Pipoi's Post-Divorce Latest Misadventure
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
Can you tell who is or is not a recreational drug user or addict? For most of us, it takes a while.
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Originally Posted by lucybb
I agree that this group is tough. I thought it was a support forum and I agree that it is a place to share and learn from each other's experiences, offer support and suggestions and just let people know that they are heard. Instead, I am finding that much of the responses lately are just criticisms - we don't come here to get crapped on.
Pippi, I agree that 2 is not a pattern and it is good to hear about how others have been fooled at first. I like to hear folks share what the early warning signs were that they dismissed or minimized at first - it is a good lesson for what to watch out for in the future. But the thing about people who are abusive, or have a personality disorder or addiction, is that they are great at hiding it at first and there is no point is being really hard on yourself for being fooled - tons of people are.
Would you share what your early warning signs were? I just separated from my STBXAH and need a good long break, but one day I hope to date again and I want to learn as much as I can before I do about what to keep my eyes open for.
Pippi, I agree that 2 is not a pattern and it is good to hear about how others have been fooled at first. I like to hear folks share what the early warning signs were that they dismissed or minimized at first - it is a good lesson for what to watch out for in the future. But the thing about people who are abusive, or have a personality disorder or addiction, is that they are great at hiding it at first and there is no point is being really hard on yourself for being fooled - tons of people are.
Would you share what your early warning signs were? I just separated from my STBXAH and need a good long break, but one day I hope to date again and I want to learn as much as I can before I do about what to keep my eyes open for.
That is a great question.
Well, date one was just magical. He was so nice and kind, sharing information about his work and putting me at ease right away. I wasn't that attracted to him physically - always my boyfriends have been tall and thinnish before, but somehow his manner endeared me to him and I kissed him before we parted company on our first real date.
Then date two we talked longer and still I liked him. But questions arose about previous relationships since our separations, and he seemed kind of stressed that I had been dating some...seemed to make more of it than I thought necessary...
Then he talked about how beautiful, thin tall blond brilliant his ex-wife was, and the last woman he'd been seeing too - and they were much younger than he... But okay...
...then we had magical times skiing and meeting friends...dinners and conversation...
...I loved his place, quirky and smartly furnished...loved the photos of his family and his younger self...
...he had a thing where sometimes at night he had a sniffy nose or spontaneous nose bleeds. He would occasionally jump up and rush to the men's room...
...he was kind of demanding about messaging me a lot and started getting mad if I wasn't available...He was really mad once because I was away with some friends and wasn't messaging much...That was the biggest warning. He reacted too emotionally. He started hinting pretty early that he was in love with me...
...we drank together, really fantastic red wine - but he always stopped after a glass or two. I smoked a bit from a cigar with him - never did that before! It was fun and funny.
He was constantly on call at the hospital and having to rush in and operate in the middle of the night. His life is erratic that way. He works super hard. It affected his sleep, his health...he would suddenly fall asleep, or not be able to...
He was totally into my stories about my children. He listened to and remembered everything. He has nieces and nephews and always talked about them and his sisters...
Over time, he expressed more negativity and dissatisfaction. About his job, colleagues, family...He became increasingly annoyed with my busy schedule. And my life as an athlete, which is somewhat foreign to him.
He always wanted to buy me things. But then I noticed his credit cards weren't always accepted. He had stories about why...I wondered a little...
...things seemed mostly great overall. We had fun, we had almost the same taste in everything - clothes, music, lodging, travels...we had all kinds of travel plans, mostly his offerings but with my interests and schedule in mind...
But then he more and more wanted assurances from me that I wasn't going to date other men, he started pressuring me to do less sports, to be more available, he was bothered that I seemed to him to not be making as big sacrifices for the relationship than he was...he was getting touchy...
And then we went to that last hotel...where he insisted on going to all of those clubs. And that is when it all fell apart.
So...jealous...touchy...a bit erratic...emotional...sniffy nose and nosebleeds...demanding...weird sleep...
You could say it's all due to his job, an emotional personality...
But in writing all of this, I have to say, it was subtle. But when he punched me...he wasn't surprised at what he'd done. And he was so smooth with the police. No, he's done something similar to another woman before.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
When it is good advice, certainly.
Can you tell who is or is not a recreational drug user or addict? For most of us, it takes a while.
Can you tell who is or is not a recreational drug user or addict? For most of us, it takes a while.
First it was the 3 married guys. Now this one. Is this the one that you left with the day of your divorce, while leaving your children?
When you only date people who will take you to islands and 5 star hotels, it's kind of obvious, that they only see you for sex.
How's your job going, so that you might be able to support yourself and your children financially, instead of going hungry?
amy
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Originally Posted by amy55
Quite frankly no, but I also wouldn't choose to put myself into the situations that you put yourself into.
