BwanaWill

Hi all,

My girlfriend has just entered a detox/rehabilitation clinic for a period of 6-21 weeks depending on how she responds to treatment for her alcoholism. I've been left with the care of our 3 year old son and we are about to be kick out of our home as a consequence of her drinking at work and losing her job (our flat came with her job). I got so much stuff to sort out and any advice would be welcome. It's been a nightmare year for us all. My girlfriend has always had an unhealthy relationship alcohol, once she started to drink she just didn't stop till she dropped. I was always embarrassed and upset by it so distanced myself from it by not really going out with her when I knew drink was available (we ended up not having much of a social life ) She started drinking daily at home after the birth of our lovely son and about 6 months ago I put my foot down and stopped it. Unfortunately it turns out she had already become dependant by that point as she started drinking everywhere else i.e work, began sneaking about, stashing and lots and lots of lying. She has also spent the last 6 months blaming her drinking on our relationship, the stress of bring up our son and our life and work. Classic behaviour as I understand it. Anyway, she was acceptant of the opportunity to go into rehab to her credit but that's left me in a mighty hole regarding what steps I should take next. As I mentioned we got to find somewhere else to live soon and with the child care I can only work part time and can't really afford anywhere near the clinic so we could visit her once a week for the next few months. Also worried that after a very stressful and tiring 6 months , another 6 months of worry and little support along with financial burdens what state I will be in for my son in a few months. Most of my family live a long way away and have offered to put us up but then we couldn't visit the clinic very often. Not sure what is left of our relationship at this point, kind of depends what she's saying when she's sober and being honest with herself but don't want to make a decision that may damage her recovery ie no visits from her son. I know I have to focus on my well being at this point and my sons and understand that she has to focus on herself in rehab so maybe I would be better off moving away to my support network at this point and let her join us when she's out of the clinic. If I stay around here I'm worried I may cripple myself emotionally, physically and financially for the sake of a few hours visits over the next few months ?? If we do work things out then what home environment would she be returning to after the clinic ?? I've got a lot of resentment to deal with over this and don't want to make a decision that may actually fuel that even more. Got about a month to decide whether to move into a rental property near the clinic or head 500 miles away to be with my family. Tough one hey. Any opinions and advice most welcome

SparkleKitty

Double post, sorry.

SparkleKitty

Go where you are supported, by all means. She is where she needs to be to get better. Go where you need to go to take care of yourself and your son. Part of her recovery will be learning to accept and deal with the consequences of her addiction, one of which might be not seeing the two of you for a few months. Part of your recovery is prioritizing your needs and those of your child.

LexieCat

Agree with SparkleKitty, a hundred percent. Do NOT make visiting her your only (or even primary) consideration. You will all survive without visits. Lots of people here in the US (i'm assuming you are elsewhere since you mentioned your "flat") go to rehabs clear across the country and the family doesn't see them until they come home.

You have a lot on your plate. Go be with your family, and I'd suggest that you check out Al-Anon for support for you.

dandylion

BWanna....can we assume that she is the custodial parent...since you are not married?

Hopefully, things will go well....but, is seems that you feel a bit wobbly about the future of your relationship.
Are you fully aware of what your legal parenting rights (and responsibilities) are?

dandylion

**If your family is supportive...it sure sounds like being closer to them would be best for you and your baby.

Refiner

You need to go where YOU will get support. And that sure doesn't sound like that means you should go to her.

BwanaWill

Hi, Here in the uk I got equal rights regarding childcare as my name is on the birth cert. Have already got legal advice and should I decide to move I will be getting a legal agreement drawn up to say that she agrees to me moving her son away. Not custody, just a legal agreement should our relationship sour even more then I don't want to have too be looking over my shoulder. Have discussed this with her and she finds it upsetting which I understand. She says I don't trust her, well I'm afraid after the last 6 months I don't at the moment. Thanks for your feedback

dandylion

Bwana...it is a relief to hear that you have the legal aspects covered.

You sound like a good dad. I hope that the next 6months will become a turningpoint for your wife....

dandylion

LexieCat

dandy, just FYI, here in the US when two parents live together there is generally no issue regarding who is the "custodial parent." Both parents generally have an equal right to custody of their child unless there is an order that spells it out.

