X wants to have gf present at supervised visit TOMORROW.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
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X wants to have gf present at supervised visit TOMORROW.
Hi All,
I haven't been around in awhile, which is probably a good thing.
I have slowly been getting over my son's father with a lot of help. He dumped me in July, 2013 after 7 years and a planned baby. Baby was 1 year old at the time of breakup and now he's 2.5.
When the breakup happened, X told me that relationships are oppressive and that he could get sober without help by being single. Of course he escalated in his drinking and consequences. We had a custody dispute with me trying to prove he was a liability to our son. He only entered treatment in June, 2014, because it was one of the only ways to avoid being fired for coming to work smelling like alcohol. I honestly can't believe they didn't catch on sooner. In August, our parenting plan was finalized and, much to my relief, X now has professionally supervised visitation.
Today, at 1 p.m. He told me that he'd like to have his girlfriend ("a woman in my life who's been a helpful part of my recovery") at the 9 a.m. visit tomorrow. I only thought to ask him how long he's known her. He told me "since June" and he volunteered information about her profession and education and the fact that she's sober. Neither her profession not education will probably make any difference at all about whether she will be a positive presence in my son's life.
Our parenting plan states that no extra people can be present at visitation without my advance agreement. I want to base my decision solely on my son's welfare, but this is a lot to absorb and accept for me. I felt that old familiar sting today when I learned all this.
,
I want my son to be around safe people, but I don't think a supervised hour here and there is much of a threat.
Any pointers on questions to ask X? I'm having a hard time sorting through questions that are my business to ask, vs. questions that are just my curiosity.
I haven't been around in awhile, which is probably a good thing.
I have slowly been getting over my son's father with a lot of help. He dumped me in July, 2013 after 7 years and a planned baby. Baby was 1 year old at the time of breakup and now he's 2.5.
When the breakup happened, X told me that relationships are oppressive and that he could get sober without help by being single. Of course he escalated in his drinking and consequences. We had a custody dispute with me trying to prove he was a liability to our son. He only entered treatment in June, 2014, because it was one of the only ways to avoid being fired for coming to work smelling like alcohol. I honestly can't believe they didn't catch on sooner. In August, our parenting plan was finalized and, much to my relief, X now has professionally supervised visitation.
Today, at 1 p.m. He told me that he'd like to have his girlfriend ("a woman in my life who's been a helpful part of my recovery") at the 9 a.m. visit tomorrow. I only thought to ask him how long he's known her. He told me "since June" and he volunteered information about her profession and education and the fact that she's sober. Neither her profession not education will probably make any difference at all about whether she will be a positive presence in my son's life.
Our parenting plan states that no extra people can be present at visitation without my advance agreement. I want to base my decision solely on my son's welfare, but this is a lot to absorb and accept for me. I felt that old familiar sting today when I learned all this.
,
I want my son to be around safe people, but I don't think a supervised hour here and there is much of a threat.
Any pointers on questions to ask X? I'm having a hard time sorting through questions that are my business to ask, vs. questions that are just my curiosity.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I don't have any experience in this area to share, but just wanted to give you a hug and tell you I think it's great you came to SR to get some support -- especially because of that old familiar sting you mentioned feeling when you learned about it. Happy to hear you're looking out for your son to the max! Wishing you all the best. <3
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
It's an hour long visit with his son, jeez, wouldn't he want that to be "their" time instead of having someone else, who is basically a stranger, there to meet your son? What's the sense even?
This is just my opinion, but if my ex asked me, I'd say no. If he's marrying this person and they're planning to be a permanent fixture, at that point I'd consider it, but until it's that serious, why bother introducing them? Spend time with your son instead of having to entertain some woman during the one freakin' hour you should be focusing solely on your child.
I tend to be over protective when it comes to my kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I just don't see the sense.
This is just my opinion, but if my ex asked me, I'd say no. If he's marrying this person and they're planning to be a permanent fixture, at that point I'd consider it, but until it's that serious, why bother introducing them? Spend time with your son instead of having to entertain some woman during the one freakin' hour you should be focusing solely on your child.
