My estranged AH ... found dead
In search of myself
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
My estranged AH ... found dead
I've been reading here for several years. I am wary about posting. Why? It seems there is a core group of folks who support one another.
Newcomers like me? Maybe I'll get some support, maybe not. This post will confirm whether or not I'm correct in my assumption.
I loved him. But I had to walk away and go no contact. I got occasional emails. Birthday cards. Small gifts.
Our contact was sporadic. Then I met him again. It was cordial. Formal. Nothing physical. No overt or covert overtures towards me. Still, I accepted him for who and what he was.
I finally went completely no contact in January 2014. It wasn't worth my mental health or sanity any longer.
My AH was found dead in his apartment on January 16 of this year. He had been dead several days. I still have no death certificate to give me the definitive final diagnosis. But I know.
As the executor of his estate and personal representative, I went into his apartment to gather necessary documents to begin the process.
I found broken glass all over the kitchen. Dried vomit. Blood. Feces-spattered clothing in the bathtub. Feces spewed all over the toilet. Stench. Filth. Boxes of "crisp white" wine. Empty bottles. Empty packs of cigarettes. Burns in the carpet. Unpacked boxes. Unpaid bills.
I'm left with the mess. I have to close out the estate. Chances are collection agencies and attorneys will harass me for awhile. I don't know.
I'll never make sense of it. I'll never have real closure. I'll just have to let it go. But it's hard to let go of what I saw.
Now I'll wait to see if anyone replies to this post. I'll wait to see if this is a forum for recovery or not. Don't worry ... I attended a Catholic girls' high school. I'm very familiar with the in- and out-crowd.
Newcomers like me? Maybe I'll get some support, maybe not. This post will confirm whether or not I'm correct in my assumption.
I loved him. But I had to walk away and go no contact. I got occasional emails. Birthday cards. Small gifts.
Our contact was sporadic. Then I met him again. It was cordial. Formal. Nothing physical. No overt or covert overtures towards me. Still, I accepted him for who and what he was.
I finally went completely no contact in January 2014. It wasn't worth my mental health or sanity any longer.
My AH was found dead in his apartment on January 16 of this year. He had been dead several days. I still have no death certificate to give me the definitive final diagnosis. But I know.
As the executor of his estate and personal representative, I went into his apartment to gather necessary documents to begin the process.
I found broken glass all over the kitchen. Dried vomit. Blood. Feces-spattered clothing in the bathtub. Feces spewed all over the toilet. Stench. Filth. Boxes of "crisp white" wine. Empty bottles. Empty packs of cigarettes. Burns in the carpet. Unpacked boxes. Unpaid bills.
I'm left with the mess. I have to close out the estate. Chances are collection agencies and attorneys will harass me for awhile. I don't know.
I'll never make sense of it. I'll never have real closure. I'll just have to let it go. But it's hard to let go of what I saw.
Now I'll wait to see if anyone replies to this post. I'll wait to see if this is a forum for recovery or not. Don't worry ... I attended a Catholic girls' high school. I'm very familiar with the in- and out-crowd.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh sweetie. What a horrible, horrible thing to have to go through.
Learning about his death would have been bad enough. But for you to have to enter that apartment and see the squalor he had lived in? I don't have words.
What support do you have in dealing with all of this? When someone loses a spouse, support usually comes out of the woodwork -- flowers, casseroles, cards... but I'm guessing in a situation like yours, people aren't going to know how to react.
My best friend's mother died in a similar way -- an alcoholic, living alone, found long after she had died. My friend also had to do what you did -- go in there, sort through the debris and the few (mostly emotionally) valuable belongings that were still there. I still to this day don't know how she did it. Her? She said "I had no choice."
I imagine that when you have no choice you just do what needs to be done. But please don't forget to take care of yourself in the process. Just being no-contact and alienated from an alcoholic spouse is difficult enough. Now you also have to process his death, and the way he died. Don't try to do it alone. You sound stunned right now. Which makes perfect sense. But once that passes -- don't let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn't feel. Whatever you're feeling is exactly what you should be feeling. Let yourself.
What can we do to help? Other than listen?
And don't think of this board as an "in-group" -- everyone was new here once. I spent my first four years on the board mostly reading and not posting much. I'm glad you reached out. And I hope you will find the support and love you need and deserve here.
Learning about his death would have been bad enough. But for you to have to enter that apartment and see the squalor he had lived in? I don't have words.
What support do you have in dealing with all of this? When someone loses a spouse, support usually comes out of the woodwork -- flowers, casseroles, cards... but I'm guessing in a situation like yours, people aren't going to know how to react.
