Omg he is all over FB kissing another woman
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
FWIW, what you have posted about him, he sounds like a total self-absorbed, egotistical idiot sucking up on social media. ICK!
One day, you will be shaking your head and sighing with RELIEF that you did not marry him and get entangled with additional children...you dodged a bullet, really you did.
One day, you will be shaking your head and sighing with RELIEF that you did not marry him and get entangled with additional children...you dodged a bullet, really you did.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Look, he is NOT a great guy who YOU drove away. He is an immature, selfish, lying alcoholic who used you and dumped you. And THAT is the TRUTH.
He was a BIG MISTAKE. Accept that. We all make them from time to time. We get fooled, our judgment gets clouded. Before we know it we've been screwed over.
You don't need to figure out what you did to drive him away--he LEFT, you didn't drive him away. What you need to figure out--not this minute, but eventually--is where you might have done things differently to avoid getting involved with someone like that, so you can avoid getting burned again by the same kind of man. And maybe there's nothing you could have done. That happens, too, when men like that are very, very good at hiding what they are really like.
The bottom line is that this obsessing over him and blaming yourself (rather than putting the blame where it belongs) is holding you back and keeping you in this dark and depressing place.
He was a BIG MISTAKE. Accept that. We all make them from time to time. We get fooled, our judgment gets clouded. Before we know it we've been screwed over.
You don't need to figure out what you did to drive him away--he LEFT, you didn't drive him away. What you need to figure out--not this minute, but eventually--is where you might have done things differently to avoid getting involved with someone like that, so you can avoid getting burned again by the same kind of man. And maybe there's nothing you could have done. That happens, too, when men like that are very, very good at hiding what they are really like.
The bottom line is that this obsessing over him and blaming yourself (rather than putting the blame where it belongs) is holding you back and keeping you in this dark and depressing place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
An alcoholic is only capable of intimacy and love with one thing: alcohol. It is the great love of their life, higher power and God. Isn't it obvious how shallow he is? Have you tried Alanon? The obsession we codependents feel for the alcoholic is the obsession they feel for the bottle. Both need recovery if any change is going to occur.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
I'm just sitting here sobbing because of all the support you're all giving me as well as the pain from this abandonment. I am going to unleash on my therapist appt today. He's a PhD and specializes in codependence and addiction as well as trauma/grief and loss. I'm making steps towards healing.
I just can't catch my heart up just yet with what you all are telling me but my head is listening.
I just can't catch my heart up just yet with what you all are telling me but my head is listening.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Jodie 
((((HUGS))))
When my AH was drinking and cheating, I did things that I am now embarrassed of... verging on psycho stalker status.
I like to consider myself a fairly rational and level-headed woman, but after living in the crazy chaos that comes with living with an active A, it's hard to see things clearly.
And wow, do I relate to the unbearable pain of knowing he is with someone else. When my AH had moved out, just the thought of him moving on to be with someone else was so numbing... I was not myself, and made decisions that I regret.
I can't imagine actually having to SEE it on FB.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you are here.
((((HUGS))))
When my AH was drinking and cheating, I did things that I am now embarrassed of... verging on psycho stalker status.
I like to consider myself a fairly rational and level-headed woman, but after living in the crazy chaos that comes with living with an active A, it's hard to see things clearly.
And wow, do I relate to the unbearable pain of knowing he is with someone else. When my AH had moved out, just the thought of him moving on to be with someone else was so numbing... I was not myself, and made decisions that I regret.
I can't imagine actually having to SEE it on FB.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you are here.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hi Jodie I just wanted to say that I was where you are now 18 months ago. I was a total mess and couldn't possibly imagine a life without my XAH. I had been through some difficult break ups before but nothing as profoundly heartbreaking as AH leaving me. I blamed myself as well, thinking if only I let him drink as much vodka as he wanted then this wouldn't have happened blah blah blah!
Like you I picked up the phone first and called a counsellor, and signed up here, my first ever forum. My counsellor also got me onto a group therapy course and I began to learn about addiction and co-dependency. It was a whole new world to me, I felt so naive about it all but the more I learnt the more I realised that my situation is so typical.
I began to buy/borrow and read self help books as well. My bookshelf resembled the self help section in Waterstones bookshop!
I found that walking everywhere I could, pounding the pavements, helped to fight off the weight of heartbreak, even if it was through floods of tears. Then I joined a gym and gradually, with baby steps, I started to find a way of putting one foot in front of the other.
I did turn to wine unfortunately in the evenings so now trying to deal with getting off that so I wouldn't recommend that at all.
I have also seen XAH on fb having luxury holidays with his agf which is so unbelievably painful even now so I understand where you are coming from. I have blocked him yet again on fb so I can't take a peek and that has helped me too to try and move on.
If I'm honest I feel like I have been on a voyage of discovery about myself. I never thought I could or would get through it but I think I am coming out the other side so much stronger as a person.
Have faith and trust in yourself Jodie that you will find a way through this and in time you will be a much stronger person for it...
