gettingstronger

i keep looking for my AH to be remorseful, remorseful for lying, for chasing other women, for blaming me, for insulting me in front of other people, ridiculing my opinions, being too drunk to do his share, for all of his self-pity, for being resentful that I even exist, for letting me down over and over.

The only times I have ever gotten an "I'm sorry" has been when I pressed him for it, and then his apology sounded more like "I'm sorry I got caught".

Others can repeatedly tell me that I am looking to the wrong person to fill this need, and intellectually I understand that. But my heart keeps wanting an expression of his remorse. I want him to acknowledge what he's done. But I also understand that in his alcoholic brain, he's in complete denial of any wrong he has ever committed. That he doesn't feel remorseful, but instead feels justified in his behavior. So, he will never feel remorseful. I understand all of that. So how do I get over wanting something that as long as he's not in recovery, he will never be able to give me?

NYCDoglvr

What's your motive? To prove you're right and he's wrong? You already know that. Do you think an apology will erase the hurt and damage he's caused you? Not likely. An apology doesn't mean anything will change or improve. If you don't trust or respect him an apology won't change that. As a codependent I know we want acknowledgement and validation, but alcoholics aren't the people to deliver it in any form. "His majesty the child" ... he's got the emotional maturity of a teenager. Like going to the hardware store to buy bread.

Alanon made a huge difference in my recovery. I stopped obsessing about an alcoholic and focused on my own issues. Because I never, ever want to pick another alcoholic/addict for a relationship.

Thomas45

Understanding and accepting are two different things. You have to accept that he won't be remorseful. Until we learn how to read other people's minds, we'll never be able to get inside the other person's head to truly know what they're thinking and feeling, and that's just life. We don't get that kind of closure. Our closure comes in having respect and love for ourselves. Breathe it in, accept it, breathe it out and recognize it for what it is.

charis78

I know how you feel. This is something I can't seem to get past either. My ex says he is remorseful but his actions and the names he calls me show he cannot possibly be. I guess we just have to accept some people are just awful.

gettingstronger

I think maybe I am still looking for hope in our relationship. That if he's truly remorseful, he might be choosing recovery, and there could still be hope for our marriage. The validation thing, I think I do get that from a lot of other people and from myself.

NYCDoglvr

It's good to get clear on what you really want because then you can hold it up to the light of day and see if it's feasible. His problem is a whole lot bigger than drinking (in AA's Big Book Bill Wilson says "alcohol is but a symptom of a much bigger problem"). It's a way of hanging on, letting him live rent-free in your head fed by denial and rationalization. Perhaps you should give yourself a time limit (one hour?) on this kind of thinking because he isn't going to change. You're wasting your valuable time. There is simply no sign of it.

I'm still waiting for the pony

Thomas45

Holding on is easier than, and paradoxically harder than, letting go and accepting reality. It means you're human.

dandylion

gettingstronger....when you finally build your own happy life.
At that point, it just won't matter, any more.

dandylion

brightdaysahead

Being remorseful can spark hope. But, I think NYCDog has a point. There's still the hurt that must be dealt with. It doesn't erase those lingering feelings.

My RAH (only two months sober) is remorseful and has apologized. It's left me cautiously optimistic. But, I am still well guarded though. I continue to detach and protect myself. And, despite the apologies, the hurt and lack of trust are still there. It didn't go away with an "I'm sorry". We'll need marriage counseling to resolve those issues.

LexieCat

He may have plenty of remorse, but be unwilling to show it, because if he does that he has to do something about it. Remorse isn't a sign he is ready to recover. It can be just another reason to drink. Remorse is a pretty unpleasant feeling, and most alcoholics have one, simple, never-fail, tried-and-true way of handling unpleasant feelings.

AliWProk

I can't believe anything he says, anyway. So even if he were genuine, I couldn't believe it. I don't need or want anything from him. It was a long time coming.

happybeingme

It is also possible that even if he sobers up he will still be a name calling, skirt chasing jerk. Not all of his behaviors are because he drinks. There are a million alcoholics who are hard working, kind loving people who are addicted to alcohol. Being an alcoholic doesn't mean you are mean, cruel, cheating and debasing. They are separate issues in my opinion as a recovering alcoholic.

You need to open your heart to accepting the truth that your mind already knows.

Slothy

Waiting and holding hope for an apology or a sign of remorse is a detriment to my recovery.... So I let it go!!!!! Don't dwell on what you can't change! Although it is hard, Try paving your own closure without the " I'm sorry"! Lots of hugs!

CodeJob

I'm working out my amends to RAH with my sponsor now. it took me 22 months to get to this juncture. That Time also was well spent letting go of expecting to get one from my RAH.

sauerkraut

Thanks for asking a good question. I've been wondering the same thing. For the past five weeks though, my ah seems to have quit drinking and, as a result, his old self seems to be re-emerging. I'm so glad to get glimpses of the man that I married that I don't care so much whether he apologizes. I was obsessed with that when he was lying and drinking; now I'm starting to trust his actions rather than waiting for words.

maia1234

I have posted this before. This was told to me by an A. I hope that this will get you to understand the thinking of an A.
Peace my friend:

When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.

Impurrfect

I waited, and wanted, for years for XABF#1 to show remorse. He never did. Ran into him, recently, after about 15 or so years - he hasn't changed.

XABF#3? I realized that it didn't matter what he said, I wouldn't believe him. I'd been let down too many times.

Like others have said, I went on and worked on MY recoveries (I'm both an RA and a codie) and finally got to the point where it really doesn't matter.

I can't really tell you how I did it, but I do know that part of it was accepting that I had my part in the dysfunctions (I was a really good codie), but it wasn't ALL my fault. I got tired of waiting for something that may never come, and life was passing me by.

I also clung to this forum and learned from what others have been through. Didn't happen, quickly, but it did happen.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Eauchiche

I don't want him to be remorseful, because I have forgiven him.
To be precise, I want him to be well and happy.

cookiesncream

Couldn't have said it better myself. I mean this in the gentlest way possible because I know you're hurting and I'm sorry, my heart goes out to you. As someone also in recovery I do feel like sometimes every bad behavior under the sun gets blamed on alcohol. Unfortunately I've seen far too many times where the person gets their wish, their loved on sobers up, and they find a person they don't like exists. I agree with others that you are dealing with completely different issues. Like others have said the best thing you can do for yourself is to work on you and figure out what you can and cannot live with, set boundaries when appropriate, but delve into your own self. Al-Anon and other support groups that are out there for friends and family would be a good start. If you aren't already seeing a therapist that route would certainly be in order to help work through the issues you face.

Peace,

Cookies

AnvilheadII

maybe that remorse needs to come from within YOU? as in self, i'm sorry I stubbornly stayed in such an unpleasant and soul killing situation. i'm sorry I didn't love you enough to remove you from the abuse and negativity.