FireSprite

Things are going well here folks & while I don't want to jinx it by posting (damn superstitions) I thought this latest development was worth sharing.

If anyone remembers, RAH had a complete meltdown just after New Year's resulting in him sounding off on his mother for years of neglect & BS. That turned into her ignoring him until she fabricated an emergency related to his step-dad in order to manipulate her way back into RAH's life without having to acknowledge his previous conversation/accusations.

While we don't believe she ultimately expected him to accept her offer to buy RAH a plane ticket to be there for his dad's surgery (cataracts, nothing as severe as she made it out to be) he DID take her up on the offer & is flying out tomorrow morning.

At first I was shocked - "WHY?", I wanted to know.

He simply said, she can't dismiss me when I'm standing in front of her the way she is doing via text/phone. She can't ignore me or pretend it away. She HAS to answer me or the air will be heavy & silent.

He'll be there a little more than 4 days total & will also see his bio-brother & 2 step-bros. It is sounding like it may turn into a showdown in some ways; his older step-bro had had enough years ago & had been pretty much NC with the parents. He & RAH are close (RAH will be staying with him) & on the same page about the things that have happened in this family in the past.

It will help RAH to have someone on "his side" but his history & issues with his mom go back way further than this 2nd marriage, so he's going to need to stay strong to make it through it all. His Bio brother has been drinking the Kool-Aid for years & is not likely to understand any of what RAH has to say.

We talked a lot about expectations going into something like this, I stressed that he has to be sure he is doing this FOR HIM & not to get attached to an outcome/result. He agreed that she is more likely to write him off for the rest of his life than to see the need to change or to put the effort into it at all, but feels that either way he'll get to a better place with all of this emotionally by the end of it.



I'm trying SO HARD to stay over here; cleaning, stripping, repainting my side of the street. I have a lot of hatred for this woman & I'm doing my best to resolve that for me & not give RAH my opinion on anything, waiting instead to just listen when he needs to talk. DD & I have had many discussions about all of this too - she can tell he has been heavy-hearted the last few weeks & wants to know, "What's up with Dad?"

His energy is heavy. He's literally CARRYING this around, has hit a couple of extra meetings this week & still seems really anxious about this....... I am too for that matter. While I know nothing will change overnight I am praying that this gives him what he needs to start healing & moving forward.

The money thing I going way better too - we've not overdrafted once since he's been put in charge (imagine that!) & I'm getting better about not getting caught up in the little crap when he does make a decision differently than I would. He's getting a little better at hearing me when I talk to him about this stuff vs. feeling judged.

Last week he underpaid a bill by $5 instead of OVERpaying it by that amount like he thought he was (attn to detail) and when the reminder notification came in about the balance due to avoid fees I paid it since I had the debit card that day. Next thing I knew, I had a text from him saying "thank you" because he'd gotten notified that I paid it. Wow. He's never acknowledged anything like that, but I guess now that he sees how it is on the other side, his appreciation is changing?

I'm alone with DD for 4+ days starting tomorrow. She has a performance tomorrow night & we will have a mother-daughter date night on Friday, I'm taking her out for a big dinner & a movie. One of my BFF's is spending the night Saturday & we are doing Girls Night In - margaritas & apps for us, pizza & slushies for the kiddos... face masks, Just Dance, ice cream sundaes, etc for ALL of us. I can't wait!

hopeful4

Well my goodness FS, this is all wonderful. I hope this allows him to have his say and release the burden of carrying all of that hurt and anger around. I am super impressed!

Have a wonderful time with your DD! Sounds like you have some good times coming up, that's wonderful. My girls have been stressed so last night we made home made bath bombs, trying to make them like the fancy ones you buy as Lush. It was something we could all do together and it was fun!

