Always gone out with losers

Old 02-26-2015, 01:52 PM
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Always gone out with losers

Hello all this is my very first post pleased to join you!
since the age of 21 I have been out mostly with drinkers
I married a fellow of 2 alcoholic parents
He beat me up a lot and head butted me even while pregnant
We split while our children only babies

I was very naive and gullible and charmed very easy with a little attention
when the guy would have me 100% then they would go off with other women or abuse me
It took 27 years for me to realize I was not in love with my many loser boyfriends and that I was infact addicted in an obsessive way that would drive them away.
I realise I met the guys from relationships Id had while out socialising where there was alcohol
I love to dance and drink although Im not an alcoholic

I do have addictions mostly drowning my emotions in the past when I used to be a smoker and a foodie many years ago
These days I open up and talk and cry a terrible lot
I think Im quite bipolar

I did not date for many years and did many therapies and tried many medications for anxiety
I stopped medication about 5 years ago

I started dating and it was very brief and he was cruel and controlling
I would describe him as having no empathy

I then met the alcoholic who has discarded me
we finished a few weeks ago
It was then I realized this pattern of codependancy
false gods who I was addicted to sexually mostly
and confused it all with love

Now Iam going through withdrawals from my boyfriend
I thought I loved him so much
He held me so tight
for just a few months it felt like real love
Every day I break down sometimes in a supermarket
in the car
just anywhere
Its got worse since we both stopped texting 3 days ago after he stringed me along with hope of seeing him

Everything was wonderful till he got soooo drunk while out he didnt even realise I was out with him
He used a technique on me where he started to ignore me
He said I was intense
This only happended after he was constantly demanding immediate replys from me when he texted
I got addicted to his attention

I feel very upset like he set me up
Im having trouble not breaking down
I went back on meds as I felt anxiety sometimes while on previous phone calls with him
Hes very stubborn
Doesnt want me
He will phone maybe when hes drunk and horny and doesnt get anyone
Im not going to be used. Im not so stupid

I tried blocking him but couldnt do it as it was too suffocating
Im praying he doesnt get in touch ever
As Im not strong enough
Im trying to get outside interests I will not contact him as I did at the beginning when I said some bad things to him as I was so hurt.
I think he has many problems drinking nightly emotionally stunted and money problems
so couldnt cope with me as well
many thanks for listening
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:06 PM
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Eyeoftheholder, welcome to SR and glad you found your way here, although I am very sorry to hear about the situation(s) that bring you here.

It sounds like you have had a rough ride but you can acknowledge where you went wrong, what the patterns are, what you need to do to go forward- and that is one part of the battle friend. While in these situations, particularly with abusive alcoholics, we can become almost numb to the pain and think it's a 'normal' way of life if that makes sense, it takes us to a crazy place and it's not until we step outside we start to think about things, and yes that hurts.

Why do we love these men and continue to keep loving them no matter what **** they put us through- there are studies that draw conclusions but I myself have yet to fully understand why I stayed with an abusive (verbally and physically) alcoholic so long, and why I am still in contact with him now! It is to do with us deep down, but that's not to berate ourselves and say we are stupid, we care, we love, we want to help, we want happiness and to fix it and as you quite rightly pointed out we are codependent!

Read the stickies here they will give you valuable information, there are also some on abuse that will help you see the 'cycle' you are involved in and maybe get a better understanding of the whys and how's. Other people will share their experiences and please keep sharing yours and reading other posts as so many will resonate, even if just in small parts.

Look to al anon or other support groups, keeping busy is a good idea so as not to 'dwell' but most importantly take care of yourself. Let yourself feel sadness, anger, any emotion you need to as it is perfectly normal and ok. Reach out to people close to you that will care and understand, treat yourself kindly and keep coming back.

I can completely sympathise with you re the blocking- I tried this over and over and the longest period I have go NC is about 2 weeks. People will tell you here that no new contact = no new pain and reality is that's true, but you (and I) have to come to a point where we can do that, and sometimes these things take time.

Hugs to you, it's not easy, infact it's heartbreaking stuff to love an alcoholic, but you've come to the right place, please keep coming back.
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:07 PM
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HI eyeoftheholder!
Welcome to SR!
You sound like you have some good insight into your behavior...even as it continues to vex you!
Collectively we've seen it all here on SR so stick around and I hope you find support here through other's lived experiences.
Peace,
B
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:18 PM
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You sound a lot like me. I have dated and even married, an ex crack addict/alcoholic, a narcissist that kept me strung along for 6 years, my first bf died in a car accident on the way back from a Grateful Dead concert (drugs), my highschool sweetheart was a meth addict (and I right along with him.... that was YEARS ago), my ex and father to my children who is an ex meth addict but still very much angry and emotionally and mentally abusive, and now my current xabf, who, is never really mean, but is always talking about the end of the world and is very insecure (I hear it gets worse over time; I believe those that said that)....

So, here I am.... Seeking out all the recovery and tools I can get because I refuse to spend ONE MORE SECOND of my life going through any of this again! Ugh! NOT the love I want. WE deserve better. WE are worth more. WE have a whole life ahead of us, and today, we can take it one day at a time, as we discover all the little things that add up to a really healthy life.

