This is NOT living
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I haven't chimed in because to be honest I'm not sure what to make of this situation. It kind of sounds to me, based on what you've posted, that the two of you have simply grown apart. The fact that she ran into a problem with alcohol and pills doesn't necessarily make her an alcoholic, or her behavior "dry drunk." Not everyone who abuses alcohol or medications is an addict. She's changed, and you want her back the way she used to be. Maybe that isn't her any more. I know I've changed quite a bit from the way I was when I was younger. I don't like all of the same things, my opinions about things have changed, the way I relate to other people has changed. I found that, in my first marriage, I became unhappy. It wasn't because my husband wasn't a good guy--he was. The relationship just felt "wrong." We did some marriage counseling, seemed to make some progress, but the bottom line was that I didn't feel that the marriage was what I wanted for myself anymore.
Maybe I'm projecting, but it kind of sounds like that's where her head is at. Her behavior of being critical and complaining may be her way of trying to convince you that the marriage isn't salvageable. Have you asked her if she wants out? Have you asked her to think about whether she wants to continue to "try"?
Divorce isn't the end of the world. I left my first husband amicably, we were able to agree on all of the important issues. My husband was very hurt, but he got counseling for himself and relied heavily on his AA friends for emotional support. We cooperated in raising our kids (he had primary custody but cooperated in keeping me involved in their lives). We are still good friends to this day--I stay with him and his wife when I go out to visit our (now adult) kids.
It just sort of sounds to me like she doesn't have much invested in saving this marriage, and that's something you might have to accept.
I'm sorry for the pain.
Maybe I'm projecting, but it kind of sounds like that's where her head is at. Her behavior of being critical and complaining may be her way of trying to convince you that the marriage isn't salvageable. Have you asked her if she wants out? Have you asked her to think about whether she wants to continue to "try"?
Divorce isn't the end of the world. I left my first husband amicably, we were able to agree on all of the important issues. My husband was very hurt, but he got counseling for himself and relied heavily on his AA friends for emotional support. We cooperated in raising our kids (he had primary custody but cooperated in keeping me involved in their lives). We are still good friends to this day--I stay with him and his wife when I go out to visit our (now adult) kids.
It just sort of sounds to me like she doesn't have much invested in saving this marriage, and that's something you might have to accept.
I'm sorry for the pain.
I have asked her multiple times if she wants out. And she always says no. But it could be coz she is scared or hesitant. I don't know.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
She might be scared, it all depends how you ask. And I cannot speculate how you ask. On the other hand, maybe she is afraid of change, and feels comfortable because she maintains a certain level of control through toxicity. I am guessing again. Maybe she simply does not take you seriously, maybe she thinks you are manipulating her. My husband for example does not take me seriously, although all the red flags that I am leaving are there, and I do not think I've ever been more honest. There is no healthy communication between us, if there is communication at all.
Again, you will have to sit down and think what do you want to do with your life.
Again, you will have to sit down and think what do you want to do with your life.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
Finally made some headway with her last week. She basically said that she is 'disengaged' because she is afraid I am going to do the same thing again. And this time with the girls and a job, she can't afford to make those same mistakes which she made (referring to her abusing drugs and alcohol). So I finally now have an understanding of what she is going through and what is in her head. She assured me that she will annoy the **** out of me for the rest of her life but she has no plans of leaving me or letting me go.
I have been extra attentive, nice and compassionate. And I can see a small difference, its small but definitely there.
So I am hoping with more self work and patience along with the therapy we make some advancements.
I have been extra attentive, nice and compassionate. And I can see a small difference, its small but definitely there.
So I am hoping with more self work and patience along with the therapy we make some advancements.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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She basically said that she is 'disengaged' because she is afraid I am going to do the same thing again.
I don't want to assume would you mind clarifying the statement?
Glad you were able to talk. Sounds positive.
I don't want to assume would you mind clarifying the statement?
