Do I go or continue to let go?

Old 04-24-2015, 12:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Be good to yourself. Just think where you'd be at if you were half as good to yourself as you've been to him. You deserve such much better and you are worthy of TRUE love!
Thank you Refiner! That really helped looking at it from that perspective!
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 01:28 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Jenibean87 View Post
It sounds to me like a lot of quacking on his part, and his family's part. Seeing him in his pitiful state may alleviate the fears you have of never seeing him again, but having made it 4 months separate, it would also be a step backward in your own recovery from the relationship.

FWIW, my A went to jail a few years back for his DUI and spent 4 months in there sobering up and feeling like a new man. Fast forward a few months after her release to him drinking again. Jail did not heal him, as much as we all hoped it would, himself included.

Isn't it better for everyone involved to let him hit his own bottom and make the choice for himself to recover? Isn't it better for you to release him? It's hard because emotions are always harder to overcome than logic (pot, kettle, black??) but an objective view goes a long way in making choices we struggle with. Good for you for having the smarts to pause and ask for help before acting.
Thank you for this Jenibean. Yes I have thought about that fact that seeing him after so long would just rip me open and set me back. I have told him that every time I see him physically I fall more in love or rather reignite something and it becomes that much more painful when he breaks my heart again. So I was constantly asking "you promise you won't hurt me like that again" and of course it's always "I promise honey, I will never hurt you again", ugh. I know that's unrealistic in any relationship but I don't know, I still have a hard time realizing that a promise from an alcoholic is pretty damn different than a promise from a "normal" person. And I just can’t imagine how any human being can hurt someone they say they love as much as he has hurt me.

So yes by now, after 4 months physically apart and having to go through the disappointment of him ruining the last 2 chances we had at seeing each other, I have been able to detach to a good degree. Seeing him, good or bad, would really mess with my heart and she needs protecting, she needs to continue to heal.

If everyone in his life would step away and let him hit rock bottom, yeah that is absolutely the only way he would get it but I fear that won’t happen. His parents won’t let that happen. Everyone else pretty much has, they won’t and they use the excuse that he is dying and they would rather he die in a peaceful, safe place than on the streets somewhere. I have told him that everyone in his life is pretty much fed up and one of these days he is going to find himself all alone and no one will help him out. He just laughed and said “that will never happen”. Yeah…..lost cause. I’ll always hold hope for him but…..he is far from getting it and I am just asking for pain by staying attached to him.

Yep these posts really help to clarify things!
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 01:35 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
Seeing him, good or bad, would really mess with my heart and she needs protecting, she needs to continue to heal.
^^^THIS^^^ is what it's all about!

Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
I have told him that everyone in his life is pretty much fed up and one of these days he is going to find himself all alone and no one will help him out. He just laughed and said “that will never happen”. :
Wow, what a brazen entitled jerk he is to answer with that.
Refiner is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 01:40 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
LMAO!! Oh LORDY you can't make this stuff up! That needs to go in the quackery thread. A quack from the quacker's enabler!
I wish that was the worse enabling thing I heard from her. I think the craziest one I heard from her was that it's the devil, that he has a hold of her son and he can't get free. It isn't her son doing this, it's the devil. Oh boy just writing that made me roll my eyes and slap my forehead. What in the hell was I thinking?!!! LOL, I have to have a sense of humor about it at this point!
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 01:46 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
^^^THIS^^^ is what it's all about!

I'm getting it....slowly but surely, lol.



Wow, what a brazen entitled jerk he is to answer with that.
Oh you have no idea, when he is deep in his binges, well in his mind, he is GOD, well scratch that, he believes he is the devil and plays the part, wonder where he got that from?!

I know this all sounds really crazy and it is, I don't know, I guess after awhile their crazy life becomes the norm to you. I went into this relationship with good intentions, I fell in love with a man that was really real and good so by the time all this started I was in deep.

Again why places like this are so important, writing it down, getting valid advice, really helps to pull you out of the craziness.