My best friend's mother died in a similar way -- an alcoholic, living alone, found long after she had died. My friend also had to do what you did -- go in there, sort through the debris and the few (mostly emotionally) valuable belongings that were still there. I still to this day don't know how she did it. Her? She said "I had no choice."
I imagine that when you have no choice you just do what needs to be done. But please don't forget to take care of yourself in the process. Just being no-contact and alienated from an alcoholic spouse is difficult enough. Now you also have to process his death, and the way he died. Don't try to do it alone. You sound stunned right now. Which makes perfect sense. But once that passes -- don't let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn't feel. Whatever you're feeling is exactly what you should be feeling. Let yourself.
What can we do to help? Other than listen?
And don't think of this board as an "in-group" -- everyone was new here once. I spent my first four years on the board mostly reading and not posting much. I'm glad you reached out. And I hope you will find the support and love you need and deserve here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am so sorry for his sad life, and the way it ended. I hope that somehow he was able to have some bit of comfort. I really hate alcohol, and how it steals a persons very life.
If you need support, all you need to do is ask, Erin. I am sorry that you dealt with this sadness alone. I really am sorry about your loss... so so tragic and heartbreaking.
most sincerely ,
chicory
If you need support, all you need to do is ask, Erin. I am sorry that you dealt with this sadness alone. I really am sorry about your loss... so so tragic and heartbreaking.
most sincerely ,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Erin,
I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am. My uncle died 16 days before my mother's passing in 2011. He was an alcoholic, too, and was found in his home days after his passing. He, too, died w/o anyone by his side. There was alcohol at the desk where he had been sitting. In his kitchen sink is where he kept all of his bills -- weird -- but he was a little different. A musician with a unique mind tattered by alcohol abuse.
I'm sorry that you felt no one would answer you. I've yet to see a new persons post go unanswered. People here genuinely care. I was once new too and everyone was so supportive of me in the beginning and it has continued to this day. I know you will find that support too.
I'll be praying for you. I know the mess you have to clean up will be lengthy and time consuming. Will you have any help? I hope so because I know it can be overwhelming.
Hugs hon.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am. My uncle died 16 days before my mother's passing in 2011. He was an alcoholic, too, and was found in his home days after his passing. He, too, died w/o anyone by his side. There was alcohol at the desk where he had been sitting. In his kitchen sink is where he kept all of his bills -- weird -- but he was a little different. A musician with a unique mind tattered by alcohol abuse.
I'm sorry that you felt no one would answer you. I've yet to see a new persons post go unanswered. People here genuinely care. I was once new too and everyone was so supportive of me in the beginning and it has continued to this day. I know you will find that support too.
I'll be praying for you. I know the mess you have to clean up will be lengthy and time consuming. Will you have any help? I hope so because I know it can be overwhelming.
Hugs hon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
I'm sorry for you, really I am; they are not just words lightly spoken. Here you are trying to be strong. Who is there to help you with the physical part? Who will help you sort through the bills, the things, the awful picture you have burned in your brain when entering the apartment?
Some of those things, the people here will be more than willing to listen, share their experience, and let you just vent. If you came here to just write your words and be ignored, you came to the wrong place. The people here are here to love and help. Nobody purposely goes ignored. That I can guarantee.
My thougts are with you, I hope you will stay with us and you will continue to share.
Some of those things, the people here will be more than willing to listen, share their experience, and let you just vent. If you came here to just write your words and be ignored, you came to the wrong place. The people here are here to love and help. Nobody purposely goes ignored. That I can guarantee.
My thougts are with you, I hope you will stay with us and you will continue to share.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 30
More hugs, Erin. It is so hard to see the hell they can put themselves in. So sorry he couldn't find his way out and back. Hope you have a good support system, or just keep coming here. I read more than i ever post, but i've learned a lot from other people's honest and vulnerable sharings.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Not sure why you are coming out swinging.
If there is a "core group" here, (which I have never witnessed) it might be because there's a lot of us who still struggle to get sober, and have been for years. Those that have cemented their sobriety reach out to hold our hands while we are struggling. They also reach out to new comers, in droves.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. Addiction sucks hard on every level.
This is a tremendous place and an unlimited font of support.
May you be blessed .
If there is a "core group" here, (which I have never witnessed) it might be because there's a lot of us who still struggle to get sober, and have been for years. Those that have cemented their sobriety reach out to hold our hands while we are struggling. They also reach out to new comers, in droves.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. Addiction sucks hard on every level.
This is a tremendous place and an unlimited font of support.
May you be blessed .
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Hey Erin-
So sorry for this... wow- my statement doesn't even begin to cover it does it?
My ex died in 2013. He was shot and killed by the police for trying to break in to some girls house (while she was inside) with a chainsaw. He was an addict (meth) and alchoholic.