First it was the 3 married guys. Now this one. Is this the one that you left with the day of your divorce, while leaving your children?
When you only date people who will take you to islands and 5 star hotels, it's kind of obvious, that they only see you for sex.
How's your job going, so that you might be able to support yourself and your children financially, instead of going hungry?
amy
First it was the 3 married guys. Now this one. Is this the one that you left with the day of your divorce, while leaving your children?
When you only date people who will take you to islands and 5 star hotels, it's kind of obvious, that they only see you for sex.
How's your job going, so that you might be able to support yourself and your children financially, instead of going hungry?
amy
No, we never finally were that physically intimate with one another. He mostly just wanted to hold hands and kiss me...he wanted to take his time and get to know me, and was in that way a complete gentleman.
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I've read it here too many times and experienced it too often myself. Those magical, charming, magnetic personalities are often characteristic of the alcoholic/addict. Anymore, they are a huge red flag for me. Actually, they are flashing banner that screams, "Run, do NOT walk, from this man as fast as you can."
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So sorry that I jumped to that conclusion. Guess I did just assume that since this was not the first time you went away with him, and that you were staying in his room, well.......
Just good luck with your dating.
Best wishes to you, and also best wishes to your children.
amy
Just good luck with your dating.
Best wishes to you, and also best wishes to your children.
amy
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
Wow. Amy, you don't know, and shouldn't assume.
No, we never finally were that physically intimate with one another. He mostly just wanted to hold hands and kiss me...he wanted to take his time and get to know me, and was in that way a complete gentleman.
No, we never finally were that physically intimate with one another. He mostly just wanted to hold hands and kiss me...he wanted to take his time and get to know me, and was in that way a complete gentleman.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
One of the many advantages to getting older has to be that men in their forties like me for my quirky personality and my sagesse...
"Wisdom, beauty and kindness do not boil any cauldron"
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He comes back, sees me talking to someone, and storms out in a rage.
Finally, I head out to the hotel, peacefully, but also fed up. He pursues me and the next thing I know, he punches me!!!!! In the chest!!! This is a surgeon.
Later, I read up on surgeons and drug abuse and guess who invented cocaine and were the first coke addicts?
Anyway, I find my way to the police station and they take me back to the hotel. He's thrown all of my belongings in the hall and the police interview him.
You can understand my confusion. You state that you went back to the hotel alone and that is where he assaulted you, THEN you went to the police and went back to the hotel a second time.
Whatever. You change your story often which is one of the reasons why your threads develop into train wrecks.
I don't know that one would know whether or not someone was an addict immediately it would depend on whether or not they were being secretive about their use. For me at age 47, if I man I went on a date (in the same age range or older )with used coke ONCE that would be the last date. I would feel that way even if I hadn't been with an alcoholic. I didn't always feel that way certainly in my 30's many of the men I dated did recreationally use drugs - it was what we did. Out all the time life was one big party.
Now life is about home, career and the like. I'm so out of that loop, but if I were single and a date was clearly using coke or another drug or offered it to me I would laugh in their face "You gotta be kidding me"? It seems ridiculous and immature. Like grow up you aren't in college anymore - so it wouldn't matter whether they were an addict or not.
Finally, I head out to the hotel, peacefully, but also fed up. He pursues me and the next thing I know, he punches me!!!!! In the chest!!! This is a surgeon.
Later, I read up on surgeons and drug abuse and guess who invented cocaine and were the first coke addicts?
Anyway, I find my way to the police station and they take me back to the hotel. He's thrown all of my belongings in the hall and the police interview him.
You can understand my confusion. You state that you went back to the hotel alone and that is where he assaulted you, THEN you went to the police and went back to the hotel a second time.
Whatever. You change your story often which is one of the reasons why your threads develop into train wrecks.
I don't know that one would know whether or not someone was an addict immediately it would depend on whether or not they were being secretive about their use. For me at age 47, if I man I went on a date (in the same age range or older )with used coke ONCE that would be the last date. I would feel that way even if I hadn't been with an alcoholic. I didn't always feel that way certainly in my 30's many of the men I dated did recreationally use drugs - it was what we did. Out all the time life was one big party.
Now life is about home, career and the like. I'm so out of that loop, but if I were single and a date was clearly using coke or another drug or offered it to me I would laugh in their face "You gotta be kidding me"? It seems ridiculous and immature. Like grow up you aren't in college anymore - so it wouldn't matter whether they were an addict or not.
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We talk a lot here on SR about red flags. Maybe what we need to be talking about in this case, Pippi, are blind spots.
A person can wave red flags 'til the cows come home, but they're not going to be seen if the person they're waving them at has too many blind spots.
