So I told him I found attorneys

Old 03-29-2015, 08:55 PM
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So I told him I found attorneys

and that the "dirt is out."

Why? Well I got another round of insults. First he started with my mom, whom he never met because she died, and he said that I am a bitch just like her. He called me a psycho.

He accused me of cheating, told me to, and I quote, "go and screw the guy next door" and that he knows what is going on "around the block." He said other explicit words that I will not share. He accused me of cheating on him with an additional guy, who also has dogs (and a girlfriend and is probably 15 years my junior) and my AH met him yesterday because I invited my AH to come for a walk with my dog and me. He also said he was not my first. And repeated that he doubts that we are even married (this was baiting me into slapping him, I know) because it was "some courthouse" (married in another country almost 9 years ago, and me naturalized 2.5 years ago).

Then he told me that I do not have a real job and do not have to wake up at 5 o'clock (I am self-employed and earn as much as he does, and work at least 12 hours a day, every day), that it is my fault because we have to pay so much money for taxes (yeah, welcome to the higher tax bracket thanks to ME), that I should get a real job, whatever that meant.

And he criticized my cleanliness again (the house looks like crap, he says, and guess who was scrubbing carpets today?)

So I showed him the letter, and read how much they asked for divorce. And of course, I am now this horrible monster because I did stuff behind this back. It is definitely over, he says. Hell yeah! I am crying because I feel absolutely devastated by what he told me, but it confirms my decision that divorce is right. The only possible thing.

In my case alcoholism is really irrelevant, but it is the abuse. He is so friggin mean and . . . how do you even convince someone that you loved them with all your heart and soul? That you gave everything 100%? And then he says he was not my first. I never ever cheated, EVER! I daydream of a healthy relationship, but I know I cannot have one because of my codependency, and I am so lonely. It makes me cry so often. I do not even think that I will ever have kids because my time is running out. I have a puppy that I shower with attention and love. I do not dare to look at men anymore.

So, I guess showing him that attorney application paper was a proper way of smacking him, without the possibility to be accused of DV. I just want him to know that there are people there and that I have reached out!

But I feel so broken. And the real reason for this drama? He is HUNGRY all the time now, and I am not feeding him. He lives on Hamburger Helper!

I feel I did the right thing though, although this was supposed to be my little secret. I did not say, "oh, if you do not stop drinking, I will divorce you." I just wanted him to leave me alone and stop hurting me. And I will divorce him.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:06 PM
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Hi Healthy, sounds like you can't do anything right. The sooner you're out of that atmosphere the better because even though what he's throwing at you is BS, it's got to be hard for your health and peace of mind.

Can you separate while all this is going on? Do you have any fears of actual violence now that he knows your intentions?
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:06 PM
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Sounds like a good move.

I doubt that he believes half the stuff he says to you. He's simply, as you said, being abusive and mean. He knows how to hit you, emotionally, where it will hurt.

If I were you, I'd just quietly go ahead with your plans and don't engage with him if you can possibly help it. Do you have a plan in place for separating? If not, I'd get busy on it.

Hugs,
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:27 PM
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I really had no plans before consulting an attorney. Honestly, I know nothing about the legal process. I did look for apartments, because I'll be the one leaving, and I did find some options. We live in separate rooms basically. All my clothes is outside the drawers and bedroom closet. It's been like that for a couple of months now.

You know what my AH says, "get your dog and leave." Go where? Or he says, "ok, go tomorrow and file for divorce." And I told him, "no YOU go tomorrow and file, and I will file when I AM ready."

He wanted me to slap him, he wants me to morally fail, to say, "aha, bitch, who is abusive now?" and I had this thought in my mind while he was talking. And it made me cry. But did not slap him. But I told him that the contact has been established.

After all these things he told me, I almost feel like I want to die. Because I gave everything for us, and it is so cruel. I've never been a bad girl or a woman, just wanted to start a family, just wanted to love, to be a mom, a wife. And it is such uncertainty.

But at least he is quiet now. Well, snoring. I really envy that characteristic of his. Being able to sleep like a log.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Hi Healthy, sounds like you can't do anything right. The sooner you're out of that atmosphere the better because even though what he's throwing at you is BS, it's got to be hard for your health and peace of mind.

