Butterfly

DD (20) has been working all wkend very long hours and in the area where he lives, so he gave her a key told her to use his place and that today as she only had one 45 minute break he would make her her dinner

She went yesterday and he told her he was heading out but she could use the flat. She called later that night and he was partying with his mates so she left and sat in her car for her break.

She has just rang me as she called to his and he is still partying with his mates. She is so upset and angry, my heart broke, she doesn't understand she said to me I mean seriously the age of him and he's getting on like that. I said to her sweetheart your dad loves you but he's not able to prioritise anything except drink and nothing will come between him and alcohol, she said to me I know I'm not stupid but you'd think cos he hardly gets to see his kids that he wouldn't drink when he knows we are coming round!! I thought like that still do but how do I explain all this to her. I have tried so many times but she doesn't want to listen she says I'm counselling her when im only trying to help her understand his addiction. I only talk to her now when she brings it up.

honeypig

Would your daughter be amenable to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? Maybe she'd be able to take in the message that it's NOT about her, it's ONLY about him being an A, if that message came from someone who was not her mother.

I'm not a parent, could be way off course, but I know in my younger days I'd have listened to ANYONE before I'd have listened to my parents...

Hawkeye said a mouthful in that post below, for sure!

Hawkeye13

It isn't yours to explain it to her.

They are both adults, and their relationship is their own to develop, or not, at this point.

Step back and let his actions keep speaking--your kids know who is there for them and who isn't.

Butterfly

Honey pig I have suggested counselling, alanon everything. When I told her I was going to alanon she said that will just keep you attached to dad. I have left literature round the house so the kids can pick it up if they want. DS is more receptive to talking and knows not to count on his dad much.

Hawkeye I know your right and for the most part I try not to interfere and let the kids come to their own decisions it's just she's so angry and upset with him and I suppose I want to help her understand but I guess I can't she has to see it for herself. It's heart breaking and infuriating

Butterfly

[QUOTE=honeypig;5232561]Would your daughter be amenable to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? Maybe she'd be able to take in the message that it's NOT about her, it's ONLY about him being an A, if that message came from someone who was not her mother.

I'm not a parent, could be way off course, but I know in my younger days I'd have listened to ANYONE before I'd have listened to my parents...

I was exactly the same and so is she the amount of times I've told her things but she won't listen then a friend says the same and it's true lol

dandylion

Butterfly....In my experience...the first action should be to validate h er feelings FIRST....then offer a "answer", if you must.
People always want their feelings validated...they want to know that they (their feelings) are "heard"...that they are "seen".

Simply listening with great sympathy will suffice, if she is asking the unanswerable questions.
Simple statements...like..."I know it hurts you". "I understand how you feel" .
Sometimes, an explanation...offered "too" early, can dampen their willingness to talk freely about their feelings.

Kids don't usually like our answers about anything, anyway. Just knowing that they are validated (understood) and that we care enough to listen without judgement is all they really want from us......

dandylion

greeteachday

One of the things I learned when I stopped trying to fix things for my kids was just what Dandylion mentioned. Validation rather than the "fix" was what helped.

I also learned that my actions made a bigger impression than I realized when I was too busy telling her how to run her life. When I stopped giving unsolicited advice and started living what I preached, in time I found that she started trying new things because she saw the positive impact it had in my life. Hopefully as your daughter sees the positive impact meetings make for you, you'll have the same experience.

Butterfly

She is just home and I asked her if she is ok she said yes. I said you were upset on the phone she snapped saying I wasnt upset no need to turn it into something it isn't, very angrily. I've just left it thinking she doesn't want to deal with it or ignore it.

dandylion

LOL!....during the teen years, a question...even a simple question is viewed as an inquisition. How was your day?....and inquisition. What did you do?...an invasion....

I know that she is 20, but that is still a short way from the teens.

dandylion

Butterfly

Yeah I know even asking how she is is a reason to roll her eyes and snap. I think I will keep my mouth shut from now on lol

dandylion

Even when my children were small--before they were teenagers...I learned n ot to question them about ANYTHING when they returned from a weekend with their dad.
They hated it!!
What would happen after they returned....is that, slowly over the next week or two..they would volunteer information in bits and pieces.
I figure that they had to process their own feelings about the experience before they could express themselves.

dandylion

Butterfly

I try really hard not to question them all I say is everything ok and leave it at that. When DS stays over night I do text and ask if he's ok, although ex A has promised not to drink when he is with him, I don't trust him as far as I could throw him esp after DS told me he offered him a drink one night he stayed, he didn't take it. Ex A said he offered him a drink cos then he could have one!!!!

DS doesnt stay overnight very often

maia1234

B- All she wanted was to vent. We are their sounding board. No advice, shake your head and agree with her and don't say anything. It's hell being a Mom!!

You are a good Mom, she is reaching out to you when she is upset. I think they see and know more then she is letting on to you. She just doesn't want you to validate what she says.

When you step back and he starts hurting the kids, it hurts but you have to let it happen. Sorry !!

Butterfly

I know I just want to protect them from it all like I tried to do when he was at home, they still knew but at least I was a buffer when he was shouting or if he came home drunk and he went to bed they didn't see it. Saying that they knew more than I thought I thought I was protecting them but that they didn't see but they did and they heard. I think they knew I was lying when he was on a bender and I would say oh he's at your uncles or he's at a friends..

Butterfly

Oh and yes I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and just agree lol

maia1234

My dd22 told me today her dad told her to do some financial stuff. What he told her was crazy. she told me that one day he says one thing and the next day another. I told her to please talk to Me if she goes and does something Like that. She told me not to worry that is why she never did anything and didn't bother telling me.

He is trying to be a good dad, but has no clue. Very sad but the kids know. We can no longer buffer them from our reality. The ah have no idea that we protected them from our kids seeing what a mess they were for a very long time. Now both my kids see their dad as who he really is, a very sick man Without me being involved.

hopeful4

Ugh. It absolutely sucks to see your children be hurt. It's completely out of your control and it's like watching a train wreck you cannot take your eyes off of. When she is in the frame of mind to talk, be ready. She will reach out about it eventually. When she does you can encourage her, and listen to her. She knows who the support will come from.

Hugs my friend. XXX