I will begin to initiate plan b... will need help
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I will begin to initiate plan b... will need help
Yesterday AH told me he was wondering why I used to wear the clothes I wore and is STILL wondering if I did it for "male attention". He went on to say that it hurt him how I had no respect for him....That was it for me.
This man is not going to change. Thanks HP. Thanks for the reminder, ya know? No sarcasm intended here...I really am thankful.
Luckily today I had therapy. I told my T that we (her and I) keep coming back to me needing to separate from this marriage. She asked me what my gut was telling me ( she says all our wisdom is in our gut- weird, but I adore her). I said my gut was telling me that I have known what I needed to do for a while now, and for my own sanity and my own health (both physical and emotional), I really needed to follow through on this. She went on to say that I needed to be gentle with myself--- I quickly interrupted her-- because yes, I think there are times when it is imperative that I be gentle with myself, but other times I feel like you have PUSH yourself out of your comfort zone in order to make the necessary strides. And the only way your going to push is if you get tough with yourself.....she didn't mention being gentle with myself again..
She went on to tell me a parable:
A woman got offered the job of a lifetime. This job was her dream and it was going to be the key to many great things in her life. The only "catch" was that she was going to have to walk there- as there was no path for a car. It was a longer journey, but she was up for it.
So as she started off she noticed a ways down the path there was another woman walking towards her. She was about a quarter mile away. They got closer and closer to each other when soon, there was only a bridge that separated them. As they both got to the middle of the bridge, the woman noticed the other lady had a long white cloth wrapped around her waist. The lady stopped- and so the woman stopped too. The lady looked to the woman and said-- "will you hold this for me?" and handed her the end of the long white cloth. The woman said- "ok" and took the cloth.
Before she knew it the lady jumped off the bridge. The cloth began to unravel and soon the woman was holding onto the lady with ALL she could while the lady dangled at the end of the cloth. The lady screamed "you have my life in your hands, don't let me fall". The woman tried to pull up, but the lady kept squirming and would not cooperate with helping to save her own life. After several hours of simply holding the cloth- the woman tied it around her waist because she didn't have the strength anymore. The lady below kept screaming and bouncing around.
The woman looked down the path where her new job was- she knew she was on a deadline and she knew she couldn't just stay there and keep doing this. So she called down to the lady one last time- "look, I think I have a plan to get you out of this -- If you will stay still and quit moving I think I can slowly turn in a circle and wrap the cloth around my waist- then you will be up."
The lady below kept screaming and kept moving and thrashing around. She screamed "don't let me go, you have my life in your hands. Don't let me go!!" The woman sighed and sadly said "I'm going to give you what you want now."
Then she loosened the cloth and let the lady go.
T asked me who I was in that senario....I said I thought I was both of them. I was the one screaming and thrashing around- refusing to heed any common sense of "the plan"....the plan being "you need to separate from this man".....I was also the one holding the cloth saying "I have a plan to get you out of this...but you have to cooperate."
And of course with Steve, I am the one holding the cloth. His refusal to commit to recovery, his refusal to see as anything other than subhuman....the list goes on.
So... plan b will be implemented when we have our next argument. I already planned it with my T. Yes, I know, some of you will tell me not to wait... but this is what I'm doing. A fight is coming soon, I can feel it. I'm very good at predicting this stuff due to his pattern of behavior. He is not living at home, so that makes it easier.
I'm doing it regardless of my fear of losing HIS kids. That was a big reason why I didn't leave in the past. I just can't wait any longer. HP is on my side for this one. I really believe He is.
Please help me stay steadfast in this resolve. This is what NEEDS to happen. I can't continue this anymore. My body, mind, and soul are suffering dearly and I just can't keep it up. I love him, but not at this price. And I'm loving someone that doesn't really even exist anymore. That man is gone.
This is the right thing to do. It HAS to happen.
This man is not going to change. Thanks HP. Thanks for the reminder, ya know? No sarcasm intended here...I really am thankful.