Glad you were able to talk. Sounds positive.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
She is referring to the time when she was pregnant and I wasn't there for her. She had postpartum depression and she spiraled down into an abyss. And according to her I wasn't there for her emotionally. I realize now that I could have been more attentive to her needs. I didn't know anything about postpartum depression so basically didn't pay attention to it as much as I should have. Plus with a new job I was coming home late, would spend extra time learning and getting familiar with the job functions on top of the training.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Hi,
I'm so happy more of this is coming out now. Must say that originally from the things you were posting, I did have a big question as to perhaps you were the abusive one. I think I am getting more of the bigger picture here to look at now.
I'm still going to go from your wife's side of this. Only because she is really not represented here, and it might give you some things to think about, and see that this may just be a case of lack of communication and a build up of distrust on both sides.
I don't know if your wife was a stay at home mom during this period of time, but that doesn't matter much.
Have you every read any forums about PPD? I didn't have it, but my son was colic and I did experience about a week where I just needed to get away, for someone to help me. I I would lose my mind. I think out of that week I was able to put my son down in his crib for about 30 mins a day where he didn't cry as soon as I put him down.
So your wife has 2 little children at home. One a newborn, other is a toddler. It is non-stop. It is a 24/7 job. Then add in PPD. You feel like there will never be an end in sight. You ask your husband to help out, and he stays away from home more and more. (I know you were working a new job)
You think if I could just get some help around here, I'll be better. But, you already asked for help and it turned into husband working more and staying away from home more. You can't take it anymore, you need relief. You turn to the bottle, you feel some. Now the yelling and screaming starts. You are being threatened with having your children taken away from you. All you were doing was trying to do your best.
You are afraid of losing your children, so you stop the drinking. But you have built up a wall because you needed to. You feel like you can't trust the one person that you thought you could trust. You distance yourself from that person, you stop asking for help, you become resentful towards that person. You feel like you were told NO, so many times when you had asked for help, that you won't do it anymore.
Your wife's scenario, could be like the above. I would really suggest that you read up on PPD.
Now from your side. I could see that it was a new job. You had a new family of 4, you thought it would just be the 2 of you. Bigger house, more bills. With the new job, you knew you needed that job to pay for this, so you did as much as you could to guarantee that you kept that job and perhaps hoped for advancement there. You needed to spend more time at the job to do this. Your wife is nagging you and she is drinking. You may not feel so happy going home.
You seem to be very honest here, so if this might sound familiar, let us know. If not, please clarify some more.
If this could be the case, then I think communication about that period of time is necessary. I think a lot of distrust built up on both sides because of this.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I'm so happy more of this is coming out now. Must say that originally from the things you were posting, I did have a big question as to perhaps you were the abusive one. I think I am getting more of the bigger picture here to look at now.
I'm still going to go from your wife's side of this. Only because she is really not represented here, and it might give you some things to think about, and see that this may just be a case of lack of communication and a build up of distrust on both sides.
I don't know if your wife was a stay at home mom during this period of time, but that doesn't matter much.
Have you every read any forums about PPD? I didn't have it, but my son was colic and I did experience about a week where I just needed to get away, for someone to help me. I I would lose my mind. I think out of that week I was able to put my son down in his crib for about 30 mins a day where he didn't cry as soon as I put him down.
So your wife has 2 little children at home. One a newborn, other is a toddler. It is non-stop. It is a 24/7 job. Then add in PPD. You feel like there will never be an end in sight. You ask your husband to help out, and he stays away from home more and more. (I know you were working a new job)
You think if I could just get some help around here, I'll be better. But, you already asked for help and it turned into husband working more and staying away from home more. You can't take it anymore, you need relief. You turn to the bottle, you feel some. Now the yelling and screaming starts. You are being threatened with having your children taken away from you. All you were doing was trying to do your best.
You are afraid of losing your children, so you stop the drinking. But you have built up a wall because you needed to. You feel like you can't trust the one person that you thought you could trust. You distance yourself from that person, you stop asking for help, you become resentful towards that person. You feel like you were told NO, so many times when you had asked for help, that you won't do it anymore.
Your wife's scenario, could be like the above. I would really suggest that you read up on PPD.
Now from your side. I could see that it was a new job. You had a new family of 4, you thought it would just be the 2 of you. Bigger house, more bills. With the new job, you knew you needed that job to pay for this, so you did as much as you could to guarantee that you kept that job and perhaps hoped for advancement there. You needed to spend more time at the job to do this. Your wife is nagging you and she is drinking. You may not feel so happy going home.
