OMG Help me please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Atlanta Georgia
Posts: 4
OMG Help me please
I am new to this whole alcoholism/rehab thing and was warned at the beginning that she might call several weeks into treatment to try to get us to come pick her up. It was the whole reason we (I) chose a treatment center that is 800 miles away, so I would not be able to just grab my keys and go pick her up....but it is hard.
The "She" is my youngest daughter (25 yo) who is an alcoholic. She has been in treatment for 5 weeks now and I just got off the phone with her (her weekly 10 minute phone call per rehab rules) listening to all the things that are wrong with the place and how much she hates it there. Mind you the 1st 4 weeks were fine, she liked the people, liked the place, was enthusiastic and optimistic. Now, she is just an emotional basketcase claiming that once the patients are past detox the staff starts to engage less and less with the patients, ignoring their requests for towels, pillows etc.
She was in tears telling me how horrible everyone is being to her. How "clique-y" the patients are, how backstabbing and untrustworthy they are. How the staff sits around doing nothing. How her therapist was gone all last week and there seems to have been no plan made for who she would talk to last week and what groups she would be in.
I am an emotional wreck right now. My maternal instinct is screaming at me to do something to protect her. My logical thinking brain is trying to intervene but not having tremendous success.
What do I do? How do I deal with this? Where is the manual to read for parents with alcoholic kids? Is this the infamous PAWS that I hear so much about? How much of what she says do I pay attention to?????
Ugh, I want to just crawl under my budding blue berry bush outside until she is released. I suspect that even after she is released it is still going to be an uphill battle, though :sigh: I am NOT equipped for this.
At the very least can anyone relate???
The "She" is my youngest daughter (25 yo) who is an alcoholic. She has been in treatment for 5 weeks now and I just got off the phone with her (her weekly 10 minute phone call per rehab rules) listening to all the things that are wrong with the place and how much she hates it there. Mind you the 1st 4 weeks were fine, she liked the people, liked the place, was enthusiastic and optimistic. Now, she is just an emotional basketcase claiming that once the patients are past detox the staff starts to engage less and less with the patients, ignoring their requests for towels, pillows etc.
She was in tears telling me how horrible everyone is being to her. How "clique-y" the patients are, how backstabbing and untrustworthy they are. How the staff sits around doing nothing. How her therapist was gone all last week and there seems to have been no plan made for who she would talk to last week and what groups she would be in.
I am an emotional wreck right now. My maternal instinct is screaming at me to do something to protect her. My logical thinking brain is trying to intervene but not having tremendous success.
What do I do? How do I deal with this? Where is the manual to read for parents with alcoholic kids? Is this the infamous PAWS that I hear so much about? How much of what she says do I pay attention to?????
Ugh, I want to just crawl under my budding blue berry bush outside until she is released. I suspect that even after she is released it is still going to be an uphill battle, though :sigh: I am NOT equipped for this.
At the very least can anyone relate???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Where is the manual to read for parents with alcoholic kids?
Have you tried Alanon meetings? There will be lots of parents there who have been through what you are experiencing.
Welcome to SR.
http://www.ga-al-anon.org/
Have you tried Alanon meetings? There will be lots of parents there who have been through what you are experiencing.
Welcome to SR.
http://www.ga-al-anon.org/
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It doesn't sound like she needs to be "protected," it sounds to me like she is realizing life is sometimes uncomfortable and unpleasant, and yes, she will have to learn to cope with it SOBER. You think there aren't cliques and backstabbing in the "real" world? Times when you have to travel, and it might be tough to get a comfy pillow?
She is throwing a drama fit (a) because it really DOES sometimes suck the way you feel when you are newly sober and things are frustrating and unpleasant, and (b) she wants you to do exactly what you are tempted to do--go "rescue" her.
Al-Anon is a great resource for you--I recommend you avail yourself.
Incidentally, "PAWS" is something completely different, though it can affect the level of frustration. PAWS is something that affects concentration and cognitive ability, mostly. When I was newly sober I'd be unable to focus, at times, unable to think of the right word at the right time, have difficulty writing anything coherent, etc.