Can you separate while all this is going on? Do you have any fears of actual violence now that he knows your intentions?
I think he is one of those guys who takes it out on women when he knows there is nobody around. Everybody is going to be shocked when they find out we are divorcing, because he praises me all the time. And I know exactly why. I am not afraid of physical violence, but now that you say that, after all these mean words, maybe if I did swing at him today, maybe he would swing back. Because abuse gets worse, and who knows. But he is a coward.

My plan is to stay away from him and not initiate any conversations and just deal with attorneys myself. Will keep packing my stuff.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:21 PM
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Healthy again, I swear you are married to my AH!!! He has said those exact words and accusations before! Please get out! When they see that the verbal abuse isn't getting their desired results, it turns physically abusive. Someone like that feels so horrible about himself that he feels better by putting you down. My stbxah told me one time when he was sober and "trying" that he knew everytime when he was being mean to me, but he kept doing it. I'm sure yours knows the things he is saying is not true. The night my AH was arrested for DV, he was accusing me of having an affair, and then he said it was his house and me and my kids needed to get out. That is how the night began. And it ended with his arrest. Please go rent an apartment and move out when he is at work. You are in a great financial situation to be able to do that and even though you don't think so, it is best you do not have children with this jerk because you would be tied to him forever. I didn't have my youngest until I was 36. And I got pregnant when I was 45 with twins. Everything was great and the babies were healthy, until my AH became so emotionally and verbally abusive that i miscarried them. I know for a fact it was the stress he caused. But I don't know how old you are, but people have successful pregnancies later in life now. Please take care of yourself. Do not engage him in any more arguments and please get out!
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:45 PM
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Thanks, searching peace, and big hugs to you. I am 35 but am afraid of relationships. It will take lots of time for me to open up and start trusting again. You see, everything I told him, my secrets (no dirty past, but intimate vulnerable stuff), he is turning against me. The point is, I love my mom with all my heart although she was mean form time to time, but she was strict, and we had lots of misunderstandings, and this man has no right bringing these things up because if I could bring my mom back, if I could hug her, and tell her how much I missed her for the past 13 years, I would do absolutely EVERYTHING. That is one thing.

Second, I know he says this to be mean, to hurt me, and it did work. And the reason I pulled the paper out was to prevent further insults, and that worked too.

For the past few months, every time he did something mean, I would do something to make my move easier (opened a bank account, got a new phone number and cell phone, found an attorney, started packing my clothes, started checking out apartments, etc.)

A few days ago, I posted a new thread asking if he were oblivious. I guess I got the answer this evening. I am not accused of an affair, I am accused of at least two. I am sleeping with the whole block, apparently. So he is not oblivious, he knows something's cooking, but it is hard for him to accept

Now that I think about it, I am very happy I told him what I did. And I absolutely, in no way on earth am planning to stay.

I am going to get some sleep now. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Old 03-29-2015, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by healthyagain View Post
Thanks, searching peace, and big hugs to you. I am 35 but am afraid of relationships. It will take lots of time for me to open up and start trusting again. You see, everything I told him, my secrets (no dirty past, but intimate vulnerable stuff), he is turning against me. The point is, I love my mom with all my heart although she was mean form time to time, but she was strict, and we had lots of misunderstandings, and this man has no right bringing these things up because if I could bring my mom back, if I could hug her, and tell her how much I missed her for the past 13 years, I would do absolutely EVERYTHING. That is one thing. Second, I know he says this to be mean, to hurt me, and it did work. And the reason I pulled the paper out was to prevent further insults, and that worked too. For the past few months, every time he did something mean, I would do something to make my move easier (opened a bank account, got a new phone number and cell phone, found an attorney, started packing my clothes, started checking out apartments, etc.) A few days ago, I posted a new thread asking if he were oblivious. I guess I got the answer this evening. I am not accused of an affair, I am accused of at least two. I am sleeping with the whole block, apparently. So he is not oblivious, he knows something's cooking, but it is hard for him to accept Now that I think about it, I am very happy I told him what I did. And I absolutely, in no way on earth am planning to stay. I am going to get some sleep now. Tomorrow is a new day.
Healthy again, I know it will take time to trust again. Maybe look into freezing your eggs. That way you won't have this pressure on you with time. And then when you do find someone even if you are 15 years older yall can do invitro with a surrogate. There are lots of ways to have your own biological child no matter what your age. My low self esteem also comes from my mother. My poor brother has it worse than I do. It took me going through all of this with my stbxah for me to realize the issues I have stemmed from my mother. And I understand about confiding in this person and them using it against you. I have known my stbxah since I was 8. I definitely thought I could trust him and shared more with him than anyone else in my life. And I guess that is what hurts so much that you trusted him and shared this info that made you vulnerable and he didn't protect you and the info and treat it as the cherished gift it was. I understand you think telling him about the attorney helped you. But in my humble opinion the time that is most dangerous is when you are trying to leave an abuser and they find out. You just let him know. Please be careful and please do not underestimate him. There are too many fatal incidents of "if I can't have them no one can" mentality. Please be safe!
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Old 03-30-2015, 12:06 AM
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I agree with you searching peace, I know I should be careful. But with people like that, things happen regardless. I can say I had a very good Saturday and decent Sunday, till 7 pm. He flipped.