You seem to be very honest here, so if this might sound familiar, let us know. If not, please clarify some more.
If this could be the case, then I think communication about that period of time is necessary. I think a lot of distrust built up on both sides because of this.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
Amy,
I must say you are pretty close. And yes I am trying very hard to be honest. I have no reason NOT to be. I firmly believe that the first step towards solving a problem is identifying the problem.
I will add more details to your comments below to provide a better understanding.
P.S. The below comments are a reflection of what I was feeling at the time not necessarily how I feel now.
Hi,
I'm so happy more of this is coming out now. Must say that originally from the things you were posting, I did have a big question as to perhaps you were the abusive one. I think I am getting more of the bigger picture here to look at now (I am glad too that she has finally decided to open up. My wife was a licensed domestic violence counselor and a substance abuse counselor. So she did instinctively revert to what she did as a living. Which meant I was portrayed as the abuser – at times I was without realizing it).
I'm still going to go from your wife's side of this. Only because she is really not represented here, and it might give you some things to think about, and see that this may just be a case of lack of communication and a buildup of distrust on both sides (You are correct about both of these issues, plus add our own baggage from our pasts, and you have a pretty toxic cocktail).
I don't know if your wife was a stay at home mom during this period of time, but that doesn't matter much (yes she was a stay at home mom and that did matter coz she didn’t have anyone else to talk to. All her family was out of state and she tried reaching out to her friends and they didn’t understand PPD).
Have you every read any forums about PPD? I didn't have it, but my son was colic and I did experience about a week where I just needed to get away, for someone to help me. I I would lose my mind. I think out of that week I was able to put my son down in his crib for about 30 mins a day where he didn't cry as soon as I put him down (Both of my daughters had colic, the second one was the worse. Every night 9:00 pm on the dot, she would start and get done around 4:00 am. And absolutely nothing helped. I didn’t read anything on PPD at the time, but now I have ready plenty of material on it).
So your wife has 2 little children at home. One a newborn, other is a toddler. It is non-stop. It is a 24/7 job. Then add in PPD. You feel like there will never be an end in sight. You ask your husband to help out, and he stays away from home more and more. (I know you were working a new job)
You think if I could just get some help around here, I'll be better. But, you already asked for help and it turned into husband working more and staying away from home more. You can't take it anymore, you need relief. You turn to the bottle, you feel some. Now the yelling and screaming starts. You are being threatened with having your children taken away from you. All you were doing was trying to do your best (add the fact that I didn’t even know she drank in the first place because she lied about drinking in the past – I didn’t become sympathetic. I became outraged at the whole situation and felt betrayed).
You are afraid of losing your children, so you stop the drinking. But you have built up a wall because you needed to. You feel like you can't trust the one person that you thought you could trust. You distance yourself from that person, you stop asking for help, you become resentful towards that person. You feel like you were told NO, so many times when you had asked for help, that you won't do it anymore (absolutely on the money).
Your wife's scenario, could be like the above. I would really suggest that you read up on PPD.
Now from your side. I could see that it was a new job. You had a new family of 4, you thought it would just be the 2 of you. Bigger house, more bills. With the new job, you knew you needed that job to pay for this, so you did as much as you could to guarantee that you kept that job and perhaps hoped for advancement there. You needed to spend more time at the job to do this. Your wife is nagging you and she is drinking. You may not feel so happy going home (not only was it a new job, it was a new job after 5 months of being laid off. It took a toll on me, it was an ego blow. So I made it a mission to do good at this new job. And then the contempt I had because in my view she was the one who wanted the kids and the new big house and I was giving her what she wanted, reluctantly, but what did she think it wouldn’t change anything? It meant I had to work harder, earn more, for the family).
You seem to be very honest here, so if this might sound familiar, let us know. If not, please clarify some more (no you pretty much summed it all up nicely, and I thank you for that).
If this could be the case, then I think communication about that period of time is necessary. I think a lot of distrust built up on both sides because of this.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I must say you are pretty close. And yes I am trying very hard to be honest. I have no reason NOT to be. I firmly believe that the first step towards solving a problem is identifying the problem.
