searching peace

Be any of you experienced your A's lying about you and events? What I find especially odd is that my stbxah is not just lying to other people but to me about me! He will tell me about a conversation with someone and recounts what he said and they are lies! And then he listens to their advice regarding our situation based on the lies he has told them. It is so bizarre that I don't understand it. And he is sober when he is telling me this stuff. I have always caught him lies, stupid ones about stupid insignificant things. But this is new. Should I say something like, what you are listening to for advice is based on you telling a half truth about the situation? Should I say anything or acknowledge anything? I know I keep going back and forth with my feelings about him. I am strong one minute and then all o want is him back the next. And yes it is so easy to look at the exact situation but someone else and be able to give great advice and know exactly they need to stay away from that person. But when it is my own situation, it is so difficult emotionally. Logically I know what I should and need to do. But then I stupidly go where I shouldn't in my emotions.

knowthetriggers

Personally I wouldn't say anything unless you want to argue about it. I am sure you already know you cannot reason with an A, especially if he has been drinking.

marie1960

It truly is none of our business what others are saying about us.

Engaging in his lies , half stories, and nonsense, that is all the stuff that keeps us crazy.

NO. the one word sentence, you do not have to participate in this noise.

FeelingGreat

It may not be outright lying so much as his own construction because he doesn't remember. He's probably lost a few brain cells, as well as not remembering when he's under the influence.

Added to that, there's denial right in the face of the evidence (read the Quacker's Thread for many examples). My A sister did this to me a couple of times and I still don't know if she was consciously lying or unable to process the truth.

LLLisa

My X MIL and her son my XAH and all her children are liars and addicts.



Late last year I told my X MIL that my children had spent the weekend with their father (my XAH) and he spent the weekend smoking pot and drinking box wine. X MIL told me last year that XAH had stopped drinking and smoking drugs and she had seen his blood tests and spoken to his Dr so she knew it was the truth.

So, last Friday, when XAH AGAIN made up a lie about how he couldn't have the kids for the weekend I called X MIL to ask her if she knew why. To ask her if these were the actions of a man trying to get sober.

X MIL CATEGORICALLY denied ever saying anything about XAH and his Dr and his blood tests. I was like WTF? That's when I told X MIL she was just as narcissistic and as much of a liar as her son. She hung up on me. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Addicts lie and their enablers lie. They just lie, lie, lie.

searching peace

OMG! I agree with you wtf! Good for you standing up to her! I hope you felt as good as it sounds like it would have felt. I wish I had the strength to tell my stbxah exact what I think! I told someone a month or so ago exactly what I thought and while it felt great, I soon realized people do not like to be called out on their s---! And they quickly turn it into your issues not theirs.

Butterfly

My stbxah does the same, lies and manipulates to suit him and then is convinced it happened or we had the discussion or agreed something. It's how they interpret situations to suit themselves and their memories are so bad it's what they think they remember so that's how it happened. Mine told his sister that the reason he left was because I wouldn't let him see his friends!!

Try not to take it personally it's a condition of their addiction, I dread to think what ex A is telling others about me, but I've reached a point where I don't care I know the truth and that's all that matters!

searching peace

Butterfly, did his sister believe him?

Butterfly

No she knows why, knows he's an alcoholic.

NWGRITS

My life according to my AM was way more tawdry than the real thing. And as a narcissist, she always had some story to get whatever attention she needed at any given moment. But that's where No Contact has been wonderful. I have no clue what she says about me, and I don't care. It's none of my business. Confronting an A about lying is like asking the sky why it's blue. It just is, and alcoholics lie.

redatlanta

So he lives in Never Never Land. Whatever

I would stop any and al discussion with him about said situations. This is like having an argument with someone over if the sky is blue or purple.

lillamy

Know how you know an alcoholic is lying?
Their lips are moving.

I had to tell myself (and believe it) that whoever believes his lies about me over what they know about me are not people I need in my life.

And then move on.

If you believe my ex, I cheated on him for all of our marriage and I made up offenses and made up his addiction as an excuse to leave. And that's just the stuff that's printable on a G-rated website.

Don't let it bother you when he lies about you. Don't engage when he lies about you to you. Let him create his little make-believe world where he's the victim and you're the big ogre. It's what he's going to do anyway, so you might as well not get worked up about it.

firebolt

Yeah, Mine completely makes &h!t up that I've said or done on the rare occasion I jump him for doing something wrong. It must be easier than considering what I am saying, and then apologizing. I chalk it up to brain damage from alcoholism, and the complete inability to see anything wrong with himself. He blatantly lied to me the other day. I called him on it. Now, I lie all the time about everything - and the funny thing is, he can't remember one example, since it just happens all the time. ASTOUNDING.

Anywho - no point in approaching the subject, unless you want to be made out to be the bad guy, again.

searching peace

I don't know if it would bother me if he tells lies to people I know. But he tells things to people I don't know and then repeats what he has told people and all the advice they have given him against me. I don't care because these people don't know me and so any conclusion they are drawing is strictly from him. But he is very charismatic and very convincing. He told me so much about his ex wife and I believed him. Until he began saying some of the same things about me. But his family has stopped all communication with me since the arrest. Even when my father died, nothing. So they know him and must still believe him. I think that bothers me. I have tried to talk to them about his alcoholism and they know about the abuse. And they still believe him! Who knows what he has told them. He lied to his attorney and lied to the judge. I know it is what it is. It is just so hard to comprehend someone being able to do that and live with themselves.

dandylion

searchingpeace....you do know that alcohol pickles the brain, don't you?
This is an example of the pickling.

dandylion

searching peace

It is difficult for me to accept that because he is thriving in every area of his life. He is doing great in his job. Is on great terms with his ex now, is even taking his oldest daughter to look at schools this next week, just the two of them.

dandylion

searching...he has committed domestic violence and he tell lies about you to strangers.

I don't think that sounds like thriving in every area of his life. Isn't the relationship with one's spouse one of the most significant areas of ones life?

searching peace

Not to him. He has told me his children come first. They are manipulative (due to their moms input) they will call when they know he is with me and tell him they want to see him and he needs to go pick them up...three hours away. And he does it. They told him they don't want him married to me and won't come over or have a relationship with him if he stays married to me. It is mainly his oldest. But no, I am at the bottom of his priorities, always have been. It is his kids, his work, his ex (who is remarried), his friends, his family and his hobbies, then me.

knowthetriggers

Searching...I understand his children are a priority, but As his spouse you should be too. It makes me really sad that you are not a priority to him. I've lived that and it is hurtful.

You deserve much better than this.

NWGRITS

A marriage without two 100% committed individuals putting each other first won't survive, regardless of whether one spouse is an alcoholic or not. It's God, spouse, children, friends, work. Straight from the chaplain's mouth during our marriage treat last year. No matter what he's doing, if he's not putting you first, there's no marriage. You deserve so much better.