Gut Instincts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Gut Instincts
My intuition is telling me that my husband has been unfaithful.
Whether that is fear or my actual gut instinct, I don't know. Whether I'm being pragmatic or self doubting, I don't know.
Obviously I have already asked him about this many times and obviously he says he's done nothing wrong. He would NEVER be unfaithful. He's nothing if not loyal. He says. Part of me wants to believe that but on the other hand, he's a liar, and I know it. Either trust him or trust me. Both feel like a losing proposition.
I keep trying to use slogans and I'm coming up empty handed. I try to focus on myself but my gut is basically yelling at me to trust myself.
In December, shortly after I left the hospital my husband relapsed, while on Benzos, and during that time he emailed one of his female employees about how loving she was. There is always something weird going on with his car, like the passenger seat will be way reclined. A year ago there was a giant face smear on the interior window of his car and to this day he still feigns ignorance about it. Whether he's cheating or not he's doing something he shouldn't be and he won't be honest with me about it. Obviously I cannot stand it any longer and my body is making it pretty damn clear to the point that my mind is actually starting to listen.
I need to divorce this guy and everything is leading me to this conclusion but I'm afraid. I don't know why but I'm totally afraid.
Whether that is fear or my actual gut instinct, I don't know. Whether I'm being pragmatic or self doubting, I don't know.
Obviously I have already asked him about this many times and obviously he says he's done nothing wrong. He would NEVER be unfaithful. He's nothing if not loyal. He says. Part of me wants to believe that but on the other hand, he's a liar, and I know it. Either trust him or trust me. Both feel like a losing proposition.
I keep trying to use slogans and I'm coming up empty handed. I try to focus on myself but my gut is basically yelling at me to trust myself.
In December, shortly after I left the hospital my husband relapsed, while on Benzos, and during that time he emailed one of his female employees about how loving she was. There is always something weird going on with his car, like the passenger seat will be way reclined. A year ago there was a giant face smear on the interior window of his car and to this day he still feigns ignorance about it. Whether he's cheating or not he's doing something he shouldn't be and he won't be honest with me about it. Obviously I cannot stand it any longer and my body is making it pretty damn clear to the point that my mind is actually starting to listen.
I need to divorce this guy and everything is leading me to this conclusion but I'm afraid. I don't know why but I'm totally afraid.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Oh man. Not good. Let me ask you. If a friend told you they were having all of these feelings what would you say? Me I always say go with the gut. Problem is you can't point at your gut and say " here's my proof." You have to trust it.
If he is doing wrong I don't think it matters much what it is. It's wrong. Now the question is do you want to continue living this way?
If he is doing wrong I don't think it matters much what it is. It's wrong. Now the question is do you want to continue living this way?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I know. I've already asked myself "what would you tell your daughters?" "what would you tell a friend?" I'd say "if you even suspect they're doing something wrong then they've likely already gone way over the line."
My hair is falling out at a magnificent rate and I'm sleeping like crap. We're already separated but I'm afraid to have to make some declarations. It's easier for me to do this kind of stuff when I'm mad but since I've been working on myself I don't find that I'm mad so much anymore. Right now I'm sad and disappointed and scared.
My hair is falling out at a magnificent rate and I'm sleeping like crap. We're already separated but I'm afraid to have to make some declarations. It's easier for me to do this kind of stuff when I'm mad but since I've been working on myself I don't find that I'm mad so much anymore. Right now I'm sad and disappointed and scared.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Well, all of those feelings are fine and normal. If you are separated and there is no pressing need to take a more permanent step right now than don't. Give yourself more time. Maybe just keep tucked away in your head " by the end of the year I will have permanent plans in place." In the meantime get to your doc and tell him what's going on. Maybe a mild sedative or some supplements could help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Have you seen a lawyer? In your state, is it worth finding out for sure? You've got two very small girls. I think you are in an expensive area of CA and you are accustomed to a high cost of living.... I know you have your own business, but I'd bleed him up front personally. I am very driven on security as it makes me feel independent.
On the other hand, have you addressed this fear in counseling?
I was very scared to leave RAH. I really wavered back and forth. I kept at the steps and my mind has changed in the past 2 years at least 50 times. Today is my H's 2 Y sobriety date. He is my friend and housemate, but intimacy is nearly nonexistent. I've gotten over begging for it. I have not separated or filed yet, but my fear is gone now. I know it will be OK if I end this relationship. Most of my fear was fear of abandonment overlaid from my childhood. It took me awhile to have my own back. i sprung my amends to my H a few weeks back in couple's counseling. The end was suggesting we consider divorce. For now, he has decided to try Individual counseling for the first time. I will see how this plays out as I am curious. But I played my final hand and it was kind.