Have a great few days my friend!
XXX

cookiesncream

As somebody else in recovery I say good job I'm proud of your husband. I think this is a major step forward. Personally I know that "thinking through the drink" about eight million times this past year there has been a lot of legitimate anger and resentment I have felt towards various people and I was too much of a coward to speak up for myself. I'd say in large part it was a lot of this kind of stuff, my failure to set boundaries, that led to my addiction in the first place. Its tough because when we first get sober everyone and their brother is angry with us. We have to own a lot of stuff and eat a lot of crow. There does reach a point however where we have to ask ourselves, despite my past misdeeds, have I EARNED my right to be treated with dignity and respect? I think part of the healing process with addiction comes with forgiving ourselves and in part that means allowing ourselves to feel anger and frustration. Without the crutch of alcohol we are led to dealing with this stuff. I remember in IOP people would say the down sides of quitting was having to deal with life on life's terms. I'm very much at the same point your husband is. Confronting others is HARD. Deciding to no longer play doormat is huge and some major cyber strength is coming your husbands way. I know that its easy to paint all alcoholics is selfish, immature, cruel, and irresponsible. There are some of us however that in our own screwed up way were just trying to cope and are genuinely committed to recovery, making amends, and becoming loving, responsible, and giving people.

Peace,

Cookies

LemonGirl

Wow! Great news on all fronts! I remember both posts about handing over the financial reigns and the one about your MIL.
All I can say is good job for staying on your side of the street! Just remember to breathe... Both of you.

thotful

Cool - I'm wishing your husband the best of luck. Standing up to abusive behavior when we've spent years pretending/tolerating it is definitely difficult. It can be scary, and it's very likely the response will be negative. However, finding our voice and speaking it out loud can be liberating. It was for me. Many of the people in my life that I called out for abuse can't acknowledge it, turn their backs from me, come up with all kinds of excuses, etc. But, to finally say that I'm taking charge of taking care of the "little me" inside that's tired of being hurt? awesome. I carry my head high. I walk a different gait. I can't control them, but I definitely control my two feet. Walking away from abuse? Feels great.

People have seen it in me. It is a strength within me that was LOST for a very long time.

I truly wish you both the best!
(when will this happen? will you provide an update?)

Stung

Big high five to you for making plans to have a fun weekend with your DD and your friends while your RAH is attempting to I guess alleviate his own stress and anxiety, although his plans sound counter-intuitive to me he's the only one that knows what direction his higher power is guiding him in. I hope that he has an enjoyable time with his step brother and family. Trying to get anything out in the open with a super toxic mom (that would lie about her own husband's health to get your RAH there in the first place!)…that just sounds like a whole lot of stress and drama. Sending you all lots of hugs and positive energy!

FireSprite

I appreciate your POV on this Cookies. I know that RAH has buried his emotions for his entire lifetime as far his mother issues go - and once he finally ripped the Band-Aid off the wound, it's like it won't stop oozing. This has been occupying him day-in & day-out since the day he finally came to this awareness/acceptance.

He spent a lot of years convincing himself that he wasn't *that* damaged but that's partly due to her ways. I mean it in all sincerity when I say this woman is a MASTER at manipulation & gaslighting. When life gets complicated, she boxes herself into a corner or someone calls her on her crap she just re-writes a new script & starts over. New labels, new definitions, no accountability. She had already abandoned her 2 oldest children before marrying RAH's dad & having the boys.

I agree with you Stung, this is likely to end badly/frustrating for him. The sad part is that this round of lies re: step-dad's health is really minor compared to the things she's said & done in the past. I really think he just wants to look her in the eyes when he says the things he needs to say so that he can imprint it in his memory under "I did everything I could". She may be shaking in her boots anticipating this visit - after he agreed to go she dropped communication again.... not asking if he needed a ride from the airport (it's an hr away), where he would be staying, nothing. ???

thotful - he just landed about 10 mins ago & he's due home by the end of the weekend. I'll update, but I expect it to be fairly unexciting - lots of tears, blame shifting, self-victimization..... but very little change. I think the best case scenario here is that he just gets the relief of getting this off of his chest in front of the right audience.


*I* feel good today. I spent a lot of time cleaning & organizing while trying to stay on my side of the street so my house is neat & tidy & most of my chores & responsibilities are taken care of. DD is focused on tonight's event & after today I'm set up to relax & spoil myself. Haircut, pedicure, a new book, my yoga mat & some new meditations...... ah, heaven!

