He's home ...

Old 04-24-2015, 09:37 AM
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It always is my fault but that one doesnt work on me. However, i know i will feel bad if i leave. He will drink. Hes a dry drunk (think thats what its called) for me. His kids, family and friends all tell me if it wasnt for me hed pro v ably be dead by now or still drinking. Thats a lot of pressure.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:26 AM
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I know what i need to do ... Doing it is another thing. I keep,doubting myself. I want him to be healthy, i want him not to drink. I want him, i love him. I feel like im fighting a losing battle. Can i do y his over and over?? When will I stop???
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:33 AM
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I think you know this but if he's going to drink? He's going to drink.

This applies no matter what he says, no matter what his family says, and no matter what you do. It literally has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his disease. You cannot save him.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:44 AM
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I know this ... But i was thinking i could help. But in the long run i cant, can I? I guess its just a band aid. like a lot of people, i think, if he saw sober life and the things he could do then hed want to change. I just dont think hes ready yet. He like the social party aspect of drinking. Sitting at home cant compete, its not exciting. I dont want to go through this again. My feelings are so mixed up. Sooo mixed up.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:49 AM
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oh hon, I am so sorry, I have felt the same way. Like he gets out of detox and then all is well? Mine is sober because he wears an anklet, and if it tests positive he goes to jail. He doesn't talk about the past ( his drinking) and how dare I bring it up?! the past is the past, I guess we are just supposed to forget and forgive all the crappy things they did because they are "sober" now and all is good again. He acts like because he is ok, that the rest of us should be over it. UGH!! I hated it, I banged my head against the wall so many times with him over it. I am glad to be done. I am so sorry
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:57 AM
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In the long run, in the short run...I know how difficult it is to accept that someone is not in the place you want them to be, or that you think they should be. He has the right to recover or not recover on his own timeline. I had to stop handing over the reins of my life to other people and the choices they make. We don't know the future. There's nothing to say this man doesn't recover someday and you find your way back to each other, but in the meantime, you have to consider what staying is costing you.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Shelliszoo View Post
His kids, family and friends all tell me if it wasnt for me hed pro v ably be dead by now or still drinking. Thats a lot of pressure.
That's a lot of quackery! He's going to drink if he's with you. He's going to drink if he's without you. He's going to drink if the grass is green. He's going to drink if the sky is blue. There's your poem for the day, lol. You don't deserve what he dishes out.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:45 AM
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The response im getting from this is helping me see what i really need to see. Again, i know this ... God, i just havent been able to give up and let go. Not when hes sober ... A coulle weeks ago when he was drinking. I wanted him gone so bad. Now i feel like im turning my back on him and not being loyal. For once ... I need to be selfish and only think about me! Thats a very hard thing for me to do.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:55 AM
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I know this must be frustrating for those of you that are so far ahead of me in this process. I thank you for your patience and wisdom. ☺
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Shelliszoo View Post
I know this must be frustrating for those of you that are so far ahead of me in this process. I thank you for your patience and wisdom. ☺
No, actually this is helpful for me, because I am in such a painful feeling place tonight and doubting myself.

Thank you for sharing.
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Old 04-24-2015, 01:03 PM
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He and They are holding you hostage with all that "if it wasn't for you garbage". . Also, anyone serious about sobriety ditches the drinking buddies.
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Old 04-24-2015, 01:31 PM
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There are numerous things i think hed do if he was serious ...
1. Ditch the drinking buddies
2. Stop making excuses not to go to meetings
3. Read the books i bought him that he said this time he would read.
4. Consider moving. We live on an island 3 blocks from his bar on y be same road. He says its a great idea to move then comes up with many reasons why not.
5. Just do what he says hes going to!! He starts strong then drops everything... Hes got it.
I think hes sucks me back in and then is like i got her ... Round two ... Just Keeps going. I wish tbey could see the other side hurts also ... Its not easy loving them. The damage is more then they know as their pain is more then ill ever know or understand .
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Old 04-24-2015, 01:46 PM
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Hey Shelliszoo,