I will add more details to your comments below to provide a better understanding.
P.S. The below comments are a reflection of what I was feeling at the time not necessarily how I feel now.
Hi,
I'm so happy more of this is coming out now. Must say that originally from the things you were posting, I did have a big question as to perhaps you were the abusive one. I think I am getting more of the bigger picture here to look at now (I am glad too that she has finally decided to open up. My wife was a licensed domestic violence counselor and a substance abuse counselor. So she did instinctively revert to what she did as a living. Which meant I was portrayed as the abuser – at times I was without realizing it).
I'm still going to go from your wife's side of this. Only because she is really not represented here, and it might give you some things to think about, and see that this may just be a case of lack of communication and a buildup of distrust on both sides (You are correct about both of these issues, plus add our own baggage from our pasts, and you have a pretty toxic cocktail).
I don't know if your wife was a stay at home mom during this period of time, but that doesn't matter much (yes she was a stay at home mom and that did matter coz she didn’t have anyone else to talk to. All her family was out of state and she tried reaching out to her friends and they didn’t understand PPD).
Have you every read any forums about PPD? I didn't have it, but my son was colic and I did experience about a week where I just needed to get away, for someone to help me. I I would lose my mind. I think out of that week I was able to put my son down in his crib for about 30 mins a day where he didn't cry as soon as I put him down (Both of my daughters had colic, the second one was the worse. Every night 9:00 pm on the dot, she would start and get done around 4:00 am. And absolutely nothing helped. I didn’t read anything on PPD at the time, but now I have ready plenty of material on it).
So your wife has 2 little children at home. One a newborn, other is a toddler. It is non-stop. It is a 24/7 job. Then add in PPD. You feel like there will never be an end in sight. You ask your husband to help out, and he stays away from home more and more. (I know you were working a new job)
You think if I could just get some help around here, I'll be better. But, you already asked for help and it turned into husband working more and staying away from home more. You can't take it anymore, you need relief. You turn to the bottle, you feel some. Now the yelling and screaming starts. You are being threatened with having your children taken away from you. All you were doing was trying to do your best (add the fact that I didn’t even know she drank in the first place because she lied about drinking in the past – I didn’t become sympathetic. I became outraged at the whole situation and felt betrayed).
You are afraid of losing your children, so you stop the drinking. But you have built up a wall because you needed to. You feel like you can't trust the one person that you thought you could trust. You distance yourself from that person, you stop asking for help, you become resentful towards that person. You feel like you were told NO, so many times when you had asked for help, that you won't do it anymore (absolutely on the money).
Your wife's scenario, could be like the above. I would really suggest that you read up on PPD.
Now from your side. I could see that it was a new job. You had a new family of 4, you thought it would just be the 2 of you. Bigger house, more bills. With the new job, you knew you needed that job to pay for this, so you did as much as you could to guarantee that you kept that job and perhaps hoped for advancement there. You needed to spend more time at the job to do this. Your wife is nagging you and she is drinking. You may not feel so happy going home (not only was it a new job, it was a new job after 5 months of being laid off. It took a toll on me, it was an ego blow. So I made it a mission to do good at this new job. And then the contempt I had because in my view she was the one who wanted the kids and the new big house and I was giving her what she wanted, reluctantly, but what did she think it wouldn’t change anything? It meant I had to work harder, earn more, for the family).
You seem to be very honest here, so if this might sound familiar, let us know. If not, please clarify some more (no you pretty much summed it all up nicely, and I thank you for that).
If this could be the case, then I think communication about that period of time is necessary. I think a lot of distrust built up on both sides because of this.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi again,
If you can look at things from this point of view, you may be able to see that the way you are handling things may not be the correct way. I really don't see either one of you as abusive. You did get me going about the gym thing, but when I thought about it differently, (I had to put myself in what she might be feeling), I could see that possibly it was that she might be fearful that you would start spending a lot more time away from home, she might have had a fear of rejection and abandonment at that time. She could have been feeling that this was not really planned but things happen and you need to make adjustments. House, --- needed because of bigger family. Children --- well that happens with sex, a woman is not the only one responsible for this. She might have been getting a feeling that this isn't really what you wanted, but chit happens. One child even when colic is enough to make you crazy. A toddler, another colic child, almost no sleep, and no help, well...... think about it...........
