involved

I started a thread the other day asking how to talk to an alcoholic. Thank you everyone for the responses. I just found this article again http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html and i guess my question was finally answered. I did not live with this man. It was a long distance relationship. We are 2500 miles apart. I did have some moments of clarity where I realised what was happening but having isolated myself and going thru the denial part of greiving, I always broke and got sucked back in. Some of the replies in that article make the point that this emotional abuse is seperate from alcoholism. I never realised this. I also find that the "with love" part of detatching can be a spiderweb for me. I hope it is finally over. I hope the healing can now begin. I keep trying to rationalize and understand because thats how my obsessive codependent brain works. But I know that it is his sickness and i need to fix me...not him. Well I know that right now..tomorrow may be different.

knowthetriggers

Tight ((hugs)) Involved!

I was emotionally abused over a period of 4 years by my first "real love". It was very painful and I am so sorry you are hurting.

Take it day by day my friend. Don't expect to heal overnight, give yourself sometime.

biminiblue

Yes, abuse and addiction are two separate things. Some addicts are not abusive to others. Some abusers are not addicts. In my opinion, either one of them is a dealbreaker in and of themselves. The two in combo is a frightening place. The best thing is to go full-on "No Contact." No matter what. One does not hope it is over, one makes a decision that it is over.


Detaching with love means (to me) that I detach but wish no ill will on him/her.


Forgiving is something I do for me, so that I am not burdened by the searing pain of anger and resentment.

In order to detach with love, I pray for the person to find happiness, peace, and a successful life. I might have to do that over and over for a while, but it is easier on me than wishing bad things for him/her. Then I can let it go, knowing that I have sent out goodness and not vitriol. It works.

involved

Thank yoi Bimini...yes forgiveness. Doesnt mean that what he did was ok. It means that I let go of it and take back my power. Learning there was a seperation of the abuse and the ism has been a huge release. And even bigger is acknowledging and accepting I was his "target" not a person. It is his self loathing....and I am free his punishing me to make himself feel better. I can now stop tormenting myself...looking for the answer that fits. I finally feel like I have closure. Also remembering that the universe has a plan and I need to get out of the way, is helpful. I spoke to someone today (after I posted this) who was also one of his targets, and that helped me to see the abuser for who he is. That has given so much relief! I am not alone! Other people know!!! I dont hate...him. But more importantly, I dont care anymore either! I am free! And can start the healing process.

fluffyflea

Yes Abuse is separate from Alcoholism. Not all alcoholics are abusers.....

cookiesncream

Ditto to what everyone else has said. Sorry but as someone in recovery this is a bit of a touchy subject for me. Alcohol does not make somebody become abusive. I saw more than one occasion while going through outpatient rehab where it was clear that the s/o who was not chemically dependent was abusive. We also had sessions on anger management and I can tell you that if people were truthful (I have no idea of knowing) that a good half did not lash out at people. If alcohol made people abusive everyone's hand should have gone up. That said I know you were just sharing and I'm glad you have come to some peace and some closure.

Best wishes as you continue your own journey of recovery.

peace,

Cookies

HopefulElle

There is a good book on abusers called "Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." (I'm not sure why it is only about men. It was written by one too.) Anyway, it really helped me to see how my xabf's abuse was a completely separate issue to his alcoholism. Also, the author says that women who are abused are victims and not necessarily codependents. It was helpful and important for me to disentangle what was abusive behavior and what was his just being a drunk. I think it was easier for me to see I couldn't change the abuser than to accept I couldn't help the alcoholic.