Blossom717

So I announced last week that I am in the process of purchasing a house for DD and I

While she goes to her dads every other weekend, I have been seeing someone. I think I've talked about him on here before, he lives with his mom like i do, has an almost 3 year old son (dd is 3) and he has some history dealing with As - his mom is an alcoholic.

Anyway - we have both talked about wanting to move out on our own and such, and have discussed the possibilities of a future together. But he has assumed he will be moving in when I get the house! When I was telling him about things I wanted to do to the house he turned it into "we" could do this or that....with the best of intentions but no.

He is a sweet guy, calm and level headed so far. I really need to gently set a boundary with him though. I am fine with him coming up on the nights that I don't have little blossom, but for now she and I really need to get ourselves established before one more big change. how do I word this without seeming like a total butt? (and yes, if he gets mad about me wanting my own space, I understand that is his problem not mine.) But I don't want him to get upset by thinking I don't want a future with him....I just don't want an immediate one with anyone.

biminiblue

say it just like that^^




Then let go of controlling his reaction. You may be surprised. I think it is a very good, healthy boundary.

SparkleKitty

If, as a father himself, he can't understand your need to establish a "safe place" for JUST you and your daughter, then that is a giant red flag right there, Blossom!

Ursula745

I would word it just like you did here. Seems very kind and reasonable to me.

jjj111

Since I broke up with my AXBF, I've been thinking a lot about boundaries and red flags. One red flag that I've realized is a real issue for me is moving too quickly in a relationship. It's one of the ways that I have repeatedly managed to miss signs that a boyfriend wasn't healthy and able to be a good partner. As for your current situation, it sounds like you know the answer. It should be enough to explain to him what's right for you. Managing how he takes the news is not your responsibility, and probably not even possible.

Sungrl

Ditto on that, just how you worded it for us.

That is tough because he doesn't have his own place to call home.

He may very well want to be around more then you are comfortable with.
The "we" stuff kinda raises that flag.

None of my business and out of curiosity, why does he still live with Mom?

Blossom717

Thank you! I know that in a healthy relationship there should be understanding. But I haven't experienced that before. I am hoping he has a healthy reaction, but I'm comfortable enough that if he can't understand that, then I don't have (or want) to be involved with someone who can't respect my decisions.

I'm just scared to take that first step with a boundary..

biminiblue

..or you could always stomp your feet and say, "MINE."

I am very protective of my condo and who I allow to spend time here with me. I consider it my sanctuary.

I agree that the "we" thing set my spidey senses tingling. Maybe - maybe? He just wants to help you do stuff around the house. If you haven't had the conversation about him moving in, maybe he isn't even thinking that - but until the conversation is had - no way to know.

Mind reading isn't my strong suit.

jjj111

Maybe just next time he starts in on the "we"s, say "hey, I just want to make sure we're on the same page here," and then tell him what you've told us.

Blossom717

Sungrl - He lives with his mom I guess because of financial reasons - like me. I don't really see him making steps to change it other than to come live with me which raises a flag to me...on the other hand, I understand that he sees it as having two incomes in a household is easier than on your own but I don't want us to live together because of financial reasons.

SparkleKitty

Boundary reinforcement is very empowering, Blossom! Very hard the first few (or several, maybe...) times, but it gets easier!

I know that when I first started seeing my husband, I tended to assign possible reactions to him as if he were my XABF, or even my A Mom. I often needed to remind myself that I was not dealing with an addict and that I not only didn't need to walk on eggshells, but if I ever DID find myself tempted to do that, it was a big neon sign that one of us was not ready for a healthy relationship!

biminiblue

Let me just say...first, you haven't had the conversation, so future tripping.

Second, just my opinion - I think a lot more months need to go by before "moving in" is an option if you are having trouble even having the conversation.

C. - In my state, once someone moves into your house you have a really hard time making them leave; even if you are the homeowner, formal eviction may be needed. That takes months. I wouldn't hitch my stars to any man in that way unless I had a couple years under my belt with him - without red flags. Especially with my history of picking winners.

Blossom717

biminiblue - We've talked about the possiblilty in the future of living together, but we never gave a time line lol. I have been saying stuff like "sure, when you come visit when I don't have DD..." and such, trying to gently reinforce that. He will say things like well, we move, I'll be over and hour away from DS while he is with his mom...

I am also getting a little over protective because he put some of his thoughts into my ideas for the house...even if they are positive I seem to take offense which is my issue i know. I do recall at one point, when I said something about a treadmill in my room and he didn't favor it, I said "well, its MY house so I will do what I want!" (enter toddler mode)

He's offered to paint for me and such, which is really sweet. I guess I am future tripping a little. I'm good at that!

SparkleKitty

This is sounding a little pushy to my ears. I would lay off the "gentle" reminders and go ahead and Have the Talk.

biminiblue

ladyscribbler

You are having a normal reaction to red flag behavior. He's moving too fast, assuming that you're going to be his ticket out of his mom's house. He's still living with his alcoholic mother as an adult, he might not have well-developed boundaries or understand how a normal adult relationship works either.
I noticed that I tended to attract 2 types of guys- "fixer-uppers" and clingons. You might have found yourself a clingon.
Tell him he's not moving in with you right now and check his reaction. If he gets pouty and needy or tries on a guilt trip, you know he's not the right guy for you.

Blossom717

Ladyscribbler - he may be a clingon! I hope not, but at least I know it won't be the end of the world if he is! I will surely be gauging his reaction when we have the talk...

FireSprite

I never have a problem with the "...just so I can be sure I'm being clear I want to discuss ______ & make sure we're on the same page about it."

If it helps blame it on the past - "I've had problems with miscommunication before & I'm trying to be sure I'm being clear about this."

I'm with Sparkle - sounds very pushy to me too.

If he has a history of dealing with A's then he may have a history with codependency & bad behaviors too. Tread lightly Blossom, the last thing you want is to jump into a double-Codie relationship, lol.

Blossom717

I am for sure trying to avoid any king of codie relationship - one sided or double! I'm terrified of anything that feels like a confrontation...i am hoping we end up on the same page.

FireSprite

And if not? Good to know NOW, early in the relationship, so you can decide how much of yourself you want to invest in this person & building a life together.

You are SO YOUNG Blossom; don't settle for anything less than what you deserve!