On the other hand, have you addressed this fear in counseling?
I was very scared to leave RAH. I really wavered back and forth. I kept at the steps and my mind has changed in the past 2 years at least 50 times. Today is my H's 2 Y sobriety date. He is my friend and housemate, but intimacy is nearly nonexistent. I've gotten over begging for it. I have not separated or filed yet, but my fear is gone now. I know it will be OK if I end this relationship. Most of my fear was fear of abandonment overlaid from my childhood. It took me awhile to have my own back. i sprung my amends to my H a few weeks back in couple's counseling. The end was suggesting we consider divorce. For now, he has decided to try Individual counseling for the first time. I will see how this plays out as I am curious. But I played my final hand and it was kind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
I'm sorry Stung. I've been there and it's not a fun place to be. I have to say, though, your head seems to be screwed on a lot tighter than mine was. I tried very hard to hide under a very large rock of denial for a very long time. That rock d@mn near crushed me.
As far as slogans, I really have to wrap myself around the Serenity Prayer. The courage to change the things I can is where my daily struggles lie.
I also try to release my STBXAH to his HP. Let go and let God. He isn't my responsibility anymore. He never really was. I've actually done very well with this. My days are no longer ordered with thoughts of his well being. I sleep better. I'm free of his choices and consequences. I don't constantly wonder if he's alive or dead. That's wonderfully shocking to me, and the change from constant worry to a peaceful release happened surprisingly quickly. Pretty much the day I decided to file for divorce.
You deserve peace Stung.
((((( hugs )))))
As far as slogans, I really have to wrap myself around the Serenity Prayer. The courage to change the things I can is where my daily struggles lie.
I also try to release my STBXAH to his HP. Let go and let God. He isn't my responsibility anymore. He never really was. I've actually done very well with this. My days are no longer ordered with thoughts of his well being. I sleep better. I'm free of his choices and consequences. I don't constantly wonder if he's alive or dead. That's wonderfully shocking to me, and the change from constant worry to a peaceful release happened surprisingly quickly. Pretty much the day I decided to file for divorce.
You deserve peace Stung.
((((( hugs )))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Stung, friend, yeah -- you're right. When you start having suspicions, there's usually some there there. I'm sorry. You're a well-balanced, thoroughly thinking woman and I know you'll figure this out.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck. Go with your gut. You know he's a liar, but you're hoping that for once you can believe him. You can't . You are afraid because when in doubt you can vacillate. When the truth is revealed, it forces you to make a decision. I knew that my ex was going to hook up with someone in rehab the day he left. I know my ducky boy. But having it confirmed was like hot water in my face. But also knowing the truth released me from worrying about it. My brain could move on to other things.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yeah. Sorry but yeah.
I see this as no different situation than when they relapse and are hiding it. You smell the booze and think "no....not possible". You find a receipt for a bar or liquor store and "it was for someone else". They are acting buzzed or drunk and "they are tired" or "took some cold medicine and feel weird". You find remnants of their drinking like a bottle cap in the car and they have "absolutely no idea how that got there". You find a liquor bottle in a drawer and "that was there from when they used to drink"!! then ceremoniously pour it out. They reek of alcohol and "you are just trying to start a fight" then you get silent treatment for a day for punishment.
Its all crazy making. You know it, but you can't prove it. If you could prove it - then you would feel better, and not crazy though it would hurt The writing is on the windshield so to speak. If you prove it all he will do is minimize it and blame you.
In the meantime your hair is falling out and you have been plagued with medical issues. You don't need to prove anything - your family here understands and knows what you see is fact.
I see this as no different situation than when they relapse and are hiding it. You smell the booze and think "no....not possible". You find a receipt for a bar or liquor store and "it was for someone else". They are acting buzzed or drunk and "they are tired" or "took some cold medicine and feel weird". You find remnants of their drinking like a bottle cap in the car and they have "absolutely no idea how that got there". You find a liquor bottle in a drawer and "that was there from when they used to drink"!! then ceremoniously pour it out. They reek of alcohol and "you are just trying to start a fight" then you get silent treatment for a day for punishment.
Its all crazy making. You know it, but you can't prove it. If you could prove it - then you would feel better, and not crazy though it would hurt The writing is on the windshield so to speak. If you prove it all he will do is minimize it and blame you.
