TalenCrowhaven

Hi Erin,

(((Hugs to you)))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my partner of 23 years due to complications from his alcoholism. Three years ago, and I still haven't shared all of the details.

Although apart, we were still friends and in contact. The only saving grace was that in the end, due to his specific type of cancer, he couldn't drink himself to death. But, he did end up so full of morphine (with no food other than a feeding tube), that he wasn't even there any more. Death was his release from his torment.

Such a brilliant and talented soul, now gone forever.

I can't imagine what you're going through, after seeing how your loved one lived in the end, and dying alone. Heartbreaking...

Please, know that we do understand what it's like to watch the slow motion trainwreck of addiction. We who have left to save ourselves and our kids, still feel the pain of a life wasted. A life that we were powerless to save.

Thank you for posting and sharing your story.

sauerkraut

Erin,
Thanks for sharing your tragic story with us. I hope it's helpful for you to talk and get support, and I know it's helpful for others to hear how things can end up. Maybe we know this in the abstract--that the alcoholism could progress to such an awful state--but hearing about what people have had to cope with somehow puts a personal, frightening, and important light on the issue. I'm not expressing this very well, but I do want to say thank you for sharing. I hope you feel the warm wishes people including me are sending from this board.

P.S. And you're scaring me with the Catholic school comment! That's where I'm sending my children to school in part because I thought they were less cliquey, not more.

bailey17

I admire your strength, I send courage and hope to you as you walk through this difficult time.

Eauchiche

Re: Catholic school
I am Catholic and love my Church. I know too many who had horrid experiences in Catholic school, including molestation by a priest.

Even though I love my Church, I feel we have a lot to make amends for.

maia1234

Erin, I am so sorry. You did what you had to do by walking away and going NC. Those hard decisions have to be made everyday on this forum. Hardest things we have to do!!

I am sure you still loved him and your dying inside. Please remember we are here for you. It wasn't your fault and you couldn't have done anything for him as he was a grown man, to save him.

Take care of yourself and let yourself grieve for loss. you are so entitled!!

Hugs my friend, and keep coming back!!

missboots

I'm so sorry you're going through this, cannot imagine how horrible it was to see what mess he lived in. And just know this: you loved an alcoholic, you're automatically part of The Group. There is so much support here and always someone to listen. I pray for you to have peace and strength.

Clee0308

I too am sorry for your loss..hugs

seasaw

I'm glad Don't isolate yourself. I'm very glad to hear you're getting support via al-anon.

I didn't have any peers that understood so much of what I was dealing with for years. And until recently, I hadn't received any support about any of the sh*t I've had to deal with, either - just rejection, or outright disbelief, skepticism, almost mockery when I tried to tell people, even family. I understand feeling skeptical that people are going to stick around / truly have the good intentions they say they do, based on years of NOT getting support and broken promises.

Please do stick around here/come back!

Also - are you seeing a therapist? After repeatedly dealing with things that I can't 'un-see' in terms of squalor with my mother, I started having nightmares, interrupted sleep, disruptive thoughts (memories of her home or things she said popping up in my mind all the time), feeling jumpy, distant from my friends and other people... about 4/5 of the PTSD checklist. So maybe check that symptom list out and get extra care for yourself if you need it.

shil2587

As a teacher to went to Catholic school and has taught in different types of school, there's not much difference when it comes to the behaviour and cliquishness of the children. Children everywhere are much the same, it comes down to how it's handled by the school.

Erin, I really hope you get to see this thread. I know right now must be absolutely awful and must feel like your world has imploded. Please know you are cared about here and if that can help at all, it's what we hope to offer.

There is an in-group here, but it's not the sort you might think. It's just a group of long-time members who post more regularly. I for one don't often register who posts what sometimes, it's just whether I have anything to say that can help or not.

Keep posting, keep sharing, we really do care.

DoubleDragons

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I think this is all of our worst fears, finding our alcoholics in this state. Prayers and love ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brightlight2015

Hi Erin, i am new here, but felt immediately like a hundred arms were wrapped arnd me on a very lonely day. I hope you find that as well. It must be a terrible experience that you are having and no matter how you feel about it, its okay to feel that way. I worry my husband will die by himself sometimes, either by his own hands or through his alcoholism. Scary for me to even think about and i simply cant imagine actually living it. Congratulations for having the strength to walk away when you did. You deserve a wonderful life free of chaos. If you are able to financially, you may be able to hire someone to handle the closing of his affairs for you so your involvement and burden can be less. Hugs to you and I hope you find comfort in this very hard time.

waitingforhope

Hi Erin,
I've been very scarce on here myself the past few months. Not because I fear being berated, just have been too emotionally tired dealing with my pending divorce from my AH that I just don't have much energy left.

I felt compelled though to write to you and grieve with you. I cried reading your post and still am knowing how lonely this road is. It's terribly devastating watching someone you loved fall so far that you don't recognize who they are anymore, yet you still have some kind of strange connection to them that will always be present even when you had to walk away and haven't seen them for a long time. To have them leave this world with so many loose ends and questions unanswered makes it all the more difficult to cope with.

I've been watching my own AH decline so rapidly after I found him a few months ago and really just waiting and wondering if I'll get a call myself that he's died during or shortly after our divorce is final. I'm wishing I hadn't found him at all really at this point. He disappears on and off. I'm not sure yet if it's better or not just simply not knowing what's happening to them. There's a part of me attempting to "prepare" myself for receiving the news and another almost surprised it hasn't come yet.