She'll survive this. Whether she stays sober is another story, of course, but being a little uncomfortable in rehab never hurt anyone. Maybe they're at the point where she's having to face some uncomfortable truths.
When you talk to her, just let her rant. Say things like, "Uh-huh, wow, no kidding, that must have been uncomfortable/made you mad/whatever." "No, I'm not picking you up."
She is throwing a drama fit (a) because it really DOES sometimes suck the way you feel when you are newly sober and things are frustrating and unpleasant, and (b) she wants you to do exactly what you are tempted to do--go "rescue" her.
Al-Anon is a great resource for you--I recommend you avail yourself.
Incidentally, "PAWS" is something completely different, though it can affect the level of frustration. PAWS is something that affects concentration and cognitive ability, mostly. When I was newly sober I'd be unable to focus, at times, unable to think of the right word at the right time, have difficulty writing anything coherent, etc.
She'll survive this. Whether she stays sober is another story, of course, but being a little uncomfortable in rehab never hurt anyone. Maybe they're at the point where she's having to face some uncomfortable truths.
When you talk to her, just let her rant. Say things like, "Uh-huh, wow, no kidding, that must have been uncomfortable/made you mad/whatever." "No, I'm not picking you up."
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello rodriga, and Welcome!
I'm so glad you found us...this is a wonderful place to vent, get support, and learn.
I understand how upsetting it is to hear your precious child be so unhappy. I hope you can allow her to cope with this as an adult. It has been hard to watch my stepson do such self-destructive things, and my husband and I finally realized that he would have to learn to handle life on life's terms on his own. We won't be around forever to pick up his pieces and clean up his messes.
Hang in there, rodriga!
I'm so glad you found us...this is a wonderful place to vent, get support, and learn.
I understand how upsetting it is to hear your precious child be so unhappy. I hope you can allow her to cope with this as an adult. It has been hard to watch my stepson do such self-destructive things, and my husband and I finally realized that he would have to learn to handle life on life's terms on his own. We won't be around forever to pick up his pieces and clean up his messes.
Hang in there, rodriga!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You know you're vulnerable to her distress, and planned accordingly. Sobriety can be hard to handle at first, and not just the withdrawals. What will it do to her ability to cope if you rescue her now? You must show confidence in her resilience or she won't.
Keep posting on SR when you feel like you're slipping. You're a great mother with her best interests at heart.
Keep posting on SR when you feel like you're slipping. You're a great mother with her best interests at heart.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome, and good for you to reach out to people instead of "helping" her get out of the miserable place. Of course everything is bad, its rehab, welcome to the real world.
The problem is that if she is not embracing and learning from the program, she is almost gtd to use when she gets out. If she knows that there is no home, money, cell phone or school for her when she gets out, then she will be on the street. She is cut off and on her own.
I have friends who had a "nightmare" situation with their child also. He hated where he was and what he was doing. They finally cut off contact from him. They woudn't take his calls and if they did and he started up, they got off the phone. They did not engage with him and give him time to complain. He knows that they won't listen, and eventually he stopped. I know its hard, but I am sure this child has burned every bridge she has crossed.
Tough love is what you need, she is an ADDICT and there is nothing you can DO for her. She is an adult and let her grow up and act like one. Everyone has consequences for there actions. Let her have hers. CUT her off if you need to, as she will never feel the pain if you keep cushioning her fall. stay strong mom!!!
The problem is that if she is not embracing and learning from the program, she is almost gtd to use when she gets out. If she knows that there is no home, money, cell phone or school for her when she gets out, then she will be on the street. She is cut off and on her own.
I have friends who had a "nightmare" situation with their child also. He hated where he was and what he was doing. They finally cut off contact from him. They woudn't take his calls and if they did and he started up, they got off the phone. They did not engage with him and give him time to complain. He knows that they won't listen, and eventually he stopped. I know its hard, but I am sure this child has burned every bridge she has crossed.