We all have them. A man can be sitting, toothless, in the gutter, drinking out of a paper bag, but if he laughs at my jokes I'll swear he's the sexiest man alive, and take him home to meet my mama. You appear to highly value wealth and status. That's ok, but if these "likes" are actually "blind spots" that could become a problem.
Perhaps, for the sake of yourself and your children, you may want to confront these blind spots head on, with some honest introspection and humility. Dissect them and figure out if and why they play such a major role in your life, and the life of your family. If you do I believe you're guaranteed good results.
A person can wave red flags 'til the cows come home, but they're not going to be seen if the person they're waving them at has too many blind spots.
We all have them. A man can be sitting, toothless, in the gutter, drinking out of a paper bag, but if he laughs at my jokes I'll swear he's the sexiest man alive, and take him home to meet my mama. You appear to highly value wealth and status. That's ok, but if these "likes" are actually "blind spots" that could become a problem.
Perhaps, for the sake of yourself and your children, you may want to confront these blind spots head on, with some honest introspection and humility. Dissect them and figure out if and why they play such a major role in your life, and the life of your family. If you do I believe you're guaranteed good results.
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma
We talk a lot here on SR about red flags. Maybe what we need to be talking about in this case, Pippi, are blind spots.
A person can wave red flags 'til the cows come home, but they're not going to be seen if the person they're waving them at has too many blind spots.
We all have them. A man can be sitting, toothless, in the gutter, drinking out of a paper bag, but if he laughs at my jokes I'll swear he's the sexiest man alive, and take him home to meet my mama. You appear to highly value wealth and status. That's ok, but if these "likes" are actually "blind spots" that could become a problem.
Perhaps, for the sake of yourself and your children, you may want to confront these blind spots head on, with some honest introspection and humility. Dissect them and figure out if and why they play such a major role in your life, and the life of your family. If you do I believe you're guaranteed good results.
A person can wave red flags 'til the cows come home, but they're not going to be seen if the person they're waving them at has too many blind spots.
We all have them. A man can be sitting, toothless, in the gutter, drinking out of a paper bag, but if he laughs at my jokes I'll swear he's the sexiest man alive, and take him home to meet my mama. You appear to highly value wealth and status. That's ok, but if these "likes" are actually "blind spots" that could become a problem.
Perhaps, for the sake of yourself and your children, you may want to confront these blind spots head on, with some honest introspection and humility. Dissect them and figure out if and why they play such a major role in your life, and the life of your family. If you do I believe you're guaranteed good results.
Thank you SK. I couldn't put this into words.
To be blunt, if I am attracted to a man and he is attracted to me, then there is something wrong with him. Even now, 18 months into my recovery. I didn't used to see this. I appreciate the new vocabulary word "blind spots", because I am terrible at spotting "red flags" and really really good at excusing them away.
He lives under a bridge and drinks Sterno out of a paper bag? Well, that just means he's not hung up on the whole bourgeois respectability trip.
He's a respected (separated? still married?) surgeon who has control issues and exhibits what Dear Abby would call warning signs of an abuser and snorts coke and goes nuts on the weekends? Jackpot! I've actually never had the standard to insist that my abusive substance abusing significant have a respectable full-time career, so you're ahead of me there Pippi.
Blind spots. Working my recovery has shown me that I have them, and has scared me off of even casual dating for now. I don't live your life, so I can't realistically give advice or make suggestions. Just know that I am hoping you and your children have the best life possible.
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I do not know if it was this guy or another one that people here warned you against last time I read one of your threads, but I feel like we have been here before You find some rich guy and go running.
But pretty consistently you have gotten good support and advice that you probably should not be involved in men right now.
Why not take a year off? No men. No dating. No sexual involvement. Is there any reason not to?
Give yourself time and let your judgement get stronger.
If not for you, do it for your children. Give them a break from all the chaos they have been through.
But pretty consistently you have gotten good support and advice that you probably should not be involved in men right now.
Why not take a year off? No men. No dating. No sexual involvement. Is there any reason not to?
Give yourself time and let your judgement get stronger.
If not for you, do it for your children. Give them a break from all the chaos they have been through.
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Pippi, I am sorry that you feel attacked by this forum and you feel you have to defend your actions. If people on here were not worried about you and didn't care, they would not comment. I think if maybe you can try and read the post on here more calmly you will realize these people are not judging you. They are commenting on what they see connecting your posts and they are suggesting work such as codependent work because it is something that has either worked for them or they have seen work. Please don't take offense with what people say. Sometimes, unfortunately we cannot see the Forrest for the trees in our own lives but someone else's life is clear as a bell. I'm glad you were able to get out of that situation with only minor bruises. And I'm glad you did spot trouble and have since stayed away.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
To be blunt, if I am attracted to a man and he is attracted to me, then there is something wrong with him.