I tend to be over protective when it comes to my kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I just don't see the sense.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Personally, I don't see any harm in it. Obviously, it's your call, but for an hour--and supervised--I don't see how it is in any way likely to harm your child.
Maybe I'm missing something, but for you to refuse kind of feels a little like a bit of a dig at him, for no good reason other than that you still resent the fact that he left you. If, perchance, she becomes a permanent fixture in his life, wouldn't you prefer the initial meeting to be supervised? At some point, if he continues with his recovery (and you didn't mention how that has been going, if you know), his visits will no longer be supervised, and there will be nothing to stop him from bringing around whomever he wants. I think it might be good to have a third party present and see how things go.
Just another perspective.
Maybe I'm missing something, but for you to refuse kind of feels a little like a bit of a dig at him, for no good reason other than that you still resent the fact that he left you. If, perchance, she becomes a permanent fixture in his life, wouldn't you prefer the initial meeting to be supervised? At some point, if he continues with his recovery (and you didn't mention how that has been going, if you know), his visits will no longer be supervised, and there will be nothing to stop him from bringing around whomever he wants. I think it might be good to have a third party present and see how things go.
Just another perspective.
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To be clear, it's a three hour visit, one hour with the gf present. Still, they didn't have their scheduled visit last week, because I had an emergency with MY dad. So basically, they haven't seen each other in 3 weeks. X claims he can only afford 3 hours every 2 weeks. This could be true.
I have a bf now too, whom I've been with for only 3 months (known casually for 5 years). My son is around him a lot, largely because I just can't afford babysitters. Believe me, I'd love to have some more time with just me and my man.
I have a bf now too, whom I've been with for only 3 months (known casually for 5 years). My son is around him a lot, largely because I just can't afford babysitters. Believe me, I'd love to have some more time with just me and my man.
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My current bf and I were together today when I got the text. I talked with him about it. He mentioned that when his primary parent had someone in her life it was always a big deal, but when his secondary parent had someone in his life, it didn't affect him too much. This was true in my childhood too.
One of my concerns is that my son will get attached to someone who's just gong to be gone in a few months and then feel hurt by the loss. I don't think that's an issue with the short, infrequent visits.
One of my concerns is that my son will get attached to someone who's just gong to be gone in a few months and then feel hurt by the loss. I don't think that's an issue with the short, infrequent visits.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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In that case, it kind of seems fair, doesn't it? I honestly don't see any harm in it, and I'd certainly tell you if I did. And I don't know much about your ex, but if he's basically a decent human being trying to become a better one, then little considerations like this might make your parenting future go more smoothly (such as when you have something to ask for).
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Really, I don't think it's fair that he gave me such a little amount of time to decide if I agree or not, but that's not the core issue.
I hope that my current bf is a long term fixture in my life, but I introduced him early on, because my son and I are package deal and I don't want to commit to someone who doesn't mesh well with my son.
As far as my X trying to be a decent human being, I'll believe it when I see it. I used to believe it when I could not see it and that brought me more pain than I care to bear. He was emotionally abusive and abusers rarely stop that, even when sober. So I'll be skeptically open-minded about that matter. Kind of an oxymoron?
I hope that my current bf is a long term fixture in my life, but I introduced him early on, because my son and I are package deal and I don't want to commit to someone who doesn't mesh well with my son.
As far as my X trying to be a decent human being, I'll believe it when I see it. I used to believe it when I could not see it and that brought me more pain than I care to bear. He was emotionally abusive and abusers rarely stop that, even when sober. So I'll be skeptically open-minded about that matter. Kind of an oxymoron?
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LI, I'm with Lexie in suggesting you say yes.
I personally know how protective and reactive we can get with our ex-partner's gf, and I strongly regret my reaction to when my EX first introduced a new gf to my children. I now go out of my way to be friendly with my EX's (now) wife and I'm so glad I learned quickly. Life is so much better for everyone concerned.
You and your XAH are no longer together so he will have gfs from time to time. Unless there is something drastically wrong with them they can be a positive influence on your EXAH and even enhance the relationship between him and his son.
You and the EX have long time to have to negotiate around access and other issues. Start now with a positive attitude and you won't regret it.
