Evolution
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Evolution
I couldn't sleep the other night (increasingly a problem for me as leaving becomes more and more possible), and I started reflecting back on my recovery journey, and how far I've come. You know the old saying..."don't beat yourself up over how far you have to go; celebrate how far you've come." It was uncomfortable and upsetting at first, but I tried very hard to be 100% honest with myself about how my attitudes and feelings have changed. It was uncomfortable and upsetting, because it's hard for me to look back at the way I was without a lot of anger at myself.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--I love him, and it would kill me to see him with someone else. Also, what would it say about me that he didn't love me enough to even be nice to me, but could have a relationship with someone else?
The "in recovery" me: Best of luck to AH to find someone with whom he can be happy. His actions in any relationship are not a reflection on me at all. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--it would mean a SECOND divorce, and intelligent, loving, educated, not-crazy people like me don't get divorced TWICE.
The "in recovery" me: Getting divorced again does not reflect on who I am inside, nor does it define me. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--he will find out about some of my financial stuff, and then use it against me and/or humiliate me with it.
The "in recovery" me: The financial stuff is what it is. It only has the power that I allow it to have. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--he will do substantial damage to our son emotionally if he co-parents him on his own. If I stay, I can run interference and minimize that damage.
The "in recovery" me: This man is seriously damaging the psyches of all three of my children, and has never made any effort to form relationships with my daughters. I will be much better able to counteract and handle any emotional damage to our son if I am in a healthy environment. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--he has sacrificed a lot over the past several years, and I owe it to him to hang in there so he isn't separated from his son.
The "in recovery" me: I don't owe this man anything, and I certainly don't owe it to anybody to "hang in there" in a relationship that involves some pretty horrible periodic emotional abuse. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--I don't bring home enough money, after payments to my ex-husband, to support myself and all three children.
The "in recovery" me: I have waited for some payments to my ex-husband to end, and made some other life adjustments, and can now squeak by on my own even if my AH fails to pay child support. Furthermore, I would rather be in a teeny apartment, safe and sane with safe and sane children, than continuing in this ridiculousness. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--I do not have the money to actually get my own place and move, and every time I make any progress at all something else gets in the way.
The "in recovery" me: I have to just keep working on this and trust in my HP that things will happen in the best way possible for myself and the kids. But...GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
That last one remains a sticking point for me, both logistically and emotionally. But man...I have come so far!
The old me: I cannot leave this man--I love him, and it would kill me to see him with someone else. Also, what would it say about me that he didn't love me enough to even be nice to me, but could have a relationship with someone else?
The "in recovery" me: Best of luck to AH to find someone with whom he can be happy. His actions in any relationship are not a reflection on me at all. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--it would mean a SECOND divorce, and intelligent, loving, educated, not-crazy people like me don't get divorced TWICE.
The "in recovery" me: Getting divorced again does not reflect on who I am inside, nor does it define me. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--he will find out about some of my financial stuff, and then use it against me and/or humiliate me with it.
The "in recovery" me: The financial stuff is what it is. It only has the power that I allow it to have. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--he will do substantial damage to our son emotionally if he co-parents him on his own. If I stay, I can run interference and minimize that damage.
The "in recovery" me: This man is seriously damaging the psyches of all three of my children, and has never made any effort to form relationships with my daughters. I will be much better able to counteract and handle any emotional damage to our son if I am in a healthy environment. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--he has sacrificed a lot over the past several years, and I owe it to him to hang in there so he isn't separated from his son.
The "in recovery" me: I don't owe this man anything, and I certainly don't owe it to anybody to "hang in there" in a relationship that involves some pretty horrible periodic emotional abuse. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--I don't bring home enough money, after payments to my ex-husband, to support myself and all three children.
The "in recovery" me: I have waited for some payments to my ex-husband to end, and made some other life adjustments, and can now squeak by on my own even if my AH fails to pay child support. Furthermore, I would rather be in a teeny apartment, safe and sane with safe and sane children, than continuing in this ridiculousness. Get me the hell out of here.
The old me: I cannot leave this man--I do not have the money to actually get my own place and move, and every time I make any progress at all something else gets in the way.
The "in recovery" me: I have to just keep working on this and trust in my HP that things will happen in the best way possible for myself and the kids. But...GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
That last one remains a sticking point for me, both logistically and emotionally. But man...I have come so far!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, I remember going through those same thought process when I left my second husband--including the "divorced twice" and "making payments to the ex" (I paid child support to my first husband up until recently--we worked out an arrangement for temporary deferral while I was moving after leaving #2, after which I repaid him in full with interest for the deferred payments).
Have you looked into possibly sharing a home with another single-parent family? Something will come along if you keep your eyes and ears open.
Have you looked into possibly sharing a home with another single-parent family? Something will come along if you keep your eyes and ears open.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
Thanks for posting this! I can relate to many of your old you points. Trying to switch the thought process over is tough. Hoping someday I will be at your point. Good luck working through the last one. You have come along ways.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Evolution of healing is not a straight path, but it can be a really good journey! 
Going no contact with my mom and dad has made the biggest difference for me.
I love getting to look back and seeing more clearly how far my recovery has come. More to be revealed is no longer a scary phrase.
Going no contact with my mom and dad has made the biggest difference for me.
I love getting to look back and seeing more clearly how far my recovery has come. More to be revealed is no longer a scary phrase.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Wisconsin))
I remember watching you walk this journey - the courage, strength & wisdom you developed along this path was amazing & inspiring -
Thank you for sharing with us - it encourages me to continue on a healthy path.
BIG PINK HUGS my friend
I remember watching you walk this journey - the courage, strength & wisdom you developed along this path was amazing & inspiring -
Thank you for sharing with us - it encourages me to continue on a healthy path.
BIG PINK HUGS my friend
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
What a fantastic post. Thanks for sharing.
Speaking as an alcoholic in recovery, sober now for nearly 3.5 years, I'd like to add that THIS is what recovery does. Anyone who has a alcoholic who is sober but while knuckling and still making your and their own life miserable can learn so much from your illustration. This is why it is selling sobriety short to just stop drinking and not work on our alcoholic perspectives. Sober isnt enough really.
Anyway. Lovely to see that summary of your before and after recovery from the other side of the fence. Beautiful. Truly beautiful.
BB
Speaking as an alcoholic in recovery, sober now for nearly 3.5 years, I'd like to add that THIS is what recovery does. Anyone who has a alcoholic who is sober but while knuckling and still making your and their own life miserable can learn so much from your illustration. This is why it is selling sobriety short to just stop drinking and not work on our alcoholic perspectives. Sober isnt enough really.
Anyway. Lovely to see that summary of your before and after recovery from the other side of the fence. Beautiful. Truly beautiful.
BB
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That's pretty much the process I went through with second husband (without, thankfully, the complication of having a child in common with him). SO many of those obstacles that seem so insurmountable are nothing more than the products of our own sick thinking.
I especially loved "Get me the hell out!" It reminds me of a little saying I found in a Hugh Prather book (very trendy when I was in college): "If the situation is killing you--get the hell out!" I wrote it down and kept it where I could see it for a long time. It has come in handy at several points in my life--and not just in my relationships with alcoholics.
I especially loved "Get me the hell out!" It reminds me of a little saying I found in a Hugh Prather book (very trendy when I was in college): "If the situation is killing you--get the hell out!" I wrote it down and kept it where I could see it for a long time. It has come in handy at several points in my life--and not just in my relationships with alcoholics.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