In the meantime your hair is falling out and you have been plagued with medical issues. You don't need to prove anything - your family here understands and knows what you see is fact.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by happybeingme 
Problem is you can't point at your gut and say " here's my proof."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Stung
It's easier for me to do this kind of stuff when I'm mad but since I've been working on myself I don't find that I'm mad so much anymore. Right now I'm sad and disappointed and scared.
Perhaps we can still choose to take positive action even when not mad.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sometimes all we have is our gut instinct to work with.
The times my gut instinct failed me, were the times i allowed my sappy azz heart to rule.
( and i'm not just referring to life with an active alkie)
Compassion and empathy are great qualities to possess, but there is a fine line, and if not careful, before you know it, you have been played like a fiddle.
Healthy life decisions should be based on facts, logic, and common sense.
When the trust evaporates, the relationship fails to thrive, without trust, we truly have NOTHING left, how can one feel safe, secure, loved, and respected without trust?
The times my gut instinct failed me, were the times i allowed my sappy azz heart to rule.
( and i'm not just referring to life with an active alkie)
Compassion and empathy are great qualities to possess, but there is a fine line, and if not careful, before you know it, you have been played like a fiddle.
Healthy life decisions should be based on facts, logic, and common sense.
When the trust evaporates, the relationship fails to thrive, without trust, we truly have NOTHING left, how can one feel safe, secure, loved, and respected without trust?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 19
Your confusion must be maddening, I'm so sorry you are in the thick of it and so profoundly affected physically. Thank you for this thread and replies, much is resonating.
I would have bet my very life on the love and loyalty of my ex. He could be flirty with women sometimes, but I was never threatened, I was so sure of our bond.
I have no idea if he was ever physically unfaithful, but he ended up having an inappropriate private facebook message/txt/phone relationship with an old classmate of his (married, alcoholic.) It started when we were broke up, so he was free to do what he wanted, but it continued through our reconciliation, setting a wedding date, him going off on a bender that nearly killed him, medical detox and another attempted reconciliation. It was just friendy at times (I only saw FB correspondence) but would veer into being very lovey-dovey or heavily weighed with sexual innuendo. It went much deeper than it should have when they both were committed to others. It went on for months until I discovered it. I was gobsmacked, but that was when my view of reality began to shift. I let it go at the time, like so much I had let go, and ultimately, difficultly, I let go of him.
He used to talk about his "irrationally jealous" ex-wife. Now I wonder. He actually said it was probably because "she was afraid that I'd meet someone like you." I actually ate it up at the time. Ugh.
You may never have answers, try to accept that, and quit asking, maintain your dignity--this said gently and with understanding.
I would have bet my very life on the love and loyalty of my ex. He could be flirty with women sometimes, but I was never threatened, I was so sure of our bond.
I have no idea if he was ever physically unfaithful, but he ended up having an inappropriate private facebook message/txt/phone relationship with an old classmate of his (married, alcoholic.) It started when we were broke up, so he was free to do what he wanted, but it continued through our reconciliation, setting a wedding date, him going off on a bender that nearly killed him, medical detox and another attempted reconciliation. It was just friendy at times (I only saw FB correspondence) but would veer into being very lovey-dovey or heavily weighed with sexual innuendo. It went much deeper than it should have when they both were committed to others. It went on for months until I discovered it. I was gobsmacked, but that was when my view of reality began to shift. I let it go at the time, like so much I had let go, and ultimately, difficultly, I let go of him.
He used to talk about his "irrationally jealous" ex-wife. Now I wonder. He actually said it was probably because "she was afraid that I'd meet someone like you." I actually ate it up at the time. Ugh.
You may never have answers, try to accept that, and quit asking, maintain your dignity--this said gently and with understanding.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is scientific interest in the Gut Brain. Mounting Research Shows Gut-Brain Connection | Psych Central News
stung, I am so sorry - and sad to hear that you are suffering from so many physical symptoms LISTEN to your body. do what you need to do.
stung, I am so sorry - and sad to hear that you are suffering from so many physical symptoms LISTEN to your body. do what you need to do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Oh Stung I'm so sorry. I know that feeling and it's just awful.
That gut feeling we all get, it's not just some supernatural, mystical thing. There are very subtle, but very concrete things that trigger that feeling like avoidance of eye contact, fidgeting, hair twirling, or a different tone of voice. Little things, that you notice subconsciously, that isn't part of that person's normal behavior. About a year ago I discovered RAH's lying face and related it to an incident that happened 2 years prior when my gut told me he was lying, but I couldn't prove it. His lying face is wide eyed with raised eyebrows accompanied by a slighter higher pitch to his voice and overly happy contrived smile. It was a big Aha moment for me.
