Do I go or continue to let go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Do I go or continue to let go?
As some of you might know I recently ended a long distance relationship of 3 ½ years with an alcoholic. I shouldn’t even say I ended it because I continue to get dragged right back into it and he still considers me his “fiancé”.
I have in many ways moved on. I am no longer under the delusion that he will change and we will actually get our chance at a real life together. I have given up the hope and dream of becoming his wife, mother to his children, having a home together, growing old together. I know that will not happen and for the most part I am ok with that knowing what I know now.
He relapsed about 4 months ago ( a month before I was supposed to move there, because of this, I stayed put) and it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions since. He has no job, he lives with his parents, he continues to drink even after several trips to the hospital, even when he has lost most of his friends, his job, his son, me.
He was arrested shortly after I broke things off and I was told he would be there for at least 6 months, I was relieved, I felt I could finally move on for good if he was locked up and I was happy he would be in a place where he would sober up and remain sober.
Then for whatever reason his parents bailed him out, we were all hoping that perhaps sitting in jail for a little while would scare him enough to get it together. It did not. He went right back to the booze.
He has a court date on the 4th (which I would be surprised he even makes) but this one is for another warrant that is related to a DUI. He is pretty certain he will be going back to jail and he won’t have the option to be bailed out this time. Of course that makes me feel relieved for the most part, this to me means I will have absolute peace, but he has used it as an excuse to keep getting wasted and he tries every means possible to keep me in his life. I can’t seem to be strong enough to completely let go. I have let go in many ways, I am taking care of me and moving on with my life here, 1500 miles away from him but I still allow guilt and the old feelings I had get the best of me.
He is up to 2 liters of vodka a day, he mixes this with klonopin and muscle relaxers. He rarely makes sense when he contacts me, mostly just spends his day in his bedroom, drinking and sleeping. Once he wakes up at first I get the sweet, loving man I know, within an hour (after drinking) I am in tears because he turns into the meanest man on the planet! Depressed, whoa as me, angry, sad, confused, talking about his death coming soon, etc., etc.
Anyways my point of this post is that he has begged and pleaded with me to come see him before he goes away to jail or “dies”. I have told him a million and one times, if he is sober or is sobering up, yes, I will come. He promises he is and/or will but of course each day passes and he only gets worse. I am so frustrated and angry and I don’t even feel the same way about him and yet I still actually consider going!
My guilt for this man somehow always makes an appearance. Will he die soon? Most likely, at the rate he is going. Do I even think he cares that he will die? No, not anymore, he used to fear it, now he says “if it’s my time, it’s my time, that’s for God to decide”. He has also recently gone on and on about how he is granted eternal life and because of all of his suffering here on earth, he has a better life waiting in the afterlife. I feel as if he wants to die. I think this a very dangerous way to think, we have VERY different religious beliefs, but in any case that’s not relevant to this. My point is, I think his death is in the near future and he isn’t going to do anything to stop it.
My hope is that he does get put back in jail and is there for a VERY long time so he can sober up, stay sober, get healthy and hopefully gain some valuable lessons and perspective so he can come out a better man for it. Not for my sake, no if he goes to jail that’s my way of finally getting the chance to move on for good since I can't seem to be strong enough to do it on my own. Now I just want him to get better for himself and his son and the people that love him.
So why go see him on the 29th? I don’t know, the thought that it might be the last time I ever see him. The hope that I can feel those feelings of love again. I haven’t seen him in 4 months, regardless of all the BS and my determination to let go for good, I still love him and miss him and miss the way things used to be. I hate the idea that if he does die or he goes away for a very long time that I might have just missed that opportunity to see him. Is it worth it????
He has managed to allow 2 previous trips to fall through because he was drunk or sick from alcohol. I have told him since that I will not see him if he is drinking, but he only has continued to drink and can’t understand why I can’t just dismiss that and come see him. The the fact that he’s dying or going to jail should be reason for me to make an exception in his mind. Even his parents and best friend keep getting on me about it, saying that he needs me and my support more than ever. I feel like this is so unfair but of course it has gotten to me and made me question my instinct to not go and keep moving on from him.
