Seek and you shall find.....

Old 02-28-2015, 03:08 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Pink, so sorry for this horrible situation. I know what it's like to have the constant niggling of wanting to check your partners phone- I did. Actually, I never was 'that' person but he made me into that with how he behaved- not only the lies and going AWOL for days, but because he was obsessed with checking my phone, computer, laptop, everything- messages, pictures- all of it. So on the end I figured well I will check his as he surely has something to hide if he checks mine. I didn't find much as he deleted most stuff (although he told me he just didn't have much in there), but one time I did find incoming and outgoing calls to a woman he said he had blocked. I called him on it and of course I was wrong, she had called him not the other way round (how if that person is blocked)?? To this day I never got an answer and actually now it's bugging me again since I bring it up, but I guess my point is you don't want to be that woman who comes off as 'crazy' and he's making you into her, and in addition to that no good ever comes of checking his phone- even if you do find things they won't be nice and you may never get the actual answers or explanation about them anyhow.

You have enough 'proof' from what I have read from your posts that this man is horrible to you and detrimental to your mental and physical health, don't bother searching for more- instead use your time productively to try and plan how and when you will get away from him and start to live a happy life again with your daughter.

PS. I am not implying in any way at all that you are actually crazy, I hope it doesn't read like that what I mean to say is that being in these situations can make us feel like we are going crazy and behave in ways that in a 'normal' relationship we wouldn't- I intend no offence at all, hope that makes sense
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Old 02-28-2015, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by pinkpeony View Post
I so wish I could just kick him out of here.
We've talked about this. You CAN do that by getting a protective order. You haven't been willing to do that because you're concerned about his ability to support his disabled son. He's taking someone else out to dinner and bringing you takeout. What's wrong with this picture?
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Old 02-28-2015, 04:25 AM
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It doesn't matter what he's done, it's you who is acting out inappropriately, trying to get his attention and maintain the relationship. If it's what you want, you're certainly headed in the right direction. If not, I recommend Alanon.
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Old 02-28-2015, 05:24 AM
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You realize this is abuse right? Economic Abuse?



Originally Posted by pinkpeony View Post
There is no money. No accounts. Live paycheck to paycheck on what he makes. I have no money at all, it's his.
If I need something I have to ask him to get it and bring it home.
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
It doesn't matter what he's done, it's you who is acting out inappropriately, trying to get his attention and maintain the relationship. If it's what you want, you're certainly headed in the right direction. If not, I recommend Alanon.
I don't see how I'm acting out to get his attention and maintain the relationship here?

More like I'm looking for "evidence" that I'm correct about him and more reasons to leave him (though I've got, and have had more than enough - to me that's the crazy part of me in this)

Al-anon, yes, have been there. This isn't my first rodeo with him & all of this. I can't get out to meetings now so now I'm doing online meetings.
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
You realize this is abuse right? Economic Abuse?
I guess it is? I'm not sure.

It's his money from his working.

I'm not working and earning any money so considering our whole situation, I don't feel right asking for any.

Even though we both agree the marriage is done, and there is no going back, there is no hope for it, he's allowing me to stay here and he's financially supporting me in all ways....


I do get it all thrown back in my face though on his ranting mean drunk nights....
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:13 AM
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pink...I think that the central reason for the "crazy part" is the primitive fear of aloneness and abandonment.
That is probably far more frightening than the crap that he throws at you. Even when he is throwing crap...at least you know that SOMEONE acknowledges your existence. (and you might even get an occasional crumb as an added bonus). That is powerful stuff.

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Old 02-28-2015, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
We've talked about this. You CAN do that by getting a protective order. You haven't been willing to do that because you're concerned about his ability to support his disabled son. He's taking someone else out to dinner and bringing you takeout. What's wrong with this picture?
Lexie,

He hasn't done anything for a protective order to be granted lately.
I AM considering it.

But honestly, it's very expensive where we are living, we have high rent, we have to pay for expensive propane, we have to pay for water delivery to our cistern every 14 days, we have to pay for wood for heat. Plus electric and food and wifi.

I could not afford to live here, even if I was working full time as a nurse.
So, I definitely could not stay here even with child support and him additionally paying some of the bills.

A KY judge is NOT going to order him to pay to maintain this entire household while he is ordered to stay away. He can not afford it. Additionally any abuse I state in a protective order is going to seem minor to a judge.

I can't in good, conscience, expect him to pay all of the bills here - he would have to feed us too, and know that he was left with no money to take care of his disabled son, my stepson that I raised from the time he was 5.

And yes, I have spoken with DV people here locally and this is info I have gotten from them.
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:28 AM
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Like I wasn't a stay at home mom raising 7 kids, one severely physically disabled (his son) Like I haven't worked for years during our entire relationship.
No, he's carried me all this time.......
That has a financial value attached to it. You put your own ability to have a financial career on hold to raise the children and maintain the household. You sacrificed your employment potential for the greater benefit of the family. He owes it to you to support you financially until you're able to be financially independent, because you sacrificed your own independence for him and your family. Fair's fair.
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:29 AM
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Didn't you say that he told you he would fix your car this weekend? Maybe you should focus on that? It seems like having a car would pave the way to doing a lot of other things to help yourself...getting a job, going to al-anon, joining a church, looking for an apartment for yourself, etc. If you really want to move in June, there are a lot of things that need to happen between now and then. I'm sure you already know that.
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:29 AM
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pink...I just realized that this is Saturday..didn't he promise to fix your car this weekend?