Luckily today I had therapy. I told my T that we (her and I) keep coming back to me needing to separate from this marriage. She asked me what my gut was telling me ( she says all our wisdom is in our gut- weird, but I adore her). I said my gut was telling me that I have known what I needed to do for a while now, and for my own sanity and my own health (both physical and emotional), I really needed to follow through on this. She went on to say that I needed to be gentle with myself--- I quickly interrupted her-- because yes, I think there are times when it is imperative that I be gentle with myself, but other times I feel like you have PUSH yourself out of your comfort zone in order to make the necessary strides. And the only way your going to push is if you get tough with yourself.....she didn't mention being gentle with myself again..
She went on to tell me a parable:
A woman got offered the job of a lifetime. This job was her dream and it was going to be the key to many great things in her life. The only "catch" was that she was going to have to walk there- as there was no path for a car. It was a longer journey, but she was up for it.
So as she started off she noticed a ways down the path there was another woman walking towards her. She was about a quarter mile away. They got closer and closer to each other when soon, there was only a bridge that separated them. As they both got to the middle of the bridge, the woman noticed the other lady had a long white cloth wrapped around her waist. The lady stopped- and so the woman stopped too. The lady looked to the woman and said-- "will you hold this for me?" and handed her the end of the long white cloth. The woman said- "ok" and took the cloth.
Before she knew it the lady jumped off the bridge. The cloth began to unravel and soon the woman was holding onto the lady with ALL she could while the lady dangled at the end of the cloth. The lady screamed "you have my life in your hands, don't let me fall". The woman tried to pull up, but the lady kept squirming and would not cooperate with helping to save her own life. After several hours of simply holding the cloth- the woman tied it around her waist because she didn't have the strength anymore. The lady below kept screaming and bouncing around.
The woman looked down the path where her new job was- she knew she was on a deadline and she knew she couldn't just stay there and keep doing this. So she called down to the lady one last time- "look, I think I have a plan to get you out of this -- If you will stay still and quit moving I think I can slowly turn in a circle and wrap the cloth around my waist- then you will be up."
The lady below kept screaming and kept moving and thrashing around. She screamed "don't let me go, you have my life in your hands. Don't let me go!!" The woman sighed and sadly said "I'm going to give you what you want now."
Then she loosened the cloth and let the lady go.
T asked me who I was in that senario....I said I thought I was both of them. I was the one screaming and thrashing around- refusing to heed any common sense of "the plan"....the plan being "you need to separate from this man".....I was also the one holding the cloth saying "I have a plan to get you out of this...but you have to cooperate."
And of course with Steve, I am the one holding the cloth. His refusal to commit to recovery, his refusal to see as anything other than subhuman....the list goes on.
So... plan b will be implemented when we have our next argument. I already planned it with my T. Yes, I know, some of you will tell me not to wait... but this is what I'm doing. A fight is coming soon, I can feel it. I'm very good at predicting this stuff due to his pattern of behavior. He is not living at home, so that makes it easier.
I'm doing it regardless of my fear of losing HIS kids. That was a big reason why I didn't leave in the past. I just can't wait any longer. HP is on my side for this one. I really believe He is.
Please help me stay steadfast in this resolve. This is what NEEDS to happen. I can't continue this anymore. My body, mind, and soul are suffering dearly and I just can't keep it up. I love him, but not at this price. And I'm loving someone that doesn't really even exist anymore. That man is gone.
This is the right thing to do. It HAS to happen.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My dear, I know this is all so painful but you're on the right path and will get through this. I'm not religious, essentially an agnostic, but when I have to have a difficult conversation I first say (privately), "God, you talk for me" moments before I begin. It gives me more confidence, believing there may be a higher power steering my thoughts, and hey, it works. So right before you have your talk (even if it's during a fight), you might try this.
From your words I sense perhaps you want something from him, a "right" response. Or, perhaps you're afraid to confront him. In order to get clear on where I'm coming from I sometimes write a letter to the person to get to the heart of the matter. Now this letter should never be seen by anyone else, you'll never send it. It's only for YOU to connect to your inner self. Get a pad and a pen, let it rip, uncensored from the heart. I'm always surprised at what comes up. It's frequently fear-related and child-like.
The purpose of this is to get centered in yourself, know yourself. It helps to ask: "What is my motive?"