I never, ever want to live that kind of live again!
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 01:55 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
I wish that was the worse enabling thing I heard from her. I think the craziest one I heard from her was that it's the devil, that he has a hold of her son and he can't get free. It isn't her son doing this, it's the devil. Oh boy just writing that made me roll my eyes and slap my forehead. What in the hell was I thinking?!!! LOL, I have to have a sense of humor about it at this point!
And I am not doubting that an alcoholic feels it's an evil thing that takes over them, I'm just stating that I feel that blaming the "devil" and not taking responsibility for their contribution does not help!
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 02:05 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
If you really want to let go change your phone number,block your email.





Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
As some of you might know I recently ended a long distance relationship of 3 ½ years with an alcoholic. I shouldn’t even say I ended it because I continue to get dragged right back into it and he still considers me his “fiancé”.

I have in many ways moved on. I am no longer under the delusion that he will change and we will actually get our chance at a real life together. I have given up the hope and dream of becoming his wife, mother to his children, having a home together, growing old together. I know that will not happen and for the most part I am ok with that knowing what I know now.

He relapsed about 4 months ago ( a month before I was supposed to move there, because of this, I stayed put) and it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions since. He has no job, he lives with his parents, he continues to drink even after several trips to the hospital, even when he has lost most of his friends, his job, his son, me.

He was arrested shortly after I broke things off and I was told he would be there for at least 6 months, I was relieved, I felt I could finally move on for good if he was locked up and I was happy he would be in a place where he would sober up and remain sober.

Then for whatever reason his parents bailed him out, we were all hoping that perhaps sitting in jail for a little while would scare him enough to get it together. It did not. He went right back to the booze.

He has a court date on the 4th (which I would be surprised he even makes) but this one is for another warrant that is related to a DUI. He is pretty certain he will be going back to jail and he won’t have the option to be bailed out this time. Of course that makes me feel relieved for the most part, this to me means I will have absolute peace, but he has used it as an excuse to keep getting wasted and he tries every means possible to keep me in his life. I can’t seem to be strong enough to completely let go. I have let go in many ways, I am taking care of me and moving on with my life here, 1500 miles away from him but I still allow guilt and the old feelings I had get the best of me.

He is up to 2 liters of vodka a day, he mixes this with klonopin and muscle relaxers. He rarely makes sense when he contacts me, mostly just spends his day in his bedroom, drinking and sleeping. Once he wakes up at first I get the sweet, loving man I know, within an hour (after drinking) I am in tears because he turns into the meanest man on the planet! Depressed, whoa as me, angry, sad, confused, talking about his death coming soon, etc., etc.

Anyways my point of this post is that he has begged and pleaded with me to come see him before he goes away to jail or “dies”. I have told him a million and one times, if he is sober or is sobering up, yes, I will come. He promises he is and/or will but of course each day passes and he only gets worse. I am so frustrated and angry and I don’t even feel the same way about him and yet I still actually consider going!

My guilt for this man somehow always makes an appearance. Will he die soon? Most likely, at the rate he is going. Do I even think he cares that he will die? No, not anymore, he used to fear it, now he says “if it’s my time, it’s my time, that’s for God to decide”. He has also recently gone on and on about how he is granted eternal life and because of all of his suffering here on earth, he has a better life waiting in the afterlife. I feel as if he wants to die. I think this a very dangerous way to think, we have VERY different religious beliefs, but in any case that’s not relevant to this. My point is, I think his death is in the near future and he isn’t going to do anything to stop it.

My hope is that he does get put back in jail and is there for a VERY long time so he can sober up, stay sober, get healthy and hopefully gain some valuable lessons and perspective so he can come out a better man for it. Not for my sake, no if he goes to jail that’s my way of finally getting the chance to move on for good since I can't seem to be strong enough to do it on my own. Now I just want him to get better for himself and his son and the people that love him.

So why go see him on the 29th? I don’t know, the thought that it might be the last time I ever see him. The hope that I can feel those feelings of love again. I haven’t seen him in 4 months, regardless of all the BS and my determination to let go for good, I still love him and miss him and miss the way things used to be. I hate the idea that if he does die or he goes away for a very long time that I might have just missed that opportunity to see him. Is it worth it????