From what I am reading, what I am seeing is the "blame game". I hope you don't mind me being blunt. From both sides. I can see JADE. (justify, argue, explain, defend) from both sides. Sometimes we need to validate. Things like, I didn't understand then what you were going through, at the time I was trying my best to do the things that I felt was my role in the marriage, but when I look back at it now, I can see that you were needing my help, and I came across as not wanting to be there for you. I'm sorry. Can we talk some more about this?
(This here is not saying that you are taking the blame, you were doing what you thought you needed to be doing, but you are not invalidating her. You are not throwing all the blame her way, you are being empathetic and wanting to discuss a misunderstand so that things can be better between the 2 of you. )
Does any of this make sense?
amy
If you can look at things from this point of view, you may be able to see that the way you are handling things may not be the correct way. I really don't see either one of you as abusive. You did get me going about the gym thing, but when I thought about it differently, (I had to put myself in what she might be feeling), I could see that possibly it was that she might be fearful that you would start spending a lot more time away from home, she might have had a fear of rejection and abandonment at that time. She could have been feeling that this was not really planned but things happen and you need to make adjustments. House, --- needed because of bigger family. Children --- well that happens with sex, a woman is not the only one responsible for this. She might have been getting a feeling that this isn't really what you wanted, but chit happens. One child even when colic is enough to make you crazy. A toddler, another colic child, almost no sleep, and no help, well...... think about it...........
From what I am reading, what I am seeing is the "blame game". I hope you don't mind me being blunt. From both sides. I can see JADE. (justify, argue, explain, defend) from both sides. Sometimes we need to validate. Things like, I didn't understand then what you were going through, at the time I was trying my best to do the things that I felt was my role in the marriage, but when I look back at it now, I can see that you were needing my help, and I came across as not wanting to be there for you. I'm sorry. Can we talk some more about this?
(This here is not saying that you are taking the blame, you were doing what you thought you needed to be doing, but you are not invalidating her. You are not throwing all the blame her way, you are being empathetic and wanting to discuss a misunderstand so that things can be better between the 2 of you. )
Does any of this make sense?
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by amy55
Hi again,
If you can look at things from this point of view, you may be able to see that the way you are handling things may not be the correct way. I really don't see either one of you as abusive. You did get me going about the gym thing, but when I thought about it differently, (I had to put myself in what she might be feeling), I could see that possibly it was that she might be fearful that you would start spending a lot more time away from home, she might have had a fear of rejection and abandonment at that time. She could have been feeling that this was not really planned but things happen and you need to make adjustments. House, --- needed because of bigger family. Children --- well that happens with sex, a woman is not the only one responsible for this. She might have been getting a feeling that this isn't really what you wanted, but chit happens. One child even when colic is enough to make you crazy. A toddler, another colic child, almost no sleep, and no help, well...... think about it...........
From what I am reading, what I am seeing is the "blame game". I hope you don't mind me being blunt. From both sides. I can see JADE. (justify, argue, explain, defend) from both sides. Sometimes we need to validate. Things like, I didn't understand then what you were going through, at the time I was trying my best to do the things that I felt was my role in the marriage, but when I look back at it now, I can see that you were needing my help, and I came across as not wanting to be there for you. I'm sorry. Can we talk some more about this?
(This here is not saying that you are taking the blame, you were doing what you thought you needed to be doing, but you are not invalidating her. You are not throwing all the blame her way, you are being empathetic and wanting to discuss a misunderstand so that things can be better between the 2 of you. )
Does any of this make sense?
amy
If you can look at things from this point of view, you may be able to see that the way you are handling things may not be the correct way. I really don't see either one of you as abusive. You did get me going about the gym thing, but when I thought about it differently, (I had to put myself in what she might be feeling), I could see that possibly it was that she might be fearful that you would start spending a lot more time away from home, she might have had a fear of rejection and abandonment at that time. She could have been feeling that this was not really planned but things happen and you need to make adjustments. House, --- needed because of bigger family. Children --- well that happens with sex, a woman is not the only one responsible for this. She might have been getting a feeling that this isn't really what you wanted, but chit happens. One child even when colic is enough to make you crazy. A toddler, another colic child, almost no sleep, and no help, well...... think about it...........