Welcome!
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:26 PM
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Not much to add at the moment just wanted to stop by and say welcome to the group!
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:33 PM
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I agree with knowthetriggers....... welcome. Wish I had more to say, but wow, you have a lot of insight. Good on you! Stay around, hang out. You can learn a lot from these members, and I'm sure we can learn from you!
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:50 PM
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It sounds like you have some amazing self awareness. You are here, and you are seeking meds and I hope that you seek Alanon meetings or some support group, plus some counseling for yourself. Most of the above has been unimaginably helpful to me.

With these tools, I know you can begin to take your power back, and mold a peaceful life full of self love!
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Old 02-26-2015, 11:59 PM
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feeling violated

Iam so grateful for all your replies and your support gives me comfort!
Thankyou for sharing your heartaches!
We are all in the same boat here
loving someone who rejects us and rebels against us.
I didnt want to fix my boyfriend or control him
He knew all along I wanted a hug with him and everything would be better
His hugs felt like Id been given some drug

I have been having dreams about us though very very vague
I need to vent so I dont tell him like I originally did tell him exactly what I thought of him.
This would annoy him and call me a physcho and then I would never have a chance of him being alone and thinking nice of me and how much he misses me as I want him to know how mean he is.
He will not know this till he self reflects
Although he will drown in alcohol and try for other women
He is such a clown when drunk he will find it difficult

When we met he was sober and drove
I didnt realize till the past week that all my boyfriends and hubby were alcoholics
I knew they shared something and I thought that was Narcissism

Today when I woke I was realizing how he tricked me to real me in and bring me to the stage of "intense" so he said and "psycho bitch"
It was all a trick
The constant texting to me and asking where Iam when I didnt reply quick
The daily phonecalls
The huge hugs love and kissing attention

All a trick
Then he backs off
He gets validation
Maybe he has a couple of women at a time crying for him
Sometimes no women for long periods of time
He is very much in control of completely switching off

If I ever said I just want a hug or a phone call or some respect
He would say "Dont tell me how I should think or behave"

I feel he is a mean spirited person and hurt a lot of people and doesnt know as he is an alcoholic
He doesnt know the alcoholic person
He only knows the sweet sober guy who goes to work.
I must let this go !!!!!!!

Its difficult to know if a guy is an alcoholic they can hide it.
I will try but you fall for them before its too late
We must keep our radars on and keep reinforcing our boundaries so we can say no more!

Ive ordered the book co dependant no more from the library
If I went to meetings I would just break down right now
Im so upset
Love and light to you all may we have peace and happiness!
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Old 03-04-2015, 03:43 AM
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Today I did a brave move
Despite sending my exAB messages on FB telling him how much he hurt me and my repeated pleas asking him to block me and he doesn't!
My DD got so fed up she messaged him for me and I agreed and she asked him to block me off the FB so I do believe he will now I hope
I've deleted all messages and his number
I have one of his business cards tucked away somewhere lol
with his number but far to inconvenient to find it and message him

What would be the point when someone doesn't want you they don't want you!
I loved him
What's the point of being one of his booty calls in the future when I've calmed down
I know I'm worth so much more than this
He's the one with a problem
I was loving and caring
He couldn't cope with that and backed off
Definitely his loss I say hmmm.
Good riddence!
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Old 03-04-2015, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by eyeoftheholder View Post
I know I'm worth so much more than this
!

Yes you are! Say it to yourself every day... like a mantra.
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Old 03-06-2015, 12:02 AM
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Vent shaking!
XABF Did not block my facebook even though my daughter asked him too!
So I sent him a lovely message thanking him for dumping me and after 4 weeks of non stop crying and anxiety admitted he did the right thing him having drink problems

He doesnt normally reply but he did as my message was nice
He put some lovely things like how gorgeous Iam and how proud he was to have had me on his arm!
Then he went negative and said he hadnt appreciated my damming comments to him as he knows his faults
He said his daughter loves him and thats all that matters
(Yeh right Like my love never mattered one jot)By the way his daughter lives 200 miles away!

He said I was going a bit mental and he couldnt keep up!
( He means when I texted him he would often ignore it and it put him off as he doesnt want to reply for hours or days or phone!

Which at first he texted me 100 times a day and phone calls till I was addicted
if i didnt answer straight away he would say oooooiiiiiii where are you!
or not talking ?

All on his terms eh
so I blocked his FB finally and his number
But Im so angry the way Ive been treated
They try to make you mental these guys
I surely would have turned to violent had i stayed with him
Im a very placid loving person
never kill a fly
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Old 03-06-2015, 12:18 AM
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EotB, you have too much pride to be his b***ch. I don't normally write like that but in this case it fits.
Non-contact is the only way to get over him and show your daughter how someone with self-esteem behaves.
The pattern of most abusers is to treat you mean, then give you enough to hook you again, then start the cycle all over again. Don't fall for it.
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Old 03-06-2015, 08:04 AM
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Welcome! Your eyes are open so now the real healing work can start! Keep reading and reaching out. It gets better everyday!
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Old 03-06-2015, 08:18 AM
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Hello and welcome!

Sweetie, I am a loser magnet! My X husband is awful, and my X boyfriends are not much better. However, I have learned and going forward will not make the same mistakes again!

Take this time to focus on you!!!!
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