He has managed to allow 2 previous trips to fall through because he was drunk or sick from alcohol. I have told him since that I will not see him if he is drinking, but he only has continued to drink and can’t understand why I can’t just dismiss that and come see him. The the fact that he’s dying or going to jail should be reason for me to make an exception in his mind. Even his parents and best friend keep getting on me about it, saying that he needs me and my support more than ever. I feel like this is so unfair but of course it has gotten to me and made me question my instinct to not go and keep moving on from him.

Thoughts?!!!!!
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 05:54 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
You are allowing yourself to live in a fantasy world--NO ONE can ever guarantee that you will never be hurt again, much less an active alcoholic, living with his parents, who's so self-centered that he can't even change for his own son!

This is NOT a relationship--you've moved away physically--why do you keep allowing him to torture you mentally?? Cut ties with him and all who enable him.

Go somewhere on the 29th that YOU want to visit--not running back to craziness!
Sikofit is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 06:59 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
If you really want to let go change your phone number,block your email.
.Easier said than done Earthworm, I have tried and I am trying. I stopped communication with him again, I cancelled all my travel plans, lost some money because of it but at this point I believe I'd lose a lot more going.

I’m still struggling with blocking him again. I read the messages he sends, listen to the voicemails but I don’t respond and I have no desire to respond at this point, the messages haven’t been mean, they are pretty sad. He emails me our songs and tells me to please forgive him, that he can’t live without me but I have heard it all a million times before and I am afraid to respond now because of how quickly he changes into a narcissist once we actually speak.

The last conversation we had he was actually calm and I was able to express myself in a mature, loving way. I didn’t have to yell back or be left in tears. Of course I realize that he still isn’t himself and likely doesn’t really hear me or rather he doesn’t take me seriously (which is my own damn fault) but I felt good about the conversation regardless. I said my peace and left it with kind words explaining that I laid out my boundaries and he didn’t respect them and as much as I want to be in his life it isn’t healthy for me anymore and I have to finally stick to my guns. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him, I just need to move on and heal. He seemed to be rather understanding about it but again he is so deep in his addiction right now that I don’t think he really gets it or cares for that matter.

His best friend is very upset with me. In his mind I am giving up on him when he is at the lowest he’s ever been. I asked him to please educate himself on the “disease” like I am trying and perhaps he’ll understand where I am coming from. But man that’s a bitch, when his family and best friend believe I am being heartless and giving up on a “dying” man. They absolutely do not seem to understand my decision to move on when he is such a mess, probably won’t live long or will be going to jail for a long time. They think I am being selfish because in this circumstance I should dismiss all the BS and just be there for him. They can’t begin to understand why I just won’t keep my travel plans and come be with, to love him as he is knowing this might be the end of the road. And then this is when I start to doubt myself……

JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 07:02 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Sikofit View Post

Go somewhere on the 29th that YOU want to visit--not running back to craziness!

I took your advice Sikofit and I am getting away with some of my best friends to the beach, being near the ocean always seems to soothe me and being around people I love that are really there for me, that's a MUCH better way to spend my time than being exposed to his misery. I am seriously trying my damnest to move on the best way I know how. I have MOMENTS of weakness which are better than being weak all the time, like I used to be. I have great hope that I am moving in the right direction so THANK YOU for the suggestion!
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 07:05 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
It sounds like he has NPD AND is and addict. The worst combo EVER and they NEVER change. You can put up as many boundaries as you want to but an NPD will NEVER respect them. He is off the rails in crazy land and you need to stay out of his way as he derails.
Refiner is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 07:18 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you already know your own answer.

Just sending you support and many hugs! XXX
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 07:21 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
It sounds like he has NPD AND is and addict. The worst combo EVER and they NEVER change. You can put up as many boundaries as you want to but an NPD will NEVER respect them. He is off the rails in crazy land and you need to stay out of his way as he derails.
Sorry I'm not very familiar with the lingo yet, do you mind explaining to me what NPD is??
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 07:32 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
Sorry I'm not very familiar with the lingo yet, do you mind explaining to me what NPD is??
Sorry I realize that is narcissistic personality disorder and yes I am very aware that he is both.