From what I am reading, what I am seeing is the "blame game". I hope you don't mind me being blunt. From both sides. I can see JADE. (justify, argue, explain, defend) from both sides. Sometimes we need to validate. Things like, I didn't understand then what you were going through, at the time I was trying my best to do the things that I felt was my role in the marriage, but when I look back at it now, I can see that you were needing my help, and I came across as not wanting to be there for you. I'm sorry. Can we talk some more about this?
(This here is not saying that you are taking the blame, you were doing what you thought you needed to be doing, but you are not invalidating her. You are not throwing all the blame her way, you are being empathetic and wanting to discuss a misunderstand so that things can be better between the 2 of you. )
Does any of this make sense?
amy
Absolutely, and like I said I don't hold the same views now. Now I am doing everything I can to let her see that this is whats important to me. Admitting my own faults, working on my defects, keeping my side of the street clean and not forcing her to do anything. Although I did ask her what would it take for her to go back to how she was. And honestly, the therapy is helping. She has admitted to holding onto things for a long time. I have admitted to my mistakes and I am showing her that I am changing. The only issue I was having is her behavior wasn't changing at all, which is no longer true. She has made some changes in the last week or so. And I am hopeful But yes we did play the blame game and we never stopped playing it in our heads.
Now, things are calmer and more stable. And I have been trying really hard to work on my defects. And she acknowleges it and says she is very happy but at the same time scared that this might be short lived. Which I get.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by ArmyOfOne
Absolutely, and like I said I don't hold the same views now. Now I am doing everything I can to let her see that this is whats important to me. Admitting my own faults, working on my defects, keeping my side of the street clean and not forcing her to do anything. Although I did ask her what would it take for her to go back to how she was. And honestly, the therapy is helping. She has admitted to holding onto things for a long time. I have admitted to my mistakes and I am showing her that I am changing. The only issue I was having is her behavior wasn't changing at all, which is no longer true. She has made some changes in the last week or so. And I am hopeful But yes we did play the blame game and we never stopped playing it in our heads.
Now, things are calmer and more stable. And I have been trying really hard to work on my defects. And she acknowleges it and says she is very happy but at the same time scared that this might be short lived. Which I get.
Now, things are calmer and more stable. And I have been trying really hard to work on my defects. And she acknowleges it and says she is very happy but at the same time scared that this might be short lived. Which I get.
I really do hope that you worded things in a different way then what you posted here. I hope you are not telling your wife that you are admitting your mistakes and working on your defects. (lol)
You see, that would get me really angry to hear that. It would mean that you sought help, you are better, and everything else was my problem.
I also would get very angry with being asked what it would take for me to go back to who I was. My ex actually did said that to me !!! I didn't know what he meant by that. I was depressed, I wasn't doing much in the house, actually I had given up on everything, so when he said that, I got back into cleaning, cooking, my hobbies, etc... Well, I did tell you my ex was abusive, (so I am not talking about you here), what he had meant was that he wanted me to be his little agreeable puppet again. (lol)
I think you are doing really good in trying to understand what she went through with the 2 years of Postpartum Depression. When a person is in a depressive episode, it kind of distorts their views. You remember what you felt at the time. It's hard to change that image, that memory, it's like changing your reality. Those feelings and emotions can last a long time. So if she was feeling like she was not good enough, if she had a fear of losing you and her family, these things can still be with her.
I also don't see you with all of these "defects". I see you as someone who is searching answers because sometimes we get caught up in our own heads and we lose track. It's admitting that sometimes we don't have all the answers and we need help.
Anyway, that is what I see in you, being humble and reaching out for help. It takes a strong man to do that.
Keep up the good work.
amy
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Although I did ask her what would it take for her to go back to how she was.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
I do need to work on my expectations. The only one I can control is myself.
Things have been a little better. We have been a lot more open with each other and just seems like we haven't had that much friction.