I read a wonderful book, "Mistakes Were Made (but not by me)", about how it's human nature to delude ourselves when looking at our own desires, actions and words. All people do this to some extent: denial and rationalization help us maintain ego-strength. But when we get connected to our real core it is so much easier to have successful, honest conversations.
He's not the enemy, just a sick alcoholic loaded with fear and shame, enormous ego combined with low self-esteem and the emotional maturity of a teenager.
Of course the challenge is that there's typically ambivalence. It would be very helpful if you can hit an Alanon meeting or talk it through with a friend. It does hamper us in situations like this so the more grounded you can get, the more you know your own core, the clearer and more certain you'll be. Perhaps you can "bookend" the conversation: plan to talk to someone before and right after. Try to keep your comments focused on how you feel, not what he did (which is confrontational and causes him to be defenses). No one can criticize your feeling.
Alanon taught me all kinds of great tools (like the above) for getting through life as a codependent.
Always, always, always be gentle and kind with yourself. You've done the best you know and nobody could expect more. Pretend a sister is telling you this story and see what your advice would be.
A very big hug!
Please help me stay steadfast in this resolve. This is what NEEDS to happen. I can't continue this anymore. My body, mind, and soul are suffering dearly and I just can't keep it up. I love him, but not at this price. And I'm loving someone that doesn't really even exist anymore. That man is gone.
The purpose of this is to get centered in yourself, know yourself. It helps to ask: "What is my motive?"
I read a wonderful book, "Mistakes Were Made (but not by me)", about how it's human nature to delude ourselves when looking at our own desires, actions and words. All people do this to some extent: denial and rationalization help us maintain ego-strength. But when we get connected to our real core it is so much easier to have successful, honest conversations.
He's not the enemy, just a sick alcoholic loaded with fear and shame, enormous ego combined with low self-esteem and the emotional maturity of a teenager.
Of course the challenge is that there's typically ambivalence. It would be very helpful if you can hit an Alanon meeting or talk it through with a friend. It does hamper us in situations like this so the more grounded you can get, the more you know your own core, the clearer and more certain you'll be. Perhaps you can "bookend" the conversation: plan to talk to someone before and right after. Try to keep your comments focused on how you feel, not what he did (which is confrontational and causes him to be defenses). No one can criticize your feeling.
Alanon taught me all kinds of great tools (like the above) for getting through life as a codependent.
Always, always, always be gentle and kind with yourself. You've done the best you know and nobody could expect more. Pretend a sister is telling you this story and see what your advice would be.
A very big hug!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sweetie, you sound so strong and brave! Just one thing (you KNOW there's always "one thing"--sheesh, I sound like Steve Jobs!). Do NOT meet with him alone. If the "fight" happens, make sure it's in public. Don't meet him at your house, or anyplace there aren't a bunch of witnesses around.
Seriously. You know he is dangerous, and you've never been this definite about your course of action. So be EXTRA safe, and if he does ANYTHING--before or after this--to threaten you, trespass at your house, stalk you, harass you--ANYTHING, please call the police and/or apply for another order. You are upping the stakes for him, and anything can happen.
Plan B requires Plan S, too--Safety.
Hugs, and don't forget to keep us updated on the surgery.
Seriously. You know he is dangerous, and you've never been this definite about your course of action. So be EXTRA safe, and if he does ANYTHING--before or after this--to threaten you, trespass at your house, stalk you, harass you--ANYTHING, please call the police and/or apply for another order. You are upping the stakes for him, and anything can happen.
Plan B requires Plan S, too--Safety.
Hugs, and don't forget to keep us updated on the surgery.
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I will for sure Lex- you can count on it.
This is probably the hardest test for me...and when I say "test" I mean- God is calling on me. He is telling me and HAS been telling me that HE doesn't want me in this relationship anymore.
So in-so-facto--- I am following God's plan for my life. The longer I fight this- the longer it will be before I can carry out my calling in life. I have NO FRICKING clue what that calling is- but I know I can't be what God wants me to be with this person.
Furthermore--- I simply cannot continue on in this fashion and come out of it happy.
I actually cried out in therapy (as I was bawling hysterically) " I hate him. I hate him. I wish he would just go away". It was a light bulb for me. I am sticking around for dumb codie reasons. I really truly am. I needed to admit that to myself.
