Shelliszoo

Im feeling like my world as i know it is crashing. This is my story, Im hoping telling it will help me. 3 weeks ago my fulltime job turned into a part time job. 2 days after that I had to admit my daughter to a hospital for anxiety and depression. The first time I get to go see her and meet with her doctors I came home to my live in boyfriend at the bar after 7 months of being sober. he drank that whole weekend and actually didnt come home one night. He, of course was sorry and going to do things differently so we could put some stuff in place for him to get help. My daughter got home 2 weeks ago. Last Sunday he informed me he could be a casual drinker (been there and done that) I told him to do some soul searching and figure it out but if drinking was what he wanted that our agreement was he would move out. He went to the bar and has been there every minute hes not working or home to pass out. He said he would be getting a place this weekend, it didnt happen. tonight he comes home from the bar and told me he will be here this week, next week and so on I will see he can do this. I am so alone. I am trapped, I have a daughter and all the utilities are in his name. I owe past balances on mine because I let them go and moved in him and tried to catch him up. 1 year later my stuff still isn't paid, i have no money at this time, usually I can pay my bills. I need deposits for my power, water and cable after I pay the balances I owe. He is keeping all of his money for his new place he is saying. I need him to leave I'm getting angrier and more hurt everyday. However, the minute he leaves and turns his stuff on mine is off. hes manipulating me into staying. Im trapped. I made the mistake of not taking care of myself and my daughter. I took care him. paid for rehab twice, paid all the bills here when he was gone. Im trapped and I feel I have noway out. i need a way out ... I need ideas of how to get help. He needs to leave before this destroys us all. Im scared, lonely, trapped, anger and hurt. I just have so much to say ... to vent ... overwhelmed

FeelingGreat

Oh Shelli, I'm so sorry for your troubles. No wonder you're feeling panicky, but take some deep breaths, try for calmness, get out the paper and pen, and start making plans. You have some time because for now he's paying the utilities.

You need to earn more money. First up, see if you can find a job with more hours. Do you have parents or other family that can help you financially for now? Friends with somewhere you can stay? Maybe, just for now, a boarding house where you don't have to pay utilities up front.

What social services are there in your area? I know in Australia that the Salvation Army are great at helping homeless women set up again. They can also put you in touch with other services who can help get you on your feet. Do as much research online as you can, Google charities in your area, government programs etc. I'm sure you'll find a way through this.

Don't engage with your BF except maybe to point out that you don't have money because you paid for his rehab, and hope he has a fit of conscience.

searching peace

How long have you been with this man? How long has he been living there? Go to police station and file an eviction, get that ball rolling immediately. The utility companies will work with you so that you can have utilities. Call them and inquire, they have special programs for someone in your situation. I would also call child protective services and ask them if there is a way they could help get him out of your house because that is not good for your daughter in her fragile condition to be around him and his garbage. Also, social services has programs where they can help you establish credit for your utilities. Do not give this man a second thought! Put your daughter and you first! This man is not worth your time, energy or dignity. You are not alone! People here will help and guide you, and be there when you need to vent. Please begin the official eviction process, it can sometimes take several months. Is his name on your home? I don't know if you rent or own. Sending hugs your way! I have been where you are scared, alone, no money and three children to support. You are already ahead of the game because you do have a job, your daughter must be doing better because she is home now. Try to focus on what you do have instead of what you don't. It will help things seem less over whelming. Make a list and start checking things off. Once you begin taking control of the situation you will feel better and not overwhelmed! You can do this!!!!

lillamy

One of the things I remember most clearly about being married to an A is how impossible everything felt. I was so worn out and broken that I wasn't able to see that I had options.

It sounds like you're in that same place. There are always options.

I also have a child who's struggling with her mental health, and I can tell you that while things became remarkably more difficult financially after I left her father, that was also the time when she could really start working on her issues. An alcoholic in the house takes up all the breathing room for everyone else, and I believe you'll find once you find a way out, that both you and your daughter will have more energy to deal with the challenges you face.

Shelliszoo

I am relieved to have found a place I can go to where I can vent and explain my story. It really releases some of my emotions and helps me processes stuff. Your feedback and understanding is a welcome change. I will complete my story tonight tonight and answer your question. Again, thank you so very much.