And, generally, as long as one parent isn't concealing the child's whereabouts, either parent could move with the child, as long as it isn't for the purpose of depriving the other parent of his/her parental rights.

dandylion

Lexie...thanks...

dandylion

BwanaWill

A lot of great advice thanks. It all seems to be in agreement to me moving closer to my support network and letting my GF focus on her recovery and have to cope with not seeing us for a few months. I would be interested in anyone's option the other way. Perhaps someone who has been through rehab or knows someone who has that couldn't have done it without regular visits from their children ?

LexieCat

I haven't been through rehab (got sober in AA six and a half years ago), but I know a TON of recovered alcoholics--including those who have been through rehab, and I have NEVER heard anyone express the belief that they could not have made it without visits.

There are a lot of things to accomplish while in rehab. It isn't like serving a jail sentence where you just sit around and "do time." There are meetings, classes, activities. Time is pretty structured. Sometimes visits can actually be a distraction--especially when both parties are sizing each other up (will he leave me? does she LOOK like she's serious about sobriety?).

Even if visits would be nice to have, they are by no means essential to the recovery process.

BwanaWill

Thanks Lexie, I have seen the schedule/rehab program and your right it's very full and structured as you describe. I realise that my GF needs time, we both need time to come to terms with what's happened and I agree visits could bring pressure and anxiety to us both. I had considered that, the fact that some distance may actually help us in the long term. I just want to be able to facilitate her recovery as best I can. Even if we don't stay together she will always be my son's mum. Thanks for your insight x

redatlanta

Only she can facilitate her recovery.

I do understand it would be upsetting that she not see her son for awhile; however, your financial situation demands you do what is BEST for the family not what is best for one member of it. IMO sinking yourself into a couple months of more struggle when you could alleviate it would be an erroneous decision - the whole family has been in chaos.

Lets not forget that your situation is due to her actions. I'm sure I sound harsh, but taking her feelings into consideration and stretching yourself to accommodate her wants is puzzling. I am sure your son would love to be somewhere that was safe and full of love.

I hope her focus will be on recovery and healing the damage that has been done.

BwanaWill

Hi Redatlanta,

You're right our family has been in chaos for far too long and rehab couldn't have come soon enough. Since she was suspended from work in August she has spiralled completely out of control, drinking through the morning, sleeping all afternoon and then starting again in the evening. My son has been my main focus throughout and has been safe and loved but unfortunately witnessed a lot of fighting and his mum in a terrible state. There have been weeks when we or she just had to get away, to gather resolve to cope with the following days and weeks. The consequences of her drinking have left her in a very fragile mental state. Our whole life as we knew has been wrecked. Her blaming behaviour has completely messed with my head, she's sold her excuses and justification to a lot of our friends, well those who are pretty ignorant in this and loyal to her and in turn they have vilified me. I guess I that's left me feeling very obligated to do the right thing by her but I know my welfare and my son's has to come first ! I appreciate your comments, thanks

PHIZ007

I am so glad you have found SR.

No more to add.

I moved my family unit from Australia back to the UK.....I had been there nearly 13 years but as my AH drinking got worse I needed to be near my family.

If you haven't already tried it I would also suggest AL Anon......it keeps me sane!

Take care Phiz

BwanaWill

hi phiz, I have found great comfort tonight with SR and have also read some useful books on the subject of codependancy etc. Looked into AL ANon meeting near by and would like to go but don't have any evening childcare available presently. I live in a pretty isolated place and it's just me and my boy really. That's another reasons for my desire to be closer to family, as much as I love spending time with my son I feel like I really need night off you know. 6 months more and I worry what effect it will have on me and my ability to provide the best I can for him. I would be able to attend meetings if I moved so that's another reason for I suppose. thanks

