come. But I'm also not being complacent. I have spent the past 9 months (since my AH came back from working out of state for a year) working through the realization that detachment only gets you so far, and for most of us, detachment is NOT a long term solution for staying in a relationship with an addict. I know that this marriage is over. I know there is no way to save it. But as I've checked various items off my "to do" list, I can't deny that there are still emotional components keeping me here...not just logistical and financial components. I know that when I leave, I will be relieved for myself and for the kids. I'm sure I will think to myself "why didn't I do this sooner?" But I'm also trying to trust myself in this process. Does that make sense?
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
WI - I am so sorry you are facing this right now! However, I wanted to thank you so much for sharing and for your strength. You have no idea how much I needed to read something like this today.
I am struggling with these decisions and how staying versus leaving will affect my 2 young DDs. In my case, we are still in the stage where he does manage to struggle through and be a good dad a lot of time. It's the general atmosphere that is becoming toxic and nothing specifically obvious to them right now. I know in my heart (and from reading your all-too-familiar experiences) this will not last if he continues drinking.
I wish you the best in getting through this stage of your own recovery. Please keep us posted on your and your kids' progress
I am struggling with these decisions and how staying versus leaving will affect my 2 young DDs. In my case, we are still in the stage where he does manage to struggle through and be a good dad a lot of time. It's the general atmosphere that is becoming toxic and nothing specifically obvious to them right now. I know in my heart (and from reading your all-too-familiar experiences) this will not last if he continues drinking.
I wish you the best in getting through this stage of your own recovery. Please keep us posted on your and your kids' progress
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by hopeful4
In hindsight, I realize how much negativity I let my children be exposed to by my X husband. He is by nature not only a substance abuser, but a negative, pessimist, selfish person. It's such a shame.
I can now see in my girls (9 and 15) that is affected their lives in a huge way. I can only say I wish I had divorced many many years ago.
It's wonderful that you openly talk about it with them.
Tight hugs..
I can now see in my girls (9 and 15) that is affected their lives in a huge way. I can only say I wish I had divorced many many years ago.
It's wonderful that you openly talk about it with them.
Tight hugs..
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