Shelliszoo

Its another night while i just sit in the livingroom alone while he comes home and goes to sleep.
I find it so hard to believe he can just give up on sobriety and the life he was starting to build to go back to nothing. Oh, but this time he can do it differently. I know hes not lying to me. He believes truly everything he is saying. Hes lying to himself. The other guy has taken back over.
I was asked how long we have been living together ... Over a year. The first three months he was in rehab 3 times then sober for 7 months. Hes now been drinking every night but one since last sunday. Im watching my life disappear. Im watching him die. Its killing me. He has been my best friend for a few years. I thought i knew what I was getting into, I was very wrong. December 2013 he went into the hospital for a month. Full hallucinations, malnutrition, etc. They put he into a coma for a week. His motor skills took a few days to return after they woke him up. He had to use a walker. He was 36.they were not sure how much brain damage he would. (This was his 4th visit to hosiptal in 1.5 years) i sat by his side everyday. It broke my heart. He got out of hospital and started drinking the first day. After about a week i went to him told him i loved him and asked him to stop. He said ive known ypu loved me, its about time you've admitted it. He went into rehab the next week. This was his first attempt to ever stop drinking since he was 14. He was drinking over a half gallon of rum a day.
My heart is breaking!!!
He didnt move out. He thinks ill change my mind and think he can be a casual drinker which he already isnt. I have to figure out how to let him go. I have to figure out how I can financial do this and get out. I have to stop loving him. How did I become so weak and codependent. Why cant I just let him go ... I Got more hours at work, i got a second job. Ill have to struggle to make it, im a little short but will figure it out. But I dont have the money to get out of the hole to start. I need to figure it out ... I need to let him go ...

Shelliszoo

I just want for everything to be ok. I want to stop feeling all these feelings. I want to smile. Why dont I matter to him anymore? Why cant I run away and not look back yet? What is wrong with me?

Catherine628

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you decided to share your story. There is lots of wisdom here.

I've heard it said that the great wish of many alcoholics is that they can drink normally. I think that is why my AH keeps trying and failing to control his drinking.

Living with an alcoholic is like living in the midst of a tornado. Very confusing. My life was spinning out of control and I was holding on for dear life. AL Anon really helped me learn to let go. I haven't stopped loving my AH but I know I need to move on for my own sanity. Love really has no bearing on whether someone stops drinking.

Some social service agencies offer free financial planning services. That may be helpful right now.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Leaving and letting go are hard and often take time. Good luck to you.

searching peace

Nothing is wrong with you. You are a caring, loving person. Just because he is drinking, or acting as if he doesn't care about you, you cannot just turn your feelings off so easily. I think we all understand what you are feeling. Some on here have been through it and are on the other side, some just beginning the journey, and others of us have been trying for a while to understand, accept and be able to let go and move on. You are your worst critic. You are being harder on yourself than anyone else would be. All of your feelings are acceptable. You are entitled to feel everything you are feeling. I'm sorry for your pain. Please keep coming back to update. Please know people on this forum want what is best for you, whatever that is. You will get support and encouragement here. Sending hugs!

Shelliszoo

Thank you for all of your support. Right now it's all I have.
I'm still awake laying on the sofa th thinking about the power Bill could have been paid in full and the rent coukd have been paid. Instead the bar down the street has that money. I was not part of that choice. He tells me yesterday morning not to worry He has this handled because I'm not making much right now and he his. Unsupported this family and got us caught up out of his debt. After pressuring him for answers ... He paid the past due on the power Bill. $150. Wow he had enough to pay it in full and the rent. He's going to pay 1/2 the rent this Friday and the other 1/2 next Friday. Last month was The first month in a year we were on time. We have been 4 months past due and catching up all year. We were finally out of the hole. In one week he puts us back in.
I left him a note telling him I've been trying to think of just one way that we are still a couple ... I can't think of one!! I'm on the sofa!!! The bedroom smells like s bar. I just washed the sheets ... I pray something will happen, something will make me strstrong, make me stand up. OOne right word, one look, one something that will give me strenght but for now I lay here and cry. I've lost the man I love, I've lost most of my money, I just overwhelmed with fear, loneliness, helplessness, I just pathetic. I know I need to get out of my comfort zone and met a friend or two but to be to be honest who would want to be my friend right now? I'm a mess. I was a strong independent woman now I've turned my self int I this. I'm a mom who can't pay her bills who laying on the sofa at 1AM crying to herself. People on the the outside see a strong confident woman who can handle anything ... If they only knew!!! I never knew I'd feel like this. I thought he would stay sober. Maybe have a few falls but he'd get up and we'd get stronger. I thought if he didn't stay sober I'd easily move on. I turned him down from dating for two years. Easily turned him down, I told him I'd never date a drunk. Ive always loved him but wouldn't get close ... I did! I made a huge mess of my life. I'm drowning now!!! Please let something click, please make everything ok. Please just get me through this. Please ...