I personally know how protective and reactive we can get with our ex-partner's gf, and I strongly regret my reaction to when my EX first introduced a new gf to my children. I now go out of my way to be friendly with my EX's (now) wife and I'm so glad I learned quickly. Life is so much better for everyone concerned.
You and your XAH are no longer together so he will have gfs from time to time. Unless there is something drastically wrong with them they can be a positive influence on your EXAH and even enhance the relationship between him and his son.
You and the EX have long time to have to negotiate around access and other issues. Start now with a positive attitude and you won't regret it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Honestly, children don't need anyone on their lives until they DO become a permanent fixture. I've watched my dad go through girlfriend after girlfriend, and that really set my relationship expectations early. And my step-kids don't know which way is up because bio-mom has had.... five? 6? live-in boyfriends in about as many years. It damages the kids to have people in and out of their lives like that. You're supposed to be setting examples, and neither of you is setting a good one right now, so might as well let her sit in on the visit.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I don't know how much "attachment" there is likely to be when you're the custodial parent and his visits are supervised. Adults come and go in a child's life. There are some for whom there IS a great attachment, but teachers, babysitters, parents of playmates--all probably have more influence than this woman will, unless she is here for the long haul. And we don't stress over new teachers or babysitters that much (at least not in terms of worrying about attachment).
Sounds as if he was reasonable when you had the emergency concerning your dad--your being reasonable about this, in return, may help make the co-parenting less stressful on everyone.
Sounds as if he was reasonable when you had the emergency concerning your dad--your being reasonable about this, in return, may help make the co-parenting less stressful on everyone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BTW, when my kids' dad was weeks from marrying the woman he had been seeing since shortly after our separation (she's a lovely woman--I stay with my ex and her when I go out to see my kids, who are now grown), my younger son was still referring to her as "our kid sitter." I said maybe he'd better get used to referring to her as his stepmom, lol.
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Does anyone think it's not my business to know how long gf has been sober? I'm going to ask if she has any kids for sure (and, if so, their ages).
An alternate perspective on introducing kids early to parental dating partners: My boyfriend slept over with my kids home for the first time and hilarity (and normality) ensued - Emma Johnson
Even though my parents were divorced and each had several partners over the years, I had the expectation that I get married when I was 20 and stay married until death. My grandparents were together from 18 years old until death. They produced 2 royally messed up adult children and a couple of maladjusted ones. All got divorced at least once.
I am more concerned with my child seeing me be in a happy, functional relationship than keeping him away from my boyfriend until I'm engaged. Realistically, I probably won't be with my new love until we die. I don't plan on our relationship being brief, but I don't think my HP has a permanent relationship planned for me. That's a whole other story.
I'm a good example of many things to my child. Thank The Universe I know how to do that.
An alternate perspective on introducing kids early to parental dating partners: My boyfriend slept over with my kids home for the first time and hilarity (and normality) ensued - Emma Johnson
Even though my parents were divorced and each had several partners over the years, I had the expectation that I get married when I was 20 and stay married until death. My grandparents were together from 18 years old until death. They produced 2 royally messed up adult children and a couple of maladjusted ones. All got divorced at least once.
I am more concerned with my child seeing me be in a happy, functional relationship than keeping him away from my boyfriend until I'm engaged. Realistically, I probably won't be with my new love until we die. I don't plan on our relationship being brief, but I don't think my HP has a permanent relationship planned for me. That's a whole other story.
I'm a good example of many things to my child. Thank The Universe I know how to do that.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Why are you thinking of saying no? What specifically are you concerned about in this situation? Maybe if you can get a handle on those answers you can tease apart which feelings are the initial reaction to this new information, which are regarding the safety of your little boy, and which are simply judgements about your ex's decisions/actions. That might help you with the decision.
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My oldest is 3 years old and I'm also very protective and I think I'd say yes, mainly because it's only 1 hour that your son will be around this woman and also because your son is only 2 1/2 years old. If your son was older I'd maybe lean closer to saying no but I don't think your little guy is anymore likely to get attached to dad's new lady friend in 60 minutes than he is to random kids he would encounter at the playground.
Also, this visit is supervised by a professional too, right? So it's really 3 adults and your son?
Also, this visit is supervised by a professional too, right? So it's really 3 adults and your son?
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