No we will never have closure. I'm sorry- that is the sad truth.
I feel what you should know at this time is that what you saw at his apartment despells the true him. He was dying on the inside too. No one would truly want to live like that. So regardless of what his physical body died from- his soul was withering away too. He is no longer in pain and he is free from his addiction. It took him, but it no longer has him.
That's what my daughter said when I told her that her dad was killed. She said "is it bad that I'm kind of relieved? Because at least I know now that he doesn't have to deal with his addiction anymore."
I know none of what I'm saying helps. I just want you to know that we are here for you. I'm glad you told us what was going on.
So sorry for this... wow- my statement doesn't even begin to cover it does it?
My ex died in 2013. He was shot and killed by the police for trying to break in to some girls house (while she was inside) with a chainsaw. He was an addict (meth) and alchoholic.
No we will never have closure. I'm sorry- that is the sad truth.
I feel what you should know at this time is that what you saw at his apartment despells the true him. He was dying on the inside too. No one would truly want to live like that. So regardless of what his physical body died from- his soul was withering away too. He is no longer in pain and he is free from his addiction. It took him, but it no longer has him.
That's what my daughter said when I told her that her dad was killed. She said "is it bad that I'm kind of relieved? Because at least I know now that he doesn't have to deal with his addiction anymore."
I know none of what I'm saying helps. I just want you to know that we are here for you. I'm glad you told us what was going on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for your loss and what you had to experience at his apartment. After I walked away from my AH, we eventually divorced and he remarried. Still, it had a profound impact on my life when I found out he died from complications due to AIDS, a direct result of his lifestyle.
I don't know how I would have handled evidence of such despair and hopelessness as you did. Hoping you can find a quiet heart and serenity somewhere along the way.
I don't know how I would have handled evidence of such despair and hopelessness as you did. Hoping you can find a quiet heart and serenity somewhere along the way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
I hope you feel proved wrong about not getting support as a newcomer soon - I've only seen SR be supportive, and you could use a lot of it right now.
It's like, you had to do all the work and saying goodbye and mourning of going no contact - TWICE - and now you have to start the grief cycle all over again. It's BRUTAL. I've been thinking lately about how it's going to end up when my NC AM dies - what kind of visceral, physical details will be entailed. The details.
Because when she was at her worst and I was still around, I also saw the sh*t on the walls and linens, dried vomit, rotting food oozing into the carpet, urine-soaked clothes and bedding, clutter, all that unopened mail. The stuff that no one pictures unless they've seen in themselves. My mom, once a respected professional, was living like that, in total denial about it - and for all I know she still is.
There's almost no one you can talk to about it - there's this shame that comes along with it. I don't know if it's like that for you.
It's just a complete punch in the face that you got left with this. You must be totally overwhelmed by how you are feeling right now - either that or totally numb. Or both.
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have good friends, etc?
It's like, you had to do all the work and saying goodbye and mourning of going no contact - TWICE - and now you have to start the grief cycle all over again. It's BRUTAL. I've been thinking lately about how it's going to end up when my NC AM dies - what kind of visceral, physical details will be entailed. The details.
Because when she was at her worst and I was still around, I also saw the sh*t on the walls and linens, dried vomit, rotting food oozing into the carpet, urine-soaked clothes and bedding, clutter, all that unopened mail. The stuff that no one pictures unless they've seen in themselves. My mom, once a respected professional, was living like that, in total denial about it - and for all I know she still is.
There's almost no one you can talk to about it - there's this shame that comes along with it. I don't know if it's like that for you.
It's just a complete punch in the face that you got left with this. You must be totally overwhelmed by how you are feeling right now - either that or totally numb. Or both.
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have good friends, etc?
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
So sorry about your loss.
If I was in your shoes I would probably decline to act as executor. Let his family or the government deal with it. I don't see how doing all that work to clean up his mess benefits you. They can't make you do it. Consult with a lawyer in this area.
If I was in your shoes I would probably decline to act as executor. Let his family or the government deal with it. I don't see how doing all that work to clean up his mess benefits you. They can't make you do it. Consult with a lawyer in this area.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am truly sorry for your loss Erin and I can relate. I found out a few months ago that my X had committed suicide by jumping under a NYC subway. His family had to pull the plug on him. I had been no contact with him for years and there was a lot of lose ends there too.
It was like a numb feeling, I just did not know how to feel and how I was supposed to feel.
What I can tell you is that it is ok to let it all out and cry for the waste, for what could have been and for what it was. There is no time table for grief.
((hugs))
It was like a numb feeling, I just did not know how to feel and how I was supposed to feel.
What I can tell you is that it is ok to let it all out and cry for the waste, for what could have been and for what it was. There is no time table for grief.
((hugs))
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