Backstory and quick question
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Backstory and quick question
Been married to my wife for 16 years. The last 7 of which she’s been an active alcoholic. She has prior history of alcoholism, but was sober for a long time before we met. She started drinking again when her only son (my stepson) went away to college. And it’s now been 7 years of sneaking alcohol, lying, injuries, broken promises, etc etc. I tried a million times to get her to go to meetings, get help, anything. She admits she has a serious problem but refuses to get help.
Things have been getting progressively worse but I saw a ray of hope this fall when she quit drinking completely. We were having all of our adult children and their wives/fiances/girlfriends over for Christmas this year. And she knew it was imperative she get straight for that. I told her on the front end, if she can’t stay straight for this one week I’m gone. Needless to say, she hit the bottle the day before her son flew in and has been on it ever since. Ruined Christmas for everybody, total disaster.
This was the last straw in seven years’ worth of straws so I told her my decision: After the holidays are over I’m pursing a divorce. Now low and behold she’s willing to get treatment.. That seems kind of selfish on her part. Doesn't try to fix things until they affect her personally.
In my heart I’m already gone, after all the years and all the lies, I don’t have any more of me to give. And I can’t trust her to stay sober. She may get straight and stay that way until the day she dies or she could relapse in a 6 months. Is that a gamble I take? Do I throw another year on the pile and hope for the best?
Things have been getting progressively worse but I saw a ray of hope this fall when she quit drinking completely. We were having all of our adult children and their wives/fiances/girlfriends over for Christmas this year. And she knew it was imperative she get straight for that. I told her on the front end, if she can’t stay straight for this one week I’m gone. Needless to say, she hit the bottle the day before her son flew in and has been on it ever since. Ruined Christmas for everybody, total disaster.
This was the last straw in seven years’ worth of straws so I told her my decision: After the holidays are over I’m pursing a divorce. Now low and behold she’s willing to get treatment.. That seems kind of selfish on her part. Doesn't try to fix things until they affect her personally.
In my heart I’m already gone, after all the years and all the lies, I don’t have any more of me to give. And I can’t trust her to stay sober. She may get straight and stay that way until the day she dies or she could relapse in a 6 months. Is that a gamble I take? Do I throw another year on the pile and hope for the best?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi Nero.. You're in the right place. So sorry for the stinking situation you're in...we are all in similar boats and I'm sure there will be seasoned advice coming by the buckets.
I'm glad for you that you have resolve. Are you willing to follow thru? If not, words will be hollow for here on out. I'm learning this myself the very hard way. If that is your decision, then do it. If you are unsure and there is an inkling in the back of your mind that if she got help you might reconsider, then perhaps think of legally separating with no hope of reuniting without at least a year (this is what I've been told by folks here, at Alanon, and from my therapist) of true worked sobriety.
I hope that you are getting yourself some help too. This addiction effects all of us in awful ways.
Hugs
I'm glad for you that you have resolve. Are you willing to follow thru? If not, words will be hollow for here on out. I'm learning this myself the very hard way. If that is your decision, then do it. If you are unsure and there is an inkling in the back of your mind that if she got help you might reconsider, then perhaps think of legally separating with no hope of reuniting without at least a year (this is what I've been told by folks here, at Alanon, and from my therapist) of true worked sobriety.
I hope that you are getting yourself some help too. This addiction effects all of us in awful ways.
Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nero....do I hear some ambivalence? You say that your heart is already gone--that y ou don't have any more to give-that y ou are pursuing a divorce after the holidays.
On the other hand, you imply that you are willing (maybe) to "throw another year on the pile while hoping for the best".
That sounds like a double message to me. If I can pick up the ambivalence---don't you think she can, also?
All I am saying is...if you are making a boundary..make sure that it is one that you can and will be able to enforce. No wobbling---she will smell it in the air.
dandylion
On the other hand, you imply that you are willing (maybe) to "throw another year on the pile while hoping for the best".
That sounds like a double message to me. If I can pick up the ambivalence---don't you think she can, also?
All I am saying is...if you are making a boundary..make sure that it is one that you can and will be able to enforce. No wobbling---she will smell it in the air.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Nero. Welcome to the site and welcome to my world. Timelines are different and no kids involved, but everything else is essentially a carbon copy.
My short response is. I reached the same point you have. I can't undue the damage caused and that doesn't necessarily go away just because they stop drinking. Your feelings are valid and you are allowed to have them.
The best thing I did was move on. You won't believe how better your life will be.
My short response is. I reached the same point you have. I can't undue the damage caused and that doesn't necessarily go away just because they stop drinking. Your feelings are valid and you are allowed to have them.
The best thing I did was move on. You won't believe how better your life will be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Nero....do I hear some ambivalence? You say that your heart is already gone--that y ou don't have any more to give-that y ou are pursuing a divorce after the holidays.
On the other hand, you imply that you are willing (maybe) to "throw another year on the pile while hoping for the best".
That sounds like a double message to me. If I can pick up the ambivalence---don't you think she can, also?