The tragedy of it all is beyond the comprehension of anyone who has never dealt with it themselves. No one understands why if I'm getting divorced, am I not happy about it considering all he's put my children and myself through? I don't have an answer. People around me aren't very empathetic so I've kept to myself now. I feel a lot of pressure from people to "just get over it already" and since I know I haven't, it's just easier to not be around people for me right now.

Bless you and I wish your weary heart and mind some peace, comfort and rest and I will pray for all our recovery and well being. (((Virtual hugs)))!

Starr

I have not been on for a number of years. I saw this post today and just had to answer. I found my alcoholic husband dead about 3 1/2 years ago. It had been really bad building up to it. I feel like I am still cleaning up his messes. He may be done suffering, but I still am. I am sorry for all your pain and confusion that I know you are feeling. I wish there was a place to go to to talk with others who have and still live with this pain after their death. Thank you for sharing.

TJD912

Your words make me feel as though you have thousands of thoughts running through your head...and you are suddenly thrust into taking care of him even though he's gone. It must feel like a very warped and very odd reality you are now in. I'm so sorry.

ForeverAlways

I have found it very hard to find anyone that understands the pain of my AH dying. I used to think it would be easier for him to die, but the pain really still remains. I have found keeping a journal really helps me a lot.

lakeviewkim

Very similar tragic circumstances. My estranged AH was found dead about a week after he had died this past summer-right during what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary (together 31 years). Diagnosis of hypertensive event (heart attack/blood pressure), with pancreatitis and chronic alcoholism as contributing factors. Thankfully, no family member found him. A neighbor called police for obvious reasons. I relive the phone call from the police on my dark days. He was a wonderful husband and father until depression and the need to "self-medicate" with alcohol took over his life. I too am left to clean up unpaid bills, etc. The first visit to his apartment was devastating. Clear evidence of the drinking, vomit, etc. His health had been declining for several years. Many relapses. He had just come back from his first 30 day rehab when I found out he was drinking within 5 days of his return. Lost his job, car repossessed. I had to move myself and my kids in with my parents because he could no longer contribute to our financial needs. $95,000 a year job down the drain because of his drinking. I held out hope every day. My kids and I did everything we could--his own family did next to nothing even when I asked for help and told them this was a life or death situation. In Feb. '14 I had to ask him to plan on moving out because I could no longer allow my children to watch him "commit slow suicide." It was incredibly hard to do this to someone I loved so much. He died alone. What a waste of a life and all the possibilities. He was once a successful executive and businessman, community leader, sports coach, and wonderful husband, father and grandfather. I felt like I knew something was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to check on him when he wasn't answering his phone. I was paralyzed by fear of what I knew had happened. I am trying hard to honor the memory of the good person that he once was. Good days and bad but some days the guilt is overwhelming.

ErinGoBragh

I have lived your life almost to a tee. My husband was extremely intelligent, well-educated, and respected in his field. He was making about $100K a year when he started to go downhill. The last job he had paid about $70K. He blew it after about eight months. He simply could no longer handle a full-time job or life.

Things became incredibly complex for him. He never could see it was the alcoholism making everything unmanageable. He had no tools to use to deal with life; only booze. The only thing his counselor would divulge to me was my husband "self-medicated" and loved me the best an addict could love. That brings me little solace, but it's an honest evaluation.

My husband drank through his retirement fund, mutual funds, and just about everything else. Fortunately, I had no accounts with him. His estate is basically bankrupt. I'll take his pension and social security. The approximately $30K that is left won't even scratch the surface of what he owes. I suppose if his creditors want to fight over the bones, so be it.

I will honor the memory of what my husband was before the disease destroyed him. At least, that means his death wasn't totally senseless for ME. I'll salvage all the good. The mess? I won't owe a cent on his debts, his estate is basically bankrupt, so that's it.

This was his bottom. And, surprisingly, many people who knew him didn't realize he was an alcoholic. Even near the end, he could appear "functional" to some folks. Tragic. What a waste of a life. But, it was his life and he made his choices.

ForeverAlways

It makes me so sad to see others in the same pain I feel. I found my guy and I can't get the image out of my mind. I loved him and I miss the wonderful he once was. He was always there for me until he decided he could take that one drink. We were barely talking at the end and I was not able to tell him what he meant to me -- not that he probably cared at the end. I don't even know if he loved me once the disease took over and he used to tell me that he could not live if anything ever happened to me or our children. He didn't love himself and the guy I knew would have felt a lot of shame for what happened. Please take care of yourself.

lakeviewkim

Yes, Forever Always, very much a parallel life. My children and I continue to believe that he is in a better place and free from his physical pain and mental and emotional torment. My children and I are stronger and closer because of what we have all been through but there will always be a hole in our hearts.

ForeverAlways

Two of my sons have told me of dreams they have had of their dad and he looks healthy and happy. They have told me stuff in their dreams that only I knew about their dad and in both dreams he is wearing his favorite blue shirt. It gives me some comfort. I have not been able to dream of him. Tomorrow is his birthday and on the 16th of this month I found him. He was such a great guy to see him become such a monster is hard.

One of my neighbors that did not really know AH just told me he liked his beer -- he never appeared drunk. AH was out of his mind but had this guy convinced that he was as sane as anyone. How in the world can they pull that off? To the family as crazy as can be and so irresponsible and to the neighgbor just the average Joe. He told his brother he only drank a 12 to 24 pack a day with a chaser of whiskey until he passed out and then he would call his dealer for some pot and cocaine so he could enjoy the night. My neighbor obviously never saw him they way we did.

Take care.