Thoughts?!!!!!
I have in many ways moved on. I am no longer under the delusion that he will change and we will actually get our chance at a real life together. I have given up the hope and dream of becoming his wife, mother to his children, having a home together, growing old together. I know that will not happen and for the most part I am ok with that knowing what I know now.
He relapsed about 4 months ago ( a month before I was supposed to move there, because of this, I stayed put) and it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions since. He has no job, he lives with his parents, he continues to drink even after several trips to the hospital, even when he has lost most of his friends, his job, his son, me.
He was arrested shortly after I broke things off and I was told he would be there for at least 6 months, I was relieved, I felt I could finally move on for good if he was locked up and I was happy he would be in a place where he would sober up and remain sober.
Then for whatever reason his parents bailed him out, we were all hoping that perhaps sitting in jail for a little while would scare him enough to get it together. It did not. He went right back to the booze.
He has a court date on the 4th (which I would be surprised he even makes) but this one is for another warrant that is related to a DUI. He is pretty certain he will be going back to jail and he won’t have the option to be bailed out this time. Of course that makes me feel relieved for the most part, this to me means I will have absolute peace, but he has used it as an excuse to keep getting wasted and he tries every means possible to keep me in his life. I can’t seem to be strong enough to completely let go. I have let go in many ways, I am taking care of me and moving on with my life here, 1500 miles away from him but I still allow guilt and the old feelings I had get the best of me.
He is up to 2 liters of vodka a day, he mixes this with klonopin and muscle relaxers. He rarely makes sense when he contacts me, mostly just spends his day in his bedroom, drinking and sleeping. Once he wakes up at first I get the sweet, loving man I know, within an hour (after drinking) I am in tears because he turns into the meanest man on the planet! Depressed, whoa as me, angry, sad, confused, talking about his death coming soon, etc., etc.
Anyways my point of this post is that he has begged and pleaded with me to come see him before he goes away to jail or “dies”. I have told him a million and one times, if he is sober or is sobering up, yes, I will come. He promises he is and/or will but of course each day passes and he only gets worse. I am so frustrated and angry and I don’t even feel the same way about him and yet I still actually consider going!
My guilt for this man somehow always makes an appearance. Will he die soon? Most likely, at the rate he is going. Do I even think he cares that he will die? No, not anymore, he used to fear it, now he says “if it’s my time, it’s my time, that’s for God to decide”. He has also recently gone on and on about how he is granted eternal life and because of all of his suffering here on earth, he has a better life waiting in the afterlife. I feel as if he wants to die. I think this a very dangerous way to think, we have VERY different religious beliefs, but in any case that’s not relevant to this. My point is, I think his death is in the near future and he isn’t going to do anything to stop it.
My hope is that he does get put back in jail and is there for a VERY long time so he can sober up, stay sober, get healthy and hopefully gain some valuable lessons and perspective so he can come out a better man for it. Not for my sake, no if he goes to jail that’s my way of finally getting the chance to move on for good since I can't seem to be strong enough to do it on my own. Now I just want him to get better for himself and his son and the people that love him.
So why go see him on the 29th? I don’t know, the thought that it might be the last time I ever see him. The hope that I can feel those feelings of love again. I haven’t seen him in 4 months, regardless of all the BS and my determination to let go for good, I still love him and miss him and miss the way things used to be. I hate the idea that if he does die or he goes away for a very long time that I might have just missed that opportunity to see him. Is it worth it????
He has managed to allow 2 previous trips to fall through because he was drunk or sick from alcohol. I have told him since that I will not see him if he is drinking, but he only has continued to drink and can’t understand why I can’t just dismiss that and come see him. The the fact that he’s dying or going to jail should be reason for me to make an exception in his mind. Even his parents and best friend keep getting on me about it, saying that he needs me and my support more than ever. I feel like this is so unfair but of course it has gotten to me and made me question my instinct to not go and keep moving on from him.
