freetosmile

It's been a while since AH threw me against the wall and went to jail. He's been different since he got on meds...but you know me...I'm just waiting for him to fail. Horrible, isn't it? We get hope and then the minuete we get it we even like to be the one to crush it. I'm still pretty hyper vigilant, I guess.

He has court next week for sentencing on his domestic. I have left the subject alone. I don't discuss it with him.

I HAVE let him hang around the kids a lot lately. They too have commented on his shift in thought processing.

They have enjoyed him and I am grateful for that.

I find that I am not really angry at him anymore. I'm not allowing myself to relive the hurtful words and deeds anymore. I'm not forgetting, that is for sure...but I'm just not super hurt anymore. Maybe the wounds are closing?

Here is the kicker, though. Am I ok- because right now HE is ok? Ahhhhh. I don't know. I would like to think not- but something in me says maybe I am.

How can you tell if your peaceful because of YOU or because your basing your emotions off of someone else's? If he was a wreck, would I be a wreck too? I hate to say this guys, but the answer could probably be a yes.

So.....what do I do? He is so at peace right now...and that's great. Good for him. UGH....I just want to make sure I'm feeling for ME, not HIM. Ya know?

hopeful4

I think it changes from moment to moment and that is ok. I still get anxiety when my X is around my kids. I likely will until they are fully grown. However, I am still doing great and am no longer the angry, resentful person I was. You do heal from that, a little at a time.

So while it may be better b/c he is acting better, YOU have made huge progress, even when things were not OK. You may not see it, but to me it was very very clear the progress you had/have made.

XXX

LexieCat

Do you know what sentence he's getting for the offense? Hopefully, it will include probation, no alcohol, alcohol/mental health treatment, and batterers' intervention.

It's worth finding out who his probation officer is and having a chat with him/her. You can find out exactly what his conditions are, and if you have a problem with him, you can contact probation. They can do things like increase random monitoring, increase his reporting, or if he screws up big-time, revoke his probation.

I'm glad you're feeling more peaceful. You KNOW I'll tell you to continue to be careful.

I think it's fine for you to appreciate the peace right now. It's certainly an improvement over constant craziness. You don't have to maintain a some "appropriate" level of anger. I think anger is understandable when it hits, but overall it isn't a helpful emotion. It really has nothing to do with whether you continue to be cautious where he's concerned.

I'd keep him OUT of the house unless/until he gets a good long period of sobriety and you see how he reacts when life gets stressful. I'd also like to see you make some good friends at school or some other activity you enjoy so you have people other than him in your life. People you can count on when something like your surgery or other things come up. People who will have your back when you need them. Part of why all of this was so difficult was that you had nobody else to lean on.

Hugs, hope things continue to go well!

hopeful4

Good idea Lexie. I know when I was with my X I certainly wish I had kept in better touch and utilized the probation officer.

freetosmile

love ya Lex!! ( and I think the most he could do is some county time- but this is his first offense- so I doubt they will give him that)

cookiesncream

And as an add on to what Lexie said this is basically the same exact thing I said to Katchie. I think it is good for you to feel peaceful. Hard to know which comes first the chicken or the egg. However we all know that relapse rates are incredibly high, something like 50-90%. You don't know whether this was the time that will "stick" or not. My concern is should he relapse, and statistically the odds aren't in his favor, and he is prone to domestic violence when drinking, where does that leave you should that occur? I will enjoy the peace but proceed with extreme caution. Domestic violence kills people.

LexieCat

Probation is usually INSTEAD of county time. Unless the judge just says, "time served," he is likely to get probation, which is actually better, from my point of view, because it gives him some incentive to keep it up with getting his act together. Most people would rather have probation than a jail sentence.

Jail isn't fun. So I hear.

Kboys

Hi Free,
Yes, I totally get this feeling!
I have just been trying to enjoy the times my AH is at peace, in good spirits, and we're having a good time, and just be in the moment.

Even if I am only feeling okay and happy because he is okay and happy... well... at least I'm okay and happy

And I've been trying to use those good times, the calm and peacefulness, to gain clarity and build my strength for the next time things go to you know what.

You're doing great! Keep doing what you're doing

Hugs to you!!!

MrsVain

when my AX was on probation he still drank so i am not sure if it will be an incentive

freetosmile

yes, I think probation would be a good thing. He is still providing for the family, so I would like that to continue. Jail would really screw that up. I'm STILL behind from him going to treatment.

HA- no jail isn't fun (I've heard. Never have been there...thank the Lord.)

amy55

Niki,

And here comes debbie downer. I am really hoping for the best for you. I really am. I am just so jaded.

He has a court case coming up. He doesn't know what is going to go on with it. He needs you to perhaps testify that he has changed. (I don't think they do this, but he could be thinking this)

One thing I want you to always think about is how is he with other people? Can he control his anger then? Would he ever hit a police officer or anyone with authority? Or anyone stronger then him?

If the answer is no, then he has always had control over his anger.

People can control themselves when they know it is to their benefit. Always remember that.

I have gone through many honeymoon periods, times like when I thought things changed (when I went through cancer treatment for 11 months), the the walk on eggshell periods.

This is not long enough to trust anything about him.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

dandylion

free....I was thinking the same thing that Lexie brought up......about developing a circle of girlfriends. That is one of the most golden assets that you can have.

I remember when I was a single parent and back in school--I know I couldn't have made it without the support and friendship of other single mothers and classmates, etc.
Friends....especially other women become like extended family....and, they are usually the first to be there when help is needed.

dandylion

LexieCat

I'm assuming he pled guilty under a plea agreement and he knows EXACTLY what sentence he's getting. Judges can, in theory, impose a lesser sentence than the agreement calls for but they rarely do it and I'm betting his lawyer has told him this is what he's getting.

It's easy enough to find out what it will be, you just call the prosecutor and ask. In free's shoes, I'd sure want to know.

honeypig

FTS, you've gotten a lot of thoughts here and I have nothing to add. I just wanted to say that I totally get what you're saying here. I often wonder if I can take any credit for my "recovery" or if I'm just lucky to have a fairly "easy" A who has not put me thru what many here have gone thru. Exactly what you said--am I feeling for me or for him?

Hugs--I hope we both get that figured out!

LexieCat

I dunno. Isn't that sort of like wondering how great your recovery from cancer is because you had a less-aggressive type that responded to a very minor surgical procedure? Does that mean you should be less happy and grateful than someone who beat something like lung cancer after a long and grueling battle with it? Aren't you just as happy and healthy minus a ton of suffering that had to be endured first?

Be happy and grateful. Don't look a gift recovery in the mouth.

maia1234

((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) free!!!

freetosmile

Good thoughts here. I really appreciate you guys. You are right lex, there is some stuff I should probably find out legally.
Amy, for sure.... I'm very jaded as well. I feel like it could be a honey moon type thing but I just can't live my life waiting for a fallout. So I don't know how to take him right now. I'm confused on that.

Thanks guys.....i love you all so much!

Hangnbyathread

Nice response Amy.

dandylion

free....."I just can't live my life waiting for a fallout".......Of course not!! Just waiting for the old familiar to reappear again.....that is no way to live, in my opinion.

My best advice would be to take steps toward building something new for you.
Some new relationships and activities that have nothing to do with him OR your children.

I realize that you have school...but, school is work "All school and no Free makes Free a dull girl".

You will need a life for yourself that is not totally woven around those that you care take for.
Care taking can become so all consuming---therefore, very isolating.
It is a trap that so many fall into.

dandylion