So your situation is quite similar to mine except my AH returns next week. All we can do is hope, however - my AH knows he has to be actively seeking recovery as I will not support him ducking out of meetings/excuses/demands/******** basically. It's a truly awful situation but he has to be serious, you've got to reach a point where you know you are powerless over addiction and any consequences of his drinking is HIS choice not yours. Praying/hoping for his recovery. Keep well and much love.
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Old 04-25-2015, 05:25 AM
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He fools me a lot, im starting to understand this. Im not sure he actually lies to me yet, i believe that he believes what he is saying. The most dangerous kind of liar ... Those who think they are telling the truth.
One of yhe conditions his boss had for him to keep his job was for him to go talk to this counselor at his church. His boss took him there, on the clock of course, they talked for about 3 hours. When it was all said and done he joined their recovery program a 22 week program every Tuesday night. His AA group meets on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. The counselor told him not to get burnt out on to many meetings that God will take over. Not get burnt out???? Anyways, so now his plan is to see a physiologist one day a week, go to this church program and then church on Sunday. This is so temporary, this is about appeasing his boss until hes secure and appeasing me. He even started laying his ground work last night for an out. At dinner, which was silent and ackward, he did say "im not sure about thus church thing. Its a big church and i dont really see myself going there. If i dont like it maybe we could try something else. " i kind of chuckled and responded with "you dont seem to stick with anything. AA, reading any of the books you got or anything. You always do stuff long enough to suck everyone back in and then say you got this. The fact is , you dont have this and need some help. Until you decide that it will just be a repeative circle " . We went back to silence.
Im not sure whose head to bang againts the wall, mine or his. I keep saying i just want this to stop. But like him and his drinking ... Im the only one that can stop this for myself. Jump of the darn train. Stop complaining about stuff you can change on the outside it seems so simple, i guess it really is. However, i guess its the same all around, when your to change you will. I feel so ready but obviously Im not because here i sit on a beautiful morning doing this as life passes me by.
Right now writing this stuff and reading the responses is the only place i feel any release. I feel its making me stronger. So, i continue.
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Old 04-25-2015, 05:53 AM
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You certainly have your eyes wide open and see the clear picture though Shellie. Let me guess... It's his boss' church? That's nice... Now the boss thinks he can "fix" him. Too bad he thought about doing that just to keep his job. That sure doesn't sound like recovery, does it. How about he think about committing to a proven program of AA? Oh, that would mean a commitment to true recovery. I'm glad you're not taking his dodging crap laying down at least and tell him like it is so he doesn't think he's so slick after all. Keep posting. We're here for you!
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Old 04-25-2015, 06:21 AM
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Yes, it is his bosses church ...
Ive told him people use different programs, everyone is different. Im not againts people using any program over another, ive seen them all work, to me the fact is very simple ...
If you are not willing to change, no one can help you.
If you are determined to create change, no one can stop you!!!

It totally amazes me that i do see whats going on yet im still here? Wow, obviously i have some hope or something left. I have all these great things and ideas in my head for myself and everyone else but wow, i dont seem to apply them when it comes down to it. Im disappointed in my AB but im more so disappointed in myself. I DONT WANT LIFE TO PASS ME BY ... I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND ENJOY EVERYDAY!! I know ill always have issues who doesnt but dealing with this more so feeling like this ... Not for me. Why am i always the caregiver? Im the person everyone turns to when they have issue. Obviously, it makes me feel good and completes something i lack in myself. If i would just turn the same attention on myself that i do with everyone else ... God, i need ro fix myself not everyone else. I guess thats why i help everyone else, keeps my attention away from fixing me. Banging my head .... I do see all this so clearly!!! Even about myself. What am i doing??? Everyone comments how strong, confident, independent, no BS, assertive, etc type of woman I am. Ive been told by many im intimidating ... If they only knew ... If they only knew ... The outside can look so different from the inside. Im nothing most think i am. Inside im so lost ... Why doesnt that come through? Cant you see it when you look in my eyes? I can see it in others. I m just freaking lost ...
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Old 04-25-2015, 06:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Shelliszoo View Post
Yes, it is his bosses church ...
Ive told him people use different programs, everyone is different. Im not againts people using any program over another, ive seen them all work, to me the fact is very simple ...
If you are not willing to change, no one can help you.
If you are determined to create change, no one can stop you!!!