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Old 02-28-2015, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
pink...I think that the central reason for the "crazy part" is the primitive fear of aloneness and abandonment.
That is probably far more frightening than the crap that he throws at you. Even when he is throwing crap...at least you know that SOMEONE acknowledges your existence. (and you might even get an occasional crumb as an added bonus). That is powerful stuff.

dandylion
You know, Dandy, I DO have abandonment issues thanks to my dad being an alcoholic and abandoning our family when I was 12yo and then starting a new life and living as if we never existed.

BUT I look forward to moving on. I look forward and for the past 6 months or so, I LOVE being left alone, by him and everyone. I want to be alone.

I DO worry that I will be alone (without a romantic partner) for the rest of my life and that stems from fears relating to my facial and teeth disfigurement.

But I can realistically sometimes even see that as a positive, as I want to be able to live my life on my terms, without any control or input from anyone.

I see some truth to what you are saying, then again I don't.

I DO feel like my mind is a mess and a lot of the time my mind is just spinning. And I feel like I can't make good decisions and/or maybe what I'm thinking is not quite right.....
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by pinkpeony View Post
I guess it is? I'm not sure.

It's his money from his working.

I'm not working and earning any money so considering our whole situation, I don't feel right asking for any.

Even though we both agree the marriage is done, and there is no going back, there is no hope for it, he's allowing me to stay here and he's financially supporting me in all ways....


I do get it all thrown back in my face though on his ranting mean drunk nights....
It is financial abuse. As long as you are married (on paper, the emotional stuff is separate, the law doesn't care about that) there is no "his money." It's considered a joint asset, no matter who is earning it. Denying you access to basic needs like food is also abuse.
Would you be comfortable making an appointment for a free consultation with an attorney? That is something you can do over the phone. It doesn't commit you to anything, but sometimes knowing your actual legal rights can help you to overcome your fears of the unknown.
You might be in a better position than you think. When I got divorced my ex was obligated to provide me with a reliable vehicle and financial support for our son, which was more than he did when we were married.
Just something to keep in mind. I know you're in a tough spot. Sending strength and support your way Pink. Hugs.
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Thomas45 View Post
That has a financial value attached to it. You put your own ability to have a financial career on hold to raise the children and maintain the household. You sacrificed your employment potential for the greater benefit of the family. He owes it to you to support you financially until you're able to be financially independent, because you sacrificed your own independence for him and your family. Fair's fair.
Thanks for this, I agree.

He throw it in my face that he "carried me" while I went to nursing school years ago when the kids were younger. He says he worked and supported me and the family while also taking care of the kids at times while I could do what I wanted by going to nursing school.
(Ummm, I thought I was going to nursing school to better myself and our family, also its not like I wasn't also raising the kids too during this time)

His thinking is very messed up with this....

BUT he's currently pissed because I lost my job back in May due to missing too many days of work due to my severe depression and not being able to get up out of bed and go to work. And the months following, my depression and anxiety got even worse.

So now, he says I have just sat around and haven't worked for months while he's carried me. He says its bulls*t that I say I was too sick to work......
meanwhile my car has been broken down for months so I cant get back and forth to a job......
Even though we live in a small town and way out in the country, a 20 min drive away from anywhere to work, and it's winter, he says I could walk to a job if I really wanted to get a job and work and contribute to the household.
But since I don't then I'm lazy and don't want to work and want to be "carried" and supported by him.....
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by jjj111 View Post
Didn't you say that he told you he would fix your car this weekend? Maybe you should focus on that? It seems like having a car would pave the way to doing a lot of other things to help yourself...getting a job, going to al-anon, joining a church, looking for an apartment for yourself, etc. If you really want to move in June, there are a lot of things that need to happen between now and then. I'm sure you already know that.

Yes, definitely. A working vehicle is KEY to everything in my situation.

He got up early this morning and left.
He is on call this weekend for his job so I'm assuming he's working, but really who knows...
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:44 AM
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pink....Fears of abandonment are often partially conscious or sometimes, completely unconscious. I mentioned this as a direct answer to a statement that you made.

Your speaking about your mind just spinning...that is a description that is often used here..particulalily, by those who have been in an abusive or overwhelming situation for a period of time. I believe that your isolation contributes to this, significantly.
We need the presence of others (normal others) for proper "mirroring" to take place. Without it...and,in the presence of abuse and fear...we just get our self-conficence and self esteem pounded into dust. We start to lose our normal protective defences--out ego boundaries...our sense of our own self.

I can absolutely understand how you have gotten to this place, emotionally.

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Old 02-28-2015, 09:47 AM
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pink....he is talking self-serving smack.

At least, get out of that house and walk every day. You have got to get out of that house some....

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Old 02-28-2015, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
pink....Fears of abandonment are often partially conscious or sometimes, completely unconscious. I mentioned this as a direct answer to a statement that you made.

Your speaking about your mind just spinning...that is a description that is often used here..particulalily, by those who have been in an abusive or overwhelming situation for a period of time. I believe that your isolation contributes to this, significantly.
We need the presence of others (normal others) for proper "mirroring" to take place. Without it...and,in the presence of abuse and fear...we just get our self-conficence and self esteem pounded into dust. We start to lose our normal protective defences--out ego boundaries...our sense of our own self.

I can absolutely understand how you have gotten to this place, emotionally.

dandylion
Thanks for this, very helpful
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Old 02-28-2015, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
pink....he is talking self-serving smack.

At least, get out of that house and walk every day. You have got to get out of that house some....

dandylion
I do, I have three dogs, so I walk them around the property several times a day/evening.
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Old 02-28-2015, 10:42 AM
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I am so upset today.

I swallowed my pride again and wrote a joint email to my two brothers basically begging them to help me in any way financially.

I am sure I will be the "talk of the town" now between my brothers and my mom, the phone lines will be burning up with them talking smack about me.

Ugh.
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