Now, considering everything again, I am absolutely positive he wanted me to hit him. What would have happened If I did, God knows. But I was stronger and better. You see, I started grooming myself again, to be healthy and pretty to myself, so that is probably where this cheating phobia came from. Again, irrelevant. I'm done. Living in fear is no life.

It was funny when he said about the letter, "this shows what kind of person you are." Oh pleaaase.

Well, I'll be strong and careful and patient, and full of optimism.

And about the kids, yes, it is better we never had them, but I should have seen the red flags years ago and left earlier.
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Old 03-30-2015, 03:11 AM
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Do NOT hit him, no matter what. YOU could be the one who winds up in jail, which may be what would make him happier than anything, or he has an "excuse" to beat the hell out of you.

Being fearless includes being SMART. So assume nothing, just work on making your exit as quickly and safely as possible.
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Old 03-30-2015, 04:18 AM
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I will work on my exit. I'm not fearless. I am numb. Six months ago I slapped him once, when he told me our marriage was not even real. I wrote about it here, I felt horrible for doing that. I told him after that was DV and that I could go to jail, and he said that "was nothing, happens all the time with others."

I told him my marriage was sacred to me.

Last night he repeated the same insult, being married in "some courthouse." Well that's where people marry where I am from. I know for sure HE WANTED me to get physical. Why, thanks God, I will never find out.

He will probably refuse signing that tax return and filing. He gets passive like that. Really I am the one doing everything. And maybe the attorney scares him.

But I'll be ready and will not fall again.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:39 AM
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Healthyagain- good for you for not giving into his crap- especially not becoming physical with him. It sounds like he is definitely trying to bait you. It sounds like you are the bigger, stronger, healthier person and hopefully soon you will see how proud you should be of yourself for taking these steps. If I had known five years ago what I know now- I would have moved on, probably frozen a few eggs, and never looked back. Alas, now my time for babies is probably past but I do have my fur babies. Enjoy your puppy and remember to breathe.
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Old 03-30-2015, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Do NOT hit him, no matter what. YOU could be the one who winds up in jail, which may be what would make him happier than anything, or he has an "excuse" to beat the hell out of you. Being fearless includes being SMART. So assume nothing, just work on making your exit as quickly and safely as possible.
I completely agree with Lexiecat! If you touch him in anger it is DV and it does not matter what he verbally said to push you to do it. You will go to jail and it will be permanently on your record as having a DV conviction and how will you explain that to employers, future boyfriends and their families, etc. No one will take the time to understand the real story.
From my experience you are in a dangerous situation. I was like you and I gave people on this forum about the same amount of credit for knowing what I was going through. But, they were all 100% correct! I stupidly had to learn myself instead of taking their very wise and sage advice. No one is trying to tell you how to live your life and no one is saying they know what you are going through or how your partner will react. But, we are sharing our personal experiences and the majority of proof with how DV grows from verbal to physical. We want the best for you! We want to be supportive of your choices. But I think I can speak for many, we are afraid for YOU. You have made up your mind to get out. There is no reason to engage with your husband on any level. Just go ahead and get out. Wishing you a safe journey and a speedy one to your new residence.
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Old 03-30-2015, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by healthyagain View Post
I feel I did the right thing though, although this was supposed to be my little secret. I did not say, "oh, if you do not stop drinking, I will divorce you." I just wanted him to leave me alone and stop hurting me. And I will divorce him.
Yeah, with his crap it's much more than alcohol abuse. I think if he quit drinking today, he'd still be an abusive AZZ... probably even moreso since he couldn't drink and would take it all out on you 20x!!!
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