It totally amazes me that i do see whats going on yet im still here? Wow, obviously i have some hope or something left. I have all these great things and ideas in my head for myself and everyone else but wow, i dont seem to apply them when it comes down to it. Im disappointed in my AB but im more so disappointed in myself. I DONT WANT LIFE TO PASS ME BY ... I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND ENJOY EVERYDAY!! I know ill always have issues who doesnt but dealing with this more so feeling like this ... Not for me. Why am i always the caregiver? Im the person everyone turns to when they have issue. Obviously, it makes me feel good and completes something i lack in myself. If i would just turn the same attention on myself that i do with everyone else ... God, i need ro fix myself not everyone else. I guess thats why i help everyone else, keeps my attention away from fixing me. Banging my head .... I do see all this so clearly!!! Even about myself. What am i doing??? Everyone comments how strong, confident, independent, no BS, assertive, etc type of woman I am. Ive been told by many im intimidating ... If they only knew ... If they only knew ... The outside can look so different from the inside. Im nothing most think i am. Inside im so lost ... Why doesnt that come through? Cant you see it when you look in my eyes? I can see it in others. I m just freaking lost ...
Ah Shellizoo,

Sending BIG HUGS.

Today I notice I have been beating myself up also - why am I still upset about this... why can't I pull it together, and so on and on...

I think I am going to give myself a break from beating myself up and just get on with my day. As non perfect as it might be.

Yes I am still upset, yes I still care (when I would prefer that I didn't... hmmm maybe) however when it is time I will move on.

Sending you love.

What is the weather like where you are?
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Old 04-25-2015, 07:11 AM
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Shelli.....I'm glad that you are seeing through his BS.
I have noitced that so many alcoholics that are not quite ready for genuine sobriety.....but, who do have their back up against the wall by the wife or the boss or some other "power" in their life.....will grab onto anything that does not have the word "alcoholic" attached to it. (AT LEAST, AT FIRST...LOL!).
They will try the compromise: "I'll agree to see a minister and/or priest.... and a therapist and a marriage counselor. Just don't ask me to go to AA".

I think that the very word "Alcoholic" carrys a big stigma for m any people---and, I think it may be especially true for males. (The image of a man in a gutter drinking wine out of a bottle in a paper bag).
It signifies the stereotype of a person that is flawed. A person that is looked down upon by society, in general.
It also implies that one must give up alcohol in their life. Last thing an alcoholic wants to hear--because they can't even imagine life without alcohol for a whole week-end.....never mind, forever.
As long as the word "alcoholic" is never officially used....they seem to think that their self-esteem is still intact...and, that they can find a way to have a drink, should they need one.....and, that it won't be necessary to shoulder the responsibility for their actions.

LOL!.....I realize that I am rambling on about this.

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Old 04-25-2015, 07:20 AM
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Im so lucky, i live on an island. It was nice and the sun was shining now its overcast and suppose to rain. I have a 10 month old puppy that I was going to take walking on the beach but we will have to hold off on that. When im in my head i like to clean ... I have a pretty clean house, go figure ... Lol! But your very right ... I just need to stop obsessing for the day. Suck it up, put on my big panties and enjoy this wonderful weekend! Lmao ... What a crock of ÷×%%! But it
sounded good ...
Seriously, i do need to just enjoy this minute i have. Thanks, CarmenLove!!! Il 'll be following your foot steps today.
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Old 04-25-2015, 07:28 AM
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Dandylion, im the worst rambler ever ... I have enjoyed and appreciated everythjng you bave to say. Everything everyone has to say. I get so much from here. Right now i feel this is my life line. Im learning a lot and absolutly love all tbe different opinions. Some ate light hearted and some are blunt and to the point. They all keep my head above water right now. I have no one to vent to. I keep it all inside until i come here. There is not an al-anon within 45 miles of me. Friends and famimy put so much judgment that i dont turn to them.
I sincerely thank you for rambling!!!!
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