Thoughts?!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
My thoughts? For what they are worth. He isn't two separate people. He is both the alcoholic and the man you love. Are you willing to continue this? He will always be these two sides, even if in recovery. Those demons will always be close to the surface. He lives with his parents and doesn't hold down a job. He abuses both alcohol and drugs. He isn't willing to stop any of that. Is that what you envision for your life and your child's life? His actions have told you who he is. How do you think these things will change? Big hugs to you. If you choose to stay you are much more brave than I would be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think your guilt over this is more about you than it is about him. Unless one has really done something they think is wrong and need to atone or make up for that somehow, guilt is a fairly useless emotion that keeps us stuck in familiar surroundings rather than risk venturing into new and unpredictable ones. You can't really move forward until you let this go.
You can hope all you want that he ends up in jail -- jail isn't a sure-fire key to sobriety and especially not to sobriety. You can worry all you like over his impending health failures, but there's no predictability or assurance there either.
Here's what you know: he doesn't want to change. The real question is: do you?
You can hope all you want that he ends up in jail -- jail isn't a sure-fire key to sobriety and especially not to sobriety. You can worry all you like over his impending health failures, but there's no predictability or assurance there either.
Here's what you know: he doesn't want to change. The real question is: do you?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
JKSGRL... my thoughts are you need to get into therapy and try and understand the deep-seated issues you have in even relating to or identifying with this person, let alone being in love and wanting a life together with him. Even your name begs questioning (I'm guessing his name is Jack?). He has absolutely NOTHING going for him and a huge enabling cheering section for a family. And he is trying to slowly commit suicide and is now even looking forward to his death. You yearn for the "idea" of a relationship. The odds are stacked up so high with this one I'm thinking it's fair to say it will never happen. So what are you trying to achieve by having a visit with this person again?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Just to clarify Sotiredofitall, I have NO intention to actually make a life with this man, I have accepted what he is and what a life would be like with him and that’s why I continue to try to move on but I guess the part of me that hasn't completely let go would actually like to see him one last time, like a proper good-bye but I'm wondering if that is even worth it.
SparkleKitty you are right, the guilt is more about me. And at this point my reasons for hanging on are in fact most likely selfish ones if I really think about it. I also struggle with feeling like I am abandoning him, that he’ll feel as if I don’t care and don’t love him and he’ll just die alone and sad. We had such a strong, powerful love and I promised I would never give up on him but it just became too much. I hate to hear him this way, I hate seeing him that way and it has drained me in so many ways. I am trying to can’t back so much of what has been destroyed, but yeah I always go back to this silly notion that
we have this rare, amazing, true love and I can’t turn my back on it no matter what. I am sure I am still in denial about that, that I am not able to see it for what it really is.
Seeing him would be more for me I guess, I mean I am not sure what he would really get out of it and I would probably have a terrible time if he stays in the condition he is. Yeah I see that it’s pretty evident that I shouldn’t go.
SparkleKitty you are right, the guilt is more about me. And at this point my reasons for hanging on are in fact most likely selfish ones if I really think about it. I also struggle with feeling like I am abandoning him, that he’ll feel as if I don’t care and don’t love him and he’ll just die alone and sad. We had such a strong, powerful love and I promised I would never give up on him but it just became too much. I hate to hear him this way, I hate seeing him that way and it has drained me in so many ways. I am trying to can’t back so much of what has been destroyed, but yeah I always go back to this silly notion that
we have this rare, amazing, true love and I can’t turn my back on it no matter what. I am sure I am still in denial about that, that I am not able to see it for what it really is.
Seeing him would be more for me I guess, I mean I am not sure what he would really get out of it and I would probably have a terrible time if he stays in the condition he is. Yeah I see that it’s pretty evident that I shouldn’t go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
All this emotional turmoil via a phone imagine your emotional turmoil in person. At least you can admit that you are not strong enough yet to cut all ties and have come here seeking help. He’s done NOTHING absolutely NOTHING and you are thinking of “rewarding” him for that and caving in to his demands. Which leads me to: alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages. Willing hostages usually.
He and his family and best friend are not only being unfair to you but unrealistic as well. Your present’s in his life has nothing at all to do with him drinking or not drinking, hasn’t he proven that already? They are grasping at straws how about you suggest al-anon to them and give it a try for yourself.