BwanaWill

Dear SR friends, Wanted to let you all know that I have finally reached a decision regarding the move, give you a quick update of my situation and thanks you all for your advice that I've found a great source of comfort and guidance. My partner has been in the clinic for nearly 6 weeks now. What a difference, she is making such great progress, sober, acceptant and honest. I am so proud of her and am beginning to feel positive and excited about the future for the first time in over a year. We had our first family therapy session last week which went well. I didn't say anything that I've not been saying over and over for years regarding her drinking and the effect it has had on me but the difference was instead of recrimination and turning every thing back on me she sat there and agreed and was so acceptant and remorseful. We have reached a decision together regarding what we should do from here to enable the best chance of happiness and recovery for all of us. At the end of May my son and I will be moving south, back to my roots and closer to my family and she will be joining us 12 weeks later once her treatment in the clinic is complete. Found us a really nice new home in a village 6 miles from my mum, close to a primary school and potential work for myself. Excited but apprehensive, bit of a risk relocating my buisness but hope it will all work out fine and my partner can step back into her role as mother, provider and partner once she is ready. Any tips/advice regarding partners coming home after rehab would be useful at this stage as I realise this is only the start of her life of sobriety. Should alcohol ever pass her lips again she will be out, back on a train to her family. There's no way that destructive force will ruin everything again. Thanks again for being there when I really needed it x

LexieCat

Glad to hear things are going well! Hope it continues--it very well might. Relapse is NOT a requirement--neither my first husband nor I have relapsed (yet)--he's been sober 35 years, and I've been sober for close to seven years.

My best advice for when she comes home is to leave her recovery activities (AA or whatever) COMPLETELY up to her. Don't monitor how many meetings she's going to, whether she calls her sponsor or how often (or even whether she has one). Get involved in Al-Anon to help you maintain YOUR side of the street. You'll make some great friends and learn a lot about yourself.

I'd be careful about making pronouncements about what you will/won't do if she ever picks up a drink unless you are POSITIVE about what you would do. Whether you kick her out immediately is totally up to you, but even though relapse isn't a requirement, slips in early recovery are common enough that you might want to consider your response when/if that happens. So much depends on what the alcoholic's reaction/response is if it does happen. Some people are really upset when they find that they've done that and redouble their efforts, and it never happens again. For other people, it's just the start of a slide right back into their addiction.

So I'm not suggesting what you should or shouldn't do if she does have a slip/relapse. That's totally your call. All I'm saying is that if you aren't POSITIVE you would do that, maybe you're better off not saying it.

BwanaWill

Thanks for all the advice. I understand that the move will be difficult for her to adjust to and will inevitably bring stress. I was going to have to move anyway but staying around here wasn't going to address any of the stuff that has contributed to this problem. This whole nightmare situation has highlighted all the things that weren't right with our relationship and all the stuff in our lives that were making us both unhappy. Isolation, lack of support, job dissatisfaction and of coarse alcohol abuse. I hope the move will address at least some of these though not kidding myself on that everything will all be rosey. My thinking has changed dramatically recently. It may sound crazy but I'm actually glad that this happened in a way. Obviously horrible that my partner ended up in rehab an me and my son have been left to pick up the pieces but glad we've identified both our shortcomings and can address them - look to change and be better parents and partners to each other , glad it happened at a point in my sons life that he wouldn't even remember, glad nothing happened that can't be fixed i.e injury through DUI, glad to be moving on as we have been considering for a while, glad my partner finally accepts her powerlessness over alcohol and looking forward to a sober relationship with her. I'm probably coming across very naive, I know the relapse stats aren't in her favour but have to be positive at this point. She's had such a scare, almost lost everything that she cares about and I hope by addressing some of the stuff that was making us both unhappy that will support her recovery. Her son will be her main motivation I think, she misses him terribly and him her. With change, support and honesty I hope we can make it through. She has always had a problem with honesty, not that she's a liar it's just she very good at bottling stuff up, pulling the wool over peoples eyes, making out all's ok. She's doing a lot of work on that in the clinic and I hope our relationship will benefit from that. Plan on going to al anon meeting once moved and AA will also be available for her. I don't really drink so there will be no booze in the house but there is a pub down the road but then where isn't there easy access to the stuff. We have agreed to leave guilt and shame behind us as best we can anyway and I have forgiven her for the most part. With this recent change in thinking my anger has fallen away. Pretty remarkable really. I just don't want guilt to hold back her recovery as that's the main feeling she has been holding on to. she had a death in the family this week which hasn't helped. Terrible timing but has been expected (long term illness). She is dealing with it as well as can be expected.