Whether you can prove it or not doesn't really matter. You know that something is amiss. You know that he lies. Even if he's not cheating, or doing anything wrong at all, maybe it's just broken trust that's been festering deep down finally making it's way to the surface.
I can understand why you feel afraid, but Stung, you are one of the strongest women I know on this board. You've been through a tough couple of years and you still come out swinging with your head held high.
You my friend, are going to be just fine.
Hugs!
That gut feeling we all get, it's not just some supernatural, mystical thing. There are very subtle, but very concrete things that trigger that feeling like avoidance of eye contact, fidgeting, hair twirling, or a different tone of voice. Little things, that you notice subconsciously, that isn't part of that person's normal behavior. About a year ago I discovered RAH's lying face and related it to an incident that happened 2 years prior when my gut told me he was lying, but I couldn't prove it. His lying face is wide eyed with raised eyebrows accompanied by a slighter higher pitch to his voice and overly happy contrived smile. It was a big Aha moment for me.
Whether you can prove it or not doesn't really matter. You know that something is amiss. You know that he lies. Even if he's not cheating, or doing anything wrong at all, maybe it's just broken trust that's been festering deep down finally making it's way to the surface.
I can understand why you feel afraid, but Stung, you are one of the strongest women I know on this board. You've been through a tough couple of years and you still come out swinging with your head held high.
You my friend, are going to be just fine.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
When my xah sprung his plans for us to get divorced he'd been having an affair for half a year and I knew nothing! I didn't even have doubts or suspicions or any reason to not trust him. Looking back the signs were all there, I just didn't see them.
I don't know what would have happened if I had suspected anything. But I was totally blindsided and when he left I was completely devastated.
I went to a forum called surviving infidelity. Maybe you could check it out.
I don't know what would have happened if I had suspected anything. But I was totally blindsided and when he left I was completely devastated.
I went to a forum called surviving infidelity. Maybe you could check it out.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Stung, you're obviously under tremendous strain; maybe it's time to do something about that.
Can I ask? Is it necessary for you to prove infidelity to end your marriage? For instance, if he was completely innocent, would that change everything? Consult your heart.
Can I ask? Is it necessary for you to prove infidelity to end your marriage? For instance, if he was completely innocent, would that change everything? Consult your heart.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by Stung
My intuition is telling me that my husband has been unfaithful.
Whether that is fear or my actual gut instinct, I don't know. Whether I'm being pragmatic or self doubting, I don't know.
Obviously I have already asked him about this many times and obviously he says he's done nothing wrong. He would NEVER be unfaithful. He's nothing if not loyal. He says. Part of me wants to believe that but on the other hand, he's a liar, and I know it. Either trust him or trust me. Both feel like a losing proposition.
I keep trying to use slogans and I'm coming up empty handed. I try to focus on myself but my gut is basically yelling at me to trust myself.
In December, shortly after I left the hospital my husband relapsed, while on Benzos, and during that time he emailed one of his female employees about how loving she was. There is always something weird going on with his car, like the passenger seat will be way reclined. A year ago there was a giant face smear on the interior window of his car and to this day he still feigns ignorance about it. Whether he's cheating or not he's doing something he shouldn't be and he won't be honest with me about it. Obviously I cannot stand it any longer and my body is making it pretty damn clear to the point that my mind is actually starting to listen.
I need to divorce this guy and everything is leading me to this conclusion but I'm afraid. I don't know why but I'm totally afraid.
Whether that is fear or my actual gut instinct, I don't know. Whether I'm being pragmatic or self doubting, I don't know.
Obviously I have already asked him about this many times and obviously he says he's done nothing wrong. He would NEVER be unfaithful. He's nothing if not loyal. He says. Part of me wants to believe that but on the other hand, he's a liar, and I know it. Either trust him or trust me. Both feel like a losing proposition.
I keep trying to use slogans and I'm coming up empty handed. I try to focus on myself but my gut is basically yelling at me to trust myself.
In December, shortly after I left the hospital my husband relapsed, while on Benzos, and during that time he emailed one of his female employees about how loving she was. There is always something weird going on with his car, like the passenger seat will be way reclined. A year ago there was a giant face smear on the interior window of his car and to this day he still feigns ignorance about it. Whether he's cheating or not he's doing something he shouldn't be and he won't be honest with me about it. Obviously I cannot stand it any longer and my body is making it pretty damn clear to the point that my mind is actually starting to listen.
I need to divorce this guy and everything is leading me to this conclusion but I'm afraid. I don't know why but I'm totally afraid.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