He and his family and best friend are not only being unfair to you but unrealistic as well. Your present’s in his life has nothing at all to do with him drinking or not drinking, hasn’t he proven that already? They are grasping at straws how about you suggest al-anon to them and give it a try for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
And SparkleKitty I know jail isn't a solution for his addiction, but at this point I feel it's the only way he will sober up and maybe once he is sober long enough, he might start to really think about his life and finally want some change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
2 years ago I ended a long term relationship. I also ended the cycle of break-up make-up and finally came out of the FOG
F = fear
O = obligation
G = guilt
I was checked out of the relationship a while before I finally left for good. His threats of suicide, and my fears of him ODing kept me hostage for a long time.
He’s still alive, still seeking new doctors and pills, hasn’t changed one bit with the exception of not driving because of 2 DUI’s and is living his life just fine without me. The biggest change is that “I” no longer have a front row seat to the madness, those seats are reserved for the next willing participants.
F = fear
O = obligation
G = guilt
I was checked out of the relationship a while before I finally left for good. His threats of suicide, and my fears of him ODing kept me hostage for a long time.
He’s still alive, still seeking new doctors and pills, hasn’t changed one bit with the exception of not driving because of 2 DUI’s and is living his life just fine without me. The biggest change is that “I” no longer have a front row seat to the madness, those seats are reserved for the next willing participants.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sounds like a really bad idea to me. He is deep in his addiction. Your arrival is not going to ceremoniously sober him up while there. Why would you want this memory? You speak of the importance of the memory of seeing him one last time. Why not focus on the memories that you have on him that are good because this is not a good memory. It honestly loos like self flagellation. If he is set on dying ain't one damn thing you can do about it. Many a person has tried to love their partner sobER to no avail it does NOT work.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by JKSGRL 
And SparkleKitty I know jail isn't a solution for his addiction, but at this point I feel it's the only way he will sober up and maybe once he is sober long enough, he might start to really think about his life and finally want some change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I understand that is what you're hoping. My point is that there is no guarantee of it playing out the way you hope, even if he does go to jail. Without the drive and desire and truly embrace recovery, enforced sobriety via prison sentence won't make a long term difference.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
i don't think it is sad, it is human. I know when mine had a choice : go to jail, go directly to jail or wear an anklet for 1 year and not drink. I was so happy he got the anklet. I felt the same way you did.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by JKSGRL
And SparkleKitty I know jail isn't a solution for his addiction, but at this point I feel it's the only way he will sober up and maybe once he is sober long enough, he might start to really think about his life and finally want some change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Sounds like a really bad idea to me. He is deep in his addiction. Your arrival is not going to ceremoniously sober him up while there. Why would you want this memory? You speak of the importance of the memory of seeing him one last time. Why not focus on the memories that you have on him that are good because this is not a good memory. It honestly loos like self flagellation. If he is set on dying ain't one damn thing you can do about it. Many a person has tried to love their partner sobER to no avail it does NOT work.
Yep I told him when he got out of jail that if he stayed sober, I would come out, then when he started drinking again, it was sober up or I'm not coming and he hasn't even tried. It’s time for me to try harder at moving on. It’s definitely a process! I am thankful for all of your advice!
He uses the "you don't know what I go through, I'm an alcoholic" excuse all the time and I usually cave and say to myself, "well he's not trying to hurt me, it's the disease” but that doesn’t fly for me anymore. He had numerous opportunities to help himself and he doesn't even want it. Going to see him like this wouldn’t do any good for anyone. Your right redatlanta, better to remember him in a good way and not expose myself to any more bad.
Why is this so hard? I'm smart enough to know better but.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
It sounds to me like a lot of quacking on his part, and his family's part. Seeing him in his pitiful state may alleviate the fears you have of never seeing him again, but having made it 4 months separate, it would also be a step backward in your own recovery from the relationship.
FWIW, my A went to jail a few years back for his DUI and spent 4 months in there sobering up and feeling like a new man. Fast forward a few months after her release to him drinking again. Jail did not heal him, as much as we all hoped it would, himself included.