Shelliszoo

I wrote that from my phone and not my tablet. I apologize for the typing errors ... Right now I apparently can't get very much right. Debbie downer has control right now. She needs to leave ... She takes up to much energy from me. I don't have anything left not even the energy for her ... Lol

Shelliszoo

Today will be a better day for me. Today I will be positive and put in motion some steps I need to take. Today I will try to put myself first. Today I will try not to text him. No matter what happens today I will get stronger. I deserve to be happy, my real smile lights up a room. I want that back, I need that back.

TryingToLearn

Shelliszoo, thank you for sharing your story. Just sending you lots of positive energy.

Duckygirl1

((((Hugs)))
You will get better and stronger day by day! The financial mess will weed itself out. Cut all non vital expenses. You need lights, you don't need cable. You can get that back later. The important thing is that you take control of the situation set a boundary and good-bye date for this self destructive person and stick to it! You and your daughter are all that matter now.

This situation is why I flip my mother loving wig when A's talk about their loved ones being control freaks! Somebody has to keep it together! The only mistake we make is letting them in in the first place.

Shelliszoo

I just so smiled. His biggest, only really, complaint is that I'm a control freak. He says if is just relax things would be great. He's working he says. For now, I say. I don't treat him like a child I treat him like an addict. I've even let go of the rules HE put in place after rehab. I really had no choice. He wanted to give me his money and I pay the bills. Only give him a few extra bucks after getting what he needed. 7 months later that's me controlling everything! He opened his own account and now the bills are getting behind again. I could finally breathe. I wish I would have done things differently and covered my ... But I didn't and I need to try and let that go.
Took my daughter to the doctor this am. Her insurance ran out yesterday. Gave them all The cash I had that was going to pay on my past water Bill. Now to the therapist for her. Hopefully a he will work with me until I get this straight. I'm being tested past all my limits. Ugh ... Beyond overwhelmed... I have to get my controlling self in control of something!!!

firebolt

Im sorry - what a horrible, stressful situation. Can you get to a place where you will be self sufficient without him? You know the current state isn't working. What are your next steps? Sending you good energy and peace!!!

Shelliszoo

I have gotten as far as to figure out how to be fincially ok,with out him once im out. Getting the past due amounts i owe in my name and deposits is where im stuck right now. And if someone gives me a loan to that, its not in my budget to pay it back anytime soon. Which doesnt matter, i dont know anyone i could ask. Banging my head againt the wall on that one! Something will fall into place. It has to ... I just keep getting hit with stuff everday ... It has to stop soon. Im being tested in every way at every turn, i swear.
Took my daughter to the dr. Today to get refills on the meds. She got at the hospital.... Her insurance ran out yesterday. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I could have died. J just want a break ... Just a break, please.
Im a living, giving, full hearted person. Towards him ive become a belittling b#:$#. J hate it. I apologize, i know it doesnt help. Makes me feel worse then i do.
Something has to give soon. I need to stand up and stop but i just keep getting knocked down.

Shelliszoo

Sorry, I was repeative .... I dont know how to edit.

Hawkeye13

What about going to a women's shelter for awhile with your daughter?
It sounds like the stress is harming both of you.

You could at least call a few local shelters and let them know about your situation.
I'm so sorry you are in such crisis and I hope there is some help to be found.

firebolt

Hang in there - getting a plan together is a GREAT first step!!