KarenSW

I don't really know where to start. I guess I should start off by saying that I have had issues with alcohol. Been sober for quite awhile now. My husband and I used to be drinking buddies. Always in the latest restaurants and nightspots. He works for a local television station so we always attended a ton of local events and such. The problem now is that he is an alcoholic. It's almost 3 am here and he consumed a bottle of scotch tonight. Came to bed about midnight and tried to put on his CPAP machine and it was spewing water. Tried to help him to get up so he could fix the machine and he fell out of bed, hit his head on the nightstand and proceeded to pass out in the floor. He woke up about an hour later and I made sure he was ok and I just came downstairs because I was too upset to sleep. This is an every night occurance and I just can't take it anymore and I don't know what to do. I know he will not get help and I cannot leave. I am a full time nursing student and currently don't have a job. He pays all the bills. I also have a 15 year old daughter and my 80 year old mother who is on dialysis and lives with me (I am her caregiver). I've looked for AlAnon meetings in my area and can't find any online.

Any advice would definitely be appreciated. I don't know what to do. I can't really set out any ultimatums, as I really have nowhere to go.

CodeJob

Hello Karen, you sound worried and worn out.

How long before you finish school? When you finish school and get a nursing position, what is your care plan for your mom? Are you stashing some money off to the side for the future?

Your daughter - how is she handling life with A? Is this her father?

If this is a nightly thing, how is his job going? Is he likely to lose it soon?

Start making a safety net for yourself.

Here on the boards, Yurt recently divorced and her posts are very methodical about her planning. Freetosmile is in Nursing school and she is full of life and energy in her posts. HoneyPig decided on a separation too. She also posts from a daily reader here too (Language of Letting Go) that you might find helpful.

Al Anon can be very useful. i am pretty sure there are online Al Anon meetings. I think Stung here uses this method. She too is pondering divorce.

There is a lot of insight here - particulalry if insomnia and watching H pass out each night. Peace in your mind, Karen.

redatlanta

Some great advice by Codejob.

While it may not look like you have options you do. I understand that leaving is not a possibility but there are options on how to deal with your A and how to find some mental peace while living with one.

Have you spoken with your husband about his situation and how it is affecting the marriage?

KarenSW

Thank you for your responses. I have one more year left in nursing school. My daughter is handling the husband ok. It is not her father. My plan after graduation is to get a job like anyone else. His job is 100% commission and he is in no danger of losing it. He is very good at his job, makes well over six figures, and functioning every day. However, his health is affected by his drinking. I have talked to him before about his drinking and he is the type that thinks alcoholics are all living on a park bench drinking from a paper bag. We were in marriage counseling until the counseler said he needed to stop drinking. All of a sudden we couldn't afford it anymore. I'm a little bit punchy because I've had zero sleep. How it usually happens is, he comes to bed after drinking, doesn't want to wear his CPAP for his sleep apnea, I cannot sleep due to the snoring and we end up spending an hour fighting over him putting on the sleep mask. I am then resentful and angry. He is also very beligerent when he drinks. However, when he wakes up he will act like nothing has happened and will be offended when I act hurt/upset. He feels that since he pays all the bills that I should shut up and take it. We've been married 7 years.

I'm just going to shut up and listen for awhile since I'm pretty sure I'm making no sense right now. I'm going to contact some of my AA friends and see if they can help me with AL Anon. That's the only thing I know to do right now.

Thanks, I'm just tired of being a doormat.

INgal

There seem to be quite a few meetings in Huntsville:

AA Area 1 ? District 20AA Area 1 - District 20

maybear

On a very practical level - do you have another room you can sleep in?
That sounds like a nightmare for you every night.
Sorry you are going through this.

KarenSW

Yes, there are quite a few AA meetings, however, I'm having trouble finding AL Anon meetings for myself. It's not my concern that he join AA or not.

KarenSW

Yes, I do have a guest bedroom I can sleep in and I will do that now. I've just been reluctant to because A: why should I give up my bedroom? and B: according to him, it's always the last time it is going to happen.

SparkleKitty

A, because you need regular, consistent full nights of sleep. Our problems are significantly easier to handle when we are truly rested. And detaching from the need to be right and just take care yourself is a skill that will help you navigate lots of other situations with an alcoholic in denial.

B, you know now that this is not the case, right? It happens every night. When dealing with an active active, it's safer to put your faith in their actions, not their words. He may be functioning now, but that is a stage of alcoholism, not a type. You don't have to untangle every knot today.

As you get more rest, you may find it easier to avoid repetitive arguments that never result in change and find yourself some peace and clarity. Please keep coming back for support. I know how it feels when you can't see your options. Sending strength, patience and a good night's rest.

INgal

Karen, a lot of people in my AlAnon actually go to open AA mtgs. Might be worth a try. Good luck to you, we know it's not easy.

KarenSW

talked with AH about the escapades of Friday. He said he will "cut down" his drinking because to quit entirely just isn't reasonable. It took all I had not to laugh in his face. He's cut back before and it lasts maybe a week. He said I am the reason he drinks so much. If I would just have sex with him everything would be great. Sigh. All I can do now is a just try to keep my own sanity

knowthetriggers

Hi Karen - sorry to hear of your issues. We have all been there at one time or another.

I hope you don't believe this statement above. It it just his way of blaming you and not taking responsibility for his actions. However, you seem to have a level head (although a tired one) to know this.

I too could suggest on line Alanon meetings if you can't find one to fit your schedule.

Tight hugs!

firebolt

I'm so sorry you are living with that. I also am with someone that can't seem to respect my boundary to stay the hell out of our bedroom if he is *faced. GRRR. I have a new bed, and I want to sleep in it damn it. But the truth is, if he is in there wasted, I won't sleep. And I too will let it ruin my next day from time to time, and it is just easier and better for my all around happiness to leave and sleep in the guest room.

So much empathy here.

biminiblue

This, "If you would have sex with me," BS - just ugh.

Like anyone would have sex with you, buddy.