fallingshort

My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. I have never known him to be sober. When we met, he had just been arrested for a DWI and was drinking 10-15 beers a day depending on how much money he had. After 2 months of dating, he moved in with me and 2 months after that, I graduated from college and moved with him back to his hometown to a house his family owned on their ranch. At the height of his addiction, my husband was drinking 30 beers a day, we were constantly fighting and I actually considered leaving. With the support of his parents, my husband tried to get help through a MHMR facility that opened up in town, but after being turned away from a detox facility since he was not court ordered, he chose to detox on his own. At that time, he did not completely quit drinking, but he dropped to a six pack a day and I finally felt like the real him, the him I always knew he was, was finally with me. That is when we got married because he assured me that he could control himself and not get drunk every day. As I'm sure y'all know, he wasn't able to control it. Since his halfway detox a year and a half ago, he started drinking up to 10 beers a day and getting drunk on the weekends.
He came to me over a week ago and told me he was ready to get sober, he couldn't control his alcoholism on his own. To be honest, I was shocked. This came out of the blue for me, but he said he had been considering it for awhile. Today he got out of detox and I was able to talk to him. He sounded good, but anxious. He was positive about the treatment programs he will receive and was excited to get better. I wanted to join an online forum to help prepare myself for his return so that I can best help him get through what I know will be a difficult transition coming home. We live next to his parents who were supportive of his seeking treatment, however, his dad is also an alcoholic. My husband craves his father's approval and even asked me today if his dad was mad that he wasn't here helping with projects they were working on. Up until tonight when I spoke with his parents after I got off the phone with him, I believed they understood that the treatments offered at rehab facilities is what he needed. Tonight, they (mainly his father) began to question what kind of issues he thinks he has and why he needed psychiatric assistance to conquer his demons. I was honestly upset because while they don't know all of the darkness inside my husband, they know enough that I would think they would understand his need to learn to cope.
To get to my point, I was wondering if it would be a good idea to mention to my husband what his dad said tonight. I don't know if telling him now so he can talk to his psychiatrist about it would be best, or do I keep my nose out of it and see what happens when he gets home in 30 days?

honeypig

Welcome, fallingshort. I'm glad you found us here, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for. There is a thread in the stickies at the top of this page that might be a good place for you to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

A lot of what we learn about addictions and how to deal w/our addicted friends/family seems counterintuitive--it's not what we'd normally think we should do. However, we're not dealing with a "normal" situation or with "normal" people (the addict OR ourselves!).

Another thing we learn pretty early on is that the A's recovery is just that--THEIRS. We need to keep out of it. But it's not like there's nothing for us to do; we can work on our OWN recovery.

I hope you can spend some time reading around this forum. There is a lot of shared experience, strength and hope here. Everybody here "gets it" and has stood in your shoes.

I wish you strength and clarity. Hope you keep coming back.

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and when my mom found out that I had a drinking problem she was scared I would think it was her fault. Because she is also an alcoholic. I am lucky though, even though she still chooses to drink, we both understand each other a lot better and I am way less judgemental about her.

Personally I think you should stay out of it. Your husband needs to focus on himself and staying sober, especially in early sobriety. But that is just my opinion.

redatlanta

Sometimes parents take it personally when their kids have issues. To the point that they will get in the way of treatment to prove they were and are "good" parents.

I wouldn't say anything. If husband is dedicated to getting help nothing anyone says should matter including Dad.

amberly

Hugs Falling Short,

I have had my in-laws ask many questions that sound like they may be similar. I used to try to facilitate for my AH and his parents. Now, my go-to answer is to suggest to his parents that they discuss their questions and concerns with AH directly. I learned that I cannot answer for him and , no matter how much I tried to be a buffer, their words would get to him anyway. And, frankly, I have enough drama going on without getting in the middle of all that. I hope things work out and your AH comes home stronger and healthier.

CodeJob

Hello Falling short!

Welcome to SR!

One book we consistently recommend is Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. This book will help you piece through how you respond to others. From what you write, you may also recognize your H a bit. It could be he too behaves quite "codependently" in his relationship with his parents.

You may also like to read about Karpman Drama Triangles. They describe and show very clearly In diagrams how well worn arguments and behaviors are roles we play in relationships. You may piece out how his parents are in this with you...

I would not be the conduit for parental doubt to your H while he is in treatment. Speak only what you think is appropriate as a spouse and partner. It sounds like your H went I to treatment on his own accord and that is a hopeful thing. Read all over on this site...

Glad you started a thread!