He said all the right heartfelt things
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
He asked if I was sure that happened and if so when. I was a little agitated by that question and told him I have the exact day on the calendar that it happened, it just did.
Something that always curbed my behavior is a thing I kept returning to, the idea that a classic hallmark of codependency is to always look for healing from the people that hurt us. We "always look for healing from the people that hurt us" and are disappointed and further traumatized when we don't get what we need to move on and have closure. We have to give ourselves closure, and to me, that's near impossible if you're stuck in a debate over whether or not the rape happened and whether it was "that bad" or whatever his reasoning now and in the future is.
It's one thing to say don't go to the hardware store for bread, it's another thing to say that the person that raped you is incapable of understanding why the boundaries he crossed were sacred to you and why it hurts you so badly and why you can't just let it go and move on, which would be so convenient for him. He's incapable of understanding this stuff, or he wouldn't have done it to you in the first place, drunk or not. Don't talk to him about this, he will undermine your memory to come out on top.
I was raped when I was young, and the "did it really happen" and "was it that bad really" questions that followed when I tried to talk about it with my family were almost as bad -- maybe worse -- as the event itself. I'm sorry if I'm being very intense about this, but it's a classic manipulation tactic that he's pulling and it's wrong.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh Katchie, I am sorry you are struggling. My X was all nicey nice too when he thought there was any chance. Things changed. I don't know if your AH will be that way, but that is definitely how it rolled for us.
Tight, tight hugs to you.
XXX
Tight, tight hugs to you.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
" He doesn't remember. He asked if I was sure that happened."
This is him not only not taking responsibility for what he did but minimizing it. Not acceptable.
He is in rehab and questioning your memory. Really??????
You deserve so much more.
This is him not only not taking responsibility for what he did but minimizing it. Not acceptable.
He is in rehab and questioning your memory. Really??????
You deserve so much more.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
^^^ Exactly.
This is what actually concerns me the most about the mental illness and brain degeneration that happens as alcoholism progresses. Seeming ok and being mentally stable are two very different things.
If he/she was not safe to live with, that isn't going to change overnight. Without active lifelong treatment, it will get worse. I hope it didn't come across that I was minimizing this. I've known people with Alzheimer’s who were unpredictable and became violent. Sometimes when the person with alcoholism seems normal or the person they used to be it can be confusing. Only they can determine if they're going to recover and there are no quick solutions or answers for them. It's a lot of long-term active work.
Take good care of yourself, Katchie. No matter what happens, you seem to be doing very well with your recovery. How do you feel about where you are? Have you been finding ways to have fun, smile and enjoy life lately?
This is what actually concerns me the most about the mental illness and brain degeneration that happens as alcoholism progresses. Seeming ok and being mentally stable are two very different things.
If he/she was not safe to live with, that isn't going to change overnight. Without active lifelong treatment, it will get worse. I hope it didn't come across that I was minimizing this. I've known people with Alzheimer’s who were unpredictable and became violent. Sometimes when the person with alcoholism seems normal or the person they used to be it can be confusing. Only they can determine if they're going to recover and there are no quick solutions or answers for them. It's a lot of long-term active work.
Take good care of yourself, Katchie. No matter what happens, you seem to be doing very well with your recovery. How do you feel about where you are? Have you been finding ways to have fun, smile and enjoy life lately?
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Katchie 
Is this normal? If i never had to hear his voice again, or see him again I would stay strong. I still stuck to my guns but it felt awful. He says everything is mine, he wants nothing. He was too nice, said the right things, cried, etc.
Notice how after a bender, we make you feel worse than we do. We put you thru all this crap and you feel worse than we do. You can't unhear, unsee, or unfeel what has happened.
You are looking after yourself and please always put yourself first. Stay strong you know we are all behind you
.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
^^^ Exactly.
This is what actually concerns me the most about the mental illness and brain degeneration that happens as alcoholism progresses. Seeming ok and being mentally stable are two very different things.
If he/she was not safe to live with, that isn't going to change overnight. Without active lifelong treatment, it will get worse. I hope it didn't come across that I was minimizing this. I've known people with Alzheimer’s who were unpredictable and became violent. Sometimes when the person with alcoholism seems normal or the person they used to be it can be confusing. Only they can determine if they're going to recover and there are no quick solutions or answers for them. It's a lot of long-term active work.
Take good care of yourself, Katchie. No matter what happens, you seem to be doing very well with your recovery. How do you feel about where you are? Have you been finding ways to have fun, smile and enjoy life lately?
This is what actually concerns me the most about the mental illness and brain degeneration that happens as alcoholism progresses. Seeming ok and being mentally stable are two very different things.
If he/she was not safe to live with, that isn't going to change overnight. Without active lifelong treatment, it will get worse. I hope it didn't come across that I was minimizing this. I've known people with Alzheimer’s who were unpredictable and became violent. Sometimes when the person with alcoholism seems normal or the person they used to be it can be confusing. Only they can determine if they're going to recover and there are no quick solutions or answers for them. It's a lot of long-term active work.
Take good care of yourself, Katchie. No matter what happens, you seem to be doing very well with your recovery. How do you feel about where you are? Have you been finding ways to have fun, smile and enjoy life lately?
I am enjoying life and its nice! I have new friends thru CR and I love them to pieces. I've lost 12 pounds w/o even trying! My skin is clearing up. My hair isn't as thin as it was. I feel healthier and look healthier than I have been in years!! After telling him I wanted a divorce, Im actually sleeping a little better too.
He called me yesterday morning. I was ok with it. I didn't get upset. It was all very matter-of-fact and the conversation for the most part stayed on the boys. And I felt ok about it. We did talk about the divorce a little and he said he wants me to have our home and he will do whatever it takes to make sure I have it and can afford it. He begged me not to move to my grandmothers because that side of town isn't what it use to be. I'm a little torn about that right now. I will be seeing my lawyer about this.
But all in all..the conversation was good. I have no regrets so far. I felt a calm detachment as if I had been speaking to someone that had been just a roommate. I don't know if that's good or bad, but when I really think about it, I've been of that mindset for a long time but had been so paralyzed to do anything to improve my situation. I hope all of that made sense.
I've realized that I'm not as ugly as I've felt over the years. The healthier I get the more I realize others interested in me. I'm not interested back at this time, but it helps me see that life doesn't stop and one day I'll find that special person that loves me the way I should have been loved the last 22 years -- especially the last 12. That gives me hope.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Katchie,
I just want you to know that I am praying for you. Too many tears you have cried, and too many hurts.
I am praying for you to have peace and that God keeps you steadfast. If this is His Will for your life, then I pray he gives you the strength to see it through.
So many hugs right now
I just want you to know that I am praying for you. Too many tears you have cried, and too many hurts.
I am praying for you to have peace and that God keeps you steadfast. If this is His Will for your life, then I pray he gives you the strength to see it through.
So many hugs right now
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