Tough love is what you need, she is an ADDICT and there is nothing you can DO for her. She is an adult and let her grow up and act like one. Everyone has consequences for there actions. Let her have hers. CUT her off if you need to, as she will never feel the pain if you keep cushioning her fall. stay strong mom!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
It sounds like a very uncomfortable and unpleasant experience for her... but she is safe. She is ok. She's not in any danger.
I would offer her the support over the phone like you already did and let her navigate the rest. It might be just the experience she needs right now.
She isn't in any danger, it's temporary, and she is an adult. Maybe these problems that she is describing are excuses/finding reasons not to go through the program?
I would offer her the support over the phone like you already did and let her navigate the rest. It might be just the experience she needs right now.
She isn't in any danger, it's temporary, and she is an adult. Maybe these problems that she is describing are excuses/finding reasons not to go through the program?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Lexie hit the nail on the head. She's an adult who is going to have to learn to navigate life as a sober person, just like the rest of the world. Or not. It's totally her choice, and you can't fix her either way. If you swoop in to rescue her, you're undermining any potential recovery for certain. She is an adult. This is her deal, not yours.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, rodriga--glad you found us here at SR. It looks like you've gotten some good input from folks; I hope you can take it to heart. Your post did make me think of a recent post from a "daily reading" book that might be helpful. Here's the link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...arch-17-a.html
I don't have an alcoholic child, but I do know the feeling of automatically feeling that anyone's problem is my problem, and I must solve it. It's tough to get past, but it feels so great when you actually start letting people deal w/their own issues.
I've also seen posted here many times--How hard would your A work to get a drink? What discomforts/inconveniences would he/she accept if it meant getting a drink? And then the reverse of that--shouldn't he/she be willing to accept that same level of discomfort/inconvenience, be working equally as hard, to get sober? And that's a big one for me to remember also...
I don't have an alcoholic child, but I do know the feeling of automatically feeling that anyone's problem is my problem, and I must solve it. It's tough to get past, but it feels so great when you actually start letting people deal w/their own issues.
I've also seen posted here many times--How hard would your A work to get a drink? What discomforts/inconveniences would he/she accept if it meant getting a drink? And then the reverse of that--shouldn't he/she be willing to accept that same level of discomfort/inconvenience, be working equally as hard, to get sober? And that's a big one for me to remember also...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
rodriga....Oh, yes, Momma....I can absolutely identify with how you must be feeling and the frustration of dealing with the complaints and demands!
I think the other posters have pretty well covered the basic: She wants to be rescued;Don"t do it.
I agree, also....because to do so would be enabling her.
Trust that she is much safer and better off there than at home.
My biggest concern, right now is You. I can estimate that you are in a psychological vice grip----and, torn in several directions at once by your fears and the feelings of helplessness that come from dealing with an adult child who is presenting problems.
I don't know what kinds of support/advice/ help you are getting to help you manage...but, I can tell you what I wish I had someone tell me at the stage you are in.
Biundaries....Boundaries...Boundaries...are going to be absolutely essential for you....otherwise I think you will be sitting duck for disaster when she leaves rehab.
The problem is, though...you don't have much time till she is discharged....so, you are going to have to do a sort of "crash course" in learning how to place boundaries---and to deal with the different feelings that you are going to have to face and deal with within yourself.
Like, for instance...GUILT. Mother's guilt. That is big--at least it was for me.
It might help if you start thinking about and listing your own fears....things like: If I don't help her in the way that she demands--she might not love me anymore because I "wasn't there for her when she "needed" me. I will look like an uncaring mother to everyone. She is going to trash talk about me. She is going to throw tantrums. She can't make it if I am not her "soft place to fall". If she isn't saying nice things to me or about me--that means I am a failure as a mother. I must have caused this in some way when I was raising her--so, it is my duty to be there for her now.
Those sorts of things.
My advice to you (since you asked) would be to find an EXPERIENCED addictions counselor as rapidly as humanly possible---they will be able to see around the corners that you can't, right now. (there is a lot to know about this disease and about addicts).