Hugs
Martinax
Like you I picked up the phone first and called a counsellor, and signed up here, my first ever forum. My counsellor also got me onto a group therapy course and I began to learn about addiction and co-dependency. It was a whole new world to me, I felt so naive about it all but the more I learnt the more I realised that my situation is so typical.
I began to buy/borrow and read self help books as well. My bookshelf resembled the self help section in Waterstones bookshop!
I found that walking everywhere I could, pounding the pavements, helped to fight off the weight of heartbreak, even if it was through floods of tears. Then I joined a gym and gradually, with baby steps, I started to find a way of putting one foot in front of the other.
I did turn to wine unfortunately in the evenings so now trying to deal with getting off that so I wouldn't recommend that at all.
I have also seen XAH on fb having luxury holidays with his agf which is so unbelievably painful even now so I understand where you are coming from. I have blocked him yet again on fb so I can't take a peek and that has helped me too to try and move on.
If I'm honest I feel like I have been on a voyage of discovery about myself. I never thought I could or would get through it but I think I am coming out the other side so much stronger as a person.
Have faith and trust in yourself Jodie that you will find a way through this and in time you will be a much stronger person for it...
Hugs
Martinax
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Jodie77 
I'm going to an appt at 1 pm. I didn't stalk him....my friend texted me the info. I told her to stop!!! I deleted my fb page weeks ago. I'm not stalking him.
So, yer not stalking but it sure reads to me like obsessing. Ya keep taking about him and his actions.
He's done and it's time for you to be.
"He is treating me like a disposable one night stand and it has absolutely crushed me while he goes on all blissfully in love with his perfect Greek girl"
Ya know what helped me get out of the insanity of obsessing over an ex?to start blaming her and start lookin at me? An ex who said shed be there through everything, for lifetime, and for blahblahblah( I can say that today because now I see her words were all blahblahblah)?
yet dumped me with a completely insane reason?
Welp, it was going on and on and on to a friend about it. Then one day I think he got a lil tired of listening to me, with all me"she" this and "she" that stuff.
He let me ramble on with it for a bit, then said,
" and who allowed all that to happen? How could ANY of that happen if you didn't allow it? You had a huge ass Part in it Tom, so if ya want to recover from this, ya want to get the serenity and peace ya deserve, ya gotta stop screwin around stuck in your dam pity party poor me crap, drop the "yeah buts, remove " her" from what ya say and talk about you and I'll see if I can help ya figger things out....IN YOU. because this ain't got a dam thing to do with her. Don't come to me anymore with the " she did this" and " why did she" stuff. I wont listen. But if it's " why did I" I will listen and help.
That pr*ck!!!!!
Saved my life with that action of his crowbar
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Ruthless abandonment. He did it to all the women before you and he actually did it to you before. It isn't shocking. He'll do it again and again. It doesn't really matter what the reason is, that is who he is. It is 100% predictable.
These questions about him and his motives will get you nowhere. This unbearable pain and repeated circumstance has nothing to do with him and his choices and everything to do with you and yours. You are not blind sided. That is something you are telling yourself to protect your position in all of this and to keep the focus off yourself and your own recovery work. You glamorize this relationship yet your posts share details that are anything but glamorous. I get it. I lived one version of my life in my head and another in reality for a very very long time. It was crazy making. It was difficult to see anything clearly.
The experience of abandonment, emotional or physical or both, will happen over and over and over again if you do not start turning the questions on to yourself. Best of luck with your counselor. Stick with it and the hard personal work will pay off.
These questions about him and his motives will get you nowhere. This unbearable pain and repeated circumstance has nothing to do with him and his choices and everything to do with you and yours. You are not blind sided. That is something you are telling yourself to protect your position in all of this and to keep the focus off yourself and your own recovery work. You glamorize this relationship yet your posts share details that are anything but glamorous. I get it. I lived one version of my life in my head and another in reality for a very very long time. It was crazy making. It was difficult to see anything clearly.
The experience of abandonment, emotional or physical or both, will happen over and over and over again if you do not start turning the questions on to yourself. Best of luck with your counselor. Stick with it and the hard personal work will pay off.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I like to consider myself a fairly rational and level-headed woman, but after living in the crazy chaos that comes with living with an active A, it's hard to see things clearly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you everyone as always. My therapist let me vent for over 2 hours. I left sobbing.
It makes me sick what I allowed him to do to me: threatening to send sex videos of us to my mom, sending degrading pictures of me, calling me awful names, abandoning me multiple times, blackmailing me, backstabbing me, sharing my secrets with others, and blaming everything on me.
I'm hurt yes. And I'm crying. But I'm ******* angry too!
It makes me sick what I allowed him to do to me: threatening to send sex videos of us to my mom, sending degrading pictures of me, calling me awful names, abandoning me multiple times, blackmailing me, backstabbing me, sharing my secrets with others, and blaming everything on me.
I'm hurt yes. And I'm crying. But I'm ******* angry too!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
I also asked my therapist how he could just easily walk out the door with no feeling after 5 years, and he said it's because he was never there to begin with.
He said, "The 'stable' part of his life is the drug; he can abandon women all day long, but never the drugs."