LadyScribbler, this is me too right now. This is the stage I am at. I am progressing and am happy with that slow steady progress. It's a big achievement that I now recognise this. That the men who attract my interest are basically sick. Like attracts like.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
He comes back, sees me talking to someone, and storms out in a rage.
Finally, I head out to the hotel, peacefully, but also fed up. He pursues me and the next thing I know, he punches me!!!!! In the chest!!! This is a surgeon.
Later, I read up on surgeons and drug abuse and guess who invented cocaine and were the first coke addicts?
Anyway, I find my way to the police station and they take me back to the hotel. He's thrown all of my belongings in the hall and the police interview him.
You can understand my confusion. You state that you went back to the hotel alone and that is where he assaulted you, THEN you went to the police and went back to the hotel a second time.
Whatever. You change your story often which is one of the reasons why your threads develop into train wrecks.
I don't know that one would know whether or not someone was an addict immediately it would depend on whether or not they were being secretive about their use. For me at age 47, if I man I went on a date (in the same age range or older )with used coke ONCE that would be the last date. I would feel that way even if I hadn't been with an alcoholic. I didn't always feel that way certainly in my 30's many of the men I dated did recreationally use drugs - it was what we did. Out all the time life was one big party.
Now life is about home, career and the like. I'm so out of that loop, but if I were single and a date was clearly using coke or another drug or offered it to me I would laugh in their face "You gotta be kidding me"? It seems ridiculous and immature. Like grow up you aren't in college anymore - so it wouldn't matter whether they were an addict or not.
Finally, I head out to the hotel, peacefully, but also fed up. He pursues me and the next thing I know, he punches me!!!!! In the chest!!! This is a surgeon.
Later, I read up on surgeons and drug abuse and guess who invented cocaine and were the first coke addicts?
Anyway, I find my way to the police station and they take me back to the hotel. He's thrown all of my belongings in the hall and the police interview him.
You can understand my confusion. You state that you went back to the hotel alone and that is where he assaulted you, THEN you went to the police and went back to the hotel a second time.
Whatever. You change your story often which is one of the reasons why your threads develop into train wrecks.
I don't know that one would know whether or not someone was an addict immediately it would depend on whether or not they were being secretive about their use. For me at age 47, if I man I went on a date (in the same age range or older )with used coke ONCE that would be the last date. I would feel that way even if I hadn't been with an alcoholic. I didn't always feel that way certainly in my 30's many of the men I dated did recreationally use drugs - it was what we did. Out all the time life was one big party.
Now life is about home, career and the like. I'm so out of that loop, but if I were single and a date was clearly using coke or another drug or offered it to me I would laugh in their face "You gotta be kidding me"? It seems ridiculous and immature. Like grow up you aren't in college anymore - so it wouldn't matter whether they were an addict or not.
Then he came up to me from behind, catching me by surprise. He slapped my derriere, then I turned to face him, shocked. He put his hands on my shoulders possessively. I told him calmly to take his hands off of me. He started walking away, then he returned all of a sudden, starting saying something, and punched me.
I grabbed the first passerby, who didn't speak any language I know, and I got him to take me to the police.
I never saw evidence of cocaine usage. From the start I told the surgeon my feelings about drugs/booze. He was very reassuring. He explained the occasional sniffy nose as a medical condition that he was seeing a specialist about. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
When his behavior manifested itself, I didn't hesitate. I acted well.
That doesn't mean I don't also have blind spots.
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Many people here know how nerve wrecking being stranded with a violent substance user in your home country can be.
Being stranded in a foreign country with someone who is violent and abusing illegal substances and having no or little funds to get yourself home or pay a lawyer to help you out when things get completely out of control is downright scary in my books.
Pippi, I’m glad you got yourself out of this nasty situation safe and sound. Life is full of risk and mentally unstable people which unfortunately can not always be avoided. It’s a good thing to learn about and look out for the red flags, so thanks for sharing your story. Having money available when risk strikes is never a bad thing – wise decision to put your focus back on finding a career and source of income in your new home country.
Wishing you the best.
Being stranded in a foreign country with someone who is violent and abusing illegal substances and having no or little funds to get yourself home or pay a lawyer to help you out when things get completely out of control is downright scary in my books.
Pippi, I’m glad you got yourself out of this nasty situation safe and sound. Life is full of risk and mentally unstable people which unfortunately can not always be avoided. It’s a good thing to learn about and look out for the red flags, so thanks for sharing your story. Having money available when risk strikes is never a bad thing – wise decision to put your focus back on finding a career and source of income in your new home country.
Wishing you the best.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
...Later, I read up on surgeons and drug abuse and guess who invented cocaine and were the first coke addicts?...
(o:
NoelleR
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