In addition, you need to be in the company of other parents who have already been over this rocky stretch of road--and have the scars to prove it.
I know little to nothing about your particular situation...but, I would be very cautious about her coming to live in your house after rehab. I am inclined to say NOT to do it at all---but, I think you need the help of a counselor to help you with this.
Alanon (in addition to what I mentioned above) for the long haul---but, I believe that, right now, you also need "crisis intervention". You have a little window of time--don't wait until it is on your doorstep to arm yourself.
While it might sound like I am beating this point too hard...but, Mom, you are going to need equally as much help as she does. The very best way of helping her is to now fortify yourself to deal with this.
***By the way, she knows your hot buttons and weak points better than you know them yourself (they always do)...and she will push every one of them in order to get her way. Be forewarned that alcoholics do not like to be told "no"--so she will scream very l oud in the beginning. Do not let her screams distract you from doing what is in the best interest of her and yourself.
If you look at the top of the main page--you will see a list of "stickies". Click on the one marked: "Classic Readings".....then, go to the one titled: "Ten ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap". That will be very valuable information for you.
My heart goes out to you, as one m other to another. This journey is too hard to walk alone.
Please keep posting.....
dandylion
I think the other posters have pretty well covered the basic: She wants to be rescued;Don"t do it.
I agree, also....because to do so would be enabling her.
Trust that she is much safer and better off there than at home.
My biggest concern, right now is You. I can estimate that you are in a psychological vice grip----and, torn in several directions at once by your fears and the feelings of helplessness that come from dealing with an adult child who is presenting problems.
I don't know what kinds of support/advice/ help you are getting to help you manage...but, I can tell you what I wish I had someone tell me at the stage you are in.
Biundaries....Boundaries...Boundaries...are going to be absolutely essential for you....otherwise I think you will be sitting duck for disaster when she leaves rehab.
The problem is, though...you don't have much time till she is discharged....so, you are going to have to do a sort of "crash course" in learning how to place boundaries---and to deal with the different feelings that you are going to have to face and deal with within yourself.
Like, for instance...GUILT. Mother's guilt. That is big--at least it was for me.
It might help if you start thinking about and listing your own fears....things like: If I don't help her in the way that she demands--she might not love me anymore because I "wasn't there for her when she "needed" me. I will look like an uncaring mother to everyone. She is going to trash talk about me. She is going to throw tantrums. She can't make it if I am not her "soft place to fall". If she isn't saying nice things to me or about me--that means I am a failure as a mother. I must have caused this in some way when I was raising her--so, it is my duty to be there for her now.
Those sorts of things.
My advice to you (since you asked) would be to find an EXPERIENCED addictions counselor as rapidly as humanly possible---they will be able to see around the corners that you can't, right now. (there is a lot to know about this disease and about addicts).
In addition, you need to be in the company of other parents who have already been over this rocky stretch of road--and have the scars to prove it.
I know little to nothing about your particular situation...but, I would be very cautious about her coming to live in your house after rehab. I am inclined to say NOT to do it at all---but, I think you need the help of a counselor to help you with this.
Alanon (in addition to what I mentioned above) for the long haul---but, I believe that, right now, you also need "crisis intervention". You have a little window of time--don't wait until it is on your doorstep to arm yourself.
While it might sound like I am beating this point too hard...but, Mom, you are going to need equally as much help as she does. The very best way of helping her is to now fortify yourself to deal with this.
***By the way, she knows your hot buttons and weak points better than you know them yourself (they always do)...and she will push every one of them in order to get her way. Be forewarned that alcoholics do not like to be told "no"--so she will scream very l oud in the beginning. Do not let her screams distract you from doing what is in the best interest of her and yourself.
If you look at the top of the main page--you will see a list of "stickies". Click on the one marked: "Classic Readings".....then, go to the one titled: "Ten ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap". That will be very valuable information for you.
My heart goes out to you, as one m other to another. This journey is too hard to walk alone.