One thing that has been on my mind though is her alcohol and substance abuse. She suffers from restless legs at night. Which makes it really hard for her to get a good night sleep. She recently went to the doctor and he prescribed her 'benzos'. She brought it home and told me I can hoid onto them. I thanked her for the gesture and said lets just put it somewhere where we both have access to it.
She used to pop benzos like skittles with straight liquor. And all those momories came rushing back and she could see it on my face. She assured me I had nothing to worry about. Last night I counted them and realized she has been taking double the prescribed dose. Now I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. As much as I want to believe she doesn't have a problem, it just doesn't add up.
thoughts?
Things have been a little better. We have been a lot more open with each other and just seems like we haven't had that much friction.
One thing that has been on my mind though is her alcohol and substance abuse. She suffers from restless legs at night. Which makes it really hard for her to get a good night sleep. She recently went to the doctor and he prescribed her 'benzos'. She brought it home and told me I can hoid onto them. I thanked her for the gesture and said lets just put it somewhere where we both have access to it.
She used to pop benzos like skittles with straight liquor. And all those momories came rushing back and she could see it on my face. She assured me I had nothing to worry about. Last night I counted them and realized she has been taking double the prescribed dose. Now I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. As much as I want to believe she doesn't have a problem, it just doesn't add up.
thoughts?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My thought, talk to her about it. Obviously she is going to abuse them, she is doing so right off the bat. Maybe she does need you to hold on to them for her. Either way, fear will make you miserable, and secrets will make her miserable and fall right back into addiction. Open up, it's the best thing either one of you can do.
I think you are doing great in all the realizations you have come to. If she sees this coming at her as you supporting and wanting to help her, she will be much more receptive.
Hugs to you! XXX
I think you are doing great in all the realizations you have come to. If she sees this coming at her as you supporting and wanting to help her, she will be much more receptive.
Hugs to you! XXX
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I second what hopeful4 said. You need to really start the communication thing, instead of building up resentments.
I have never had to deal with benzo's. I also have restless leg syndrome due to a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). I really am thing though if off of alcohol for 2 years, shouldn't have rls due to alcohol withdrawal. But I really don't know for sure.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
amy
I have never had to deal with benzo's. I also have restless leg syndrome due to a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). I really am thing though if off of alcohol for 2 years, shouldn't have rls due to alcohol withdrawal. But I really don't know for sure.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
amy
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
There are other medications for RLS aside from Benzo's in fact benzo's don't really do anything for RLS other than make you sleep. I am wondering if the dr is aware of her alcohol issues because Benzo's work on the same area of the brain as alcohol does its a big no no (especially since there are other options).
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Agree with the communication thing, but at the same time I wonder if it's the best idea for you to be her pill-counter, you know? (Of course, the question of whether the prescription is even appropriate is highly relevant, as redatlanta pointed out.) It's different for everyone but I find that I need to be very hands-off my RAH's recovery. We talk, I express my opinion when asked, I try to listen to him the way I do when I read posts here from other recovering alcoholics. (more patient, less judgmental)
We can't handle the inevitable friction that always happens whenever I'm "telling" him what to do - just like I can't control his drinking, I can't control his recovery. Him having to account to me about his pill usage day in/day out or me, counting pills/hyper vigilant about every little thing.... not good... increase of resentments... meltdown on both sides. If he needs someone to administer his meds because he can't control himself, then he needs to be in a facility with professionals to handle that until he is able to gain control or wean off the meds. While he was learning to live life sober, I was learning how to back off & give him the dignity of doing it on his own. ( All just my opinion, of course.)
I read a fantastic article today about helping your marriage survive early recovery. (honeypig shared the link on another thread) It is an incredibly accurate summary of what early recovery is like, as far as my personal experience went. You might benefit from it too:
https://realisticrecovery.wordpress....vive-recovery/
Early recovery was HARD. A roller coaster from week to week that I could never predict. I only just STARTED feeling my anger & pain after he got sober, only then could I put the energy & focus onto myself long enough to really think about it all. Our expectations on both sides were completely unrealistic in the beginning... which is where SR saved my sanity.
