johnno1

I've finally come to a place where I'm not in denial yah!
I'm feeling great detaching yah!
So of course now I want to leave lol!
The only thing is my beautiful kids....this will totally devastate them, even if he is away one night they cry they miss him 😯 one of my girls is quite anxious personality so quite dramatic.
He is very involved in their lives sports, school things etc they have no idea he drinks, yes he hangs out in the shed drinking but they don't know he's a drunk, he's the nice one and I'm just the mum making them do stuff like homework and jobs lol but we are super close of course they love me 😊😊
fear of me taking them away from their dad and fear of financially managing is messing with my head.
any words of wisdom?? 😭

SparkleKitty

I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic who didn't know her mother drank, or that her father was a Codependent, and it wasn't until many, many, MANY years later that I understood how the dysfunctional dynamics of their relationship had doomed me to years of unhealthy relationships of my own.

My dad was afraid to leave, too. If he had taken us from her, I would have been scared, but I would have gotten over it. If he had, I would have had at least one parent who showed me that sometimes you have to do what you have to do to be happy, even though you're afraid.

johnno1

Oh bless you sparkle kitty ! Thank you thank you for sharing I needed to read that today xxx

Katchie

Sparklekitty said it beautifully. I thought like you too in my marriage. I was wiling to suffer anything to keep the family together because my kids love their dad. But as the years have gone one his alcohol abuse has only increased. My children were place in dangerous situations by my husband.
I'm trying to say that his disease left untreated only gets worse. So today the kids may not know, but as he progresses they will, and what does it teach them? What damage does that cause.
In the end, you have to do what you believe is in your and your childrens best interest. You'll find your way.

LexieCat

Kids adjust--most are not "devastated" by divorce. A lot depends on how the parents interact after the divorce. Family counseling for you and the kids might help a lot with the transition.

johnno1

Yes thank you both, I myself was not traumatized by my parents divorcing lol!
I just have fear, fear of many things I need to work through before I do it.
I guess I'm just taking those steps before the time comes.
��

hopeful4

For a long time, before my kids knew my X had a drinking problem, he was the fun one, I was the one who made them do things. They got older and realized what was going on. Thing is, the person all of that stress turned me into was awful, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I am divorced now. Sure, there are bumps along the way, but I am a much happier person and that certainly is a great thing for my children.

Hugs to you.

Kboys

Thanks for this thread
I needed to read these comments today too.

NWGRITS

Kids are NEVER unaffected by a parent's drinking, no matter how much you may want to float on denial and tell yourself they don't know (it ain't just a river in Egypt, hon). They always know - maybe not about the actual drinking, but they know things aren't right. The dysfunction in your marriage is shaping their ideas of how relationships work. They deserve a home without an active alcoholic in it. That's the least you can do for them.

LexieCat

One thing to consider, too, is that coming from a home with divorce no longer carries any stigma. A large percentage of their classmates probably come from homes where the parents are no longer together. It isn't the big deal, from a social acceptance standpoint, that it once was for kids to have divorced parents. It's approaching the norm.

dandylion

johnno.....I think that most parents vastly underestimate how much the children know about what is going on. Even very young children.
I don't know how old your children are...but, whatever affects the parents affects the home...and, they "feel" it.

It reminds me of the joke of the father who was going to have the "sex" talk with his son.
Dad: Son, I want to talk to you about sex.
Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?

dandylion

Hawkeye13

I knew and suffered way before my mother thought I did

She kidded herself she was "protecting me" but that is a load of bunk.

Kids are really sensitive that way. Adults just rationalize things are OK.

Not meaning you johnno, but so many parents just really think
their kids aren't harmed by growing up in an alcoholic dynamic. Not true.

guava

One of the things that helped me make my decision to separate was talking at Alanon meetings and reading on here about how ACOA were able to understand and forgive their alcoholic parent's actions but had a more difficult time forgiving their sober parent's inaction. (Action/inaction is apparently my theme for today!)

I guess it's easier to understand that someone with an addiction/disease may make bad decisions but what would have been my excuse?

NWGRITS

That's very true, guava. Forgiving my AM was the easy part. I'm still working on dealing with the anger and resentment towards the sober family members who were supposed to be protecting me.

maia1234

I tried and tried to keep my marriage "in tacked". My DD19 at the time said to me "Dad is never going to make you happy Mom". The kids are smarter then the parents.

Sorry, please don't stay together for the kids, they are much better by themselves then with a crazy alcoholic home.

johnno1

OK so yes I FINALLY get it my kids are affected
there i said it, it hurts like hell but my eyes are open
I needed to write this for those who may think their kids aren't.

After this post my son 8 has opened up a lot to me, my husband is away at the moment and it started when I said ohhh I wonder what dad's doing? He on a holiday, my son says he maybe in a shed somewhere (husband drinks in our shed) my 6 yr old says yea dad's always in the shed he never plays with me ,
Son has asked me lots and lots of questions about fizzy drink as I don't let them drink it, asked about alcohol, what drunk means, is sugar in it like fizzy, he asked me if I'm scared when dad's in shed because he is only meant to have 8 t of sugar but dad has like 40 t I've see all the bottles.
He is quite aware how sugarr is bad for us so he's scared dad's having too much, he told me he's going to be like uncle cause he doesn't smoke or drink beer....etc etc
I know he's quite confused with all the sugar talk, but I'm sure he's just trying to work it all out don't you think?
he said promise me you won't tell dad, but he let me have a sip of beer and I spat it out it was so gross,
I'm so angry right now so angry.

LexieCat

I'd be very, very clear with your kids that the problem with alcohol isn't the sugar. Honesty is important, and you don't want them thinking that drinking is like sneaking a soda or candy bar. Alcohol affects the way someone thinks and behaves.

You can also start explaining to them that some people have an illness that causes them to drink more than is good for them, even when they don't want to. You might want to have a counselor at their school help out with this. Kids need to be reassured that it isn't their fault. There are also Alateen/Alakid groups where they can talk about stuff with kids their own age.

Refiner

Oooops well there ya go. WOW. He's giving them a "sugar talk" and even sips of his beer? Time to protect those kiddos.

johnno1

Yes is it thanks so much for le support ����������

PHIZ007

Strength support and hope heading your way.

My AH was away for work this week. Last night DD Miss 8, the youngest of my three....was asked by AH ( when he was drunk).... Did you miss Me when I was away?
........DD replied 'No Daddy I didn't, I like it when you are away as its peaceful and calm in the house'....and she added ' I am sure Mummy agrees too'......sad but so true.

OMG...that breaks my heart BUT she is 100% correct......and she didn't hear it from me.....

That's her own take on things.......I am moving forward with the separation but it is sooooooo damn hard.

Take care all the best Phiz