No one is coming to my aid on this one... no one is going to burst through the red tape and come through with a resounding "NO MORE" for me. This will continue until I put a stop to it.
So.....yeah. This is really going to happen. And I'm going to spend every day planning for it, until it does happen. Going over the predicted conversation in my head- my responses. My repeated No's.
I hear from a lot of people that you shouldn't be trying to predict the future. But when you live with an abuser, not only do you get VERY GOOD at predicting the next fall out and see it coming, but you HAVE to predict their actions in order to secure your own safety. So yes, I will predict his reaction- because I need to prepare my response.
I'm not going to draw it out- I'm just going to go with the woman holding the rope. I'm going to give him what he wants. When he says what a horrible person I am, and how I disrespect him and blah blah- I'm going to say "your right. and we can't do this anymore. I'm giving you what you want."
I know he will try to hoover me back "your beautiful. Your right, the abuse has gone too far. Your not any of those things I called you. I had an awakening and I really need recovery, I really do love you, Niki, I need you Niki" and the list goes on.
My gut also tells me that this is straight up ********. I know better now. I know WAY better. I will stick with- "I'm giving you what you want".
This is when I predict things will go south...so BEFORE they do, I will go to the DV and have them help me. I don't know how they can help me BEFORE he does something- but I'm gonna find out.
This is it guys. It's do or die...because every moment more I stay with this person-- the more I die.
This is probably the hardest test for me...and when I say "test" I mean- God is calling on me. He is telling me and HAS been telling me that HE doesn't want me in this relationship anymore.
So in-so-facto--- I am following God's plan for my life. The longer I fight this- the longer it will be before I can carry out my calling in life. I have NO FRICKING clue what that calling is- but I know I can't be what God wants me to be with this person.
Furthermore--- I simply cannot continue on in this fashion and come out of it happy.
I actually cried out in therapy (as I was bawling hysterically) " I hate him. I hate him. I wish he would just go away". It was a light bulb for me. I am sticking around for dumb codie reasons. I really truly am. I needed to admit that to myself.
No one is coming to my aid on this one... no one is going to burst through the red tape and come through with a resounding "NO MORE" for me. This will continue until I put a stop to it.
So.....yeah. This is really going to happen. And I'm going to spend every day planning for it, until it does happen. Going over the predicted conversation in my head- my responses. My repeated No's.
I hear from a lot of people that you shouldn't be trying to predict the future. But when you live with an abuser, not only do you get VERY GOOD at predicting the next fall out and see it coming, but you HAVE to predict their actions in order to secure your own safety. So yes, I will predict his reaction- because I need to prepare my response.
I'm not going to draw it out- I'm just going to go with the woman holding the rope. I'm going to give him what he wants. When he says what a horrible person I am, and how I disrespect him and blah blah- I'm going to say "your right. and we can't do this anymore. I'm giving you what you want."
I know he will try to hoover me back "your beautiful. Your right, the abuse has gone too far. Your not any of those things I called you. I had an awakening and I really need recovery, I really do love you, Niki, I need you Niki" and the list goes on.
My gut also tells me that this is straight up ********. I know better now. I know WAY better. I will stick with- "I'm giving you what you want".
This is when I predict things will go south...so BEFORE they do, I will go to the DV and have them help me. I don't know how they can help me BEFORE he does something- but I'm gonna find out.
This is it guys. It's do or die...because every moment more I stay with this person-- the more I die.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Attagirl! And you'd be surprised what the DV folks can do before he's done anything. They can help you plan for contingencies--what if he does this or that, how to stay safe AFTER the bombshell. They can also help you plan for what you are going to do about the kids. He will have the right to see his own kids, but I think it might be a big mistake to let yours go with him for any reason after this. You may need to figure out a neutral drop off/pick up location, like the parking lot of a busy shopping center or even the police station (daylight hours only). Just some examples. Your guard will have to be UP.
You can do this--I know you can!