Isn't it better for everyone involved to let him hit his own bottom and make the choice for himself to recover? Isn't it better for you to release him? It's hard because emotions are always harder to overcome than logic (pot, kettle, black??) but an objective view goes a long way in making choices we struggle with. Good for you for having the smarts to pause and ask for help before acting.
FWIW, my A went to jail a few years back for his DUI and spent 4 months in there sobering up and feeling like a new man. Fast forward a few months after her release to him drinking again. Jail did not heal him, as much as we all hoped it would, himself included.
Isn't it better for everyone involved to let him hit his own bottom and make the choice for himself to recover? Isn't it better for you to release him? It's hard because emotions are always harder to overcome than logic (pot, kettle, black??) but an objective view goes a long way in making choices we struggle with. Good for you for having the smarts to pause and ask for help before acting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Refiner
JKSGRL... my thoughts are you need to get into therapy and try and understand the deep-seated issues you have in even relating to or identifying with this person, let alone being in love and wanting a life together with him. Even your name begs questioning (I'm guessing his name is Jack?). He has absolutely NOTHING going for him and a huge enabling cheering section for a family. And he is trying to slowly commit suicide and is now even looking forward to his death. You yearn for the "idea" of a relationship. The odds are stacked up so high with this one I'm thinking it's fair to say it will never happen. So what are you trying to achieve by having a visit with this person again?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by atalose
2 years ago I ended a long term relationship. I also ended the cycle of break-up make-up and finally came out of the FOG
F = fear
O = obligation
G = guilt
I was checked out of the relationship a while before I finally left for good. His threats of suicide, and my fears of him ODing kept me hostage for a long time.
He’s still alive, still seeking new doctors and pills, hasn’t changed one bit with the exception of not driving because of 2 DUI’s and is living his life just fine without me. The biggest change is that “I” no longer have a front row seat to the madness, those seats are reserved for the next willing participants.
F = fear
O = obligation
G = guilt
I was checked out of the relationship a while before I finally left for good. His threats of suicide, and my fears of him ODing kept me hostage for a long time.
He’s still alive, still seeking new doctors and pills, hasn’t changed one bit with the exception of not driving because of 2 DUI’s and is living his life just fine without me. The biggest change is that “I” no longer have a front row seat to the madness, those seats are reserved for the next willing participants.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by atalose
All this emotional turmoil via a phone imagine your emotional turmoil in person. At least you can admit that you are not strong enough yet to cut all ties and have come here seeking help. He’s done NOTHING absolutely NOTHING and you are thinking of “rewarding” him for that and caving in to his demands. Which leads me to: alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages. Willing hostages usually.
He and his family and best friend are not only being unfair to you but unrealistic as well. Your present’s in his life has nothing at all to do with him drinking or not drinking, hasn’t he proven that already? They are grasping at straws how about you suggest al-anon to them and give it a try for yourself.
He and his family and best friend are not only being unfair to you but unrealistic as well. Your present’s in his life has nothing at all to do with him drinking or not drinking, hasn’t he proven that already? They are grasping at straws how about you suggest al-anon to them and give it a try for yourself.
You're exactly right atalose why in the hell would I reward him for not only doing NOTHING about his issues, but also for treating me like crap! When I step away from it I realize how insane I sound even considering it, but well I am sure all of you understand how easy it is to get caught up in it!
I have tried to give advice to his parents and best friend concerning the enabling, I have tried to explain I am trying to move on and they make it harder, his best friend is receptive to it, but his parents, geesh, I don't get it. I am sure I can't understand what being a parent to an alcoholic feels like BUT this has been on and off for over 15 years! They should know by now that what they are doing isn’t working, I mean it only took me 3 years, lol! I was floored when they bailed him out of jail, I was like OMG don't they want some freaking peace!!!! And his mom actually said to me the other day that she understands why he is drinking he is scared to go back to jail....I was like WAIT, WHAT?! And that certainly makes me question what I do, you know? That's clouds my judgement.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by JKSGRL
And again I have to work on myself and figure out why I would allow someone like this in my life over and over again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by JKSGRL
And his mom actually said to me the other day that she understands why he is drinking he is scared to go back to jail....I was like WAIT, WHAT?!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