Please keep posting.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by rodriga 
I am new to this whole alcoholism/rehab thing and was warned at the beginning that she might call several weeks into treatment to try to get us to come pick her up. It was the whole reason we (I) chose a treatment center that is 800 miles away, so I would not be able to just grab my keys and go pick her up....but it is hard.
The "She" is my youngest daughter (25 yo) who is an alcoholic. She has been in treatment for 5 weeks now and I just got off the phone with her (her weekly 10 minute phone call per rehab rules) listening to all the things that are wrong with the place and how much she hates it there. Mind you the 1st 4 weeks were fine, she liked the people, liked the place, was enthusiastic and optimistic. Now, she is just an emotional basketcase claiming that once the patients are past detox the staff starts to engage less and less with the patients, ignoring their requests for towels, pillows etc.
She was in tears telling me how horrible everyone is being to her. How "clique-y" the patients are, how backstabbing and untrustworthy they are. How the staff sits around doing nothing. How her therapist was gone all last week and there seems to have been no plan made for who she would talk to last week and what groups she would be in.
I am an emotional wreck right now. My maternal instinct is screaming at me to do something to protect her. My logical thinking brain is trying to intervene but not having tremendous success.
What do I do? How do I deal with this? Where is the manual to read for parents with alcoholic kids? Is this the infamous PAWS that I hear so much about? How much of what she says do I pay attention to?????
Ugh, I want to just crawl under my budding blue berry bush outside until she is released. I suspect that even after she is released it is still going to be an uphill battle, though :sigh: I am NOT equipped for this.
At the very least can anyone relate???
The "She" is my youngest daughter (25 yo) who is an alcoholic. She has been in treatment for 5 weeks now and I just got off the phone with her (her weekly 10 minute phone call per rehab rules) listening to all the things that are wrong with the place and how much she hates it there. Mind you the 1st 4 weeks were fine, she liked the people, liked the place, was enthusiastic and optimistic. Now, she is just an emotional basketcase claiming that once the patients are past detox the staff starts to engage less and less with the patients, ignoring their requests for towels, pillows etc.
She was in tears telling me how horrible everyone is being to her. How "clique-y" the patients are, how backstabbing and untrustworthy they are. How the staff sits around doing nothing. How her therapist was gone all last week and there seems to have been no plan made for who she would talk to last week and what groups she would be in.
I am an emotional wreck right now. My maternal instinct is screaming at me to do something to protect her. My logical thinking brain is trying to intervene but not having tremendous success.
What do I do? How do I deal with this? Where is the manual to read for parents with alcoholic kids? Is this the infamous PAWS that I hear so much about? How much of what she says do I pay attention to?????
Ugh, I want to just crawl under my budding blue berry bush outside until she is released. I suspect that even after she is released it is still going to be an uphill battle, though :sigh: I am NOT equipped for this.
At the very least can anyone relate???
A lot of the effects of alcohol are gone, people aren't doing what she thinks they should be, and now suffering from self pity because now the rubber has hit the road and she has to put in the footwork rather than others doing it, which I'm thinkin she's had quite a few years of others doing that for her- in other words, enabling her to continue to not have to grow up and take responsabilith for herself.
what you should do? Seek help for codependency for you.Yup, she's your child, but she's gonna ave to learn how to face life on life's terms and if someone's there every time pickin up the pieces of HER life she's not going to learn.
Mind if I ask, that if ya crawled under a bush until she's released, then what would YOU do?