FireSprite

Well, his short trip went very quickly.... I was just getting used to my alone time when it was gone again. I did enjoy the time I had & he surprised us by claiming to miss his flight only to have a friend pick him up at the airport & walk in the door, on time, with big smiles & lots of hugs.

The update is that everything went as expected, which obviously doesn't surprise me but means that it was a hollow victory for RAH as well.... no real healing, but hopefully he'll be able to move on now knowing that they weren't going to provide him with that healing anyway.... it will come from him working his program honestly.

He did gather MIL, FIL & 2 out of 3 brothers so that they could all hear him at once instead of talking to anyone one-on-one. IDK why the 3rd brother wasn't there, but I know that they aren't at all close & he may not have even bothered letting him know he was in town. Bro #3 has been kind of isolated from the family for the last 15 yrs or so, RAH has probably only spoken to him once or twice over the last 10 years.

MIL did everything I said she would do - shift the blame, cry a fountain of tears, point the finger at everyone else, cry victim over & over & over again. His bio-brother's wife was there & got very agitated with RAH which he found entertaining. She's been in his brother's life for just a couple of years & since then his brother has gone from calling/texting daily to not being "allowed" to have his own phone/call without her permission. Some of the things he brought up were new to me - he's REALLY been digging deep with Recovering Eyes, I can't believe the crap he had buried away that came tumbling out. Lots of neglect, abandonment over & over, an entire childhood & much of his core identity build on a web of lies. No wonder he struggles so much with his sense of Self.

He said his bio-brother literally seems to dumb to understand any of what he said & while his step-bro spoke up here & there he was more interested in staying in the background & listening. On the way back to his house, step-bro said to him, "You know you're right about all of this, right? You do realize that, don't you? They'll never acknowledge it."

And that was it. For all the waterworks his mom put on about wanting him to be there, all the verbal garbage his dad laid on him about wanting to everyone to reconcile......they only saw him that one time & then called to make excuses as to why they couldn't see him again before he left. (& he still hasn't heard a word from them)

Like I expected, they didn't want part in anything that forces them to be accountable, and in the absence of any real apologies it sounds like his words were met with a lot of heavy silence in between the bouts of histrionics.

LexieCat

I'm glad he got some validation from his stepbrother. Hopefully he will have the peace of knowing he said what he needed to say.

cookiesncream

Well I'm proud of your hubbie that took a LOT to do. I'm at a similar point in my own recovery where I need to sit down, write down a lot of anger and resentments I have towards my mother and TELL her. I expect a similar response to what your hubbie got complete with tears and blame shifting. That said it took an incredible amount of courage for your hubbie to do. I hope this gives him some sort of closure knowing he did all he could do and let it go. I personally do think its easy to get "stuck" in recovery (and I'm at that point myself) when we don't work through this stuff. Good for him and he STAYED sober-whooo hooo!

hopeful4

I think this is good. It's an important lesson that he knows he has the strength to speak out, and that people don't change very often in the FOO situation. You are right, he will come to a place in his own healing that he does not need their validation. It's good he had his say. Sounds like he is making good progress. Glad you got to enjoy some time yourself!

XXX

NYCDoglvr

Yes, this is definitely his battle. I had to learn to stay out of my husband's way and let him decide how to handle his relatives.

chicory

Some people never see how 'sick' they are.

I am so happy for your hubby that he found his voice, called them on everything, and is healthy enough to let it go, no expectations.

I believe in doing stuff like that too Its good to stand up and speak up for the child in us that never could.

hugs,
chicory

thotful

I have to say, good for your husband! Sometimes I wonder if I turn into that little child again when trying to stand up to the abuse. For me, I realize now that most of my letters I wrote, e-mails, things that I said, were far more about GETTING my voice out. It was more for ME to hear then it was for them. Thinking it in my head, is WAYYY different than saying it OUT LOUD AND PROUD.