All I am saying is...if you are making a boundary..make sure that it is one that you can and will be able to enforce. No wobbling---she will smell it in the air.
dandylion
On the other hand, you imply that you are willing (maybe) to "throw another year on the pile while hoping for the best".
That sounds like a double message to me. If I can pick up the ambivalence---don't you think she can, also?
All I am saying is...if you are making a boundary..make sure that it is one that you can and will be able to enforce. No wobbling---she will smell it in the air.
dandylion
My questions were mostly rhetorical, but we all have nagging doubts in the back of our minds.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Weeelll, Nero, if you are in the U.S., and you are truly bold and firm---office hours for most attorneys begin, again, on Friday.
You might want to go ahead and start cleaning out your closets, drawers, etc.
Nero...I am not trying to be a wise ass, either. It is just if you are going to talk the talk..you have got to be willing to walk the walk....
Action says much m ore than words.....
dandylion
You might want to go ahead and start cleaning out your closets, drawers, etc.
Nero...I am not trying to be a wise ass, either. It is just if you are going to talk the talk..you have got to be willing to walk the walk....
Action says much m ore than words.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Dandy is right. I, and so many others here, are living proof of that :-)
I was ready to walk out close to this time last year. I gave the ultimatum and was willing to leave if my husband didn't get help and stay sober. He "looked" like he was working a program but it lasted only long enough that I was softened up. After all, he was still sober and that AA stuff just isn't for him--he isn't like "those" people. Then he did eventually relapse. I would say he stayed sober maybe 6 months total?? Action, not words, on my part and his are really all that matter.
I was ready to walk out close to this time last year. I gave the ultimatum and was willing to leave if my husband didn't get help and stay sober. He "looked" like he was working a program but it lasted only long enough that I was softened up. After all, he was still sober and that AA stuff just isn't for him--he isn't like "those" people. Then he did eventually relapse. I would say he stayed sober maybe 6 months total?? Action, not words, on my part and his are really all that matter.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Nero
A separation might be just what both of you need right now, although SHE should be the one moving out, in my opinion.
If she is serious about recovery, she will do it with or without you.
If she stays in recovery at least 6 months to a year, you can evaluate whether or not to consider a reconciliation. I would , however, suggest professional help by a counselor very familiar with addictions.
A separation might be just what both of you need right now, although SHE should be the one moving out, in my opinion.
If she is serious about recovery, she will do it with or without you.
If she stays in recovery at least 6 months to a year, you can evaluate whether or not to consider a reconciliation. I would , however, suggest professional help by a counselor very familiar with addictions.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
7 years is a looong relapse. I'm sure this isn't the first time you have threatened to leave or made an ultimatum.
Whether or not this is it for you I think totally dependent on whether she recovers - not just quits drinking - really embraces a program and fixes what's going on in the brain. Putting down the booze is the easiest part. Even then it may be too late. You may forgive, but you may be beyond recovering from the years of dealing with it. No one knows not even you if you will change your mind - more will be revealed down the road.
So lets get back to the boundary you laid. My advice? You better adhere to it. When you put forth a boundary and don't adhere to it you have not only lost the battle, you've lost the war. You owe it to her to adhere to it if that makes sense. Accountability and all that.
Nobody gets divorced in a day. You can file, and you can halt progression at any time.
Welcome here, sorry for what's going on . Glad you found us.
Whether or not this is it for you I think totally dependent on whether she recovers - not just quits drinking - really embraces a program and fixes what's going on in the brain. Putting down the booze is the easiest part. Even then it may be too late. You may forgive, but you may be beyond recovering from the years of dealing with it. No one knows not even you if you will change your mind - more will be revealed down the road.
So lets get back to the boundary you laid. My advice? You better adhere to it. When you put forth a boundary and don't adhere to it you have not only lost the battle, you've lost the war. You owe it to her to adhere to it if that makes sense. Accountability and all that.
Nobody gets divorced in a day. You can file, and you can halt progression at any time.
Welcome here, sorry for what's going on . Glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Nero427
Been married to my wife for 16 years. The last 7 of which she’s been an active alcoholic. She has prior history of alcoholism, but was sober for a long time before we met. She started drinking again when her only son (my stepson) went away to college. And it’s now been 7 years of sneaking alcohol, lying, injuries, broken promises, etc etc. I tried a million times to get her to go to meetings, get help, anything. She admits she has a serious problem but refuses to get help.
Things have been getting progressively worse but I saw a ray of hope this fall when she quit drinking completely. We were having all of our adult children and their wives/fiances/girlfriends over for Christmas this year. And she knew it was imperative she get straight for that. I told her on the front end, if she can’t stay straight for this one week I’m gone. Needless to say, she hit the bottle the day before her son flew in and has been on it ever since. Ruined Christmas for everybody, total disaster.
This was the last straw in seven years’ worth of straws so I told her my decision: After the holidays are over I’m pursing a divorce. Now low and behold she’s willing to get treatment.. That seems kind of selfish on her part. Doesn't try to fix things until they affect her personally.