He said, "The 'stable' part of his life is the drug; he can abandon women all day long, but never the drugs."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Right here right now
Posts: 57
Wow... just.... wow....
Dear Jodie, look at your own signature, "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him" Cry now, sweetheart. He's a psychopath and he *needs* to be out of your life RIGHT NOW!
Dear Jodie, look at your own signature, "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him" Cry now, sweetheart. He's a psychopath and he *needs* to be out of your life RIGHT NOW!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Jodie-
This is FAR worse than what I heard you previously describe about this man--
It sounds a lot like what I went through with my ex. I did a lot of things that I was ashamed of because I felt I had to in order for him to love me. It is a sad sad thing that we do to ourselves when we do that. Ex and RAH have called me A LOT of names. Names that would just make your jaw drop, then once you finally picked it up off the floor it would just leave you breathless.
I'm actually revisiting a lot of those memories today..
My therapist has recommended something for me that I've been working on. You need a "safe place" for your traumatic memories (a virtual place, obviously). Where they are neat, tidy, in a container that does not leak- so that you can access them WHEN YOU WANT and can EASILY put them away.
I chose a room with books. Books don't leak. Books are neat and organized. I can take the memory out- acknowledge that it sucked and it was very painful- then I can put it AWAY. It's not a mess. I didn't leave it out for the world to have to know about. It's MINE.
I know the blame too...I'm dealing with that today. You are NOT alone.
Once my RAH went to treatment- I got a real taste of what life could be like without him. Guess what? It was pretty effing peaceful. I didn't have to worry about someone hating me, blaming me, calling me names, being drunk and dumb, the whole nine. I did what I wanted to do and I felt free to LOVE.
I actually got to live up to my username when he was gone...I WAS FREE TO SMILE
This is FAR worse than what I heard you previously describe about this man--
It sounds a lot like what I went through with my ex. I did a lot of things that I was ashamed of because I felt I had to in order for him to love me. It is a sad sad thing that we do to ourselves when we do that. Ex and RAH have called me A LOT of names. Names that would just make your jaw drop, then once you finally picked it up off the floor it would just leave you breathless.
I'm actually revisiting a lot of those memories today..
My therapist has recommended something for me that I've been working on. You need a "safe place" for your traumatic memories (a virtual place, obviously). Where they are neat, tidy, in a container that does not leak- so that you can access them WHEN YOU WANT and can EASILY put them away.
I chose a room with books. Books don't leak. Books are neat and organized. I can take the memory out- acknowledge that it sucked and it was very painful- then I can put it AWAY. It's not a mess. I didn't leave it out for the world to have to know about. It's MINE.
I know the blame too...I'm dealing with that today. You are NOT alone.
Once my RAH went to treatment- I got a real taste of what life could be like without him. Guess what? It was pretty effing peaceful. I didn't have to worry about someone hating me, blaming me, calling me names, being drunk and dumb, the whole nine. I did what I wanted to do and I felt free to LOVE.
I actually got to live up to my username when he was gone...I WAS FREE TO SMILE
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Why do I feel like there's something inherently wrong with ME though? Why did he degrade me so badly? He didn't talk to his ex wife or sisters like that. This man has 2 young daughters and would never alllow a man to treat them the way he treated me.
He abused me, begged redemption, cried, sent flowers, etc. I'm SUCH a sucker because I took him back every time believing he would never actually leave me. He made me believe he couldn't live without me. The joke is on me.
He abused me, begged redemption, cried, sent flowers, etc. I'm SUCH a sucker because I took him back every time believing he would never actually leave me. He made me believe he couldn't live without me. The joke is on me.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Ok, might sound crazy, but it seems the anger is progress!?!?!?
I'm thinkin prolly some fear thrown in there,too.
Alllllllll the insane things I did when I was drinkin.all the insane crap I let myself get into( even sober!!)All the insane crap I let others doto me or let them have me do.......
At one time bothered the crap outta me and scared the crAp outta me that others might find out......
And yet today I am ok with. It has a lot to do with accepting responsibility for my part, finding out causes and conditions, and forgiving.
And when something is brought up I can say," yup, that was me. I did that. Doesn't mean I condone it,but I did it.i let that happen."
Youll get there in T.I.M.E.
I'm thinkin prolly some fear thrown in there,too.
Alllllllll the insane things I did when I was drinkin.all the insane crap I let myself get into( even sober!!)All the insane crap I let others doto me or let them have me do.......
At one time bothered the crap outta me and scared the crAp outta me that others might find out......
And yet today I am ok with. It has a lot to do with accepting responsibility for my part, finding out causes and conditions, and forgiving.
And when something is brought up I can say," yup, that was me. I did that. Doesn't mean I condone it,but I did it.i let that happen."
Youll get there in T.I.M.E.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Angry is a very APPROPRIATE way to feel after the way you've been treated. You don't want to stew in it forever--at some point you can let it go (which doesn't mean excusing what he did)--but for RIGHT NOW it is COMPLETELY in order.
Stay mad for a while. It's much healthier than keeping your head where it was at before.
Stay mad for a while. It's much healthier than keeping your head where it was at before.
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