We can't handle the inevitable friction that always happens whenever I'm "telling" him what to do - just like I can't control his drinking, I can't control his recovery. Him having to account to me about his pill usage day in/day out or me, counting pills/hyper vigilant about every little thing.... not good... increase of resentments... meltdown on both sides. If he needs someone to administer his meds because he can't control himself, then he needs to be in a facility with professionals to handle that until he is able to gain control or wean off the meds. While he was learning to live life sober, I was learning how to back off & give him the dignity of doing it on his own. ( All just my opinion, of course.)
I read a fantastic article today about helping your marriage survive early recovery. (honeypig shared the link on another thread) It is an incredibly accurate summary of what early recovery is like, as far as my personal experience went. You might benefit from it too:
https://realisticrecovery.wordpress....vive-recovery/
Early recovery was HARD. A roller coaster from week to week that I could never predict. I only just STARTED feeling my anger & pain after he got sober, only then could I put the energy & focus onto myself long enough to really think about it all. Our expectations on both sides were completely unrealistic in the beginning... which is where SR saved my sanity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
Fire,
I have been thinking along the same lines; I shouldn't be involved in counting the pills. But I have a sickness as well. Even though I got much better over the years, I justified it in my head because she asked me to be the 'gate keeper'.
Any ways, I counted them again and this time there were 4 missing. She told me I should ask her if I see anything wrong. And when I did, she totally denied it and said I exaggerate stuff and I should give her the benefit of the doubt. At that point I didn't want to make it a bigger issue then it was. So I just stayed quiet.
I know I should not let this get to me, I should expect this. But I don't know why this bothers me so much. I haven't brought it up again. And I am still trying to be very nice to her. And like someone else suggested, I told her that I loved her no matter what and I am there for her if she ever needs anything.
I have been thinking along the same lines; I shouldn't be involved in counting the pills. But I have a sickness as well. Even though I got much better over the years, I justified it in my head because she asked me to be the 'gate keeper'.
Any ways, I counted them again and this time there were 4 missing. She told me I should ask her if I see anything wrong. And when I did, she totally denied it and said I exaggerate stuff and I should give her the benefit of the doubt. At that point I didn't want to make it a bigger issue then it was. So I just stayed quiet.
I know I should not let this get to me, I should expect this. But I don't know why this bothers me so much. I haven't brought it up again. And I am still trying to be very nice to her. And like someone else suggested, I told her that I loved her no matter what and I am there for her if she ever needs anything.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
It is good that you are aware and know what to expect, but is there any way that you stop playing the role of "gate keeper" and stop counting the pills? Because if you do, these things are going to keep happening. And it is too much pressure. You should still be very nice to her though. And this is what detachment is for. Because if you do detach, things will not get to you so much.
And numbers are numbers. Twelve is twelve and eight is eight. It is impossible to exaggerate.
And numbers are numbers. Twelve is twelve and eight is eight. It is impossible to exaggerate.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by ArmyOfOne
Fire,
I have been thinking along the same lines; I shouldn't be involved in counting the pills. But I have a sickness as well. Even though I got much better over the years, I justified it in my head because she asked me to be the 'gate keeper'.
Any ways, I counted them again and this time there were 4 missing. She told me I should ask her if I see anything wrong. And when I did, she totally denied it and said I exaggerate stuff and I should give her the benefit of the doubt. At that point I didn't want to make it a bigger issue then it was. So I just stayed quiet.
I have been thinking along the same lines; I shouldn't be involved in counting the pills. But I have a sickness as well. Even though I got much better over the years, I justified it in my head because she asked me to be the 'gate keeper'.
Any ways, I counted them again and this time there were 4 missing. She told me I should ask her if I see anything wrong. And when I did, she totally denied it and said I exaggerate stuff and I should give her the benefit of the doubt. At that point I didn't want to make it a bigger issue then it was. So I just stayed quiet.
She bites back when you mention there are 4 missing. She sounds irritated so for the sake of peace you stay quiet. Another way of approaching it might be along the lines of, 'I'm a bit confused here; you asked me to keep track of the pills. I've done that and there are 4 missing, but you sound irritated that I've raised it with you.' Either you perform that role for her, with her consent, or if she starts the 'don't you trust me' stuff, you have the option to resign. She can't have it both ways.
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