In my heart I’m already gone, after all the years and all the lies, I don’t have any more of me to give. And I can’t trust her to stay sober. She may get straight and stay that way until the day she dies or she could relapse in a 6 months. Is that a gamble I take? Do I throw another year on the pile and hope for the best?
Things have been getting progressively worse but I saw a ray of hope this fall when she quit drinking completely. We were having all of our adult children and their wives/fiances/girlfriends over for Christmas this year. And she knew it was imperative she get straight for that. I told her on the front end, if she can’t stay straight for this one week I’m gone. Needless to say, she hit the bottle the day before her son flew in and has been on it ever since. Ruined Christmas for everybody, total disaster.
This was the last straw in seven years’ worth of straws so I told her my decision: After the holidays are over I’m pursing a divorce. Now low and behold she’s willing to get treatment.. That seems kind of selfish on her part. Doesn't try to fix things until they affect her personally.
In my heart I’m already gone, after all the years and all the lies, I don’t have any more of me to give. And I can’t trust her to stay sober. She may get straight and stay that way until the day she dies or she could relapse in a 6 months. Is that a gamble I take? Do I throw another year on the pile and hope for the best?
Happy New Year! The holidays are over Jan 2nd.��
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Katchie
Dandy is right. I, and so many others here, are living proof of that :-)
I was ready to walk out close to this time last year. I gave the ultimatum and was willing to leave if my husband didn't get help and stay sober. He "looked" like he was working a program but it lasted only long enough that I was softened up. After all, he was still sober and that AA stuff just isn't for him--he isn't like "those" people. Then he did eventually relapse. I would say he stayed sober maybe 6 months total?? Action, not words, on my part and his are really all that matter.
I was ready to walk out close to this time last year. I gave the ultimatum and was willing to leave if my husband didn't get help and stay sober. He "looked" like he was working a program but it lasted only long enough that I was softened up. After all, he was still sober and that AA stuff just isn't for him--he isn't like "those" people. Then he did eventually relapse. I would say he stayed sober maybe 6 months total?? Action, not words, on my part and his are really all that matter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by dandylion
Nero...I am not trying to be a wise ass, either.
dandylion
dandylion
any who, thanks for all the advice everyone. I'll stick to my decision especially in light of the following:
Our New Years went off with a bang, literally. We were all in the den watching the ball drop and she went into a back bedroom and shot a hole in the floor. Police were called, reports were taken, and long story short she went in for a 72 hour psychiatric eval.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here. I would stick to the decision. Wow, shot a hole in the floor, that is some crazy stuff.
My X went to rehab, was sober for a year and a half then relapsed. Thing is, there is always that raw fear of relapse inside you. I lived with it for a long time, it nearly gave me a nervous breakdown.
At some point, you have to put your own wellbeing first.
Hugs to you!
My X went to rehab, was sober for a year and a half then relapsed. Thing is, there is always that raw fear of relapse inside you. I lived with it for a long time, it nearly gave me a nervous breakdown.
At some point, you have to put your own wellbeing first.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Only you know if you trust and respect her. When these two things are gone I don't think much of a relationship is possible. It wasn't for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My father has been putting up with my mother's active alcoholism for at least 15 years. Our Christmas sounds as "joyful" as yours was (minus the gun shot), thanks to my mother's over-the-top drunken behavior. I honestly cannot fathom why my father has put up with this bs for so long. It is obviously taking him down. Sometimes I am more frustrated with him than I am with her. I have been married for over 20 years to my college sweetheart and there is no way that I would put up with the nightmare of alcoholism at its dregs, nor would I want him to do that. I quit drinking 15 months ago, because I could not bear the idea of hurting my husband and children with my drinking, like my mother has done to all of us. As they say, let go or be dragged. And honestly, she has a better chance of saving her life and hitting bottom if you leave her (real consequences) than if you stay to clean up the messes.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A drunken spouse shooting a hole in my house would be pretty much guaranteed to be a deal-breaker as far as I'm concerned.
No reason you can't hope she gets sober and stays that way--from a safe distance. It would be wonderful for your kids if she can, regardless of the state of your relationship.
No reason you can't hope she gets sober and stays that way--from a safe distance. It would be wonderful for your kids if she can, regardless of the state of your relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
The 72 hour hold turned into a 24 hour visit. Evidently she's not a threat to herself enough to stay.
And I guess she acquired amnesia because she can't remember how strained our marriage has been all these years. And can't see why I won't give her another chance since she's quit drinking for two whole days.
Man, I almost, almossst relented last night. She was saying all the right things, all her AA skills were coming back to her. She had the big book out and was making lists, and everything. And I remembered, I'd been here before, and see where it ended up? Welcome back to the roller coaster!
I spoke to an Attorney Friday, and set up a separate bank account.
And I guess she acquired amnesia because she can't remember how strained our marriage has been all these years. And can't see why I won't give her another chance since she's quit drinking for two whole days.
Man, I almost, almossst relented last night. She was saying all the right things, all her AA skills were coming back to her. She had the big book out and was making lists, and everything. And I remembered, I'd been here before, and see where it ended up? Welcome back to the roller coaster!
I spoke to an Attorney Friday, and set up a separate bank account.
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