You can do this--I know you can!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
F2S, I think it's great that you've arrived at some clarity on this, and think it's an excellent decision to work with a DV counselor. Have you talked to a lawyer yet? It just occurs to me...maybe there doesn't really need to be much of a discussion, much less a fight. Maybe it could be as simple as an e-mail saying you've decided to pursue a divorce, or a letter from your lawyer? I've never been through a divorce, and I know that having his kids makes it more complicated, but just wanted to suggest to you that it might be easiest on you to do this with as little opportunity as possible for him to rage at you, plead with you, etc. Sounds like your mind is made up, so it seems you don't need to listen to him or engage with him any more than is necessary to deliver the news and negotiate custody. Good luck with your surgery!
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Originally Posted by jjj111 
F2S, I think it's great that you've arrived at some clarity on this, and think it's an excellent decision to work with a DV counselor. Have you talked to a lawyer yet? It just occurs to me...maybe there doesn't really need to be much of a discussion, much less a fight. Maybe it could be as simple as an e-mail saying you've decided to pursue a divorce, or a letter from your lawyer? I've never been through a divorce, and I know that having his kids makes it more complicated, but just wanted to suggest to you that it might be easiest on you to do this with as little opportunity as possible for him to rage at you, plead with you, etc. Sounds like your mind is made up, so it seems you don't need to listen to him or engage with him any more than is necessary to deliver the news and negotiate custody. Good luck with your surgery!
I understand some may not "get" my reasoning on this- and that's ok. It just important that I follow through.
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And as far as this dumb surgery goes, mom will be down tomorrow. As much as I am dreading it- I will admit that it will be nice spend the evening with her tomorrow. I can have some pretty good debates with mom and I enjoy debating a lot. So, I will look on the bright side of that whole deal.
Surgery is BRIGHT and early (5:30) Friday morning! I will bring my laptop to the hospital with me so I can do school work and keep in touch with my SR friends.
I'll keep you posted
Thanks guys. I love you all
Th
Surgery is BRIGHT and early (5:30) Friday morning! I will bring my laptop to the hospital with me so I can do school work and keep in touch with my SR friends.
I'll keep you posted
Thanks guys. I love you all
Th
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Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
No one is coming to my aid on this one... no one is going to burst through the red tape and come through with a resounding "NO MORE" for me. This will continue until I put a stop to it.
I just want to second every single thing Lexie said. My ex never raised a hand towards me until I said "divorce" -- after that, all bets were off and I still to this day thank God that I got me and the kids out in one piece. Be safe, above all.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 59
I recently started a book on tape " Too good to leave too bad to stay". It's one of the classic reading stickies books. One of the strongest messages that I've gotten from just 3 chapters in is that once there is physical violence love no longer exists. This hit home with my relationship and it sounds like it may with yours as well.
I trusted my gut when I knew it was time to leave my wife. You have a lot of courage and are much stronger than you know. One day at a time and if things don't go exactly as planned it's OK. You got this.
I trusted my gut when I knew it was time to leave my wife. You have a lot of courage and are much stronger than you know. One day at a time and if things don't go exactly as planned it's OK. You got this.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Best wishes for your plans and for the operation. I'm sure you will eventually feel much stronger once free of the pain.
There's an analogy there - short period of pain and unpleasantness, long period of peace.
There's an analogy there - short period of pain and unpleasantness, long period of peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Alright Free... Prayer warrior status is on girl... I'll be praying for you about plan B and your surgery. I see wonderful things for you in your future, and yes, God has your back sister!
You really are brave and quite the inspiration!
You really are brave and quite the inspiration!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sorry that he won't change, but glad that you have realized this sooner than later. (I remember about reading your postings as I was giving my last exam to students, it's an 8 week course, my previous exam was Dec. 19). 10 weeks later after a 2 week break, here you are again with determination. I am giving the exam tomorrow and you are moving forward....I just wanted to post a timeline.
it was a short "honeymoon" period for him, but he is still fixated on things and not moving forward at all. you have your eyes wide open which is good. I agree that you cannot let your kids be with him and you need to be very careful. I never understood how he could get the previous charge dropped.
good luck and stay safe.
it was a short "honeymoon" period for him, but he is still fixated on things and not moving forward at all. you have your eyes wide open which is good. I agree that you cannot let your kids be with him and you need to be very careful. I never understood how he could get the previous charge dropped.
good luck and stay safe.
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