I am just trying to figure out how his parents and best friend aren't aware of this and aren't able to support me trying to move on and better myself. I am doing this because I believe it's best for BOTH of us, but they refuse to accept what I am doing as something that will help.
JKSGRL is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 07:45 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
Sorry I'm not very familiar with the lingo yet, do you mind explaining to me what NPD is??
Oh myyyyy... here we go. Look up Narcississtic Personality Disorder and let me know what you think!
Refiner is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 07:48 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
I am just trying to figure out how his parents and best friend aren't aware of this and aren't able to support me trying to move on and better myself. I am doing this because I believe it's best for BOTH of us, but they refuse to accept what I am doing as something that will help.
You may never be able to convince them that what you're doing is best for everyone, and may need to let go of your need to do so. In reality, you don't have to explain yourself to people. You're taking care of yourself, that's enough.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 08:04 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
.Easier said than done Earthworm, I have tried and I am trying. I stopped communication with him again, I cancelled all my travel plans, lost some money because of it but at this point I believe I'd lose a lot more going.

I’m still struggling with blocking him again. I read the messages he sends, listen to the voicemails but I don’t respond and I have no desire to respond at this point, the messages haven’t been mean, they are pretty sad. He emails me our songs and tells me to please forgive him, that he can’t live without me but I have heard it all a million times before and I am afraid to respond now because of how quickly he changes into a narcissist once we actually speak.

The last conversation we had he was actually calm and I was able to express myself in a mature, loving way. I didn’t have to yell back or be left in tears. Of course I realize that he still isn’t himself and likely doesn’t really hear me or rather he doesn’t take me seriously (which is my own damn fault) but I felt good about the conversation regardless. I said my peace and left it with kind words explaining that I laid out my boundaries and he didn’t respect them and as much as I want to be in his life it isn’t healthy for me anymore and I have to finally stick to my guns. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him, I just need to move on and heal. He seemed to be rather understanding about it but again he is so deep in his addiction right now that I don’t think he really gets it or cares for that matter.

His best friend is very upset with me. In his mind I am giving up on him when he is at the lowest he’s ever been. I asked him to please educate himself on the “disease” like I am trying and perhaps he’ll understand where I am coming from. But man that’s a bitch, when his family and best friend believe I am being heartless and giving up on a “dying” man. They absolutely do not seem to understand my decision to move on when he is such a mess, probably won’t live long or will be going to jail for a long time. They think I am being selfish because in this circumstance I should dismiss all the BS and just be there for him. They can’t begin to understand why I just won’t keep my travel plans and come be with, to love him as he is knowing this might be the end of the road. And then this is when I start to doubt myself……

Oh gosh I am so sorry!

What a whole load of emotional blackmail! From him and his family.

I had something similar when I refused to stay on and be enabler to my functioning addict (although a lot less dramatic). His family also didn't understand and made it clear they disapproved of my decision, and made out I was cruel, heartless B etc...

I asked them to educate themselves on addiction and they chose not to.

As soon as they realised I had actually left, they dropped me like a hot potato. They also didn't give a darn about my emotional welfare. Not a hoot. To me it seemed like they purely wanted to use me so that I would be the one to take responsibility for him.

That is how it seems to me.

That sounds like an awful lot of pressure they are putting on you.
CarmenLove is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 08:05 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
You may never be able to convince them that what you're doing is best for everyone, and may need to let go of your need to do so. In reality, you don't have to explain yourself to people. You're taking care of yourself, that's enough.
Oh that is such a hard one to accept!!

I know it's true though.
CarmenLove is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 08:48 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by JKSGRL View Post
Sorry I'm not very familiar with the lingo yet, do you mind explaining to me what NPD is??
Here's just a link tell me what you think.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Alcohol Rehab
Refiner is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 09:01 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If you’re not ready to cut him out of your life and that “something missing inside of you” still needs to hear his messages and read his emails and texts, then at least cut him family and best friend out, for now.

You are doing pretty well with not responding to him but your stress level surrounding his family and best friend is running high.
atalose is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:20 PM.