If people would have kept carrying me, enabling me, ad picking me up every time I got In a Jamb I don't think I would have learned how to take accountability and responsabilith for my life.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
My daughter pulled the same dramatic hissy fit too about around 5 weeks into a year long program. She hated it, no one liked her, she was a prisoner, the whole shabang. I told her that she could leave anytime she wanted. She wasn't coming home, I wasn't picking her up and I certainly wasn't buying a plane ticket to go back to Chicago. Of course I was the worst person in the world who was selfish and always favored her brother. Quack. Then a few days later Amy Winehouse died. She called me back and said "maybe I'll stay"
She's a healthy productive person now. Still get quacks now and again, but that's because she's a brat. Point is let her learn to pick herself up and fight for herself and her sobriety. Because I'm telling you true as anything, if you take her out and her addiction brings the law down on her or worse, you will be blamed. So, if you're going to be castigated no matter what, be so on the side that gives her the best shot at life. ((((Hugs)))
She's a healthy productive person now. Still get quacks now and again, but that's because she's a brat. Point is let her learn to pick herself up and fight for herself and her sobriety. Because I'm telling you true as anything, if you take her out and her addiction brings the law down on her or worse, you will be blamed. So, if you're going to be castigated no matter what, be so on the side that gives her the best shot at life. ((((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Atlanta Georgia
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for responding. You all are right of course. I know that I enable her and am working on myself in that respect. I have attended al-anon meetings and also went through a family workshop with her 2 weekends ago that helped immensely.
I can do this. I have to be strong. I don't have a lot of support since we have just relocated to another state and I know no one here, but I won't let that stop me.
Amazingly enough I asked her what she wanted me to do yesterday on her phone call and she said "Just listen to me, I just need to vent - I don't want you to come pick me up." So maybe I need to listen to my own daughters advice and just listen to her.
I am hoping she will call today and it will not be as intense. But if it is, I will deal with it and take the advice you all have offered.
Again, THANKYOU to you all.
Rodri
I can do this. I have to be strong. I don't have a lot of support since we have just relocated to another state and I know no one here, but I won't let that stop me.
Amazingly enough I asked her what she wanted me to do yesterday on her phone call and she said "Just listen to me, I just need to vent - I don't want you to come pick me up." So maybe I need to listen to my own daughters advice and just listen to her.
I am hoping she will call today and it will not be as intense. But if it is, I will deal with it and take the advice you all have offered.
Again, THANKYOU to you all.
Rodri
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, that's actually pretty promising, that she said she DIDN'T want you to come get her. And I get that need to vent, and she can't do it very easily there, since any venting is likely to be heavily "therapatized" ("Let's look at why you feel that way").
It sounds like she's doing fine. No action from Mom needed, just an ear. You just need your OWN space to vent--and right here is great.
It sounds like she's doing fine. No action from Mom needed, just an ear. You just need your OWN space to vent--and right here is great.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
All I can add, is you don't have to be harsh or closed-off to set a boundary or say "no". Once I learned this, I was able to be firm and loving, without backing down, and without being angry or cruel.
This was one very hard lesson for me to learn due to how I was raised.
Hugs to you and hang in there!
This was one very hard lesson for me to learn due to how I was raised.
Hugs to you and hang in there!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
At 25 she is an adult women and needs to be treated like one. She may leave anytime she wants. If she doesn't have the money or a place to go then she has a problem which is not yours.
I highly recommend you going ALANON to learn about boundaries, enabling, codependency, and appropriate support. You will not fix her but you will learn how to be content with an active alcoholic in your life
I highly recommend you going ALANON to learn about boundaries, enabling, codependency, and appropriate support. You will not fix her but you will learn how to be content with an active alcoholic in your life
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 113
Hi Rodriga,
My over 40 AH has pulled this each time he has been in rehab- as soon as the newness wears offhe wants/ deserves/ demands his God given right to entitlements. Exhausting. I think other posters have it right- she is an adult and she will make it through this. It's sad that she's trying to make you feel bad about getting her help.
When I was in my 20's I remember calling my mom in tears to come get me too. But I was in boot camp and that too was a no can do :-). Hang in there!
My over 40 AH has pulled this each time he has been in rehab- as soon as the newness wears offhe wants/ deserves/ demands his God given right to entitlements. Exhausting. I think other posters have it right- she is an adult and she will make it through this. It's sad that she's trying to make you feel bad about getting her help.
When I was in my 20's I remember calling my mom in tears to come get me too. But I was in boot camp and that too was a no can do :-). Hang in there!
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