I also wonder another thing - even with what was "said" by the other individuals, there was something that they "heard". Unfortunately, with poor communication, you may never get to find out what was actually "heard" by his FOO members. Inside of themselves, the place they have hidden from your husband...what's in there? Sometimes people hear what we're saying, but are in so much denial, that it causes them pain to admit the reality of the other person's feelings. They are so out-of-touch with themselves that they cannot even understand what's going on within them. They might be feeling a lot of shame and guilt, but may never admit it.

I can't save my family from the whirlwind of pain/toxicity within them. But, I can save me.

For example, by figuring out EXACTLY what was NOT OK with me considering my family's behavior. By standing up and being articulate about it all, I wonder if I'm building a better sense of self. That even though my honesty and putting it out there may not result in a better relationship with my FOO, maybe...just maybe...I'm strengthening EVERY single other relationship I have or perhaps...WILL HAVE in the future. I now have a sense of what I want in a relationship. When I meet new people? My abuse radar is in full effect.

Example: I was in a flight the other day and sat next to a couple. They really intrigued me and I thought they were funny. THEN, I realized...wait, something feels funny here. It's like a part of me realized that my "moth to a flame" behavior was acting up. Some other part of me (the recovery side I think) said, ooh, these people are bad news. Notice how they responded to the flight attendant? See how they constantly grumble? Lo and behold, for the rest of the flight, they couldn't be happy - complaint after complaint after complaint. I can't change people, but I now have an internal compass at work to steer me away from crazy, away from abuse, and hopefully, directs me towards relationships that will serve me MUCH MUCH better. Relationships with love - with kindness - with respect.

Standing up to my FOO members was a way to define myself. My NEW friendships have been 1000 times better than my old ones. I SURROUND myself with love and support. and I get stronger.

My .02 cents. Good for your husband! I think it takes immense strength to stand up to people that have been abusive to you most of your life (the people you want MOST to be family to you). Especially if you walk into it KNOWING they will lash back with character attacks, shifting of blame, etc.

Good for him! Wishing him more recovery! I'm inspired!

P.S. My FOO members have been the same way. They couldn't handle it. Well, I'm living a better life because of it. In that sense, it was well worth it. If I can stand up to my family, I can stand up to anyone.

FireSprite

Thanks all, I am REALLY proud of him for addressing all of this & even more amazed that he seemed to stick to reasonable expectations & let go of the results.

I KNOW he's hurt & disappointed even though he was prepared for it - no amount of preparation stops you from actually feeling the pain. There's no getting around that part if you want to truly heal. I think for him, feeling so isolated & alone has always helped to keep him tied to their dysfunction - that thought process that some (albeit bad) family is better than No Family at all. (I'm the opposite - shared DNA doesn't raise my tolerance for a person.) He slept for hours in the middle of the day after arriving home - something he never does but that I'm sure he needed after all of that emotional purging. He was exhausted.

I have praised him for these efforts, and I want to hug that hurt little boy inside until he feels better, but I've been forcing myself to take a step back & give him some room. He isn't the type that responds well to constant praise & he doesn't need me to make it right for him, so I tried showing him support in other ways, like stocking up on some of his fave comfort foods.

The best part for me has been that it all seemed to make him come home with a new appreciation for his life & the people in it. I think seeing how they live, how they think & what they consider acceptable in life really made an impact. They live in a very remote area & in some ways it's like stepping into a world that time forgot. It's been 8-10 years since he was last there.

What's interesting is that I totally forgot this area where they live is actually a DRY county, so trying to drink would have been extremely difficult, especially with no vehicle. (Can you BELIEVE that even still exists in this country??)

Yet, before his plane even touched down, his bio-brother was texting him "Live bands at XYZ Bar in ABC County tonight!" & similar crap. RAH had fwd a couple of the texts to me & I was shaking my head..... wha???

This, he said, is how much they listen to me. I'm getting bombarded with this crap from my bro & I had to remind him that A. I DON'T DRINK.... THAT ISN'T JUST A PHASE I'M GOING THROUGH... and B. I'm here on a Mission & that's ALL I am interested in doing while I am here. That kind of set the tone for the entire visit.